I could go on. But, I hate that bitch with every fiber in my body.
With good reason Ron.. What a BEOTCH!
It seems so much more common that its the *male* NPD doing the abusing, that I'll bet it was very isolating for you to be in the reverse situation (its a societal thing, not my thinking).
Your wife has "male issues". And I don't mean this in a gender-based role type of thing, but to go after your HUSBANDS' masculinity in the manner she did is just absolutely disgusting. That is some seriously messed-up HUMAN thinking. I hope that you've been able to crawl out from underneath it all ~ I'm sure its done quite the number on your self-confidence, which is pretty much a non gender-based result of this type of life.
The lack of empathy and the feeling of being the receipient of absolute "contempt" in their eyes is horrible to live with. And then, they will turn around and proclaim their "love" for you. HUH? On WHAT planet is that love?
It takes a lot of personal strength to come out of this with minimal soul-scars.. I feel horrible for the ways all of these N's have made all of you kids feel..its so wrong.
The disgusting part is that the kids start to think it is "normal" and act it out as well.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
When the kids and I still lived with STBX*Evil*Ass*PDW (LOL) they were pretty rotten to me. I believe they "didn't" know better and were just doing as they saw thier mother do.
So much better now that we are gone.
One of the most insidious characteristics of verbal or emotional abuse is that it can be very hard to recognise. The abuser may be very confident that he or she is behaving properly, while the person being abused may have such low self esteem that he or she perceives the abuser's behaviour as being deserved or, at any rate, nothing out of the ordinary. The longer abuse continues, the more pronounced these effects become, as the abuser's confidence grows and the victim's self esteem dwindles. This page aims to describe specific types of verbal and emotional abuse in order to make abusive behaviour easier to recognise. It also describes specific aspects of abuse that may appear in the therapy setting, and, in contrast, sets out the behaviour and conduct that a client has a right to expect from his or her therapist.
Withholding Information and not listening empathetically prevents the proper level of intimacy in the relationship from developing.
Countering contradicts what the other person says; the abuser refuses to accept that the victim's point of view may be valid.
Discounting the victim's feelings of hurt at the abuse implies that there is something wrong with the victim if he feels that way.
Disguising verbal abuse as a joke again invalidates the victim's perceptions.
Blocking and diverting allows the abuser to avoid discussing things that the victim believes are important.
Accusing and blaming the victim unfairly can make the victim believe that she has caused the abuse.
Trivializing the victim's thoughts, ideas and achievements can make the victim feel worthless.
Undermining of the victim by the abuser erodes the patient's self confidence.
Every threat made by the abuser is a form of control. The abuser plays on the victim's deepest fears.
Forgetting promises, agreements or previous discussions prevents the victim from talking to the abuser about his behaviour.
Denial is a stronger form of forgetting: the abuser denies that any abuse has ever taken place, invalidating the victim's reality and perceptions.
Abusive Anger allows the abuser to release tension and feel power over his victim but increases the victim's anxiety and feelings of failure.
Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship
by Patricia Evans
I'm obviously feeling wise today!!
I received a copy of my credit report yesterday. It is hideous and shocking. But not surprising! I am STILL linked to the freak and his mother!!!!!!Because he used to pass my name off as his mothers because they were similar. Obviously I changed my name asap after separating. This is one mess that will continue for years. Quite depressing.
The Abuse they do is so much a part of their lives that I think they pretty much abuse everyone around them in subtle ways. Truely horrible
Itsa--Your words are very wise. I too have the ability to look back now and see that I and my kids were abused all these years. It saddens me that I was so beaten down that I wasn't able to see it then, and that I wasn't able to protect my children from it. Yes, they should burn in hell for what they do to their children.
Can we discuss a point that Itsa brings up - one that haunts me?
You cannot...explain their actions to anyone normal.
I seriously worry that people think I'm the nutjob because the things I tell people sound so irrational. They can't believe that the man they know would ever be able to do these things ("Wow, he really seems all together whenever we see him.") Or they surely must wonder how I can now be standing there claiming abuse for years and years - but never expressing this to anyone before and never leaving him. Do they think I'm a liar - that I'm now creating this life of abuse to gain some advantage in our divorce? And some of his NPD behaviors are so bizarre that I can only tell a few people (and you guys) because I'm pretty sure that they will think I'm absolutely making it up.
I feel like this inablity to have people understand my perspective has forced me and the kids onto an island of sorts. STBXH has painted me black, and my stories actually make me look like the nutjob that he is painting me to be. So now I don't discuss the NPD with any of the "friends" that I would like to keep, but I now sadly realize that they either were never true friends or will never be true friends to me. I wish it didn't matter to me, but it does.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I just tell people (who might need to know) that he has numerous personality disorders and is bipolar.
Everything my IC has said.
No, "normal" people could not possibly comprehend unless they also have lived with this deviance!
After growing up experiencing NPD rages and physical abuse, my NPD husband seemed laid back to me. However, all of those items he did on that list drove me insane and hurt like hell. And as has been pointed out, you cannot explain it to people who haven't experienced it. The things I have to tell sound petty to them or they just don't get it.
It really helps to have that list. Thanks!
Can we discuss a point that Itsa brings up - one that haunts me?
woundedby2...sometimes you just can't explain it to others, and if you actually try to, you end up sounding crazy yourself !!
When I first starting discovering that WTFH wasn't all that wonderfuckingful, I couldn't compose the words in order to explain it to anyone. Its just a whole bunch of "huh?"'s that add up to the fact that you're living with a really sick puppy.
I didn't tell anyone for the first year after DDAY#1. A WHOLE YEAR... Some of it was shame ~ that I had tolerated such obviously crappy treatment. Some of it was just plain *ego* ~ I was SO UNSPESHUL that my WTFH cheated, lied, deceived, and betrayed me. He DIDN'T *love me* and everyone would know it. He WASN'T my partner, my rock, my anything! And everyone would know that I made a piss-pour choice.
Once I started letting 'little things' out here and there, it became easier. Once I started IC, it got REAL easy to admit to myself, but still difficult to talk about with others. I still don't feel the need to explain my life to anyone, and realize that ALL of this would sound like an outtake from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Luckily (?) for me, my WTFH has been so OBVIOUSLY abusive to me (arrest for DV, financial tsunami, serious anger-management issues), that most people just fear for my safety. And I must admit, that there are times when I have that fear for myself.
I really don't feel that I can or want to explain this to anyone, other than people here SI that understand the crazy-making or my IC. My daughter KNOWS how nuts he is ~ she has witnessed it first hand. My mom is the most supportive person on the planet, but I dare NOT tell her the whole story ~ she would gouge his eyes out with a spoon.
< hmmm...maybe I should tell mom... >
There is a point in time when you absolutely KNOW that it isn't *you* ~ its *them*. They aren't going to get better, they aren't going to get help, and they are going to blame you for everything, forever. You cannot explain it to regular people IRL.
If I were to try and explain the "silent treatment" that I was subjected to, most people would have difficulty believing that it would go on for WEEKS...I mean WEEKS AND WEEKS.. If I was in a room, he wouldn't enter. I was not spoken to, looked at or acknowledged in any way. EVERY SINGLE DAY, for literally WEEKS (probably MONTHS, at times). And it hurt like hell when I actually *cared* that he didn't care about me.
I don't give a shit now, and it actually makes life a little easier for me. Its boring, but I am working on disentangling the last few details....anyway.
When my IC first started referring to his behavior as 'abusive,' it completely caught me off guard. I rarely acknowledged it, and found myself *explaining* his behavior ! LOL !! How could I possibly explain it as anything other than flat out abusive?
I couldn't. And I won't.
I have no desire to talk about him with any of my real-life friends ~ I realize it would be FAR too difficult for them to understand. They have normal marriages.
I'm at the point where if I feel the need to say anything at all, its "I can't WAIT to get out of this prison." I could send out copies of the police reports, arrest for domestic violence, the bank records where he spends every dime he GETS on himself, or remind everyone that he has SEVEN children who do not speak to him.. Nothing *by itself* is notable, but when you add it all up, and it goes on day after day....its crazy.
For a man who's never done ANYTHING WRONG in his entire life, my WTFH is sure reaping some seriously negative karma in his life right now...while mine seems to be ever-improving. Too bad, so sad.
woundedby2..your explanation for his behavior is best left to "he's nuts and I didn't like his girlfriend." Trying to explain will result in a ride on the hamster wheel.
Trying to explain will result in a ride on the hamster wheel.
Ain't that the truth.
When I speak of past abuse, or of the visit by CPS, or the day I had to call the police to get him to leave the house, I get the raised eyebrows look. So, I've pretty much stopped trying to justify "my actions". My IC says that I have done nothing that I need to defend, but yet...
I guess it's the self-doubt that he instilled in me all those years.
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 11:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]
NPD's are VERY good at making people think WE are the crazy ones !
They drive you to the brink of madness , so you are the one that is all frazzled and blubbering trying to explain to people what your spouse is REALLY all about ...
when all they see in your spouse (cause thats all your spouse LETS them see) is some GREAT GUY/GAL .....
NPD's are the utimate CON ARTISTS ....some of them soooooooo good , they fool even therapists .
My H used to drive me crazy ....I read the books ....learned how to throw the NPD personality "off balance" ...
let me tell ya , it worked ! When he was really bad , I was a brick wall that he was dismantling brick by brick .......once I knew more about the behaviour I began to rebuild my WALL ....and my H couldn't fuck with my bricks anymore.
Since we have R , we have spoken about his many NPD traits ( he's not full blown) ....when I see them rearing their ugly head again , I point it out , so HE can recognize when he's doing it ....
The improvement is HUGE HUGE HUGE !!
I do believe some people will never change , and I thought my H was one of them ......he has proven me wrong.
Don't get me wrong ...we still have our days ....ups and downs .....but nothing like it used to be.
(((((((((((((HUGS TO ALL))))))))))
PS.... Ron ,
your EXW is a real bitch !!!!
Robert Louis Stevenson