NPDWH sent me an email string about some *friends* of ours (the H is one of his clients, and we have done a number of couple-type things together - and I like this couple very much.)
These friends were eagerly awaiting the birth of their oldest daughter's first child, their first grandchild. Apparently the baby was born VERY prematurely and the daughter has some very serious health issues that resulted in the premature birth. WH forwarded e-mails between our friends updating the events with the last one saying that their daughter had taken a turn for the worse....
WH's note said that he wanted to err on the side of too much information rather than not enough, and that while he had not told our friends of OUR situation (I'm divorcing his sorry ass and going to take him for every freaking dime I can get) he thought I would want to know what was going on.
Well, being the non-NPD type person that I am, I sent an e-mail to our friends to let them know that they are in my thoughts and prayers and that I would be thinking of them.
Some of my friends chided me for doing this - being manipulated into responding to them and essentially covering NPDWH's ass. (these friends would have absolutely expected to hear from me) My friends said - you didn't have to tell them you were thinking of them - they have a lot on their plates, do you really think they would have missed an e-mail from you? And besides, you can still pray for them - you didn't have to tell them that you were doing it.......
Another of my friends said - NO - so what if his sending that email was just a manipulation on his part to get you to respond to their tragedy so that it would not *OUT* him to his client/friend? You did the right thing...you are a good person and they need to hear from all their friends no matter what. You are a good person and you did the right thing.
OK...my thoughts on these two reactions.
1) Yes, I believe my NPDWH did send me that as a way to manipulate me into covering for him.
2) Frankly though, if one of our (read, MY) friends had been injured or hurt, I would NOT send a note to NPDWH to let him know. Let him figure it out for himself.
So, not that I can figure him out or understand why he does anything he does, I am just open to opinions on this issue. It has to do with me wondering if I'm the crazy one (or maybe my first set of friends are the crazy ones?? haha)
I hate to think that I covered for his sorry ass and that he can still manipulate me. I wonder if I need to set new boundaries as far as NC goes and extend it to his clients/friends? (that seems wrong to me as I truly like some of these people and have grown close to them.) I will not protect him to them if I am asked, "what's your NPDWH up to?" I'm prepared to answer, "I really wouldn't know." either that or, "Fucking his OW, I guess."
What are the opinions here?
Thanks for letting me ramble...
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
He can go and eat a pile of shit. LOL.
You did an admirable, honorable thing. In years from now they will remember you. Will they remember him ? Probably not.
[This message edited by bobelina at 2:32 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]
Perhaps your WH WAS manipulating you, but you still did the right thing.
Don't be too hard on yourself and hold your head up high on this.
My STBXWH would "apologize" but never would say "I'm sorry". To me, there is a big difference. Saying "I'm sorry" seems to imply empathy, which he never had.
Also, the "apologies" would be qualified with many justifications for his poor behaviour. Amazingly, nothing was EVER HIS fault!
You did the right thing. It doesn't matter why he did it and what he gets out of it. He is of no consequence in this matter. The important thing is your friends.
My thinking on this is that you did the right thing and are supporting them. Friends, aquainances or whatever, They are in a time of crisisand you are supporting them regardless of how you found out about their struggles. Just because that information arrived to you through the NPD doesn't mean you should not act on it and support someone in need. Why cares of he gets something out of it. He gets something out of the taxes we all pay, us keeping the environment clean and us living out lives as the good people we are. We don't stop doing those things because in some small way they benfit these kooks. If you do change our behaviours for bad then we have really lost.
Cerise I am sorry that he is acting like such a jerk. It is totally unfair that he makes so much money and pays so little to help care for his child and then adds insult to injury by talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.
I hope something gives in your situation so that you can get some relif and help.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage (frustration, anger, and disappointment, etc.). As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so... 'Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.'
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
I have no idea what the significance, if any, is of it's meaning but I like it and may use it instead of STBXPDW (Soon To Be eX Personaility Disordered Wife).
My pet name for him is "Mr. Weenie."
"Asshole" just didn't have enough umph to it.
[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 6:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]
His ex-wife thinks its the PERFECT name for him. Seriously, it fits.
I also call him Nutcase and Jacka$$ because his fiance's name is Jill (jacka$$ and jill climbed up the hill...)
He had to have multiple presents wrapped and put out about 2 weeks ahead of his bday. He had to have a 2 layer cake homemade (had to be 2, he'd be upset if it were 1) and it had to have ALL the candles on it which was getting ridiculous. His birthday was a BIG deal. My birthday? I didn't get anything the last few years. To hear "happy birthday" I had to remind him.
[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 8:37 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]
* They are BAD gift givers. *
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
I'm thinking to myself, "since when do you like pesto?"
So I say, well, I love pesto, I've made it before. He says, you have? I say, yeah, when my friend B from work grew it, and had a bush of Basil.
So who's the gourmet I ask, and he says well, so and so and so, we were talking about pesto and how much I like it.
Here's the thing: I have made, or bought, pesto for YEARs and he never even responded to the stuff.
Now, all of a sudden, he likes it, and wants to make some?
Now, because someone at work likes it, he LOVES it and wants to MAKE it. Right.
Thank God this relationship is almost to the end of the line.
But then - wow- can I relate to this
) She needed to always put others down, behind there backs, even her "friends" and many of her relatives/
) Nothing was ever her fault. She left her keys in the car every night and it finally was stolen. She tried to point the finger at my young son, her stepson. He had nothing to do with it.
Something was stolen from our garage and it was clear the key had been left in the lock. I was in hospital giving birth. So he blamed the only other person in the house at the time - SIX YEAR OLD son
She would always kjeep me waiting, sometimes for an hour when she was supposed to meet me.
6) She bought alltypes of useless things
Don't get me started on the waiting.
My attic is FULL of DIY stuff. I've seen tradesmen come to the house with less and they are making their living this way. And he was F***ING USELESS. The few things I've done since he left are hanging straight, still in place or working.
By the way, does everyone end up having to replace handles and locks or have my doors taken a more severe beating? 3 so far - 1 in the past 22 years!!!!
Edited for spelling
[This message edited by hardliner at 6:55 AM, April 21st (Monday)]