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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balancing, your H is so many standared deviations from normal it is scary. Just kkep up the NC, do not respond, and never hesitate to tell the truth about the affair to anyone.
Your H is running scared, big time and realy is invested in keeping this under wraps. He is delusional and thinks that having worn you down through the years, he still can control this.
Use his desire to keep this quiet to your advantage in the divorce. Maybe I was wrong in saying disclose since his appears to be a nice card to hold.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To follow up on Balancings post, what was your NPD's reaction to your divulging the affair to others.
My XWW layed into me for "Trashing " her to folks. I merely told the truth.
I am amazed she thought I would suffer in silence.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This seems to be his greatest fear - my outing the affair (hell, just outing our separation/divorce even - not to mention the REASON for it!)

I hold this card not only because I like have the whole deck in my hand, but also because I really do have no idea what he would do if I were to 'out' anything to anyone. Not that that has stopped me - my friends know what's really going on, some people only know that we are divorcing...and HIS people think life is just peachy with the Cap'n and BA!

Of course, "HIS" people are 3,000 miles away, where he had his affair....gosh how I would love for he and the OW to bump into some of his clients.

I actually have no idea what, if anything, he has told her about me or the state of our marriage. I'm sure he would pass her off as 'business' or a 'friend'....but if she knows nothing of me, what would he do then??



Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outing the affair would be a good thing but be very prepared for a long bout of narcissistic rage. I think what he is doing now is trying to uphold his delusional self-image of being a kind, caring husband. Others knowing of the affair would destroy that image, hence triggering the rage. Know that him having the A is his own problem and, like Ron said, you are only stating the facts of your current situation.

You always need to act solely in your best interests when dealing with NPDs. After all, they are only acting in theirs.


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my saying that H left me and kids for another women, my NPD/BPD husband (eventual ex), went into a fit. For a year he told me if I had not had to "smear him" to friends and neighbors, we would have had a chance. Mmmm... I do not think so. No smearing, no nothing other than saying "STBXH is living in XYZville with another women".

I love how it is all my fault.. whatever it is. Once I understood my power over everything (weather, earthquakes, his being late for work... etc), dealing with eventual X has been easier.

End of discussion.. end of marriage...
psychosis increasing for him.
Sanity returning for me.

FINALLY!


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pop))) and (((others))),
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys, AKA: The Clan of the Phoenixes Who Will Rise Again, Etc... LOL.

Isn't it wonderful when we realize we weren't "nuts"? That we were gaslighted/brainwashed into compliance and submission?

Eventually we reach a point of more clarity and see that which was and not that which we thought or were convinced was.

I again will say and give thanks to this thread. It's been hard trying to make heads or tails out of what had become of my life. This thread has helped explain it. I'm not "nuts". The word is "abused". Not nuts. We have all been abused.

Some awesome discussions here lately.

"NPD Freaks". Uggghhhh.....

------

Oh my freakin' stars....

I'm kinda dumbfounded, but then again not, by just how unskillful STBXPDW is continuing to be.

The mediation agreement via the courts has failed. We have a pre trial this week. The Guardian Ad Litem process has started. And she still, STILL, keeps up the unskillfullness. And it's really ratched up this week.

I wonder if she is purposely, although subconciously, sabatoging the situation as to set her self up to lose the kids, as in I attaining full custody. STBXPDW is just being so flagrant in her disregard for the courts, agreements and most of all the kids.

I guess that she maybe setting me up to look like the big bad mean wolf who keeps her kids away from her and now she can once again blame me for all her woes like losing custody of the kids. Hmmmmmm....... KEWL !!!

The kids have stated again, after this weeks slew of fiascos, that they are leary of being around STBXPDW and being at her house. They WANT to talk to the GAL.

Again, DD9 took off because of her mothers rages. STBXPDW disappearing acts are up again, "working" during her visitation time with kids, and on and on. LOL. It's funny as it's such inappropriate and unskillfull behavior coming from a self-professed "Great Mom". Hmmmmmmm... I don't think such a title as "Great Mom" fits STBXPDW. LOL.

Anyways, thats the BoB Report. SO much stuff has happened lately that its goofy. But then again, not, as she is apparently disordered. LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree to ignore and stay the course with NC. Outing the A to "his" people could bring on Narcissistic Rage or like in my case when I told some of "his" people that he left me for his girlfriend and their baby (which was true) he filed a civil suit against me for slander.

It didn't go anywhere, but I still had to hire another attorney and answer the stupid complaint. There was another $15-20K down the drain.

Ignore....Ignore.....Ignore


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I wonder if she is purposely, although subconciously, sabatoging the situation as to set her self up to lose the kids"

BoB, I think you are spot on. These NPD's don't really want the kids and the responsibilities. They want the NS. Most of them I've known have wanted to leave the kids with the spouse and then show up and disrupt or use the kids when in the need for the supply.

You're right. She will try to make it look like you are the villan in all of this. In her mind, she will retain the injured party image and won't have given up her children without a fight. It's all your fault. Poor, poor NPD.

Everything we go through and then we have to be tortured on the way out of the whole nasty business. I guess it's like the grand finale of a big production. They gotta work it and squeeze it for every drop of NS they can get all while trying to manipulate the situation to try to make it look like they are the victims and rationalize their vile behavior. Then they can take it on the road once it's all over and try to use it to get NS from the next victim. UGH!!!!!!!

Hang in there, Bob. I think eventually it will all work out for you.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick update. I know I should not have done this but i thought on it for 24 hours and discussed with some friends here....

I sent a reply to the email from WH letting me know about the gifts he had sent from "both of us." It said simply:

"It will be in your best interest not to do anything like this in the future."

short, simple, and very to the point (especially with Mother's Day coming up)

I guess I'm just waiting now to see if he responds to it - it's not necessary for him to, but I think it is unlike him not to. We'll see....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Knew he could not resist replying to my request that he not use my name next to his in the future. He wrote:

I am certain I don’t understand your full message (“your best interest”??), but if you don’t want to be included, that’s fine and I won’t. I apologize if it offended you.

gee....yeah, he would never intentionally offend me, would he?


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob that is exactly what my ex did and now he is driving my kids away in more vicious acts probably so he can filly bond with the soo-to-be-wife. This way they won't have to deal with the unruly children and can have all the "quality time and bliss" they want.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balancing don't respond anymore. Undoubtedly he is saving your e-mails and he may be trying to lure you into saying something that could be construed as extortion. He will use that in the divorce. Just don't communicate with him. Please let your lawyer handle this stuff.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPDs and their parents: what kind of parents does your NPD have and how do they interact with their child?

As I stated in my lengthy story above, my NPD's parents are her caretakers, relieving her of many of life's responsibilities, both emotionally and financially. She has a full-time job that pays decently and yet they still give her money and bail her out of any stupid financial trouble she gets herself into. If she does anything wrong (see WW, senseless A of), they are only there to tell her she just needs to do what it takes to make herself happy. No consequences, no chastising, nothing. It is no wonder she feels like she has no responsibility to anyone but herself.

So, how about your pet NPDs?


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pop

I wish I could see into the relationship between my NPD and his parents. His father died long before I came along and the way he and his mother interact is just bizarre.

I think they rarely have any visible contact, but she is here around holidays and he has gone to visit her once or twice in the last year or two.

When they are in the same room together there is very little interaction although when they do talk, they seem to do so fairly easily. It's just so damned strange.

She does not seem at all like the narcissistic type, so i'm guessing his dad might have been the cause. who knows. I'm at a dead end trying to figure out from where his NPD stems. I just want to protect myself and get as far away from him as possible.


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex's family is a twisted bunch. His mother is married to her 3rd H. The ex's father was the 2nd and he left when the ex was 2yrs old. (so he is clueless as to what a father is). His mother married his stepfather when he was 12 and the ex started to have seizures soon after (and no real cause has been found for them- stress is a factor in them and he will be on meds the rest of his life to control them).

From what I can tell his mother was quite absent during his childhood since she was raising 3 children alone leaving the ex's sister and the ex to be cared for by their older 1/2 brother who physically abused them. When his mother remarried his 1/2 brother was kicked out at 16 to live on the streets for a year until he was able to get a job etc. His stepfather drank and he is abusive and mean (not to mention a biggot).

His sister married at 17 to a drug addict, had a kid, divorced him and moved in with another guy who she lived with for 10 yrs (and had 2 kids) before they married . 6 months after they married she cheated and now lives with the OM.

His family always hated me and seems to condone cheating as long as it makes you happy. When I told the ex's mother that he cheated (while on vaction with her and the stepfather no less) she said that we always had a terrible marriage (news to me) and that this was for the best.

The ex is a baby and his family seems to condone his bad behaviour. They are hardly in his life even though they live 5 minutes away. The have less than yearly contact with the kids and have always been that way. The whole family dynamics are screwed up. Lying is acceptable and doing whatever it takes to be happy (even if it hurts someone else) is what they feel is the way to live life.

I know part of why they hated me is because I am too upfront and honest. I tell it like I see it and they could never stand that. His sister is just as messed up as the ex and the 1/2 brother pretty much stays away from the family because it is easier. They only reunited with the 1/2 brother because I encouraged the ex to make contact with him and try and mend bridges. (of course noone would have acknowledge that)

It is hard to put the dynamic into words because it is very subtle and hard to put your finger on. All I know is the whole lot are 2 faced and made me uncomfortable.

They are another reason I am happy to be divorced.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH's family is very disfuncional too.

His father was career Air Force. He was gone alot, so there wasn't much male influence in the home. Mom was a severe alcoholic.

By the time his father was out of the service and his mother was in recovery for alcoholism, the children (XH the oldest) were in HS.

XH was already in trouble. Skipping school, drinking, experimental drug use, etc. He even stole a car and had an accident, running into an innocent person. He had been drinking.

His parents got him an attorney and fought the charges. Somehow, he got off and was acquitted. I think this was a pivitol point in his life. I think this made him feel like he could do anything he wanted and would never be held accountable. The rules simply didn't apply to him.

This type of thing continued well into his adult life. His parents constantly gave him money. If he called them from vacation, he called collect. If he got into trouble, they were bailing him out. Nothing was ever his fault. It was always some other horrible somebody who was "jealouse" or "out to get him."

They believed every lie he ever told. It didn't seem to matter how outrageous. If by chance that "story" was proved to be a lie, they would just ignore it.

On the other hand, if they didn't completely comply, give him their money, believe his stories and lies, support him with his criminal acts, pay for his attorneys and everything else he demanded, they would be subject to his narcissitic rage.

It was a trap. I remember falling into it myself. I remember thinking, "I know this is a big pile of horseshit, but if I don't go along with it, I'm going to get my ass kicked."

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:49 AM, May 5th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a trap. I remember falling into it myself. I remember thinking, "I know this is a big pile of horseshit, but if I don't go along with it, I'm going to get my ass kicked."

Same here. Just this weekend, my FIL fussed at me for leaving my child unsupervised in a high chair! I was so mad because it was obvious that my husband has given him a twisted version of the truth, so I just gritted my teeth, said yes, sir, and moved on. Because my husband was sitting right there, and I knew if I told the truth, there would be hell to pay.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember him raging. Raging on and on and on about whatever he was taking at stand on. Whatever he wanted me to believe at the moment, or screaming about how I had slighted him or how I had said something wrong, disrespected him, looked at him wrong, spent something wrong, put something away wrong, bought the wrong thing, etc, etc, etc. I found myself getting to the point where I just want him to SHUT-UP. I would do anything to get him to STOP SCREAMING. He would rage on into the night. I would go DAYS without sleep because of his ranting.

There were times that I would begin to agree to the most ridiculous nonsense just for a moment of peace.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that she maybe setting me up to look like the big bad mean wolf who keeps her kids away from her and now she can once again blame me for all her woes like losing custody of the kids.

I needed that thought today, thank you BoB.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The parents of my freak enable him to behave like he does. They are always helping him out financially and there is never any consequences for how he behaves. But if they were to ever question what a lunatic he is it would mean some very uncomfortable home truths for themselves so it will never happen. No journey of self-knowledge for that bunch of freaks.

Just in case I have never mentioned it before I hate my ex-husband, He had the kids yesterday and returned them two hours earlier than expected. Nice. I think he is up to something at the moment...
I keep having moments where I feel like crying my eyes out about my rubbish life. There are lots of good things about my life but at the heart of me there is somehting missing. Perhaps it is a delayed reaction to my years of hell?


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
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