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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Funny  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was here first! I was here first!

Anyhow, yes, all he is an asshat, but no need to send anyone over to beat him up. At least, not until he gets paid for this website that he's doing. I ignored him and his ranting about stupid work, and he was so pissed off it made him TIRED, and he went to bed EARLY.

Lied2, I read your posts about the twit wanting to keep his whereabouts secret, like he's James Fricking Bond. What a nutcase! But I guess it serves multiple purposes for him: he doesn't have to take care of the kids and he can talk bad about you to the kids. Freak.

[This message edited by veritas at 2:18 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
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Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm second !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
connection
♀ Member
Member # 16927
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a new-ish member and new to this thread.

My STBXWH displays ALL (I mean, *ALL*, with no exceptions) symptoms of NPD. Yet, I have been extremely reluctant to call him this, and even to post here...

Today I triggered very much because I met with my STBXMIL. We have always had a good relationship, but since my STBXWH has a new woman in his life (not the OW) I feel she has pity for me. I don't like this.

I have been so happy since my separation - I got my life back. The first feeling I had after I left was relief. I haven't had any regrets about leaving him.

The last bit of ugly stuff I seem to have much trouble to purge is the feeling that there is something wrong with me. Especially now that there is this new woman who might be capable of "saving" my STBXWH (when I couldn't).

Has anyone else felt this way?


Posts: 128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ontario, Canada
s.squirrel
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Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And how, have I felt that way.
Feel that way.
But then, can you water the desert? Fill a black hole?

You can't. Leave the saving to expert messiahs, I say. (I still say it to MYSELF, yes! daily!)



Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It definitally makes me wonder what he is trying to hide. I think he has convinced her I am some raving loon and that me having the address and phone number makes me a detrement to her.

Freaks, the lot of them. They can play their little games with people but I know they get theirs in the end.

Yes my ex is now being "saved" by the new fiance. She apparently is a "real" saint and a "better" person than I will ever be. Whatever. I am free of him for the most part and that is worth more than all the gold in the world.

I really am wishing for those tickets to a desert island for him and heck I'd even spring for one for Wonderbride-to-be. I am sure that being free of them would be worth the cost.

[This message edited by lied2 at 8:29 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

connection, welcome to the (((((TRIBE)))))
did you read Ron's post on the previous thread?
it was for you, i think....

Yes, there is something wrong with us.
However, it's not NPD, and I thank God...

What it is, in part, is ignoring the gut. That's part of what we need to find and heal within ourselves.
I remember several times before Ming my pet...several WTF? moments.
I'm such a dumbass.
Still,
(Thank you Jesus!)
it's better than being them.


Posts: 5982 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank everyone that responded to me on this topic. I know that my issues that both made me susceptible to her advances and, ultimate, entrapment, and which allowed me to tolerate this stuff so long, need work. But, at least those issues are ammenable to therapy and one can get better. I don't think there is anything that can be done to really help the disordered.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
bobelina
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Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

That which made us "susceptible" to the "NPD Freaks" is not a flaw. It is a virtue. What got us is that we did not know that these freakin' monsters existed. Please stop beating yourself up. You've done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you.

Remember all those people who got duped into Hitlers "vision" of a new Germany? He was a N. They got had. End of story. Just like we did with our pet "Freaks". Your OK. I'm OK. We're all OK. OK? LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with BoB.

I'm very vulnerable to NPD's.

I'm kind. I give...no, make that...GAVE...many chances.

Not any more.

Boundaries...baby steps.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
connection
♀ Member
Member # 16927
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe... Thanks for your thoughts. It seems I have a way to go yet! No matter how many times I hear, "it's not you" I still have trouble feeling it. I really wish I could just turn a switch and be done with it.

Anyway, thanks for welcoming a new poster to this thread


Posts: 128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Connection and welcome. I am grappling with those very same issues right now. And I am feeling especially......dumb, I guess. I was relieved when he left about 4 years ago. However, a few months ago, I found out he left because he was cheating on me. I asked but he'd never admit it. He moved out on me and in with her. Divorced me and immediately got remarried to her.

So here I am much later learning about this and going through a somewhat subdued version of feeling cheated on and humiliated. The real problem for me is that I am fearful this is going to work out for him and it will look like it was all my problem. Plus, I have yet to meet someone. So the underlying programming he left me with is popping up.

I have no good feelings for him and would not want him back. I have to admit, I'd just like to see something go terribly wrong with that marriage for all the world to see. He deserves some kind of trouble, and I'd like for him to fail a second time and quite honestly because it would make me feel vindicated.

Intellectually, I know I should be jumping for joy that he's someone else's problem now and not worry about it. But that underlying emotional fear that it "could" be me is giving me a great deal of grief right now.

I just keep repeating my mantra which is what the counselor told me, "It isn't you. It's important for you to know that." So Connection, repeat after me....It isn't me. Maybe together we can convince our emotional voice?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way, Out. My XNPDW is with the OM and my kids seem to like him. Their finances are bad(yet) as I am pumping so much money into the household for the kids. The use it for themselves, as well, I am sure.
The rational prt of my brain is much relieved to be rid of this monster. And, the OM deserves what he gets.
I think it is inevitable that she will become abusive to him. She has a long history, pre dating me, of shitting on people.
I just try to not think about it and not care. We are away from them and that is what matters.
As for dealing with the aftermath on your self esteem, it takes time.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
teacher
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Member # 16770
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the NPD's hunt the really wonderful people because they're entitled. We are the ones with empathy, easy going, non-entitled, self sacrificing - wow aren't we wonderful and we are.. These predators know what they need and find us. It's time for us to move on!!


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay 7/14/05
Married since 73
Divorcing

Posts: 400 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Northern Kentucky
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering, did anyone's NPD ever apologize for anything. To be honest, I got one in 9 years, a very begrudging one which was qualified by "you're too sensitive".

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No apologies. That was one of my big issues with him. Yet, when I apologized for something to him, he would beat me over the head with it.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Cerise
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Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to mediation again today and my XH accused me of having psychiatric Munchausen by proxy.

I made sure to tell how he refused to pay her counseling bills saying that I caused all her mental health issues, and on the heels of that threatened to put her in a psychiatric facility.

I found out how much money he makes and it is 5 times the amount I make. The alimony has stopped. I still have lupus. He says Im underemployed.

He really looked like a jerk.

ETA: He also admitted that he lost his job over the affair that he had,just a minute before,denied ever having.

[This message edited by Cerise at 8:29 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
cjonesjag
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Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering, did anyone's NPD ever apologize for anything. To be honest, I got one in 9 years, a very begrudging one which was qualified by "you're too sensitive".

Lemme think, hmmm....I think I got one *yelled* at me in the very beginning of the 'mess.' Something along the lines of "I'm SORRY, oKAY?"

Later, I recalled him saying that he "never apologizes." I remember that he made a REALLY big deal about having said he was 'sorry' to me. Kind of like ~ "I SAID I was SORRY."

The trouble was/is, he was never *ever* actually 'sorry' for anything! I was also presented with many more of the SAME types of things that he had allegedly 'apologized' for at one time. Thats a REAL sincere *apology*, huh?

I got the impression that he believe an apology was akin to exoneration. As in, "I'm sorry, can we just forget about this and go back to the way things were?"

Subsequent actions on HIS part were a direct result of MY inability to completely forget any betrayal, lies or deceit (my bad, I guess). Virtually EVERY *bad* thing he has done is because of me (my bad again).

He seemed overjoyed to present me with the statement that he has NEVER apologized to anyone before. Wow. Like *that* made me feel better! I should've been HONORED that he apologized (vaguely) to me *one time*, in the beginning, when I had no idea what he had really been up to.

Part of his persona is a false self and an extreme need to feel the reflection of a "good" person (from others). Obviously, learning about the LAYERS of lies didn't exactly make him out to be an 'honest' person.

Once again, it would be *my bad* that I didn't roll over and play dead. I have never felt that he was "sorry" for ANYTHING he's done ~ only sorry for losing the image of being one of the good guys.

I think that once he realized I didn't view him as some sort of *perfect* person (which I never did to begin with!), I became the *enemy* and he began the complete deletion of me from his mind. I just didn't *know it* at the time!

I believe for these types of personalities, an apology is extremely difficult ~ almost like its an admittance of inferiority. Any apologies actually received seem to be very disingenuous. There is limited or no empathy ever received, so how can they even understand what an "apology" is for?

[This message edited by cjonesjag at 10:24 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to never apologizing, here are a few more things I noticed:
1) She needed to always put others down, behind there backs, even her "friends" and many of her relatives/
2)She'd idolize people she knew nothing about. She "loved" George Bush, yet knew nothing about hispaltform.
3) If anyone called her on her shit,they immediately did not exist. She refused to talk to old friends, ever again, if they crossed her.And, she would stick to this, forever.
4) Nothing was ever her fault. She left her keys in the car every night and it finally was stolen. She tried to point the finger at my young son, her stepson. He had nothing to do with it.
5) She would always kjeep me waiting, sometimes for an hour when she was supposed to meet me.
6) She bought alltypes of useless things and her wardrobe was just huge. She did not understand that we did not have the money. More likely, she did not care.
7) On the same theme she bounced thousands of $$ in bad checks.
8) The kids had to sleep with her in our bed.
9) She held others to a much higher standard than herself.She had been very promiscuous as a teen. She said our children would be thrown out if they messed around.
10) She was very bigoted.
11)She was just downright mean in so many ways.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
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Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome (((connection)))....

Couple of things....

1)...I think ALL of us wonder if we are the crazy ones. By asking the question and examining our role in our marriages/realtionships we confirm that we are the sane ones. NPD never think introspectively or *feel* the way their victims do.

2) When I first arrived here I began reading on NPD Thread Part I. I believe it is the second post or so about why NPDs pick us - it's because we are special and loving and giving. also because they *need* what we have - they want to feed off of our successes - with friends, with work...whatever...it's because we are strong and successful, pretty or caring...whatever it is - they don't have it, and they want it.
Please go back to the NPD Thread #1 and read through a few of the first posts there.

(((ron))) - wow...just wow...she's an incredible piece of work. I don't think any of us truly want the NPD back in our lives, but we are looking for some *reason* or *logic* to what they do and have done to us. And they have done us a HUGE disservice by making us question ourselves and our boundaries. (I'll post separately here about what happened with my NPDWH in a second.)

3. Apologizing? HUH??? WTF is that!?!?!?!? hahahaha....he NEVER ONCE apologized to me - I mean, what has he ever done to apologize FOR??

And I know I'll never, ever get one - I'm over that.

welcome again all new ((TRIBE)) members....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


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