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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - I really wish I had some wisdom to share but unfortunately I can only send you lots of hugs. I was wondering what has happened lately that you do seem to be going through a particularly rough time. Did something absolute happen or was this just a slow, steady decline into the abyss? We've all been there and thankfully we all do rise again.
Believe me, I know what these feelings are like. It is beyond overwhelming when we let ourselves think about the depth of deception that our H's have been capable of. I know there are times when I forcefully shut out these thoughts because they are so overwhelming. How can we ever make sense of what they did to us.
A while ago I posted something that I read in Co-Dependent No More and I think it is apt here:
It is the fable about the man who wants to find the answers and goes to a guru seeking truth. The old man hands him a stack of books and tells him to read them and come back the following week. When he returns, the old man says, "did you find the answers you were looking for." When the man says no, the old man hits him with a rod, hands him another stack of books and tells him to return next week. This continues for several weeks with each week the old man striking him and giving him more books. On the last visit, when the old man raises his stick to strike the young man, the young man grabs the stick preventing the pain. The old man says, Aha, you have now learned that you cannot know the answers to all things and you have learned to stop the pain.
I know this seems long-winded but this makes so much sense to me in our situation. We will never know the how and whys of their LTA's. We will never be able to understand - I am convinced of this. We struggle to understand, to get to the truth, to stop the pain but the questions and the hurt never seem to stop. What our assphat H's never seem to understand is that with each lie following d-day our ability to trust and to heal gets more impossible. I do believe that they think by lying they are protecting us from more pain when the opposite is true. The more they lie or gloss over the truth, the more uncertain we are of who they are and where we stand in the marriage.
I will think about what you have written and if I can offer any advice I will certainly post but know in the meantime that you are in my thoughts and I'm here if you need support.
(((((UKG))))
ETA - I think the key for all of us is learning how to stop our pain. For some it might mean moving on, leaving the marriage especially when a FWS continues in destructive behavior. For others, as BT suggested, it means focusing on ourselves and working on our own issues, finding our own means of happiness and if we're lucky enough, watching our H's work and overcome their personal issues. For me, I have found that focusing on those positive things that are happening in my life, acknowledging the positive changes in my H, taking better care of myself and my needs have all helped to minimize the pain over time. I don't think I will ever be free of the pain but I have found my joy again and that has been a wonderful gift. Your sons are such a source of joy to you - I hear it everytime you talk about them. I have been amazed at how healing it can be to let the love we feel and are given by those other very special people in our lives can be if we keep ourselves open to them.
We can be happy again. I am 2 1/2 years out and there are days when I find myself smiling for no reason at all - usually those days I spend with my DD and grandson. And, yes, there are very dark days but they are getting less and less and the good times are more frequent than the bad. So there is hope, I promise you.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:21 AM, May 25th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((UKg))))))

If your H is willing to work himself back into a marriage of 2 people, he really ought to consider deep IC..just like BT suggested.

MC can take you only so far in R. The WS needs to look into how and why he was able to do what he did for so long. And your H, like many of ours here, seems to have some deep issues that needs addressing.

You will do your head in, Ukg, trying to analyse him. It is almost unbearable trying to make sense of them.

After months of banging my head on the wall, I had to step back and let him go.For my sake. I got into IC,and she has been wonderful for me. HE has finally found an IC who seems to be working out for him.

My IC told me pretty early on that her job was not to save my M; it was to help me save me. H's IC told him the same thing.

The plan is what we both save ourselves, and when and if we both are able, we will at long last be in a real M.

My fears are unlimitless. I document them often enough here.

It sounds like you have reached your limit of headbanging.

As far as your thoughts re. your H...sounds pretty spot on. I especially like your line where you know that its not about you not being enough; it was about him not being enough all the time.

****

Hey Fnf.
I couldnt let you get away with picking on ye!

What our assphat H's never seem to understand

This had better be a typo. phat means Pretty Hot and Tempting!!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I have just got back from friendís house (aka UKg2), told her what has gone off since last week and she has also said he needs IC. He needs to face himself and his demons and his foo issues and find out why he has to not only ďsucceedĒ but to exceed his targets. It will all be there in his childhood. And possibly in his relationship with OW the first time around. His need to be recognised as ďsomethingĒ and yet, oddly, he is insecure and waiting to be ďfound outĒ in some way. That all he has and all he was turns out to be a big fat lie. That perhaps he is not the great friend, or clever, witty, charming, confident, outgoing, or a wonderful husband (know that one now) or the father who is looked up to. I think he has spent his life waiting for it to come crashing down. When that didnít happen, he made it happen. He turned himself into the shit he always knew he was.

As to the age issue, he thought he was going to play rugby into his dotage. A RTA put paid to that. One where the whiplash was so bad he had to be braced out of the car b/c he lost all feeling in his arms and legs. Mortality moment. And in 2000 a very good friend of his died from a heart attack following an asthma episode. He was 46 and a barrister with no will. Obviously he wasnít expecting to die so young. H was best man at their wedding and pall bearer at the funeral. They got married five years to the day after we did, so same anniversary. Another mortality moment. Also around that time, he was witness to an appalling RTA where a Belgium truck driver drove into the back of a stationary police vehicle in the first lane of the motorway. It was attending an existing RTA and the ambulances were in attendance. A woman pc was in the vehicle and was in a wheelchair at the subsequent inquest. A man who was walking wounded at the first RTA was catapulted into the back of the ambulance and killed outright. The person being loading into the ambulance consequently died. One paramedic was hospitalised. H managed to get round the truck, but he was watching it jack-knife towards him at a frightening speed in his rear view mirrors. His car was embedded with fine glass on one side and peppered with stones from the central reservation as he fought to control the car. Yet another mortality moment. In other words, he realised life is fragile.

I was always so proud that this wonderful healer, businessman, musician, craftsman, raconteur, charmer was mine. That he loved me and only me. Once I quit working and focused solely on family, my self-image came mostly from my position as wife and mom, and especially wife to such a charming, larger-than-life guy whom everyone loved and respected. The affair killed that part of my self-image and it killed my respect and admiration for my husband. It took a long, long time for me to replace that part of my self-image with what should have been there all along -- an appreciation for who I am apart from anyone else. It also took a lot of work on my husband's part in facing his demons and conquering them. He's not perfect now by any means -- we're both still a work in progress. But I have enormous respect for the journey he has traveled and the changes he has made since d-day.

Take out ďmusicianĒ (thatís me!) and you could be talking about us. But I donít know if he can truly look at himself and see that he can work to change himself. Itís too painful for him.

The more they lie or gloss over the truth, the more uncertain we are of who they are and where we stand in the marriage.

And he pushes me further away b/c I know heís lying. Yes, my boys are my joy. I know I have done something really good in my life, they are love itself, easy, warm and true. I have been there for them, although the last two yrs have been so hard. I know I will always be in their hearts Ė even wild DS3!

LostH, I know Iím headbanging, but I just want him to be open and tell me the truth. What is so hard about that? Truth. Heís rewritten it all. And now I think he wants it buried.

Why do people have to make things and life so fucking complicated? Itís LIFE, itís SHORT, so get on with it, count your blessings and ENJOY it.

Thank you all so much. Iíd be on the way to the asylum if it wasnít for you.

ETA and now Iím going to find a quiet corner to weep for a while. Still mourning and still not understanding. But I know I can find others who truly understand my pain and confusion, thank you. (((((LTA Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:49 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do people have to make things and life so fucking complicated? Itís LIFE, itís SHORT, so get on with it, count your blessings and ENJOY it.

And above all,do no harm.
Pity this doesnt come embedded in all of our heads when we are born.

((((UKG))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great step-by-step "how-to" post on detachment that CD posted on the inspiration forum for anyone who may need it.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

For those of you who are going through a downer on the rollercoaster:
(((((((LTA'ers))))))))

****

Hey Weepy...so what happened with the car? And what car is it?

****
(((BT)))

Hope today goes well.
We will be there....red bows and all.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Lost, but it won't be today. They called me this a.m. and said the doctor was called into emergency surgery and will have to call later to reschedule.

I'm not a good wait-er. Patience has never been my virtue of choice.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrrggghhhh BT!!!!!
Unfortunately I am also a very impatient person too, so am no help in that regard.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, thank you for flagging CD's post on Steps To Detachment. To be honest, I never go into the Inspirations forum, so thanks again.And I am going to past it on.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itís a bit like the 180. Donít focus on them, focus on you. Enlightening. I like the bit about throwing problems back. Think Iíll copy and keep that as my own inspiration from time to time.

Thanks BT. And I hope the wait is not too long.

Am a bit better today. Least I havenít cried. MC becomes IC for me tomorrow.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg, are you happy with your MC/IC? Is she challenging enough for you, as opposed to being comfortable and empathetic?

I know that all cried out drained feeling. Take care of yourself, Sweetie.

(((ukg)))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK

I think crying is vastly underrated. Sometimes nothing else will do but a cry to work loose those emotions.

I'm glad you are starting IC. I have a bit of concern that it is with the person you have done MC with. One of the great benefits of having a different IC is that they start with you fresh today, not the you that you were whenever you started MC.

So, make sure she is focusing on you and what you need today. And that she pushes you to dig farther and deeper than you would really like to. Good IC is like a good workout. No pain, no gain.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing this morning. It was a holiday weekend here in the US so it was difficult spending time on SI with my H always checking to see what I was doing. Chased him away a few times but he always came back.
How are you today, UKG?? Sometimes, as BT said, crying is the best way to release our intense emotions. I was not a big crier before d-day, now I feel like I'm always on the brink. Just the smallest upsetment will push me over the edge. When something larger than this happens, as did with you, the tears seems unending. That's what we're all here for - to give and receive support. So glad you kept posting during this difficult time.
LH - hadn't really made the connection with ass'phat' - guess I'll have to go back to the ole "fucktard" adjective when talking about our FWH's. I was trying to clean up my act but now you gave me an excuse not to :)
BT - have you heard from the doctor's office yet. I hope they are able to give you an appointment quickly. They must know that you are concerned. Keep us posted.
Weepy - hope you had a good holiday weekend. Check in with us and let us know how you're doing.
Hugs to the rest of the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
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Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also checking in--hugs to all.

I was not a big crier before d-day, now I feel like I'm always on the brink. Just the smallest upsetment will push me over the edge.

So true for me as well--if something is being discussed relating to the infidelity or OC or something, I hear my voice shaking regularly!! And the tears flow.

We had a "discussion" about closeness, I guess you could say. H works really hard and long hours (which as I've said before I thought was part of our lives, I accepted and worked around that fact thinking we were partners in this M, both working hard for the same goals--til I found out part of his goal was time for OW), so now I get antsy if I don't feel I'm getting the attention I need and deserve. And it's connected to the frequency of our sex life too--if it's getting too long, I think rejection right away.

So after the talk, I went to journal, which I haven't done in months, and found that what I was writing was exactly the same stuff I had written two months ago. Weird discovery--guess I've found out what my feelings are that are still paramount inside me about this whole mess. Fodder for IC.

So I guess part of me will always expect withdrawl and eventually the possibility of his leaving--maybe not physically but emotionally--or maybe both--forever. Part of what happens is that H hasn't climbed out of his basically depressed hole, feeling he's fucked up 4 lives forever. And he feels he's doing well just putting one foot in front of the other and getting by--just like I felt for months and months after d=day. And it drags him down a lot.

Being the impatient and practical one, I basically think--get on with it--let's work together to build the best we can, accept what you did and work on us. And especially don't forget my needs--which he usually tries not to do, but I still have trouble empathizing totally with his despair--am I the bad one now?

Well, gotta go to work, could write reams, but thought I'd vent a bit.

UKG, just support to you. And all of us.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25 Wimsey - good to see you again. This is one hell of a process and one can surely get weary. If our FWH's think we have it in us to be overly concerned for their process, then at least from my point of view, my H is going to be very disappointed. I am much too busy trying to survive mine.
So, in answer to "am I the bad one", absolutely not. What we have to do to heal and thrive after d-day is enormous and although we may have energy or desire at times to comfort or assist them in their journey, our first priority, IMHO, must be to heal ourselves.
so now I get antsy if I don't feel I'm getting the attention I need and deserve. And it's connected to the frequency of our sex life too--if it's getting too long, I think rejection right away.

I just had another meltdown the other day because 5 days had gone by without any interest from my H for sex. I was a literal basketcase, sobbing and believing that he was back to his old tricks. He was very understanding but also very confused by my insecurity. Completely irrational considering it had only been 5 days yet I am still so sensitive to his desire or lack thereof for me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
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Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he feels he's doing well just putting one foot in front of the other and getting by--just like I felt for months and months after d=day. And it drags him down a lot.

25W, is your H in IC? As I have mentioned before, my H is also quite depressed, and we suspect, has been for years and years. He is trying to address this now (obviously not as fast as I would like ). One of the issues that came out for him (and which I actually recognised just after we married but attributed to something else), was that he doesnt think he deserves to be happy, after what he did. And what he fails to see, IMHO, is that he is bringing us all down with this...that he will end up sabotaging everything if he continues.
Do you feel the same about your H?

***
((((FNF))))
Sounds like last week was really hectic for you.

But you are sounding better today.

***
Regarding our FWS's process...this is a toughie for me. I cant help being overly concerned (the controller in me), but I see it as crucial to the health and safety of my whole family.

It has been hard for me to step back from his IC. If I had my way...
But I learnt here that I have to let him go for all our sakes.
But I still keep a very determined eye out. Just the other week, his IC mentioned St John's Wort to him (now I personally think he is way beyond this!) and I bought it for him the next day. Of course he hasnt taken one yet, and I have to kick myself for even stepping over on this one.

I wish I was more hands off Fnf, but I know I will have to co-drive this car for some time before I feel safe again.Makes sense?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the Detachment thread in Inspiration. The thing that got me was the line "The reward they seek is seeing the pain in your eyes. It gives them power" I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember it exactly. I have started to suspect that WH hurts me on purpose to have that power. He is a bully and likes exerting power over others to make himself feel better. Also, that explains why no matter what I say or do, how well I treat him, he will do something to hurt me. I think part of it is when I am a mess, depressed and hysterical I am easier to control. When I am strong and calm I tell him to go fly a kite. When I am weak I am begging him to love me, to stop hurting me, etc. I think the power and control over me is what he is looking for.
What a sad, sick human being.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think crying is vastly underrated. Sometimes nothing else will do but a cry to work loose those emotions.

I am SO not a cry-baby. Iím not. Well, I am now, obviously, but itís another one of those things that makes me feel out of control. I do NOT like being out of control. And to cry for hours is just ridiculous. I feel silly. Itís all part of that exposing the soft underbelly to the very person who has caused this pain. I think I cry instead of going ballistic, smashing plates, throwing things, hitting him, etc. Internalising the pain, which perhaps isnít so good. But being in here makes me realise that, once again, what I am going through is normal. Whatever that means.

I just had another meltdown the other day because 5 days had gone by without any interest from my H for sex.

My H has never lost interest in sex. Or touching, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa. all carried on before, during and after the A. I find the sex difficult to understand at the moment. I look back during the A time and think it was okay. There were times when we went a couple of weeks, or it was kind of boring, or longer periods when it was his animal middle of the night stuff, but I know I can put those times to when he was stressed due to work. Maybe he saw OW more often when he was stressed? I donít know. I sometimes wonder if there was anything he held onto that was just for us, or if he shared it ALL with her. And stupid things like he just lay with his head on my rack of ribs chest this morning. Iím still underweight and I just stared out of the window thinking that when he did that with her, at least she had a comfortable bosom for him to lay his head on!! Maybe I should get some breast augmentation Ė but then Iíd worry about the pressure splitting the implants!

Sometimes, I really think I married someone who didnít want to grow up. In a lot of ways, heís a big kid. I have concluded OW reached for and married a father figure after she split with my H. Someone reliable and who would look after her. The relationship that she and my H had the first time (and second) around just made her more insecure and unstable than she already was. Iím just so different to her. Bit boring really. I said to my H that before and during his A, I was his anchor point in life, his security, offering him his home comforts, looking after everything, including paying his bills. I thought he was my anchor which kept us moored in our home port. Turns out someone threw the cable overboard and we drifted out to sea in different directions. Probably wrong metaphor, but y'all kwim, I'm sure! I'm just Mrs F*cked Up today. Maybe IC will sort me out.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a sad, sick human being

Snowbaby, I say this with all seriousness: the next time you find yourself in a situation where he is pushing your buttons, REMEMBER THAT LINE.

It will really change your perception of whats going on in that moment. And when you feel that level of pity for someone, it is hard for them to have control over you. And it makes it easier for you to walk away.

***
(((ukg)))

This is so strange. I was very overweight during the LTA#2, and now I wonder when he was with me then, did he yearn for her skinny flat body? Even now, does he think about her small neat petite body when he is comfronted with my thighs and butt ?

He dont ask that anymore. There is no answer. Like they say here, its apples and oranges.

My H has never lost interest in sex

Mine too.
And that actually depresses me. He says things like how I turn him on, and I think "Whats so special about that? Look at what others turned you on too?"

I am afraid to say that what I did lose post dday, was the specialness I attributed to sex. Sex is just sex now. Its not making love. It is important and vital and necessary to both people, and I enjoy it alot. But making love? Nah. That is for the books (which I dont read btw).


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

snow, I got upset at that line too. But I really think it's more than wanting you to suffer, enjoying the hurt in your eyes...it's not TO hurt you, but to stop you from hurting them. They have to push away first otherwise they get hurt and they just can't bear it.

And like LH said, if we keep THEM in perspective we can keep their words in perspective too.

I was not a big crier before d-day, now I feel like I'm always on the brink. Just the smallest upsetment will push me over the edge.

I can't remember a night I've gone to bed and thought to myself "hey, I didn't cry today." I'm sure there have been days,but I don't think there's been a lot of them.

H was home today so I didn't get a chance to get on here. Rainout at work. We did run around a while together. Then he installed the converter box and played with that most of the afternoon. I did my transcription and helped DS look for an apartment downtown.

The car was a great thing. But H is "using" it. He left to go to the dentist and grabbed my keys. I said "I have IC at 7:30" and his reaction was "boy, buy a car and you can't even get to drive it." Yeah, I know he didn't really care, but it'll be is favorite "joke" for a while.

We're both still fighting the nicotine monster. Today he said "either give me a cigarette or give me a blowjob." Clumsy, insulting. SO I responded in same "yeah, I could use a blowjob too, it's been quite a while since someone's been visiting down there." (The weird thing is I was going to mention that to him today, how our sex life has gotten suddenly filled with quickies for him alone.) We were alone and then DS walked in the door. I told H I was going to rinse off in the shower (it's rather sticky and humid here) and don't you know he comes bounding up the stairs like 3 minutes later and joins me.

I was having a tough morning, on the internet looking at the Chinatown area, it's more like the Convention Center area on google maps, seeing if I could spot the "places". I mean it's been years now and I'm still obsessed with that. Maybe I'll mention that to IC tonight.

He SEEMS to be only interested in building US, but who knows what lurks in that mind?

But I think between schoolwork and the transcription, I might be able to take some focus off him. I hope so anyway.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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