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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, as the site was down yesterday, this has been the first chance to take a look in, although I did notice it was up and running again, I HAD to check that out before I could think of getting on with my day. PHEW!! Panic over.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY WEEPY!!! Sounds like the day and evening was just fine. And I think the cards for you to find were a sweet gesture too. I know the feeling when you open one up and think ďthis looks familiarĒ except for me it was knowing he had not even bothered to go out and buy a card, he just went to my ďstashĒ and picked one. Heíd think I didnít know??

BT. What great news. All that hanging about on tenter hooks. Relief all round now. We knew you could do it, so have a pat on the back. Are you on time off til then?

Canbird. Oh my, what to say. Sheís got it really bad, hasnít she? I honestly think the only option is for your FWH to send a letter of NC. Really. A letter to tell her it is OVER and that he wants reconciliation with his BW. And that she is NOT to put herself down on his operation schedule or HR will have to be informed. It seems your H just is not being firm enough on this issue and she thinks there is a chance to wheedle her way back in. Have you seen the marriagebuilders video? Itís 30mins long or so, but I would suggest you both watch it. They cannot carry on being ďfriendsĒ in the workplace, they canít really carry on working together. Some employers state very clearly that if a relationship develops, one or the other should seek employment elsewhere b/c it affects the work environment for everyone. And threats of suicide are not unusual, itís that last throw of the dice. If he is willing to send a letter of this sort to her, then you have a chance. But I honestly think the OW is never going to give up and that there is a chance he will slowly slide back into a clandestine relationship with her again caused by the drip-drip effect of her constantly being around and available. Sorry, Canbird. Wish there was something else I could say.

So Lost, I get where you are coming from exactly! I find it easier to close down rather than say something I might later regret. I said to FWH the other night that I just canít say some of the things I am thinking and feeling. I want to, but I donít want to take my heart and soul and put them on the table for him see just how much I can bleed without dying. I had no choice when he ripped them from me on DDay and he is never going to have me so completely ever again. Right now, although he tells me every day that he loves me, I canít say it back. It hurts too much.

Loviní Have a great time!

LostH. Iíll never be a butterfly, bit late for that! I donít understand how he can be so apparently remorseful since DDay, yet he didnít give a shit while he was nurturing his affair, while he was with her, while he was having his internal debate about who he wanted to be with. He wanted to be with her, it was just too intense. And yet that was also what he craved. And it was the way he went about it. Deliberately. He had decided he was going to shag her, it wasnít just ďone of those thingsĒ. He wined and dined her and then took her to his room and fucked her. He says to move on with him, but thatís what he wants now. And I do wonder if I had found out before it burnt out. Sometimes I want to slap him so hard, just to feel that sting on my hand and wanting it to hurt his soul as well as his flesh. Kwim?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
healingmyself
♀ Member
Member # 19481
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I have been lurking here for a couple of months, and Keep getting great advise and help.
a little history, Been married 14 years, H had a EA 4+ years turned into PA for 7+ years, yeah I know just writing it kills me

I read all these posts and I still can't believe there are so many of us here how f*&#ing scary.

I am at the place today asking, are we all that stupid to want to try to mend the shit they did, what is wrong with this picture.

I really struggle with this and go back and forth sometimes 25 times a day. What the fuck am I doing our whole fucking marriage he lied, how the hell can I really think This will work, then I say but he is remorseful actions are matching his words complete transparency, not holding a dam thing back sometimes to much info,ect.ect. but then my mind starts: am I really this fucking stupid to believe :barf

I know time, time, time and to stay focused on myself, which I really am trying I just want some stability with my thoughts around this and I seem to be so stuck with answering this question for myself.

Thanks for listening it does help writing it out.


BS 40+
FWH 40+
LTA 7+
M 15 years
D-Day Jan 08
one beautiful gorgeous 10yr son
trying real hard to R!!!

I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!


Posts: 1099 | Registered: May 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - Congratulations on your acceptance into grad school. That's fantastic!
Canbird - You are in a very tough position to be sure. I know from my own situation that having the OW continue to work with my H would never have worked for me. There is too much continued contact and risk involved. The very fact that she has scheduled herself to be on his operating schedule is a sign that she is far from ready to let go and will be a continuous source of worry and concern for you which is so detrimental to your recovery. When I learned of my H's A with the OW who worked very closely with him I knew I could never tolerate their continued daily contact and told him that either she left or I did. Fortunately, she did leave (this is the only good thing I will say about her and showed that she had at least some guilt and conscience). I don't know what you can do in your situation. I can only send you my sympathy and concern.
LH - how are you? You sounded a bit stronger in your last post. I hope you will continue to let us know how you are doing as you approach these painful dates.
(((LH)))
Now for a little personal post. I was wondering how many of you are getting some flak from your children as you try to recover. My youngest D and I had a bit of a falling out the other day and she sent me an e-mail which was very hurtful. She has since apologized for it but nonetheless I have been hurt and confused by some of her words. Here's part of what she said:
You blame all your neuroses on dad's affair, when really it's just become your scapegoat so you can be selfish and irrational. You don't want to deal with anyone or anything that might upset or annoy you, so you just push us all away.

Now if any of you knew me personally the very last word you would use to describe me is selfish. Putting others needs before my own has been my life until the A. Now, as I work on recovering, I am being more kind and considerate of my own needs and occasionally this means that I say no to others whom I have never said no to before. This includes occasionally my children, my mother and my friends. I think they have been so spoiled because I always put them first that they can't adjust to my new attitude.
I guess what I'm asking is what have any of you been told by your children about the changes in you and how did you deal with it. I have such a need to explain how difficult the reality of my H's LTA has been to overcome but because I am trying to protect my children and not involve them in my pain and recovery there doesn't seem to be a satisfactory solution. They want me to move on, to stop bringing it up (didn't know that I was with them), get on with my life.
How can we explain that something so devastating does change us in significant ways? They don't like the changes in me and also, as my DD wrote in another e-mail, it is too painful to acknowledge my hurt and that is why she wants me to shield her from it. She said, "we all lost so much from dad's A and I'm still so angry." I think she wishes it would all go away or that it never happened. Who doesn't???
Sorry for my long-winded post but I've been so upset and not sure what is the best response.
Thanks for listening.
ETA - She also said that I wasn't fun to be around anymore and that one really hurt. We always had such a great relationship, had lots of fun together and to hear her say this breaks my heart because I know this is true. I feel it too.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:43 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the congratulations everyone.

Lost, the biopsy is Monday and I should get the results 2-3 days later.

********

FNF,

How old is your daughter?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone heard from HurtShirley lately. I haven't seen her posts lately. Shirley, are you ok?
Thinking of you and hoping you are just taking a break and working hard on your recovery and R.
(((HS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - she is 24. She was the one who was home when I discovered the A and heard me screaming and crying and then was there to comfort me during those first few days as she was home on her Christmas break. She has never dealt with her own anger over this and has told me that she would like to see someone. I have told her I would certainly support her (financially and otherwise) if that is what she needed but she has yet to take advantage of this offer. She admitted in her note that she still has so much anger in her over this.
Healingmyself - I'm sorry I didn't see your post as I was posting at the same time.
Welcome to our very caring and supportive group. We all know how devastating what you are going through is as we all have many years of our S's lies and deception to come to terms with. It is no easy task to process all of information and pain that results from their selfishness. Keep posting, know that there is not one of us who doesn't understand exactly the extent of your anger, pain and disillusionment.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is hard for those who love us to see the changes. The FWS is not the only one who wishes in their heart "everything would go back the way it was".

The best analogy I can use when this comes up is they need to think of us as having been in a terrible accident. Every bone in our body was shattered and although we are rehabbing and doing the physical therapy (MC/IC/Books/Meds) we will NEVER look, feel, move the same way again.

I talked to my IC about how angry I get at the slightest even perceived. insult. And she told me that it was a a cumulative issue. The bottom layer BEING the affairs. Everything else that happens just builds on that.

She asked me if I was that sensitive all my life. I told her that the last 15 years of my life I've lived either with a husband involved in an affair or recovering from an affair. SO to think back over 15 years and ask if I'd been that sensitive..... Yes, I can think about before Dday vs today, but not back when my children were infants. I'm sure I got angry, but I was the "slam some pots, stomp around, yell a while and then forget it type". Now I don't forget. It's almost like it's VITAL to record and remember every nuance of life.

And maybe you aren't specifically bringing up the affair with your kids, but the annoyance you might express about "their father" is probably not something you did before or did it with a different kind of "yeah, that's your father" kind of attitude rather than "yeah, that's your asshole father" kind of attitude. I've caught myself doing it. Asking my son if I heard what he'd said right or if I was being too sensitive. Like a reality check. He doesn't need to be brought into that... I should be asking my H what he meant, what he said. Or carry around a tape recorder.

I also tend to overanalyze and speak "therapist" to the kids. DS appreciates it sometimes, but others, just blows me off, gets agitated. DD won't even listen to it.

But it is a case of unless you've walked in these shoes, you won't ever truly understand, no matter how we try to explain it. Maybe it's best to just tell her that you're doing what you can, that you're trying hard, but you can only heal on your time line not on anyone else's no matter how much they want "their old mom" back.

I taped the PBS special on depression last night. I'm going to review it and see if my family should look at it. There might be some good material there for us.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very hard fnf. Even though we said nothing (didnít see the point if we were going to try to work it out), our sons have all been indirectly affected by the fall out. I would suggest that, even though your DD is 24 (21/22 DDay?), she does not have lifeís experiences to understand how you have been fundamentally changed. It is like a emotional tsunami. This odd feeling that something is going to happen, then the wave hits and itís as much as you can do to keep breathing and stay alive as you are swept along with all the debris and disgusting detritus, getting slammed again and again as you try to find something solid to hang onto. When the water level subsides, all you can see is a ravaged, barren landscape with a changed horizon where your life used to be. She has been affected, yes. Thereís no denying that. But in the same way as I would imagine relatives of tsunami survivors are. They rush around giving support and help on a day to day basis, shelter, food, clean water, help to build a new home and life. But they didnít live through it. They witnessed it and felt a kind of secondary pain, but their life goes on. And so does your daughterís. Itís up to YOU and your FWH to fix things, your DD doesnít have a say as to whether or not you stay together, does she? Itís not her marriage. If you make it, does it matter how long it takes?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I love the car accident analogy. I am going to use this with my D if she brings this up again.
Thank you for your honest and thoughtful response. I also think it is a case of "the elephant in the room" with all of us. I honestly believe it is always in the air and we are all trying to pretend that everything is as it was when we all know everything (or almost everything) about our family dynamics has changed.
KWIM??? My middle D has been demonstrating a lot of anger lately toward her father and has all kinds of excuses for her negative feelings but I think deep down it is related to the level of hurt and disappointment that she feels now that her KISA has so severely fallen off his horse.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:16 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry weepy, we must have been tapping away at the same time. Yep, road traffic accident analogy. Iíve had that with MC. I started in a coma! Or how about ďRegarding HenryĒ film, that was on the other night. He gets shot in the head while in the grocery store by some junkie and had to learn to walk, talk, read. But he values life a lot more in the end and realises it is not about goals and ambitions, it is about being with the ones you love. Good film.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is like a emotional tsunami. This odd feeling that something is going to happen, then the wave hits and itís as much as you can do to keep breathing and stay alive as you are swept along with all the debris and disgusting detritus, getting slammed again and again as you try to find something solid to hang onto. When the water level subsides, all you can see is a ravaged, barren landscape with a changed horizon where your life used to be.

Such a great analogy. Only those of us who have been through this could ever understand the extent of hurt, pain and overwhelming emotions that result following d-day. Thank you UKG!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think it is a case of "the elephant in the room" with all of us.

I used that one in MC too. I said I can see the elephant, but H thinks itís some sort of stain on the floor that no one has bothered to clean up. (Ref to me usually doing the clearing up Ö..)

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:16 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a hard one, FNF. Such a delicate line between teaching a child to be compassionate and teaching him/her to be a caretaker. You want your daughter to be empathetic to you (and others who are in pain), but you don't want her to take on other people's pain as her own.

If she has already apologized, I would probably let it go with her. I'm sure she does have lots of hurt from the affair, and as the trustworthy parent, you are going to be the one she goes to with it. Unfair, probably, but it is the way it seems to go. She knows she was out of line, and even the best kids get pissy once in a while. The one thing I might do is research and find a good IC for her and give her the name and number.

And frankly, I think her seeing you standing up for yourself and fulfilling your own needs is one of the best life lessons you can give her. That is what we all need to do, always. Including you. Including her.

But you might also want to use her words as a prompt to take a look at yourself. I think we all run through life on autopilot most of the time without taking a minute to stop and look at what we are doing, whether it is what we want to be doing, and what changes we could make that would make us happier and more fulfilled.

This might be a good stopping point for you to do that. Maybe there are some things you want to change. Or maybe not. Just the action of looking is beneficial in and of itself, I think.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 9:40 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking of the changes that have occurred in me and my life since learning of my H's LTA. I would love to talk about this to my D so she could understand why this process takes so long but I worry about burdening my children with my recovery issues so maybe I'll just list them here if you all don't mind. Feel free to add to this list if you feel it would help.
Where I once believed I had a loving and devoted H, I now know that I was married to a liar, cheater, and self-absorbed philanderer who cared nothing about the devastation it would cause me or our children but only cared about himself and his perverse needs, getting off wherever and whenever the mood struck. Tough reality to come to terms with!
Where once I let the little annoyances roll off my back, I now react with anger and disgust - How dare he criticize this meal - he's lucky that I even put one on the table.
Where once I was confident, secure and happy to be alive, I now feel unsure, insecure and sometimes (rarely like on days like today) wish that I could just slip away peacefully.
Where once I trusted my own judgment, believed I could read others well and "knew" who my friends were and were not, I now know that my judgment is faulty. I trusted two people, believed they loved and cared about me, and they used my trust and love against me to betray me every chance they could. Now I look at the people in my life and try to figure out if I am safe with them.
Where once I felt proud of myself, my H, my family, I now feel shame. I worry that family and friends who don't know might find out and judge me harshly for staying in this M. I meet with friends who I think don't know and the entire time I am with them I am wondering if they do know and how they are judging me. It diminishes my pleasure with all of this preoccupation.
Where once I watched my H leave for work, play or whatever and "knew" he was going where he told me he was going, I now doubt him and worry that he is still in contact with the OW, tha he is running off to call her or meet with her.
Where once I never felt the need to check his e-mail, cell phone, receipts, or to check his clothing for notes or god forbid, lipstick or perfume, I now do all of the above. God, I hate living like this.
Where once I could listen to music, watch a video, go to the movies and enjoy all of these, I now sit or listen with a sense of fear that something will trigger me and my preoccupation with this keeps me from fully enjoying these activities.
Where once I made love to my H and there were only two people in the room with us, there are now three no matter how hard I try to shut her out. My mind is trying to shut out questions like, "How was it different with her?" What did she do that he found so hard to turn away from and could "compartmentalize" us away so he could continue down this destructive path? Does he think of her while we're having sex and compare our performances? This is one of the worst fallouts.
Where once I felt safe with him and was sure that we would always be together, I now wonder and make plans should I find myself on my own after 35 years together.
Where once I thought my H was a wonderful role model for my son, I now worry that my son or one of my daughters will follow in their father's footsteps and see marriage as something to be trivialized and not sacred.
Where once I looked to my H to give my daughters the security that they should seek in a partner, I now worry that they will suffer the effects of his A and have difficulty trusting their spouses.
I could go on and on but these are the things that most often continue to haunt me and consume my energy as I try to regain my footing.
I don't know how long this will take but we all know it won't happen overnight.
I hope this hasn't brought anyone down, I just had to write this out and this seemed to be a safe place to do this.
ETA - And where once I would sit and watch a political debate with him and nod in agreement when he said something like, "They're all a bunch of liars. You can't believe a thing that comes out of their mouths" I now say under my breath, F---ing hyprocrit!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:33 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FNF)))

Thank you for trusting us enough to share those fears with us. I, for one, understand every one of them and had more than a few of the same ones myself.

How do you feel after writing them out?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
healingmyself
♀ Member
Member # 19481
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget,

you hit the nail on the head is there anyway I can copy this, this is everything I am feeling and finding such a difficult time putting it into words.


BS 40+
FWH 40+
LTA 7+
M 15 years
D-Day Jan 08
one beautiful gorgeous 10yr son
trying real hard to R!!!

I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!


Posts: 1099 | Registered: May 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - My only worry is that I will bring someone down by writing them out but I am happy if this helps someone. I can't say that I feel better just that I need to be able to explain to my girls why this process is taking so long so I think I have printed this out for them if ever they should want to know why.
Also, I wanted to say that I have thought about what my D has said and of course didn't think I was "bringing everyone down" as she put it, but I guess I do need to look closer and see what I need to do to feel more positive since honestly my H is working hard to make me feel safe (with a few screwups of course )
Healingmyself - take your mouse and left click on it then and drag your mouse over the post that you want to copy - then go to the file option on the top bar of your screen and left click on that and then left click on "selection" then click on print. That should do it. If I missed a step anyone, or if you have an easier way, please let us know. Good luck and let me know how you make out.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF:

I know you have talked about MC, but do you do IC?

If your H is doing most everything he can to help, then the rest is up to you. I know I would never have been able to get over my fears by myself. I needed the help of a professional. Doing IC was the ultimate act of self-care for me.

If you aren't doing it, I would strongly urge you to. If you are, maybe you should think about finding someone with a different approach who can focus on different areas.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
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Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you're right. we haven't seen shirley around here for a while. I know she said she had guests, but I hope she checks in soon.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, your list sounds like every single one of my IC sessions for the last year.

It's so bad that she asked me if I thought she was helping at all because I hadn't seemed to let go of any of my fears/concerns about this M. And her advice, if I still felt this way almost 3 years out, leave him. Not because I don't love him, not because of the affairs, but because no one can live healthy with all that going on.

She said she could help me with the judgement, and truly, I don't think my judgement now is any faultier than it was then, I'm just wiser and have new information which makes the judgement harder. I feel safe with 2 people, myself and my son. I don't MIStrust other people, just wouldn't trust them with anything I held precious ever again.

I'm not worried about feeling proud of myself or my M. Yeah, I used to sing along with Shania, but that confidence is gone and I've accepted it. My marriage failed. There's no shame there, I didn't destroy it.

I keep trying to tell the IC that I'm not concerned that my H is out there doing the same thing again. He knows what would happen and if he wants that, all he has to do is ask, he doesn't have to go through all that subterfuge again. I have to trust myself, that I will survive. I don't even have to "know" it's happening again. This time I'll leave because he was a horrible, abusive husband and father while he was cheating. And no, I haven't forgiven myself for staying while he was like that, just accepted that I did and know I won't again.

You're a strong, loving wonderful lady. And I know I'm proud to know you.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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