And go back to my post on pg28 on depression.
I gotta go now. DS4 to get off to school, dog needs feeding, Iím not dressed and the house is a tip b/c I had a meltdown day yesterday.
He's very literal and if he's not cheating on me, then none of this behavior has anything to do with why he did it, how he did it, or why he's not really recovered or "getting" it.
Meantime weepy, keep up the study for a new direction. And who knows where it may lead?
Graduation Ė great isnít it?! Well, until they take off to the other side of the world.
Off out now. Didnít buy anything yesterday and didnít find a smile. Try again today. FWH left early this morning for an interview with a company that has tried to entice him before. Long drive and bad traffic and he wonít be home til late. Heís got another one tomorrow. Fingers crossed that one of them will be the right one. Please send him good luck wishes with me.
LH your H was kind of brave to tell his employer. Even I never did that.
UK, I don't know what it means that he doesn't connect the two. He says it's because cheating is not on his radar at all, so he's not taking anything away from the M.
snow, and my anger is what I discussed at IC last night... I told her it doesn't take much to send me from a .5 (which is the normal level of always sort of angry -- the A anger) to an 8 if he lies or does something selfish or just inconsiderate.
Unfortunately it's not just directed at H. Last night it was directed at the owner of the building her office sits it. His walkway is almost obscured by bushes now. Spring and all the rain has them sprouting like crazy. You can hardly walk without stepping on the grass. So I told her I was angry at the owner because it was inconsiderate of him not to notice that. It rained yesterday and I bumped some branches and got wet on my way in. This is NOT something that would have set me off prior to Dday. I might have thought "gee, Bob, why don't you part with some of the millions you have and get a landscaper?" But I wouldn't have been angry.
I mean, it's obvious WHY I'm always a little angry, but I don't want to be... the solution she says is in letting it go, forgiving. (reminding me that she doesn't know that SHE'D be able to do it either.) But I told her if I do that, he wins. He gets everything he wants and I settle again. I'm not about to do that. Then, she says, you'll be miserable.
At the end of the session she asked me if I thought the therapy was helping at all. I told her I'd think about that. Meanwhile my homework is to go home and hit my head against a brick wall a few hours every day.
Today is my birthday. H woke me with a big "birthday kiss" (nothing sexual or romantic, just a big smooch). He gave me a card. Completely generic about what was happening in my birth year. He's given it to me before and I was deeply disappointed, tried not to show him. (IC last night reiterated that I represent his mother in his life, the disapproving figure) so I'm supposed to try and accept him for what he CAN do. Then I found a card on my end table. A funny one this time. A third was by the tea pot... one of those generic "We fight, we disagree, we bicker, but we always love each other" with the bears or dogs on it.
There's one more... in my purse. I'm afraid to open it. If it's not personal, I don't know what to do. He knows I haven't found it yet because I called him after I found the third one. OK. Help me accept that the gesture of him actually BUYING me four cards is big. IC says I HAVE to change my perception, that maybe he's doing all he's capable of doing. If I can't accept that, leave or whither away.
I have nothing planned for today except a training session. Maybe I should look for my copy of that book. Gee that will make 4 I've read the first 20 pages of and put away.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I actually made a Chiropractor appt for this morning and I'm looking up the number of a place down the street to maybe get a massage. Other than that, I'm going to try baking some blueberry scones... the recipe looked easy.
I'm sorry everything is piling on you right now. Anniversaries of painful losses are difficult. Dealing with the depression of a family member is very stressful in the best of times. When other stressors are also tearing at you, it can all seem like too much.
But you have what it takes to see yourself through this trying time. If you didn't, there is no amount of support your could get from your husband or us or anyone else that would ever be enough. The truth is that you are enough all by yourself. You always have been and you always will be.
It is pleasant to have others to support you along the way, but the support that really matters is ours for ourself. It is the only support that ever sees us through. The rest is icing. We are the substance.
I bet you feel the truth of those words, perhaps for the first time in your life, don't you?
I think your husband is realizing that too and that is what his depression springs from. In the past, he has always blamed others -- you, his parents, etc -- for his own actions. But he knows the falseness of that now. He knows he was the one who failed himself, and thereby failed you and your kids. I can imagine that is a very terrible place to be. But it is also a hopeful one because it says a lot about his true character, the one down below beneath all the selfishness and the poor decisions. If he nurtures that character he will be fine. Through all the changes he has made, you see that character, too. I hope he gives himself the grace to allow that wonderful character to continue to unfold.
And you will be fine, too. You will grieve for you dear son and celebrate him. You will help your husband where you can, and allow him to do for himself what only he can do. And you will do the same for yourself and not expect perfection, but progress.
If I could give you one tool to help you through this trying time it would probably be meditation. There is nothing I've ever done that connects you with the strength inside you as swiftly and completely as meditation. Do you know any meditation techniques?
I know we're all different, but I would have loved that kind of a birthday response from my husband. I think it's pretty cool.
Hope you have a good day.
I think your response to the cards has nothing to do with those cards. You were just waiting for him to fail. I thought it was a pretty neat hing to find cards scattered over the house through the course of the day. They weren't the exact card you wanted, but it was a pretty nice effort. Try to just take that for hat it is...for your own sake. The same with forgiveness. Forgiveness has nothing at all to do with him. It is about you and being able to live in peace yourself. You can forgive and not forget necessarily. Not a 2X4, just wanting you to get some happiness out of his gesture. And next year make a comment about wanting a mushy love card just before the day.
Mine alwasy got funny cards. The few times I got mushy ones I made a HUGE deal out of it...crying and hugging and just thrilled. He now gets way more mushy ones.
We had a good MC session. They say I need to talk more. When I am thinking about it, I need to let him know. Like when he takes my hand and I wonder if he did that with her..I need to let him know. They think I am holding it all in and it is affecting more than I think and that I am starting to resent him. They again both said they think we are both doing a lot of work. I went with my counselor to her office (we do it in his counselors office) to make an appointment and when I went to leave she took both my hands in hers and looked me in the eye. She said She really felt like we were working so hard and that we were really getting there. That now it was just time and talking it all through regularly but that she was so proud of the work we are doing. That made me feel really good.
I think that H was trying his hardest to be nice.. clumsy, yes.. but heartfelt, all the same.
acres, I saw your Qs over in Recon but haven't had one chance to respond. I will in the am.
G'nite all. Hoping there's a little later, that would be nice...
Just wanted to let you know that I got in to my grad program. Got the letter today and I start in August.
Thank you all for all the prayers and support.
Happy birthday Weepy--I think the cards are H's version of thoughtful--and actually kind of a cute idea. Hope you can take it that way and that he meant it as a loving gesture. Ah, paranoia.
BT, WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Way to go. We are all so proud of you.
Lost, Big hugs.
Just saying goodbye. I leave tomorrow for a 2 1/2 week vacation with FWH!!! YAY! I will talk to everyone soon. You will be in my thoughts and I hope all goes well for everyone.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Thanks all for the bday wishes. Dinner was fabulous, we were all too stuffed to do anything but come home and change into pjs and veg out.
Kids gave me their cards. DS was a "funny" one, but he always writes a personal note inside. DD gave me the sappy one. DS made a comment about her's being sappy and that no one reads them. H said "your mother reads them, she likes the sappy cards." (So he does know people). Then he said "I got you a semi-sappy one." I just told him I loved the card surprises everywhere. That he did just fine.
He's up there snoring away, I just finished watching American Idol, crying my eyes out over the sweetheart that won.
Guess I'll be toddling off soon, have to drive DS to the train station at 6AM.
First of all I hear there is a birthday.....so fireworks, champagne and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Weepy!
So a short synopsis. My WH and slut have been in a LTA for just over 2 years. I walked in on them in October (my birthday so when I wish a Happy Birthday I really have to feel it is deserved !). Kicked him out, he went to Mommie's (we are both almost 50!) and then came home one month later. Like so many others, it was false reconciliation. In January I found the cellphone and email evidence and sent him packing. First he went to a hotel and then rented an apartment.
I knew that he was in touch with his married slut ("It's not what you think we only meet to discuss how we shouldn't be meeting each other anymore" )
I grew very tired of the land of limbo and finally issued an ultimatum. May 15th, either choose her (and I file for divorce) or choose to work on our relationship (and NC with your married other woman).
So May 15th comes. We have a joint counselling session for this exact purpose. He has given me no indication. Well, he chooses the marriage. But when was the last time you had contact with slut.....uh two hours ago!!!!!!!!!! Yeh buddy you knew this date for two months but talk about leaving it to the last minute!
So thanks to SI, I knew what to expect over the last week. Yes, she calls his cellphone 10 times a day (to his credit he has both ignored the calls and informed me every time). Threatened suicide (he called her when he got that one....bad boundaries buddy). And, because she is a nurse and he is a surgeon at the same hospital, has signed up for each and every one of his minor surgeries for the next month (which leaves just the two of them and a well sedated patient in the room....how the EA started!). The first one of these was yesterday. He called me before and after and was honest in any conversations that occured between the two (and I can tell by the tone of his voice that when in close proximity he still craves this poor excuse for a mother and a wife!).
So, for the veterans, what do I look out for now? He is not welcome to come home yet. I can not, for various reasons, control what occurs at the hospital. So, other then that, there has to be at least 30 days of NC before I will entertain that thought (our kids ages 17 and 19 have been through enough).
I am really open to any and all opinions. In the real world, affairs, not to mention LTA's are just not a part of the dialogue and I greatly appreciate your advice.
Sidenote: I must admit I am kind of surprised with the cards your kiddos gave you. Somehow I would have expected your DD to give the funny one, and your DS the soppy one.
Am doing my version of the happy dance.
Although I was looking forward to doing a virtual protest march outside that uni if they said no.
And BT, when do you go in for your biopsy? How long before you get your results?
How can I help?
Re H's job: I hope it gets the one thats the best for you both. All the best to him.
They say I need to talk more. When I am thinking about it
Word of advise:
How would you like him to respond when you do tell him? Would you prefer him to comfort you with a hug, or listen to you vent, or talk you through it?
In the beginning my H used to get very frustrated with me, as each time my need was different, and he felt that I was sabotaging him. HE had to learn that my need WILL be different each time; and I had to accept that he wouldnt get it right every time.
The key though, for both of you, is not to stop trying. If one approach didnt work, take a breather, then try another.Thats for Mr SoL.
That was nice of the MC to tell you that. Its difficult when you are in it, to see progress sometimes. Well done to you both.