TGIF.... another weekend, I just love the weekends.
I understand how you are feeling like you don't even want to be married after what your H has said!! What is up with that?? I can't believe that he doesn't love you. Why would he have kids and stick around for sooo long??
I beleive that we can love many people, in different ways. I would suggest that you just take a breathe and wait a moment, and see what else he has to say. Have you discussed your current feelings with him? I am sorry that he is being a butthead.... perhaps a good swift kick .... JKing
Welcome, and sorry you are here. I remember how it was in the beginning... how I sometimes couldn't even breathe. I especially remember the anger... I am usually pretty easy going, but when I get angry I can be a force to be reconded with!! . I think the anger is necessary to help keep us strong.
I also remember my H being what I felt was "someone else". He too would get angry and defensive for no good reason. Until he came out of the fog he remained defensive.
You are in a good place here. Read and post... there are a multitude of wise resources and strength to be found within the "TRIBE", and on other forums. We are here if you need us.
Thanks for the encouragement. I will post and be thankful that at this time things are going great. I think I just needed to hear that it's OK to feel happy... KWIM???
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Are you saying he is continuing in the affair right now?
I spent a lot of years as a writer. And like your husband, words for me are a tool.
Unlike your husband, I'm pretty connected to my feelings, and I, for the most part, respect other people's feelings and do not fuck with them. I think your husband is displaying some of the classic symptoms of MLC -- becoming aware of SOME of his feelings (mostly the negative ones) and being so undone by them that he tries to make himself better in whatever way he can. Part of that is being willing to trample over or ignore anyone in the way of getting whatever he thought would make him feel better.
I don't believe he wanted to marry that walking headcase, do you? But he was willing to use those words as a tool to get what he did want from her -- adoration displayed as sex. It sounds like he also got some real torture/manipulation from her, which probably felt like love to him given his childhood.
I would totally believe him when he says he didn't know what love was. I think that is absolutely 100 percent true for every WS that has ever been made. I think d-day for many is a complete epiphany. Unfortuantely, there is little they can do to change the hurts they have caused to those who knew what love was all along.
For me, I had to be willing to accept that my husband did not love me in the way he had pretended to -- the way I wanted and deserved -- until after d-day. I think he does love me that way now and it is truly a wonderous thing. It doesn't make up for all the years of something less, but there is nothing either of us can do about that. It is what it is. But he is doing all he can in the now, and I have decided to focus on the only moment I have the power to do anything about.
OW wanted to hear it, so he said it. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.
The whole LTA thing is pretty fucking stupid,Ukg. Stupid and pointless. Which they only realise once its ended.
From what I gather from reading on SI, almost ALL WSs say stuff that the other WS want to hear....so that they can get what they want...whether its the same false words, or actions.
My H and OW1 used to speak about the day when they would leave their BSs and marry each other. He said he had NO intention of doing that, but she was so desp to hear stuff like that, he just played along. At least with OW2, they were a alittle more open with each other...they ruled out M to each other early in the game, as they knew they wouldnt trust the other...but they continued to plan a lifetime of cheating together...even after we moved here.
Regarding H feeling like he was co-erced into marrying you...we had this conversation here some time ago...and you wont believe this...thats a pretty common theme with the LTA'ers - with either H not proposing or feeling cornered into M.
UKg, if you are serious about D, then you know we are here for you, regardless. And I dont think you would need a lawyer...I somehow think that Mr Ukg would give you whatever you wanted.
However if you are not, how about burying the old M?
The hardest part I found was putting things in a yes and now answer format. One question, then a follow up in case the previous answer was yes or no.
Just ask what's relevant to you... obviously is the affair over, how long, more than one, how it started, what happened when it ended, about financials, what was spent on her, what he wants for the future. I wrote down a lot of "would you be willing to.... questions", his thoughts on separation.
It just got to be too much for me and I realized there were a lot of questions I wanted answered on one level, but didn't on another. For instance, he insisted his LTA was only sex too, alot like the hookers. Well, I think if I heard from his lips that he told her he loved her, even if it was to keep the sex going, I would have walked. That would cement the issue that he never could and never will know the meaning of the word.
couldn't, Oh, I would put my foot down on that one... her or me, no reason to do MC without that decision, you're right. If it had gone on one minute past when I found out, he would be done.
H is being an asshat again today. Apparently his good humor only lasts about 48 hours at a time. He was giving me a hard time about only finding part time work. I talked to about 30 people from my old company last night, only 15 of them have found jobs and most were at a much lower salary than the one they left. I told my H I would never go back to work FT for half the salary if I could make that working part time. He's pushing for me to look for FT work now, a job with benefits. Because otherwise "that cardboard box on the street is looking more and more likely". Now what would YOUR inference be from that? Because I heard "if you don't get a full time job with benefits, we're going to lose the house."
So I called after him as he left "Oh that's right, I forgot, the future of this family lies on my shoulders. If we fail, it's all MY fault." (of course I didn't mean it, I have no intention of taking on that responsibility any more) His repsponse:
"Nobody said it was YOUR fault and you better stop with that attitude right now." I told him I was kidding, that I don't FEEL responsible in any way shape or form for the financial condition of our marriage. I did my part for 29 years while he did whatever he wanted.
Somehow when I asked him if he would be willing to work for half salary, he was suddenly all "sure if the benefits were good enough." I said no way, you've turned down jobs that offered you $2 an hour less than you made at your peak. (He's just NOW making what I was for the past 10 years).
He hasn't called since he left for work which means he's pissed, I don't care. I just finished applying for 5 more part time jobs at local colleges... Guess he better start decorating that box.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Thank you for your reply. I'm so low right now that I can't muster up helping anyone today, so the fact that you are taking time when I need it means so much.
The long-term part has been a struggle for me and until someone in the just found out forum told me there was thread for this I felt lost. Here I feel like the added/different emotions are understood.
Honestly...I can barely remember the early days. It was such a shock, I went completely numb, and became a walking zombie. No eating, talking, I would look at H or the kids and just cry. It truly felt like my world had ended, and it was just a matter of time before the earth claimed my body.
Just know that we know what it feels like.
Some quick questions to you.
Has your H gone NC with OW? When? Is she M'ed?
About the trickle truth...you are not going to get all the info in one go. YEs it would be fantastic if the WS just spilled each little secret out in one go, but its rare that they do.
Heres how you help keep your sanity.
*Dont believe ANYTHING that he says now, except that he had an LTA with OW.
* Keep a log of everything he says about it. Months from now he will be convinced that he told you something else, and you will think you are going crazy.
*Even when he swears on all things holy, dont believe him
*Accept that right now he has had his ugly side made public...so now he has to see what he looks like in the daylight..and its not pretty...and he doesnt like it.So he will lash out at you.HE will say some very nasty things to you. PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM GET TO YOU.
I just cannot stress this enough. Your H's reactions sound very similar to mine,and I believed him. I believed his pathetic excuses why he had the A. How it was ALL my fault. How he never felt loved, how we (kids and I)made him feel like an outsider, blah blah.
It is a load of rubbish and I know he will be very embarassed if I were to remind him of that time.
Dont believe him if he is mean to you. Walk away. Have a shower. Go the gym. Walk around the block. As soon as he starts sliding down, WALK AWAY.
Hope this helps. Post anytime about anything. Someone is always on somewhere in the world.
Hey Ukg. How are you doing? Weather is SO crappy, isnt it?
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 11:45 AM, May 16th (Friday)]
Because I'm not certain about D or R, I'm not telling anyone about this. (a few removed from the loop friends know but that's only b/c they have the ability and position in our lives to overlook and not judge. in other words, if we R, I know these friends will be able to move past his choices.) Like lostheart, I'm a walking zombie. I'm ignoring my kids. I have no tolerance or patience for the bullshit from people that I come across. We've been invited places. Do we go? I feel grateful that I have SI, but outside of here I'm balancing on a tightrope. (Immediate family and friends know that we're "going through a rough time, and that we're spending the summer apart." This version in and of itself adds to the confusion.)
[This message edited by couldntbeme at 12:24 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
I told him yesterday when he said he would take the poly that he can't go in there with any secrets, he is so sure he will pass with flying colors, I just don't know. On a happy note, my daughter who is pregnant to the test "intelegender" and found out we are having a baby GIRL - Wooo Hoooo! Grandpa really wanted a girl
What a nightmare! The only thing I am glad about in my situation is that I did not have to deal with an actively foggy WS. I just don't have the patience for that shit. It would have made me absolutely crazy.
I feel for you, honey, I really do.
My best advice to you -- and I'll tell you right now that I couldn't have done it -- is to 180 completely. To give him absolutely nothing but the certainty that if this doesn't end completely and immediately, I would be gone.
Cripes. I still can't believe that people can be this duplicious and vile. Crying to stay together on one hand and planning for a summer rendezvous with the OP on the other. Jesus, how to you get to be that cold.
Did he want to marry her? I really don’t know. He loved her enough as a late adolescent, but that’s young love, so not quite the same. But I do think he wondered what it would be like to be with her. Although, apparently she complained that I was “with” him when they spent more than an evening or so together. But then he’d come home and behave like a complete shit to me!! Where’s the sense? Cake-eating, I guess.
" "that cardboard box on the street is looking more and more likely". Now what would YOUR inference be from that?"
(eta forgot the quotey box)
That HE’D be the one out on the street!! Don’t let him get to you weepy. Smile and walk away (easier said than done, I know!).
Couldn’t. I don’t think anyone in the LTA forum has ALL the answers. There has to come a point when you have simply asked enough. And, for your own peace of mind, I would still suggest a letter of closure and no further contact. And 180 until he does.
GTMI. What are you looking for? Why do you want him to take the poly? How far back in time do you want to go?
But big for your news
If anyone’s around, send a few hugs to LostH. She ain’t too good. Here’s a few from me ((((((((LostH)))))))) Better hon?
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:44 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
goingtomakeit: I assume you had a good reason for scheduling a polygraph, so start with the questions that led you to want the test in the first place. Take some time and think through your M and any suspicions you have always had and want cleared up now. And do what they do on Maury Povich, like "have you ever had any type of sexual relations with anyoneother than your spouse since you met her?" say anyone not any woman because there are some same sex affairs reported on here. Be general but specific about the acts, like some people don't consider oral sex sex, so make sure you specify any sex, oral sex, blah, blah blah. Good luck, I hope you get the answers you need.
UKgirl, I feel the same way. We just had our 24th anniversary monday and I just feel WTF was it all for? He was not good to me, besides the A's was very controlling and bossy and unfair and always got his way while I got a lot of nothing. I don't want to bother either, even if he changed 100% and did everything I ever wanted I know I cannot get over all those years he didn't do what I wanted. I think it'd be easier to start over with someone else without all the baggage. Even if WH is completely new, all the memories and pain are still there for me. Like I said there is much more than the A's, and the unfairness and not compromising and we going without my hopes and dreams has been since day one. How do you make up for 24 years of not having the kind of life you want and not having your hopes and dreams?
I think I hit the plain of lethal flatness, and instead of it being unwanted, I like it. I spent so much time worrying about WH and why he did this and so on, and now I just don't care. I am much calmer and more peaceful. I don't care what he thinks, how he feels, what he wants, why he does or did the crazy things he says and does. I just don't care. He is unreasonable and illogical and makes zero sense, so I no longer care to try to make sense of what he does. It feels freeing to let all that go, to just not care about it anymore.
Weekend or not, I'm here.
Thanks Ukg for yesterday.
I dont know whats wrong with me. I have been very OTT emotional in the last 2 weeks and like I told Ukg, I feel like theres a huge vat of emotions leaking out of my throat, and threatening to drown me.
I have been snapping at H and the kids.Feeling extremely tired. Yesterday I almost broke down at the supermarket.
Whats wrong with me?
I feel like these emotions are getting out of control, and I hate it.
H is being v understanding.
Work is stressful, but I am getting there, I think.
Could it be the Mirena?
We have to vacate this house in 3 weeks and havent decided what to do next. The property stinks right now.
Or could it be that June is around the corner?
Dday#1; my baby's bday; my baby's death day; my wedding anniversary.
I feel really bad crying and going on about this stuff when there are people here with worse problems. And that makes me want to cry again.
Why are people not who they say they are?
I am learning that my client's parents will lie to me...and that I cant take what they say at truth. I just cant tell when someone is lying.My liar radar sucks. I hate that.
I am learning that my manager is not a straight arrow person, that she will only cover her butt and will not always look out for yours or your client's interests. Its each person for themselves.
We are social workers, for crying out loud! Arent we supposed to be the good guys?
Crybaby session over.
I am sorry if I worried you. Nothing LTA related. Just life.
Snow. PoLF isn’t a bad place to be. After all the grief, I think it’s a natural stage. A plateau of nothingness. And you make up for the loss by being the person YOU want to be and doing the things YOU want to do. I think we are all very much aware that we took on too much of the general doing and just being there for our FWS’s. Sometimes I’d like to just take off for a few months and see how FWH would manage. And I wonder if he’s still here b/c it’s just too much fag to learn how to manage accounts and savings, pay bills, get cash out, shop, cook, clean, laundry, medical, dental and orthodontic appts, school stuff, etc, etc. I was very much taken for granted during his affair. So much so, that I reckon I didn’t exist most of the time. Except to pick a fight with.
LostH, It really is no wonder you are stressed out and emotional. Try to take some time out over the weekend for you. Maybe you and H should address the looming housing situation and get that worry out of the way?
It could be the Mirena making you feel worse, when was it put in and what info did they give you? I would think it takes some time for your body and own hormones to adjust.
June & DD1, well, you’ve done that one before, try to plan something this year and let your H know when it’s nearer. Only you the right way to mourn the date of your baby’s tiny life. But try to keep it to a limit, maybe at prayers or go to some other quiet place specifically for that purpose. Your wedding anniversary? That is something you really should discuss with your H. Plan something together and get him to work towards it. That is, of course, if you want to even acknowledge that day. If not, do something else for YOU. Because you are better than this.
As to spotting liars – we are all in the same boat with naff radars! At MC, FWH said he was a bad liar!! Turns out you can be fucking brilliant if you put your mind to compartmentalising.
I have churned so many things over in my head this morning, it’s driving me nuts. One of the thoughts was what would I have done differently on DDay. And the answer was as soon as I had got a few miles down the road towards his bf’s house, to have rung home and said to give me his pin number to his mobile or I’d smash it to smithereens. And what would I have seen, I wonder? Bit of a moot point now, I know. I didn’t even want to see her texts until I found out that the “one” text he was pinging off to her 20 to him (with the idea that she’d eventually give up) was not quite the truth.
Hugs (((((LostH))))). Make this a “ME” day. Go on, you deserve it!
So I feel a little better. Maybe.
(((LTA survivors)))))) Everyone seems to be having a rough time. I'm sorry.
Wanted to stop in before my morning walk...
I get what you are saying and whatever you truly want in your heart is all that matters. What is in the past is water under the bridge... it can't be changed, so I hope you don't spend time on what-if's. Today is a new day--- make it your's!
I am glad to hear that your better today. I definitely think that part of it is the hormonal thing... but you also have alot on your mind. It's OK to feel bad, cry, rant or whatever you need to do. Sometimes nothing helps more than a good long cry.
I agree with the NC and the 180, and maybe going away is the best thing for you. If your H is going to continue the A he will do it even if you stay. He needs to know that enough is enough and you are drawing the line. It's not easy, but until I was willing to walk away it was like I was giving my H permission to continue... since he thought I would never leave. The worst though are all the conflicting feelings we have and don't know what to do with them... but I realized that I couln't run away from them or ignore them... so I just went with whatver I was feeling and that was OK.
You have a wonderful way of writting, I should have known that you were a writer... thanks for sharing your wonderful words with us.
Just wanted to let you know that we are here. I have no ideas about questions because I think whats important to know is different for each of us, but I hope you find the answers to ease your mind.
Well, going to get outside and take a long walk, it's actually sunny and beautiful out... the 2nd day in a row.
This morning the teller screwed up his deposit, somehow "you can't seem to get done at the bank what I can get done at the bank" and that wasn't supposed to be a slam on me. Then I asked him if he wanted to accompany DS and I to the Home Depot to look at rugs and plants... of course he "better because you wouldn't even look at the remnant section they have over there. And why do you need plants from Home Depot, how about the produce place, did you even look there first?"
DS just asked me what was wrong, why I was angry. And I said "Dad's being an ass". He said, "so nothing new."