He quit the sales job yesterday. He asked the boss to keep him on in the repair end. He just can't handle the pressure and the hours. Old dog, new tricks. Just can't do it. I wonder if that's why he's so confused why I want to change career paths???? Oh, well, don't care.
The minute he quit, he changed. He asked me to help him reorganize so he could hand off his files to the new guy, would rub my shoulders as I was making his new files. Kissed me good morning today. Even intiated sex in the kitchen while I made my tea. Hey, I have needs too!
Afterward, he ruined the "mood" by telling me he hadn't initiated prior because "you were in a stopped-smoking crabby mood." I didn't even bother to shake my head or look at him in disbelief. Just told myself that he's depressed, delusional, what a shame.
I applied for two jobs yesterday... one with a condominium property manager and one at a real estate office. I have to admit in the back of my mind was "well, at least it will give me a leg up if I need somewhere to live fast."
Time to get on with MY day. Hope everyone else has a great one!
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I think I am like a reformed drunk in that I get all preachy when I see people that I judge to be making the same mistakes I did. But it is a judgement on my part, and one I have no right to impose or even verbalize. And worse than that, it is hypocritical in the extreme. I am doing exactly what I urge you not to do -- trying to force someone to change.
My best advice is to focus on you, completely, and to accept him as he is and work from there. I'll leave it at that.
Guys, I could use a few good thoughts/prayers, whatever you've got. First of all, I still haven't heard from the freaking graduate program, and I should have. But more importantly, I have a medical issue that's scaring me and I'm going to have the first round of tests for it this a.m. I'd appreciate having some good tribal vibe going in.
I am so sorry to hear about your health issue.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for good health and happiness and safety.
Yeah, I'm as guilty as anyone "pot meet kettle" on the telling people to change thing. I even went so far as to say yesterday that I "have no time for people who don't deal with their own issues." Now who am I to talk like that. (I was thinking in medical terms specifically, but it can be applied elsewhere too)
I think if I can accept him when he's being a normal human and walk away and disengage when he's not, I'll be able to survive.
I know the topic of conversation for tonight's MC... critism does not = copmmunication. And I'm bringing the article for her to read.
I know what it's like to find something scary in the medical realm. Your mind will be at ease when you find out it's nothing. And sending positive thoughts for just that.
Love you, you know.
Thinking of you and send good wishes.
Haven't been around much as my laptop is off to be repaired and am using my daughters (which does not make her very happy). So I can only breifly check in during homework hours (3 - 9 pm EST).
Hugs to all that are struggling.
Cheers for those with new breakthroughs ((Snowbaby))
And "hi" to everyone else.
My realization on what was supposed to be my anniversary is that the biggest loss in all of this is losing my best friend. I really did believe we were best friends and now know that he wasn't capable of that. Going forward, I think for a very long time, I will be watching my back so can't be best friends with him. So sad.....
Maybe the most important thing in life is not how others treat us or what others do or do not do to us or for us, but how we treat ourselves and what we do for ourselves.
I think a lot of us need to learn to become self centered, in a good way, not a selfish uncaring way. In the way that we take care of ourselves and work on ourselves and do things for ourselves. All that we want and need others to do for us, I think we should start doing for ourselves.
I am hope I am not too late.
We will all be with you. And ask for pethidine or something strong.
Holding you in my heart, BT.
Fingers crossed you hear soon from the grad programme.
ETA: Just realised that its afternoon there, so you might be home already, BT. Hope it wasnt too painful and that you get an all clear.After a procedure like that, just pethidine and sleep it off. (can you see I am a HUGE fan of painkillers? )
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 2:27 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
My realization on what was supposed to be my anniversary is that the biggest loss in all of this is losing my best friend
I am sorry.
Maybe the most important thing in life is not how others treat us or what others do or do not do to us or for us, but how we treat ourselves and what we do for ourselves
Snow, I wonder why it is that we battle so much with this? I have to fight myself to be nice to myself..and I just dont know why I feel I deserve such shoddy treatment. How can I expect anyone to treat me with respect and kindness, when I dont treat myself like that?
I walk aorund especting to be treated the way I treat other people...yet I am the most unkind to me.
I met a woman today that just amazed me. Actually we have been working together since March, but we havent really spoken till today.
She is 60 years old, and looks 20 years younger. She is so vibrant, funny, sassy, smart and just so different from me. She was married once a long time ago and divorced after 10 years and since then says that she has been in love, in infatuation in lust, or just "in", quite a few times. She has lived in South America, India,Europe (France and Spain) and now splits her time between Spain and UK.She is like one of those larger than life people that you cant help coming away from smiling and feeling a little better about the world. I asked her what her secret was and she said she didnt believe in a God or a formal religious institution or in good or bad...she just believed that she had to make the best of her time here, she only had one shot, she made her mistakes, learned her lessons and moved on, didnt hold any grudges, was nice and kind to people and expected them to be the same to her, and if they werent, then how sad for them;she was choosy about what she ate (into organic food and just HAD to know which farm her meat came from and how they treated their animals)but wasnt so fussy about her clothes "cos thats just my outside, isnt it" (and she is not lying...today she wore this piece of material which was once a sari from India, then cushion covers then put together into a sarong).
She lives on a houseboat and is just so...free.
She says that she is happy and content with her lot.
And however much that freedom scares me, I just cant help but admire it.
This is a woman who loves and likes herself. Thats where it has to start from, isnt it?
I noticed your dday was just so recent. I am so sorry.
All I can offer you in these early months is to look after yourself. Eat, sleep, excercise. You must be like a zombie right now...please just look after yourself. Everything will come out in time. Read through past threads and in the HEaling Library.And journal. Write down you thoughts, what he says, what you think...anything and everything...just get it out on paper.Keep a log if you want of what info he shares, because (it pains me to say this)but it is a very unusual WS who spills everything out in one go.
It turns out I didn't have any of the tests today, just the exam, which the doc said showed nothing abnormal. Under some screwy insurance thing, they won't pay for the tests if they are done the same day as the exam.
So, I have to go back for an endometrial biopsy and ultrasound and bloodwork, etc. next week.
I'm somewhat paranoid because I've had two counsins die of pancreatic cancer in the last year. It's a pretty rare cancer, but a very deadly one with no great treatment.
Anyway, he didn't think it sounded like that, so I was relieved just on that basis.
Thanks for the good wishes and PMs.
I canít move on, even though H is practically begging me to. My feet are encased in concrete. I canít help but see he has rewritten everything with his eye on the future. Anything that makes it easier. Much of it conflicts with what he has actually said and done. MC (last night) wants me to seriously consider that he simply switched off, detached himself, said things to her he didnít mean (esp ILY and marry me) and became emotionally cold. And that by doing so, only one area of his brain was dealing with that which quite likely means he doesnít remember much of the time he spent with her. She said that while he was out of the room.
Having had my little monologue, Iíll shut up. But I did get a bit rabid again at that session. And I hadnít eaten all day and then I had three glasses of wine before getting upset at H watching me undress. I didnít want him looking at me in my turquoise lace underwear. I felt cheap. Like I had made the same effort as she would have done for him.
BT. Whatever it is, I hope the tests are over and the results favourable. Which sounds naff, but I canít say positive or negative b/c that might be the wrong choice of words. Just want them to say, these are the results we wanted, we donít really need to do the next lot of tests, but we should be 100%, not 99.9%. And Iím picturing that letter in the postbag about you and the grad program you want. (((((BT)))))
Weepy, I agree with the others and your own conclusion. He sounds a depressive in denial. But he has to admit it, embrace it and realise it is not a sign of failure. My H has been actively looking for his next job and has put his name back on the market with the headhunters. He says he is not interested in finding another job until he can stop worrying about me. But I want him to find a career move that he finds challenging and with man management responsibilities. I want him to be happy at work b/c that will give him a sense of value and that, in turn, will help me. I have to stop fretting about him. He knows I donít trust him, but that makes no odds whether heís working and staying away or not. After all, he spoke to her often enough while he was here. Letís hope they both find something worthwhile soon. As for you, I think you should set up your own business. Weepy Investigations Inc.
Snowbaby, you are doing so, so well. The lights are on for you and you can see a way through. Hugs to you hon. Just love the positive post.
Shirley. I think we can all relate to losing our best friend. We may be theirs, but they have changed the fundamentals of the friendship. So yes, very sad.
This is a woman who loves and likes herself. Thats where it has to start from, isnt it?
Hi to the newbies. (have I said that already to River and ICDT?) Join our tribe. Take what LostH says to heart, itís good advice. We all have our ups and downs. They are a truly fantastic bunch and there are a lot of wise heads here.
WN28, grab yourself a drink from er, is Johnny Depp drinks waiter today? Put on your sunhat and shades and feel those warm rays on your skin. The water is like a millpond today and that water is sparkling with the sunshine. No OWís allowed on board here.
I'm off down the casino. I hear Daniel Craig is croupier ....
MC tonight should set us back weeks if I get to say what I need to say. When she asks how we are since we haven't seen her in a month, H is going to be all "well, except for the job problem and stopping smoking, fine." and then he gets to hear "for the last 3 weeks he has been a miserable SOB to live with. He says I've been crabby, but what I've been is detached. If things hadn't even mildly improved by the time we got here, we'd be having a totally different session.
I'm going to give him credit for cleaning up his act a little bit since Sunday. But if he wants examples of what I mean by miserable, I've got a dozen waiting. I'm going to tell her about the article. If she doesn't know who Dan Gottlieb is, I'm not coming back, ever.
Here's my problem ladies. I had sex with him this morning. I know he tried his very best. He initiated. I did hardly anything. He tried to make it different and exciting, could have taken care of things himself while I was out dropping DD at the bus, but he didn't. I appreciate all of that.
But the sex stunk. I could barely stand his kisses. I kept trying to turn his head away and redirect it to my neck or cheek or anywhere but my mouth. He finished quickly, before I had a chance to, didn't even ask and of course he had to run upstairs to pee immediately after, so there was no after play. And although I could tell he was trying not to be argumentative afterward, he still had to add the "crabby" after he said I love you.
Is it me? Is it the detachment? I am wondering if I do love him at all any more. It's like I love him with my old heart, but the new one I've had to put back together doesn't feel the same way. Some old pieces are there and I think they have the memory of the love, but the new muscle and scar tissue I've built up has no memory of the love.
You know when you've had a heart attack, the damaged parts just don't work like they used to, if they do at all... Just today's analogy.
((hugs)) to the whole tribe and sending strength to each of you to help you cope with whatever you are dealing with at the moment.
It helps to have a time line and to be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions and reactions--helps to journal--helps to have MC and/or IC--and most of all it helps to have a remorseful H and to have time pass. Dreaded word, time---
Take care of yourself and find out as much as you want to know. And keep posting.
BT. Iíve seen your other thread as to what is being done. All I can say is yuck. I can think myself lucky that I have never suffered with my uterus, ovaries, hormones or any other vulnerable bits and bobs of being female. Well, apart from having about 8 miscarriages to my 4 live births. Threatened to miscarry DS2 twice, which was rather unpleasant. Had one of those x-ray dyes injected into my uterus one time to see if there was a retained mc. Didnít think much to that either. Bit pissed off with the getting nearer the menopause though. Periods that were always regular as clockwork went awry for a few months after DDay (shock and trauma I guess) have just started to not arrive on time. Holding your hand BT. Hope itís all okay.
WN28, Iíd say HB goes on until you have reclaimed what is rightfully yours physically, emotionally and mentally. Itís a strange and emotional experience, it can make you smile and laugh and it can make you cry your heart out. At least you know itís a normal reaction!
Thanks (((Snow))). Itís his way of dealing with it. But, as Iíve said before, he had dealt with it long before DDay. I just wish he had screwed up his courage and told her it was over when it was over! Difficult for me to accept when he has hired and fired people, attended tribunals from both sides, struck multi-£m deals, backed out of big contracts. And yet he couldnít say Ēitís over, I donít want to see you anymoreĒ. Never. Not once.
Hi couldntbeme. Iíd like to say welcome too. If you dip into most of our profiles, you will see that we all got the trickle truth. It can be lethal and have the drip-drip effect of undermining your sense of self. If you are not in IC/MC, I would strongly recommend you do so as soon as possible. You can discuss issues and revelations in a safe environment and with an arbitrator to guide you. You are very safe here in the LTA thread, sometimes you can get battered in Gen and even in JFO. This is my ďhomeĒ and my main area of support. I love them all!! Read everything you can and try to set aside times for questioning. Itís exhausting for you both. Reconciliation is a long, long road, but it can be done if you both want it enough.
A survey showing public perceptions of the cause of depression explains why it is difficult for men to seek help Ė most people see it as a shameful thing.
* 71% believe depression is due to emotional weakness
* 65% believe depression is due to bad parenting
* 45% believe depression is a personal choice
* 43% believe depression is incurable
* 35% believe depression is the consequence of sin
When a person in a relationship is depressed, the divorce rate goes up nine times. The reasons for this startling fact lie in the symptoms of depression, Imagine having to live with someone who:
* Has little interest in self or others
* Has a negative attitude
* Blames others
* Overreacts to simple issues
* Cries easily and often
* Has unpredictable mood swings
* Lacks sexual interest
* Is hyperfocused on sex
* Doesnít feel the effects of love
* Gets jealous easily and often
* Is paranoid
* Uses passive-aggressive behaviour
* Is prone to irritability, anger, aggression and/or rage
* Takes inordinate risks
* Is insensitive to others
* Does not seem to care
* Is continually dissatisfied
* Is chronically unhappy.
Many people believe depression comes from bad relationships, while it is far more accurate to say that bad relationships come from untreated depressionÖ.. Many men regard help seeking of any kind of problem as a sure sign of inadequacy, but to seek help for mental health problems is particularly shameful because their role is to be strong Ė physically and mentally. This is why he is likely to get angry at this wife or even implying he might be depressed. What he hears is You Are A Failure. If she dares suggest that he see someone for his depression, he will likely perceive it as an attack and launch his own counter attackÖ. Research clearly shows that, unless depression is address and alleviated, the woman will not only be left alone on the edge of his depression; sooner or later she will be gone.
As to the sex. Iíll just pick out one sentence, ďThey [men] confuse sex with intimacyĒ. I can relate to that one. Yes, weíve had the HB (still do from time to time), but it seems to be the main way for him to try and connect with me. And that is also what he gave to her. Somehow, for him, it can be a bonding, but can also be done without emotional involvement. And now to me, it can be as empty as his ILYís
I think you are building up a wall of protection, weepy and taking a stroll on that dangerous plain of lethal flatness. Be careful (((((weepy)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:23 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]