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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome aceswild, the people in this thread are very helpful and wise and you will get a lot of help and support here.
What bothers me the most about your story is your WW's lack of remorse. It may have been just sex to her, but to the betrayed spouse nothing about an A is "just". For R to work she needs to be truly remorseful. Trust me on this, my WH was never and is still not truly remorseful. In my opinion R is impossible if the WS is not truly and consistently remorseful and takes full blame for what they did. Downplaying it and saying it was "just" this or "just" that is not helpful in anyway to R. Your feelings are the ones that need to matter now, your feelings about her A. Not her interpretation of what she did. She needs to do what YOU need, not what she thinks. That is what my WH did, what he felt was enough. Despite my repeatedly telling him dinner and a movie once in awhile definitely does not make up for multiple long term affairs, he would not do anymore than that for me.
A huge mistake I made was jumping into R full force and putting in 110% effort and treating a very undeserving WH 10 times better than I ever had. He did nothing to earn it, nothing to deserve it. This, by his own admission is what he has done in 14 months since dday:
took me to dinner and a movie a few times, bought me flowers a few times, bought a few cards, told me he was sorry, told me he loved me, told me he wouldn't do it again, called for "help" (after 6 months of me demanding we get some help). that is it. He did many more things to hurt me and let me down over the past year, but tells me he hasn't done anything wrong in months. Which leads me to point out that his excuse for his mutliple affairs was that I didn't have sex "enough", so not doing good things is just as bad as doing something wrong.

I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. He does not get anything that does not pertain to him. I am really starting to think he has NPD. If it is not about him it just does not matter. I'm so sick of living like this, so sick of him. In my heart and mind this is over, but I am unable to actually move forward because he is irrepsonsible with money and has ruined us financially and we are barely making it as it is and DD is going to college in the fall. She is my priority. He threatens that if I tell him it's over and sleep on the couch then I can't tell him what to do or where to go, in other words he's gonna cheat again. It used to hurt, but now I say that is exactly why I don't want to be married to you, because that is the kind of man you are. He just wants everything easy and all about him and it is really a sick unhealthy relationship. And I think he is a sick unhealthy person.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking forward to the collective wisdom in this thread... snowbaby.. best wishes to you especially.. after getting caught WS is now showing much grief, concern, fear all the emotions., ans she had admitted that she fucked up our marriage... and is all to blame.. but my gut tells me that she really didnt fell much of this before getting outed.. and she had no guilt or remorse before that... the pain of divorce now generates those feelings. so they have been "forced on her"... she is very distraught for sure.. as am I.. but she still cant come to grips with her thoughts and feelings while it was going on...hiding? or is she really that shallow that she could continue that crap for such a long time without thinking about the consequences.. ans still really cant summon up any critical thinking about it


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome acres. Sorry you have to find yourself here but you will find an amazing amount of support and sound advice.

My H stopped his last LTA 7 years before confessing (all in my profile). What you WW needs to understand that it doesn't matter whether or not it was "just sex". It is a complete violation to you. In addition, I am sure you are feeling that the last 15 years were a lie as well. I honestly feel that, despite the end to the affairs, the intervening time period "counts" because he was still living a lie.

In addition, because she was still in contact, she is still in the fog. You may not see it. She may deny it but she is. The addiction has not ended. My H did not come out of the fog despite years of volutary NC until he confessed EVERYTHING - dday#2. It was as if he was still deceiving himself about who he was and what he did.

I would STRONGLY urge you both to get into IC and to find a veeeerrrry good MC. It will make a world of difference. Also, you need to work on yourself and your boundaries and make them clear to your WW. Obviously, NC with the OM is not negotiable. Finally, read the Healing Library top to bottom. If you are comfortable letting your WW know about si, try to get her to post in Wayward where she will get some great advice.

Keep posting...it is slow here on the weekends but I am sure others will stop by.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

I am feeling much better this morning.I know part of me is just wanting for this incident to be in the past already, and part of it, is that H has been trying hard to make me feel better.

My day with my mum and sisters was good, as we stayed away from hard topics.

So maybe, just maybe, I am being for myself the kind of mother I wish mine was for me and you are seeing that in me and wishing the same.That's what I've been doing and if you need me to be a surrogate mom here, you know I am only too happy to do that

Jeez FNF...way to go for making me choke up early in the morning!
Thank you. I already feel like we are all family in some way, you know? I was telling my sister that I had to come on quickly to let you all know the hospital results, and she was shocked (and a little appalled)that I would let strangers know but not my own family.But you are not strangers for me. We may never meet IRL, but we are family in some weird way.

***
BT, whilst on the topic of mums, what about relationships with dads?
My sister believes that I have an extraordinary amount of anger for our mum, whilst I dont react as strongly to my dad, who is the Ultimate Evil?
Does anyone feel the same way?

***

I can't think of anyone in that position that I wouldn't have hugged, can you?

I know what you are saying BT. The thing is, and maybe I am being too difficult here, I asked him NOT to do it. Wouldnt my feelings be more impt that "social niceties"? He knew I found this lady very triggery (because of their past)and I feel (right or wrong)that he chose how he looks in front of people over me. Again. He knew I would be incredibly hurt. He knew this would cause a HUGE problem for me. Heck, it caused an ERNOMOUS problem. But he did it anyway. At the end of the day, I asked him NOT to do something, and he did it anyway.

***

((((Steelergal and DD)))))

Oh, I am so so sorry.
And I guess your H's reaction just made it worse.

I know you will be there for your DD. It must be so hard for her.

****
Snowbaby, I know this R is hard for H.He has been through alot since both ddays. And I know facing me, the families, himself has been very very traumatic for him.
For someone who has known only to look out for himself, who has known only to get his needs met, and screw everyone else, to becoming someone who is now a FT H and F, someone who sees himself partly responsible for 3 lives, someone who has to take my feelings and needs into account to mention just a few...has been very challenging for him.

I am not maing excuses for him. But I can see and appreciate the changes that he has made. And I can also appreciate the internal struggle he must endure between his 2 selves every time, until he fully merges those selves into one intergrated healthy person.

However, I do take your point that it is a bit shortsighted (!!) for him to expect me to cut him slack when he slips up, but not be as compassionate when I react badly to those slipups. I am supposed to be the perfect BS, but he is allowed not to be the perfect WS...I dont think so!

***

Welcome acreswild.
Shirley and snowbaby gave you some good points.

Those early early days are so raw. You must be feeling icnredibly bewildered and angry and sad and lost all at the same time.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself..eat and sleep well... get some sleeping pills if need be.

Your W has led a dual existence for some 25 years.It is going to take her some time to fully come out of that fog, and I would be very surprised if you got the whole truth so quickly. However, work with what you know for now. DO NOT make any major decisions.

Just get through each day one at a time.There are some excellent points in KAtherine's list of what to do and not do, in the JFO.Search through past threads till you find it. They are all very very true.

Take care.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
What?  Posted: 4:42 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning LH. Actually it's the middle of the night here and I can't sleep. Glad to hear that you are feeling better after a good day with your mom and sisters.

Welcome acreswild. Good advice already given so just {{{aw}}}

{{{steelergal & dd}}}

Getting tired again. Gonna try to sleep. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Aceswild!

Last night was a hard night for me. Just for no reason. The mind movies were horrific and it was like I couldn't stop them. I usually use this imagery thing where I imgine a stop sign big and red whenever I think of her. Yet last night I didn't do it, I just kept letting myself imagine.

Wh came home from work and asked what was wrong a couple times. It was midnight and he lay down adn watched tvwith me. I finally told him I was having a really rough night and he asked why. I told him about the journal and the mind movies and everything. He held my hand and got close to me and told me he loved me and the thing that caused those pictures i my min was over for good so they woudl go away eventually.

He did a good job. And all I could think about was what he wasn't doing. He didn't hold me or hug me. He didn't say a whole lot, although he did say that he was so sorry for everything he did to hurt me and he wishes he never did it and a few things like that. So see, he did the right thing adn yet because he didn't hug me I am so suspicious. Yet I have chcked every phone, email, I have known where he is every second (I think). So why am I so unsure right now?

I go back and forth between it's just a bad day and they are going to happen adn it feels no different than other bad days and that maybe my intuition is telling me something. I hate this rollercoaster!!!!!!!!!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
GotToHaveHope
♂ Member
Member # 19188
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been posting in JFO for the past couple weeks and thought I'd dip my toe in here to say hello.

I found out on 4/17 that my wife of 10+ years has been having a long term EA/PA for "several years." The OM is not married, and we have no kids. She doesn't know whether she wants to attempt to save our marriage or not. She claims she is very ashamed, doesn't know how I could ever trust her again, etc., but also enjoys rattling off all of the things about me and our marriage that she didn't like. She moved out the morning after DDay as she needed time to "clear her head."

She is still in contact with the OM, claiming she needs his friendship and support right now. I told her yesterday that unless she goes NC with him that I was not interested in talking with her about anything other than financial emergencies. I can not and will not tolerate her continued affair.

I saw a D attorney late last week and she saw the credit card charge which was what prompted our conversation yesterday. As things stand right now, I'm planning on telling the D attorney to begin the process of filing for dissolution on Monday.

My emotions are all over the place, ranging from sad to angry to disbelief. I learned about the 180 and having been vigorously following it, which my WW has noticed and commented on, even though I'm not remotely doing it for her, I'm doing it for me. The 180 is helping, though, and I feel noticeably more even emotionally than I did in the first days after DDay.

My heart goes out to all the other good people posting on this thread.


D-Day: 4/17/08
Status: Divorced

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gottohavehope, your emotions will be all over the place it is normal to be so raw this soon after dday. What a shock to the system this is. I don't think you should wait for her to make up her mind, that is cruel on her part to do that to you. If filing for D gets her off the fence and she starts trying, you can always stop it. Once you are definitely sure she is honest and sincere about being with you and trying to R, I mean. Wishing you the best.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottohave hope,

Welcome!!! From the sounds of it you are doing all the "right" things. If your WW is still "on the fence" and having ANY contact with OM, she essentially is choosing to continue the Affair at the expense of possibly rebuilding your M. But like others have said, sometimes the "180" i.e. moving forward with divorce, moving on with your life for YOU will "bump" the WW off the fence and make her start to fight for the M. You have a lot of years invested in your M, but there is no M if the third party is still involved. She made the choice to have an A. The choice whether to R is yours- you get to decide the boundaries and see whether she lives up to your expectations. Don't let her turn this around about the bad things in your M- that's an excuse. Hear me loud and clear- YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE HER TO HAVE AN A. All of us have been through this and we are here to support you.

Good luck!

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sounds like a lot of people had tough nights last night.. I certainly did....started out fine and rapidly sank int a cesspool of screaming on my part,, lots of crying and many outcries of pain and hurt... didnt really accomplish anything.. wished I had heard of the 180 approach early on.. heading out of town on business for a few days.. might help to clear both of our heads...


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((SoLOst)))))))

I am sorry you had a bad night.But I am glad that Mr SL was able to comfort you.

He did a good job. And all I could think about was what he wasn't doing.

Thats normal, SL.Unfort they (FWS) dont develop their mindreading skills straight after dday, and it takes them some time, before they can finetune it (LOL).
Jokes aside, it takes some practice before they are able to get all the boxes ticked, and to be honest, I get into such a funk sometimes, it feel like nothing is right, you know? And bear in mind too, that they are fighting their own demons at the same time:(.

What if you had asked H, "Can you hold me please?" Would that have made a difference because you had to ask for it, or wouldnt it matter?

go back and forth between it's just a bad day and they are going to happen adn it feels no different than other bad days and that maybe my intuition is telling me something.

SoL, thats a tough one. I go through these phases (though not so often now)where I just KNOW he is up to soemthing, and I need to sharpen up my PI skills. But then, it always has turned up that its nothing. BUT theres a reason behind it...either we have been disconnected in that time (work, kids, life ); or I have had some A issues/triggers festering inside me; or he has withdrawn and been going through something (depression)and I felt his distance; or we had been having a good patch for an extraordinary length of time, and I was scared.

SoL, see your talk last night as a good start. You brought up a few issues, and now you can decide where you want to go with them, by that I mean, did you need him to just hear you out, or did you need some action taken, KWIM?

But if it was a draining night, give it a break for today, get some strength back, and set up another time.

***
LostSoul, hope you managed to go back to sleep. I hate that waking up in the early early hours and clockwatching, being so tired but cant sleep. And isnt it simply jawdropping how FWS's can sleep so deeply.

Sigh. At least its Sunday, so I hope you got to lie-in.

***
GTHH, I will ditto HB. Stay strong and focused. All the best for this week.

***
Acreswild, some time apart might be good for you, if only to have some semblance of a normal life. Try to keep contact with FWW to a minimum if you find it upsetting. These early months are so rough, so do what you can to protect yourself.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Snowbaby))))

Hey Snow. I caught your thread in General. I am sorry you had a tough week.But I am sure the Tribe will applaud the stance you have taken. You are not alone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH. He woudl have held me if I had asked him. I just get so tired of asking, you know? I just want him to know what to do (insert stamping my foot ala 2 year old). I should have just done it and I woud lhave felt a lot better.

W's great aunt died so the funeral is tomorrow, 2 hours away. We had a group MC session at 9 am that I had to cancel. I am so bummed. This is the second time we had to cancel. I left a essage saying I woudl like to come and see her still since I'm not going, and I'm sure that will be fine. I probably need the IC more than the MC this week anyway.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You go away for a few days and find all change during your absence. Ok LostH, you coulda called me. I could have dropped by if Iíd have come A12 west instead of east before going north. And I could have had a break from packing/unpacking cases/cars, rearranging furniture, hanging pictures and making tea for removal men to talk to you! 4xM friend on the coast moved about two miles from a seafront flat to an inland bungalow. She got fed up with the traffic noise. So, she enlisted the help of sex-bit bloke (NPD, IMHO!!) to sort her new garden and good-mate bloke to lay some patio slabs down the side entrance. Trouble was, they both turned up at the same time! Honestly, they were like a pair of puffed up cockerels in the farmyard!! Gave us a good hearty laugh talking about it over our Chinese takeaway! Honestly, that woman takes the biscuit! Sheís 62 for goodnessí sake!

Hi to acreswild. Sorry you are here and your story is gut wrenching. There is hope. It is a long road, but there are some lovely people here on SI to hold your hand while you walk it. Welcome to our tribe and take some healing. And I see IC/MC has been mentioned. Iíll just concur. Did you know you have joined us on a Caribbean cruise?

Snowbaby, there is just something sick about them all. You just have to find out if itís temporary or permanent.

Re family reaction to The News of adultery. I have to say that my in-laws sided with me 100%. I guess I struck lucky with them. They love me unreservedly and say that I stopped my H from going off the rails. Iíve never been sure quite what they meant by that, but he was (still is, I suppose) highly strung, impulsive, competitive, sporty and likely to do something without considering the consequences ÖÖ.. They love their wayward son and adore our boys and still count the blessings they have left. They were so upset when I told them, it screws me up to think about it. They felt they had somehow failed. My parents donít know.

SoL. Ride it, just ride it. All those loops, ups and downs will finally come to an end. We just got to have the longest ride. If you need hugging and holding, ask for it. Youíre entitled and heíll feel better knowing heís doing what you want. Eventually heíll get it and it should come more naturally. If youíve had to cancel your MC, why donít the two of you have a mini-MC together? Book a date, time and session length with perhaps an agenda of sorts and see where it takes you. But you have to agree a finish Ė say a glass of wine, long hug and kisses. How about it?

Gottohavehope. Ok. Is D really what you want? Your username says something else. Maybe you should take the same attitude and explain it the same way as I did. I saw a D lawyer so I would know where I stood. One less thing to think about, but I would be able to hit the ground running. That was a year ago. My H refused to contemplate engaging his own, saying it was the last thing he wanted. But he understands my need (I think). Everyone will tell you, and this goes for both parties, DO NOT do anything in haste. You are in shock right now. First things first. IC. MC. NC (with letter). Read, copy and paste as much as possible on affairs and long term affairs, starting with the healing library. Initially, be practical b/c it will give you something to focus on. Dig out your sunnies and join us on the deck.

I have finally caught up. But I want to ask your opinion on something I'm posting in Gen. Actually, Iím not sure what Iím asking for, I just feel odd about the whole thing. Iíve got it ready to go, I think Iíll simply call it Letter from FWH. How can it take 22mths to try to explain the unexplainable? Better go find something to eat (shut up LostH!!! 4xM made me eat!)

We were enough
We are enough
We will always be enough

Hugs tribe. Love you all.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:08 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lostheart, I feel stronger emotionally than maybe i ever have in my life. I have decided to put me and my healing first and whatever happens with the M happens. It is not my priority right now. I put it tons of effort this year and WH did so little, so i'm redirecting my energy to myself and my healing.

UKgirl, i think his sickness is permanent, at least without so serious work on his part which I don't see him willing to do yet. I'm going to check out your thread in general, haven't seen it yet.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, thank you so much. I am riding it out.Thank you for all the great advise. Great post to everyone!!!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Off all day so trying to catch up....

Steelergal, sorry I missed your post about you DD. I swear I just might have taken off my shoe and whacked my H up the side of the head. I mean, for fuck's sake, how insensitive to you, her, well everybody. Have you had a chance to talk to him about it more and does he realize what a fucktard he was being. Should you ask him "Is it better that she is never close to anyone so that she can't get hurt? What would life be like for her in that case?" The reason I say that is that I believe a lot of the WS did keep their "real" selves distant to protect themselves from hurt. That is why they were able to do what they did and not feel horrible.

((((Steelergal))))


She is still in contact with the OM, claiming she needs his friendship and support right now.

GOTTHHope - I hope you realize that as long as she is having any contact with him, R is not an option. You need to seriously look out for yourself. Contacting a D attorney may, as others have said, push her off the fence; however, you need to decide what exactly you need and be willing to let go of her if she cannot or will not give it. I am so sorry you have found yourself here but keep posting and we will try to help.


((So Lost)) I know I am new to this but I know that I have to ask for everything I need. Not because H isn't willing but because he is so scared to do something wrong now. He never knows how I will respond to physical touch. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes I swat him away and sometimes I just want him to hold me. I know that they have created this mess but imagine how confusing it has to be for them. It sounds like your H is really trying?


(((Snow))) I read your post in general. I know you are going through a horrible and painful time but it sounds like you have broken through and are ready to take care of and stand up for yourself. Did you read DLs post in general (I think) about learning to get past this? I have the link if you want it - it was extremely insightful.


UKgirl - I read your H's letter in general. First, it may have taken him 22 months to write the letter but it is very heartfelt and caring. I believe his explanation of why that relationship could have been toxic and magnetic at the same time. He loves you. Now ask him to show you he loves you. I read a great quote today that a man who is dying of pancreatic cancer is leaving for his 2 year old daughter. "When men are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do." If my father had given me that advice 27 years ago (and I had been willing to listen
), I could have saved myself a world of heartache.

On another note, your pic in F&G rocks - you're a babe!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
GotToHaveHope
♂ Member
Member # 19188
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone, thanks for your replies.

My WW is currently showing zero remorse. She says she doesn't know what she wants. Sometimes her language indicates she see the possibility of getting back together, but it's not consistent. I mean, she says she's sorry, but she still wants to continue seeing the OM, that he's a part of her life, etc. In my book, that's no remorse.

I realize that moving ahead with D so quickly (barely 2.5 weeks past DDay) seems fast, but I don't see what else I can do right now. Am I just supposed to wait and twist in the wind while she continues banging the OM? I honestly don't see as I have any option but D right now if I have any hope of maintaining my dignity and self respect. Of course, this terrain is new to me, so I welcome voices of experience as well.


D-Day: 4/17/08
Status: Divorced

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our two new members, aces and gottohave... I'm sorry you find yourself here, really.

aces, I too was another one who found out long after the A was over and your one comment

or is she really that shallow that she could continue that crap for such a long time without thinking about the consequences
really hit home with me.

The answer is yes, they are. As long as they arent' caught, their life doesn't change, they lose nothing, then what ARE the consequences? They have none and since we were NEVER GOING TO FIND OUT, no worries. Truly, it's that simple.

Sorry I'm not going to be much help on the "you can do this" front. I think this weekend has convinced me that not all of us can.

I just wish I didn't have kids right now, or they were grown and out of the house. I wish I wasn't the one who had to walk away from them too. I can't afford to take them with me. And why should they leave their lovely home to live in some dump of an apartment with me?

Don't even suggest that he go.. he won't, he's said it a hundred times. So I'm going to have to walk away from everything I've built, painted, cared for all these years because He's a complete and utter jerk and failure.

[This message edited by weepy at 5:51 AM, May 5th (Monday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTHHope. Itís very, very important you get yourself a counsellor. If she wonít get her own, it means she wants to carry on cake-eating. I assume you have made it very clear to her that this is not acceptable and that there has to be NC before you will even consider continuing the relationship with her.

I am assuming she is still staying with a friend, is this still the case?

You still do not have to proceed with D. Just get everything in place to take that choice if there really is no hope of reconciliation. Do you still love her enough to take her back should she suddenly come out of the fog?

"OM said he would be OK if I decided to go back to my husband."

This suggests he doesnít really want her Ö.. maybe he is a commitment phobic who has a thing about the fact she is a ďsafeĒ married woman.

These are very early days for you both. Please see that you are both traumatised by what is going on. She is unable to make a decision b/c she doesnít know what she wants. Itís all very clear to you, but not to her. The trouble with the divorce process is that once the wheels are in motion, it is very difficult to stop. It gathers momentum, flattening everything in its wake and God help anyone who gets in the way. And as we all know, the only winners are the lawyers. Itís in their interests to see that the process reaches its conclusion.

Try to talk together with a counsellor present . Itís a safe environment to begin unravelling the reasons why, for you to let off at her and for her to begin to see the damage that has been caused. Could you have been in the ď3-legged stoolĒ affair? Thatís the usual one for most LTAís. And, unfortunately, most Mís donít survive a LTA, esp at you donít have children. It takes a lot of work, A LOT, to get through the issues. Itís like peeling back the layers of an onion Ė and yes, it makes you cry.
*****
Weepy. If your law works as it does here, then he has no option but to be the one to leave. Here, the law stands on the side of the main child carer (usually the woman) to ensure stability for the children. The other party HAS to leave. Donít even consider it.
*****
Thanks to everyone who has seen FWHís letter. He told me this morning (late start, itís a bank holiday here today) that it was the right time for me to go away, that something was coming through about that time. He said the odd thing was he knew it was not right, he knew it was going nowhere, he knew it would end badly, he knew early on that it was not what he wanted and yet Ö. It wasnít really happening. I reminded him of one woman he would drop by to see, take out for lunch, encourage her in using her Cordon Bleu qualifications to find a really good job, told her she looked great and that she was holding up really well. She was the wife of someone he employed and the job required the H to live away from home b/c they had a severely physically handicapped daughter who was not expected to see adulthood, so she wanted to stay in her environment so the girl could carry on at school, stay with the same hospital team and she had all her family and friends around to help. He went off with his secretary/PA. She fell apart. Lost weight (already skinny, so think size zero here), drank (she was tee-total), wept buckets down the phone to me and wept buckets on my Hís shoulder. How could he be witness to that, all those months and months of grief and drama, and still do what he did? He just quietly said ďI know, I know.Ē

I think weíre getting somewhere.

Thanks Shirley, the SI gathering was great!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:12 AM, May 5th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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