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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said I dont just dive into a meltdown unexpectedly. There are many signs posted along the way, which I choose to ignore,

OK, LH, you said all the things I totally need to hear. How did you know that?? The meltdown came. First, I talked to him at dinner as the kids wanted to have a picnic outside, so we sat inside. I told him about the phone call and the friend and how it really upset me. Then I was talked to my son about eating his veggies and growing up strong like daddy adn nt a wimpy weak persona dn ws said yeah, like mommy.

In his somewhat defense, he meant nothing by it. I am a bit weak right now and not very strong (like physically lifting things). And he was just joking. He just picked the wrong time.

I let loose.In front of the kids too. OK, not too much, bt he knew I was ma. I told him I was sick of the putdowns in front of my kids and maybe he shoudl try to think of something positive to say for a change. I slammed a bunch of stuff and he left to get ready for kung fu.

When he came back I was on th ecouch crying. He came rght up and apologized and said he woudl try harder and he was really sorry he hurt my feelings. I tols him I grew up being put down adn it was all I heard and now I feel like he never says anything positive, it's always joking. He held me for a while and then went on to kung fu.

I knew it was coming. I shoudl have talked tohim sooner. I shoudl have told him about the journal. I haven't done that yet...to be onest I was focused on the conversation with the friends. No one IRL knows (well, the one friend). I almost told yesterday just for the shock value of it all. But now I know that I cannot handle those conversations and need to not get involved.

B/c of all teh steroids, my period comes whenever it woudl like, no warning. 3 weeks after the last time this time. And I knew as soon as it started why I had been so upset the last few days.

Anyway, LH, your advise was so dead on and I am so graeful you said it to m to read in black and white. I needed that immensely.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just came in from IC appt. Whew. She is just ...great.

Off to my hosp appt now. Dont have butterflies but huge dragons flying in there.The good thing is that they give me the results today..yay NHS!

***
Lovin, you are welcome.

***
SoL, use this for next time...and yes, there will be LOADS of next times...but they get easier to manage.
I know you are prob beating yourself up for breaking down in front of the kids. Let that go now, and focus on how you are going to be tonight. and yes, your H needs to build you in front of the kids. Not only did I build up a nonexistent F for my kids, I made him out to be a REAL MAN, not once building myself up, you know?
Now he gets to build himself up the way he wants to, and I try to do the same with the kids. Build yourself up, SoL. Tell your kids that they are good at XXX, just like YOU, that they will be caring and loving...just like YOU...you get the picture.

Now tell your H that you need some serious "I love SOLOST" time and he can give it to you in small installments starting tonight. Talk to him. Take that little leap to him. You wont know how it will help, until you do.

***
Will check in later.
Bye!Fingers crossed.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Wishing you good luck today with the tests.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday Lovin!

Lost - I will keep you in my thoughts today. I am sure it will all be fine.

As far as your H, I think Brooke nailed it with this statement...

Because I kind of think that when you boil it down, his sexual interest or lack thereof in this woman isn't the issue. It's that even when you've told him exactly what you need, in that split second of decision making, he chose himself.

What is important about this statement is that one of the characteristics that all WS share is the innate selfishness that allows them to put themselved before all others even if it means hurting those close to them. This behavior MUST be recognized and changed before they are no longer "at risk". I am frightened for you that your H is still putting himself first - he didn't "want to look like an arse" so he would violate your boundaries to protect his image; he is walking around acting wounded so he is putting his own feelings first, etc. etc. etc. He is telling you something very important here, do you think he would recognize it if you pointed it out to him?

When he came back I was on th ecouch crying. He came rght up and apologized and said he woudl try harder and he was really sorry he hurt my feelings.


So Lost - I am glad he recognized your pain and felt for you. Next time let him help earlier. Lost H is right in everything she said.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today, Lost. I will keep you in my thoughts and my heart.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - good luck today with the test. Please let us know how your results are - we'll be keeping you in our thoughts all day.
Lovin - Happy b-day - sounds like you're off to a good start.
SoLost - Your H seems to be trying very hard. He gets a few bonus points for responding right away to your meltdown. Well done, Mr. SL!
Hope everyone else is doing well. Hugs to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart- Good luck to you today; you've got the whole tribe standing behind you, sweetie.

Happy Birthday Lovin! Have a great weekend


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am clear.
No signs of anything disturbing. They dont know exactly what the lumps are, but reckon its nothing serious.Just for me to keep an eye on it.

Had the mirena coil fitted in and went into shock. I couldnt believe it..me!So had to spend extra time there.Nurse admonished me for coming in alone, asked what would I have done if it ahd been something serious, that I shouldnt be driving home alone.All the other women had their partners there. And no I am not exaggerating..I counted.

Have been home for 2 hours now. He didnt say anything to me when I left home, and he hasnt asked anything when I got home. I did sms him to say that I had to stay longer for recovery, and he said he would fix dinner.

thank you all for all your thoughts. I am clear. no cancer. no nasties. (happy)


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovin,

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear lovin, hope your OW is eaten in the zoo

But seriously, I hope you are celebrating properly.

Lost, So relieved for you. What good news.

((TRIBE))

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am clear. no cancer. no nasties

Great news, LH. Now you sit yourself down for the rest of what's left of this evening and pick up a good book, spoil yourself and enjoy your good news.
(((LH)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great news, LostH!!!

Now do like FNF said and pamper yourself, you deserve it.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually don't like to post when I'm feeling the way I am today but I thought maybe someone can help me to look at something a little differently because I'm feeling a little down today.
I went with my Mom to visit a family relative who is 93 years old. I've never met her before because she just recently moved into our area. Anyway, she is very alert, perky and self-sufficient. During the course of our visit, I casually asked her about her H who died just a few years ago. She looked at me and her whole mood changed and she said, "he was a louse." Both my Mom and I were so shocked and then she proceeded to tell us that he had been unfaithful to her during their M and had at least 3 A's that she knew of. She told us how one of the OW had contacted her and how her friends knew and tried to protect her. I have not been able to kick the depression I have felt since Tuesday (the day of our visit). She told us that her H died of Alzheimer's and that for the last years of his life she took care of him on her own and never considered sending him to a facility which deals with this disease.
I keep thinking that here is this energetic, personable woman of 93 who still, after her H's death, is bitter and hurt and never really forgave him (her words) for what he did to her. She stayed with him because she didn't want to suffer financially and because she didn't want one of these women coming into the picture and taking from her what was rightfully hers.
I keep asking myself why this is so upsetting to me. She made a practical choice based on her personal situation and needs at the time but she sounded as if she never fully came to terms with her choice.
I guess I have this fear that one day I may have regrets but how can any of us ever know?
I don't want to be a downer but I was just hoping someone could put another spin on this. I just can't seem to snap out of this low I'm in. I don't often get like this, especially when my H and I are in a good place. I guess this just brought all my fears to the surface.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Fnf))))

I knew there was a reason you have been a bit quiet.

She made a practical choice based on her personal situation and needs at the time but she sounded as if she never fully came to terms with her choice.
I guess I have this fear that one day I may have regrets but how can any of us ever know?

Well I am just going to shoot in the dark here, Fnf.

First off, you are NOT this woman. Her choice is NOt yours. You chose to stay to work on your M, and your H knows this fully well. You have him with you, working together (mostly
). You are not just staying because you feel you have no option, like this poor woman did. You know, and your H knows, that if you reach your limit, you would end this M,and still find happiness in other aspects of your life, rather than enduring a painful, damaging M.

But underlying it all though, is the fear which I suspect alot of us have, is that we might have regrets oneday.No one wants to end up a bitter person....which is why what BT and others further along here stress...we have to work on building ourselves, and not let our H or our M,define us.

And if we do this, maybe oneday if we do have a regret about the M or R, it would bring a little sadness or wistfulness (sp?), but not bitterness, or God forbid, hatred.

Thinking of you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

especially when my H and I are in a good place

There is your answer. Really, not to be a smart alec but she feels the way she does because she never had a remorseful H (that is what I am assuming). From her statement, I would assume that he was a selfish bastard to the end and she put up with it because her choices were very limited. Imagine how bitter that would make you.

You, my dear, have a remorseful H and a host of options. You will not be backed into a corner of living with the devil so you don't starve. Don't be down be thankful.

Did that help?

ETA: Lost beat me to it! So what she said..

Lost - I am so glad there weren't any complications. You must be so relieved.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:37 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good one Shirley!

To go on...Fnf, if you have to think it through, what regret do you think you might have oneday?

Not trying position no#1342???

Not filling OW's gas tank with ...arrgghh cant think of something clever.

Help Shirley!
Not


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my greatest regret would be to give up and then watch my H turn into the wonderful person that I just know is inside the broken hurt person.

I can't imagine the pain standing at my daughters' weddings and seeing him healed and wonderful and not being with him.

I am willing to sacrifice years of my life to make sure that doesn't happen. If he doesn't change, I can always leave. If he does change, I will know this was all worth it.

And I haven't tried position #1342 yet either!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, you wont believe how relieved I am! I asked the radiographer to confirm it 3 times.You know how it is..epxecting the worse.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shirley)))

(pssst. there is no #1342 position. I made it up,,but dont tell Fnf)


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOOHOO LH!!!!!!

I am so relieved for you.

I am just feeling 'off' toda. Not sure why. Just sad that I have to live through all of this. I hate everything about LTAs.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


LTA Tribe,

Under no circumstances try position 1342!!! I understand it can require a team of paramedics to untangle that left leg...

Seriously, go up in the thread and read the NYT article about regrets. It's really had me thinking for the past few days that regrets are what you make of them.

LH-so glad to hear your results were good. I'll be curious to hear how you like the Mirena. My doctor recommends it highly but since I had horrible pregnancies, I'm nervous about anything that plays with my hormones.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1477 | Registered: Feb 2007
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