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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay- let's try this again.

FNF- that is a beautiful song- thanks for sharing it.

There is so much wisdom and insight going on, and I have nothing to contribute, so I'll give you another song. This has become my mantra when I feel myself shutting down emotionally and wanting to hide under the blankets in my bed and never get up. Maybe it will help out up2me, who seems to be having a rough time right now.

Anyway
by Martina Mcbride


You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a momemt they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway



me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized in this past month that I can no longer hold onto this grudge against him- that I am finally setting myself free to love him again. And it feels really, really scary.

HB - Thank you for your beautiful post. The quote above is something that I've been thinking about too and it is so scary to let go and trust again. I've been close and then my H will do something or say something so hurtful or stupid and I retreat and it takes a few months before I feel up to this again but your post gives us hope. I'm just a few months behind you so maybe I'm closer than I think.
I can set it aside when I go to work, get busy and stop thinking about it for awhile. I live for those moments.

HBH - This is what I'm talking about - living for those moments that are ours to treasure and enjoy. You know, a seize-the-day kind of philosophy. That's what I'm doing more and more in my life and it's working.
However all wasnt bad. I did learn some very good things about myself (bedroom speaking ) and about sex in itself. I am ashamed how naive I was before, but no more.

Well there you go again, LH, getting my curiosity going. I did buy a few books and, occasionally when I'm not in one of my moods, I open them up and give something new a try but I haven't done that in a while so now I guess I have a new challenge for my seize-the-day outlook.
And I drowned.

LH, you're not drowning now. As a matter of fact, the way I see it, you're swimming like a champion.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Unable I absolutely love this song. I saw her sing this in concert and if you ever have the opportunity to see her perform do everything you can to get there. I have this CD in my car and play it often. People driving by must think I'm a crazy lady behind the wheel because I am belting out this song with all that I have. It is beautiful!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1FdB5Adws78
For anyone who hasn't heard this song here's the link.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF –

I am so glad you are feeling better today. It is an interesting phenomenon when this happens - you know, we have such a devastating blow and then by some miracle find ourselves enjoying moments with friends and family. I think it must be similar to that concept of compartmentalization. I don't know if you feel this way but when I am with my H or alone I tend to obsess over what he has done to me

Interestingly enough, I do seem to do so much better when I am not with him. It seems as if I *can* compartmentalize off what he did and enjoy the rest of my life – my kids, my friends, my activities. He has been in Europe since Tues pm and I seem to be better. When he is around I find myself either obsessing about what he did or looking at him and realizing that I do not *worship* him anymore. I see all of him, warts and all, and I wonder if I will ever be attracted to him again.

I still live with a deep, inner sadness now that I know what my H was able to do to me and my children. Like yours, he admitted that he didn't think about me or the children - he only cared about what he wanted. He admits to feeling "entitled" to this and gave us very little thought. When he admitted this I had the very strong feeling that he didn't understand just how awful this admission was. I was horrified to learn that this was the kind of man I was married to and even more horrified that I was so blind to his extreme selfishness.

Yes, fnf, I am horrified that I didn’t recognize the depth of his selfishness. I never would have thought that he would just throw the kids and me under the bus. But, he did. He admits it. To his credit, I believe he is horrified by what he was capable of. I honestly believe that he doesn’t want to be that person anymore. He has to do the work to find out if that is possible.

There is a beautiful song by my favorite singer (here I go again ) Martina McBride

Remind me again, do you like Martina McBride?

I think this is what you were doing with your children, playing in the yard, laughing, enjoying the feelings of love and tenderness that is the gift of motherhood. We cannot allow their selfishness to steal these moments from us.

This is our gift. We made the sacrifices for them and they are repaying us every day with their love and laughter. This is also the price the WS pays. My H cannot look at the kids the same way I can. I know when he hugs them and sees them laughing it is bittersweet over how much he has missed and what he has put at stake.

FNF – thank you for your wonderful post. As you can tell I enjoyed it immensely - I basically quoted the entire thing!

Hey Lost Heart –

However all wasnt bad. I did learn some very good things about myself (bedroom speaking ) and about sex in itself. I am ashamed how naive I was before, but no more.


Do share!!!!

The books you read have to be more entertaining than the ones I am reading. Can we start an x-rated book rec. list!!! (seriously )

Heartbroken –

But time and time again he came through- the counseling, becoming less and less selfish, and being open to all my pain and hurt. I just realized in this past month that I can no longer hold onto this grudge against him- that I am finally setting myself free to love him again.

Your dday was 2005!!! I am so glad that you are coming to this place but it also lays a roadmap of how far I have to go. But thank you for letting us know that at least it is possible.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remind me again, do you like Martina McBride?


OMG - how embarrassing. I swear I've never been a groupie but I could proudly be president of that woman's fan club.
As my girls would say, "what a dork."


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I have learned anything from this experience, it is to enjoy what you like and fuck what anybody else has to say about it.

And, I bet you ten to one they do not think you are a dork unless, of course, you sing it out loud in front of friends or, worse yet, dance to it if you hear it in the mall!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - I want some book titles dammit! H is back from Germany tonight and I think I may break the "dry spell" I imposed months ago when I was going into my dark place.

Brooke gave me the green light to "use" him so I want some ideas!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is back from Germany tonight and I think I may break the "dry spell" I imposed months ago when I was going into my dark place.

You go Shirl - it's a seize the day opportunity. We'll get that book list to you by tomorrow - too late now to contact Amazon. Besides, I'm betting you won't need a whole lot of help - dry spells tend to bring out the animal in all of us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dry spells tend to bring out the animal in all of us.

LOL... Good one FNF!

Catching up the tribe's posts. So much wisdom and encouragement... it's really heartening.

I don't know what stage I'm in. It feels like Dday all over again since OW is at FWH's workplace and as I trigger I can't help but ask questions about the A... he did say he has a feeling of hatred when he thinks of her - and what she did to us and our marriage. I can't quote him as I was so surprised at his response.

Thanks for the Martina lyrics. I love her too. I'm not so familiar with the Blessed one, but often enjoy Anyway on the country channel. I should get a CD. Or do some Utube surfing before H gets home.

Take care all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning everyone. Sorry to start on a downer, but I’m in a dashing hurry.

Just quickly picking up my emails to find he’s been on multimap to go to a meeting (“if he lies, he’s lying to himself cos I don’t believe him anyway”) in the town they used to frequent cos of the convenient and nice hotel there. Where they spent her b’day. And countless others. That’s bad enough. But there are myspace windows open at the login page. He says they are pop-ups and has gone off in a strop. Am I looking for things that aren’t there?

Gotta go. Busy day. Parents still here, they go tomorrow.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Shirley.

Sorry I went AWOL.

Hope last night went errr....well.

Shirley, I dont if the others would back me up on this...the first couple of times after dday are VERY VERY emotional. You might find yourself crying either during or after. Dont put pressure on yourself to go experimenting now. Just enjoy finding some intimacy again, finding each other is this way again.

***
HB, thank you for the inspiration.

***
Fnf, I am going to admit that I am not a fan of country music, but this Martine (which I just checked on the youtube link, thanks) seems alright! Very pretty too.

And like Shirley said, who gives a *&%* what others say, you belt away GF! I do.

****

((((LostSoul))))

I so wish your H would change jobs. It must be incredibly tough for you.


****
Hey unable,

This has become my mantra when I feel myself shutting down emotionally and wanting to hide under the blankets in my bed and never get up

Are you ok?

***

Ukg, whatsup?

***
Have a good day LTA Tribe. Have alot on my mind from IC session, and I so wish we could all meet IRL and have a good chinwag. Sigh.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I'm not okay. I'm having a trigger day. Better go and get lunch for the oldies.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning ALL,

Sorry I haven't been around. I don't know if its the weather or XSOW or it's probably a combo of everything.
I work in a high school and the end of the year is fast approaching--- LOTS to do before the end. Added to that is the fact that H and I leave town on my last day, and will be gone more than 2 weeks!!
I am looking forward to going, but would really like to fit in a MC session before we go. H has called and they are going to try and fit us in. He knows that I am having a really rough time dealing with XSOW calling and hanging up!
It worries me that the psycho will find out we are gone and then start calling my house, and upsetting my daughter! . That is why I want some input from our C.... perhaps he may have some ideas that we can use.
Unrelated to everything else is my father. He will be 88 this June, but is increasingly getting weaker. I am afraid of him falling and getting hurt. He actually lives across the street from me, in his own home, and really would like to stay there until he dies. No more nursing homes... and luckily I have found a couple of women to take care of him during the day. He hates when H and I are gone, so it's gonna be hard on him when we are gone for 2 wks. Plus I will need to get others to take care of ALL the things I do... his meds, groceries, and bills, just to name a few!!
My son is almost done with getting his house ready to move into. We have ALL been busy helping him. The most endearing thing about this is watching my son and daughter become even closer than they are. It does a mother good to see.... I know that they watch out for and genuinely like each other. My D can't get away with anything... her brother and about 10 of his buddies all keep an eye on her!!! It makes going away a little easier.
I am sorry to hear that so many are having a rough time. It just seems like it shouldn't have to always be so hard. I wish I had more time to keep up with everyone...
I must get off the computer now. Today is the start of my getting back into the groove!! I am going for a LONG walk and then shopping with my daughter. Tonite H and I are going with friends to the baseball game. YAY!!!
I hope everyone has a good day. Thank-you to each and everyone for always being here for each other. My friends have been so GREAT and I am so thankful for them, as for all of your cocern and wisdom as well..!
You all deserve a PAT on the back... what a wonderful (((TRIBE)))


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Helpless  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LostSoul))))
I so wish your H would change jobs

Thanks LostH but it just won't happen. It's a quite unique business and there's still a few yrs til retirement. Leaves us "stuck between a rock and a hard place". In the meantime I know that I need to learn acceptance (LTA wisdom). Unfortunately, what my head knows and my heart does are two different things.

I'll keep reading. Searching through LTA threads is not easy... any ideas?


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont if the others would back me up on this...the first couple of times after dday are VERY VERY emotional. You might find yourself crying either during or after.

Ugh... I'll back you up here, Lost.

Unable--

(((((((((((((((((((((Big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Miss you. Hope you're doing ok. Don't stay gone so long, k?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LostH but it just won't happen. It's a quite unique business and there's still a few yrs til retirement. Leaves us "stuck between a rock and a hard place". In the meantime I know that I need to learn acceptance (LTA wisdom).

Lostsuol--I really feel for you, because this would suck. It's just like keeping a wound open.

Is it possible for him to do something else? After all...it's just a job. Real life is at home with you.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really hurt very deeply but it is the truth and I would rather make my decisions on the truth than some false fantasy which is what my whole life has been to this point.

When you strip off the veneer of whatever issues there may be, it is the stone cold, brutal truth. They were selfish and didn't give a shit about how the consequences of their actions would affect others, including their children.

I still live with a deep, inner sadness now that I know what my H was able to do to me and my children. Like yours, he admitted that he didn't think about me or the children - he only cared about what he wanted. He admits to feeling "entitled" to this and gave us very little thought. When he admitted this I had the very strong feeling that he didn't understand just how awful this admission was. I was horrified to learn that this was the kind of man I was married to and even more horrified that I was so blind to his extreme selfishness.

I KWYM.

I dont if the others would back me up on this...the first couple of times after dday are VERY VERY emotional. You might find yourself crying either during or after.

The first time, I was more horrified with myself for even wanting him to ever touch me again. Then I adopted Brooke's "use him" attitude. I figured he had his fun, now it's time for mine. H then informed me, "I don't want to just have sex. Not with you. I want make love to you." Puh-lease. For some reason, the real emotional crying stuff seems to be happening lately about a year and a half out.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H hates to even go to MC because he doesn't want to think about the past. Hurts too much. Oh, poor baby!!!

Funny, how they didn't think about that more while they were creating that now painful past. What ashame!

Am I looking for things that aren’t there?

It's so hard not to do that now. I don't blame you at all for having your guard up. I would be wary.

Better go and get lunch for the oldies.

ETA: Good thoughts to all. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 11:36 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Searching through LTA threads is not easy... any ideas?

LostSoul, sorry Sweetie, but I just dont have a clue. Maybe someone else has some ideas for LostS?

((((LostS))))

****

The first time, I was more horrified with myself for even wanting him to ever touch me again

Yeah, I did that to myself for a long time too. I would be absolutely disgusted with myself, and then would do it again. Sometimes even now, but nowhere near how it was before.
It does get better.

****

Ok, so no-one responded to my challenge of a bonding game ( ), I am going for it.

Tribe, in the light of Fnf's country music passion, lets reveal our inner dorkiness.
Come on, tell us things that you will never admit for fear of being called a dork.
And to show my faith in you all, I will go first.

LH's Inner Dorkiness:
I love Abba and BeeGees and The Carpenters music (I know the words too!!). And I absolutely wanted to be Laura from Little House on the Prairie.I even wore pigtails like her.

Come on Tribe! Go Dorky!Go Dorky!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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