You have a PM
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
While our M had been rocky from the get-go, I have always loved my H. Maybe even too much at times. I won't blame our troubled M for my choices. I think a slew of life changes hit me at once and in the confusion, I lost myself and let my priorities spin totally out of control.
In June 2006 I gave birth to our second child. A month later, I was fired from the job I had held for 5 years. In losing the job, I lost my female social network. By the time the baby was 5 weeks old, I was working a different shift, at a different place, in a totally different professional field. By the time the baby was 8 weeks old, I was enrolled in college to pursue a degree in this new field. After another month, I found another new job making more money and left the first job. Two months later I transferred within that organization to yet another new building and title.
And during all of this, I had a major falling out with my mother and we didn't speak for months.
After that tumultuous 6-month period, which was also filled with a good dose of PPD, life finally settled down a bit. I met new friends and started to have an active social life. More active, in fact, than it had been in years. I was happier, and I thought things were going to be fine.
However, during all of those life transitions, I pretty much left my H in the dust. I didn't ask for his help or his input--I just did what I needed to do to get by. I never knew how much he resented being left out of all the decisions I was making. The disconnect started there, and it became a million times worse when I started working full-time second shift. We never saw each other, and if we did, we had enough time to talk about the kids or the bills.
But still, I thought we were fine. I emailed an old male college buddy and invited H and myself to his & his GF's house for a bonfire one night. I thought it would be great for the four of us to be friends, so we could get out and do things with other couples.
There was chemistry in college with the old friend, but it was never acted upon. All it took was a well-timed compliment, and the slippery slope turned into a freaking slip & slide.
So the short answer as to why I did it? Having gone through a ton of personal upheaval in my life, I convinced myself that I deserved the attention and recognition. I had earned it after all the sacrifices I had made for my family.
Totally messed up thought process, but I'm grateful that I've been able to deal with it to ensure that it won't EVER happen again.
[This message edited by JandAandE at 12:44 PM, March 14th (Wednesday)]
It is however clear to me what motivated me in my infidelities. I liked seducing those men, just being able to take what I wanted whenever I wanted it. My first sexual experience involved seducing a much older man, and although I was not experienced enough to know that what I was doing would very likely end in sex, it is now clear to me that I very much enjoyed being able to disquiet him, to make him react. I knew that what I was doing was bad, shocking perhaps, but I really didn't know enough at that time to see it as any worse than pinching cookies. Several years and several more men later, I started to have misgivings about my compulsions and what they might mean, but I was able to compartmentalize these away and continue.
My husband's love for me was deep and enduring, and our desire for each other never flagged, but he was secure with me, everything he did was because he wanted to, or we wanted to, but not because I made him lose control or feel uncertain. And I think now that I truly wanted that strength and confidence to respect and rely on in a husband, but that I still missed that thrill that seducing brought me. Our marriage was always a thing shared, and I wanted something of my own.
I now often wonder if I was drawn to my husband because I thought that he could save me, repair me. If so, it was obviously the worst kind of foolishness.
dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)
My only excuse is that essentially I am insecure. I too basked in female attention when I was younger and still do. It is not an excuse for what I did. Despite seeking and getting female attention for most of my life, I have always been insecure in relation to any attractiveness I may have. For some reason, it is very important to me to be considered physically attractive. Too important. I have also suffered from bouts of depression at times in my life - my father's affair, my break ups.
Not once in my life did I ever pursue a woman. I was too afraid of rejection. I was lucky enough that I was approached. Not once in my life did I ever end a relationship I was in. Even the AP ended the relationship.
I knew the A. was wrong. It is not an excuse but I became addicted to it.I had a choice initially and failed. The AP made me feel wanted and alive. My wife has always complimented me but that wasn't enough for me. AP's advances tempted me and I was too weak.
I firmly believe in the dopamine surge. That is not an excuse but it does make doing the right thing more difficult once the A. has started. It became an addiction to me. I needed it just to stay in the now.
I am getting IC for my problems.
At the time, I was trying to punish myself. The OM I chose was an abusive ex. I knew that I was going to be abused by him again. I blamed myself for not being enough for H. I wanted to be hurt. I was planning to hurt OM for things he had done in the past, that the police never did anything about. I was trying to be a bad person, and I don't know if I even deserve forgiveness for that. That's why it astonishes me that H forgave me.
The betrayal lasted four days. I sent fishing/sexual emails to OM to set him up. When the day came, I finally looked in the mirror and realized that I was missing H so much, my heart was breaking, and by doing this I would be spitting on everything he and I had been doing together. I would be insulting every time he believed in me to walk away and be stronger than that abusive OM.
So when OM showed up, I didn't get in the car. I didn't cross the final line. And the whole time, I was thinking of H. Then I went inside, lay down on the floor, and told myself I would mourn H and what we had forever if I could just not taint it anymore. That night H called me, fully within his episode, cursing at me, saying he had cheated on me again, saying he hated my guts. The next day, he got the proper meds and couldn't even remember breaking up with me. A couple of days after that was Valentine's Day. Two days after Valentine's Day I told him what I had done. I waited because I wanted to know he was stable before I told him. Schizophrenic episodes are NOTHING to joke about, and I don't mean for people on the outside. It is heartbreaking to see how lost and hurt and miserable H is whenever he goes through one.
I didn't expect him to forgive me. In fact, I think I even told him I didn't deserve it. But his first question was, did OM hurt me anymore? Was I safe? I think that made me cry.
I have better options than either cheating or self-harm (I chose these options in reverse order earlier, when I was still with OM. First a trip to the mental ward for wanting to jump off a particular bridge, then a ONS following an eventful morning when OM wanted to use my car to keep cheating on me - both the wrong options to choose). I've been in therapy since the month I met H. Thank goodness, I have a better therapist now, and we're working on my mental illness issues. I come here to work on my choices. Glad to be here.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Lots of FOO issues, but it boils down to wanting to destroy my wife to make myself feel like more of a man. "I'll show that bitch" It is a wonder and miracle that my wife is still here working hard. It makes me feel so ashamed at times, but that serves no purpose. I am no longer THAT man.
Selfish, childish, cowardly. I have no other words for my behavior.
I have a lot of work to do. I'd like to explore why I am such a conflict avoider! I didn't want to deal with the issues in marriage so bad that I compromised my morals! I just don't understand! Okay, I'm done!
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad
after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
I am a worthless whore and skank and deserve all of the bad in my life.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:36 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
The process took years from to get from watching porn here and there to a actual affair.
My medium of choice was the sugar daddy/baby lifestyle.
I am currently 2 days no contact! Nobody knows except SI.com and the women I've been involved with.
[This message edited by suspended at 6:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]