Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have been and am telling him those exact statements but the problem is, I guess,...ME. I say all of that and then he just "drops by" to see how we're doing or just "calls to check in" and I don't cut the conversation short.
What is wrong with me? I know that I need to make my boundary very clear but I seem to want him to "get it" by me just preaching and preaching to him...The very real action of cutting him out of our life until he starts to "get it" on his own seems to be too hard a step for me to take.
I know he doesn't love her or even want to be with her in a real relationship. But that doesn't take away from the FACT that every ounce of energy he gives to her is taking away from the energy he should be putting into OUR issues. So clear yet so difficult to get through...
I am in the EA only group - the OW in my case was 1300 miles away the entire affair. She was pressuring him to meet her at a nearby city while she was between flights and this is the point where WH ended it or it might have become a PA.
However, I can honestly say I do not think that would have made it any more hurtful than it already was. The sheer volume and content of their communication over the 3 month EA was already overwhelming and beyond painful.
The one thing I can be thankful for is that my WH realized that this WAS indeed an affair. He knew this from beginning.
And yes, I had false R for 2.5 months - and a broken NC after that. That caused more damage I think than the affair itself.
So, here I am. My whole story is in my profile.
Anyhow, I think an EA can be just as much if not MORE damaging than a PA (especially if the PA is a one night stand vs. an EA which is typically a deeper connection).
My thoughts are will you. This is a painful time. Take care and hang in there. Sending hugs.....
How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs.
Count me in. False R went on for a year. FWH didn't seem to get that ANY contact he had with her was wrong.
He seemed to think phone calls & texts were harmless.
[This message edited by justfriends at 9:42 AM, April 11th (Friday)]
It hurts like a son of a b*tch. I would have rather suffered a near death injury.
The time invested in the EA does an incredible amount of damage to the marriage.
Sorry to remind folks here that kissing even a little in the A, makes it a PA as well.
Peace to you all.
"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg
Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...
how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?
I started to feel a little better when they were working opposite shifts. But then we've had incidents such as last April when I picked him up from work. He came out one of the enrances near where she works. He gave me some story about how she wasn't even there, although he was supposedly in the other half of ER, not where she works. He said he went by to check that she wasn't there because he knew I'd be upset. HUH? So if he wasn't going to be near her desk anyway, why go all that way? It made no sense.
And I now know that she's been picking up overtime on his shift. He never mentions it, of course, although there's no doubt he sees her.
On the other hand, I've got some outside verification he's barely on her radar anymore. Unfortunately, he has lied to me so often over the years that his word just doesn't do it anymore.
[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 1:14 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]
I am constantly looking for clues. I can't stop. Haven't found anything in over a month, but my trust in him is so broken, I can't stop thinking that they just went further underground.
I can't understand, that if "nothing" happened why OW is more important than the respect he should have for me.
How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs. WS going back to his EA partner. I recently found out I did. More details in a while.
We've had that. Several times, really. He told me he got rid of the secret e-mail account. I trusted him absolutely, forgave all, and in my mind and heart it was truly over. 18 months later, I found the second one.
He led me to believe he'd quit communicating with her by removing her from that account. He gave me the pw and told me in front of the MC that NOW I KNEW EVERYTHING, he was an OPEN BOOK.
Come to find out, he just switched her over to his work account.
Supposedly he's been nc with her since August 06, but how in the world am I ever supposed to trust after that? Especially when he's made it clear he will not open his work account to me. And the twice I've pushed, it turns out he DOES get personal mail there which he doesn't forward to me as promised. He just shrugs that off with various excuses. But I'm supposed to just blindly trust that she isn't among them, ever.