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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy. Is this the same bird at the party thingy a couple of months ago? Or was it Christmas? I don’t remember. But it was when you decided to get togged up in your glad rags and go with him. That woman. Is it her?

Is she D’d, single or what? Why does he want clandestine chats with her if there’s nothing in it? Well, if you have MC this week, I’d say wait a bit, carry on watching and snooping and take it with you to confront him there. At least the MC can act as the intermediary and control the anger (if there is any). When can you make a MC appt?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve been texting with #1son who’s skint (he's in Australia). So I offered to send over some money. Oh, and Dad’s getting a new car – a Freelander. He asked for a second time what type of car, so I said metallic black Freelander. He had read it as “freeloader”, so I said “you are!!!”

Love him to bits tho! My smile moment of the day.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:18 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love when we have text "misquotes". DD now sends me "65" if she means OK because she never remembers to turn her phone back to text.

And no, this is an old old one, married, lives 600 miles away.

No, I get a double dose of anger if I "blindside" him at MC. We're supposed to be able to talk about these things now, you know.

SO, I decided when he calls to say he's on the way home, I'll tell him I have a riddle for him:

"What has Mr. Weepy done in the last 24 hours that can be construed as detrimental to an "open, not lying, not hiding anything anymore" relationship?"

See what he comes up with.

I know he called her from the car because I came up and sat with him while he phoned her sister. So what? is what I want to know!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I am at a loss for words. I cannot imagine why he would not know by now that "private" secret phone calls create more problems than by asking you if you would mind if he made the call and then inviting you to be in the room with you when he did. I would be livid if I found out something like this.
Even if it is the most innocent of calls, why the secrecy? The conflict avoider mentality is what got them into trouble initially - WTF has he learned if not that this behavior creates more problems than not.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I'm not sure about the message you want to leave - he seems to resent these. Would you consider just waiting for him to get home and then sitting down with him and letting him know you are upset and then tell him why? Giving him time to build his defenses might just precipitate a negative outcome.
(((Weepy)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:05 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the Dr. Phil saying "He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing"?

It was rebellion, pure and simple. I sat in on his phone call to her sister, therefore he's going to make sure I don't sit in on his call to her.

I've decided I'll just text him later and tell him I'm upset with him and we'll discuss what when he gets home. It doesn't matter how I handle it, he'll feel it's an attack, that's just how he is. I can be as sweet as honey and he'll still react that way.

So maybe I'll call MC and tell her he did something stupid yesterday and since she knows how sensitive he is, maybe she can suggest a way to approach him.

Its just that if it takes a couple days to get that done, then he'll be all "why did you wait so long to tell me.

SO he'll know I'm upset and I just have to tell him he's right and unless he's a total ignoramous, he'll know why. No I won't use that, but I just feel it's important HE sees what he did wrong, that he figures this out.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn’t misspell, he misread - that’s dyslexia for you!

If you can’t confront him with it because he’ll get angry (always a sign of a guilty conscience), how about if you tell him the general subject matter (secret contacts) and that it should be discussed at MC. There are things you know he has done and that you will not talk about it beforehand b/c you KNOW how he’s going to react. And that MC would be the best forum.

Won’t a “riddle” just wind him up? Or is that your intention?

What you really want to know is WHY is he contacting her and WHY is he keeping it from you and if he’s keeping it from you because he KNOWS you won’t like it, WHY is he still choosing to contact her? I think you are permitted to wave several large red flags in front of him and a great big STOP sign.

ETA, I was writing while you were posting weepy! The Dr Phil quote is right. If you want to tackle it tonight, maybe you should just say there is something you need to discuss rather than something you are upset about. And yeh, ring your MC firstly for her slant on it and secondly for an urgent appt.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:28 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are permitted to wave several large red flags in front of him and a great big STOP sign.

Weepy - unacceptable. Not even close to being okay. So let's turnn this around. Rather than getting emotional and drawing him out and asking why he called, why don't you try a different tact. Very calmly tell him that you know he called the Ex-GF, that you know he did not tell you which is either secrecy or withholding (doesn't matter) and both of these actions are clear violation of YOUR boundaries.

If he doesn't want to discuss it further or gets angry, explain that he obviously does not understand that you have boundaries that he cannot violate in the relationship and you will discuss it more at MC where SHE can explain it further to him.

What do you think?


ETA: quick, everybody STOP posting. We are on page 50 and I am really digging the spa theme. If we go to LTA XI today, I'm getting in early to guarantee a bathrobe!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 10:51 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New theme idea....

Not another one so soon!! I like it in here! But if we have to go, can we have a cruise liner next? I get travel sick, but if I can cope with the choppy waters of this LTA I know I’ll be fine on one of those smaller liners in the Caribbean. The sun deck. The loungers. Those nice stewards all dressed in white, bringing us cocktails while we “take the air”. Then there’s the casino (maybe James Bond mingling, martini in hand), wonderfully expensive shops selling only designer stuff and occasional trips to shores with white beaches and delicious market stalls and relaxing al fresco lunches. And Shirley, I’m sure there will be treatment rooms, probably with a hairdressers too.

Can I book it??


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as we don't get kidnapped by pirates like that french ship. Ummmm... unless the pirates look like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in which case - kidnap away!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I am with Fnf and Shirley. Just ask him outright, in a non-threatening manner.
IMHO, our Hs have no business talking to women (non work related) on the phone, ESP in private.

He is too far in the R game to NOT know that this is unacceptable. He knows it. So I am curious what his response is going to be.

***
Ukg, some of what you say is true. H turned out to be quite traditional in his thinking, even though he made himself to be the total opposite (one of the reasons I was attracted to him).

I just dunno whats going on in his mind these days. He doesnt even know. I think he is pretty confused about alot of things. Fnf, I wish I could meet with his IC and get her take on him...but thats not practiced here.Crap. I wish someone would come out and say, "Your H is/is not committed to you and the kids. He will/will not hurt you ever again."...and then I will know my next move.

I dont think he wants to lose us. I dont think he wants to look too deep inside himself and make those deep changes either. Heck, who of us wants to look at our crap. I dont...but I know I MUST, if I want a better life.

I do wish we were on the same team, like BT said.But we are not..not yet anyway. Whilst he holds contempt and disdain for me, whilst I hold fear and disrespect for him...how can we?

****
(((((LTATribe)))))
Hope its quiet here because everyone is doing well.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, LostH. There lies your labyrinth. One upbringing, two cultures. Oil and water. Chalk and cheese. Black and white and too many shades of grey. (Oh God, I’m going into FWH poetic mode ….SLAP ME) But you kwim.

No, he doesn’t want to lose you, or his family. You have done nothing wrong and have been a lovely wife and mother to his children. You are caring and compassionate. You want your marriage to work. You have enough love to stay and try. To lose you would reflect badly upon him, and he must know this. If you were a first class bitch from hell, neglectful of him, horrid to your children and spiteful to his family that would be different. But no matter how badly he has behaved, you are the one holding the high moral ground and he is grovelling in the dirt. Repeatedly. And he doesn’t like it. His behaviour towards you shows it – the guilty party has been pointed out.

So, he has to change. He has to make himself into the man he should be; to be good enough to stand next to you. And he has to be man enough to do it or he is destined to keep repeating the same mistakes. So that’s my opinion. (((((LostH)))))

Okay, stepping off the stage now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK haven't heard back from MC so I'm on my own... just thinking I'll say something like "you know how we discussed in MC last week about not doing our own things and needing to keep the other person informed, no secrets.

Then there will be this long pause and "yes".

"Well, you using a trip to WAWA to cover for a phone call to D kind of violates that agreement, doesn't it? Especially since I've given you over 24 hours and you haven't even told me you made the call."

"What did you have to talk to D about that could not have been said at home in my presence?" If he says "nothing", I'll then ask

"Then why did you do what you did?"

Following up, I hope, with "Do you think making secret phone calls to other women violates our relationship?"

And then take your advice and if he gets angry, defensive or attacks me for snooping, I'll set up an emergency MC session for Friday night.

In the meantime, I'm going to tape our conversation, so she can hear that I'm trying to be reasonable about this.

I love the cruise idea... always wanted to go on one but H gets seasick.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think he wants to look too deep inside himself and make those deep changes either. Heck, who of us wants to look at our crap. I dont...but I know I MUST, if I want a better life.

I agree that most people don't want to do this. However, our Hs are definitely not "most people". They are very, very broken individuals who have the ability to compartmentalize away their lives in a very self-destructive fashion.

As you all know my H was probably the grand poobah of compartmentalizing. How he kept all that shit buried inside without his head exploding, I will never understand. But, he was miserable in his own existence. The IC/change he is undergoing now is for HIMSELF! Does your H understand this? IC is not something he should be doing for you or your marriage. He should not be going every week and talking about the cricket match or whatever just so he can cross IC off his list (check mark: can report back to Lost that I went). He should be doing this to ask himself *WHY* and *HOW* he was able to do what he did and *HOW* can he fix it.

Not pretty stuff confronting the demons inside. Especially when they have to admit to their own complete selfishness. But, at least for my H, he is a happier person for it. Even if we don't make it, he will be a better and happier person. In fact, he will make someone a wonderful husband *now*!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:37 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have done nothing wrong

Alas Ukg, that is not right. I did do many things wrong. If I had been a healthier, stronger person, I wouldnt have endured his behaviour through the years, heck, i wouldnt even have married him. I can admit that now. I loved him too much. I didnt love myself enough.

***
Hey Shirley.
I know your H is doing his work for himself, but dont kid yourself thats all there is to it. A major motivational point is you. He wants to be a better man for you, and the girls too. He wants to be a better hubby for you.He wants to earn that place next to you.
And maybe, he might just pull it off!
We are rooting for whatevers best for you.

Now grab a low fat smmothie and a muesli cookie, and lie down next to Ukg!

***
Weepy, I wish I would put some much thought into my interactions with H!
I would just ask him straight. Why did you call X? Why didnt you tell me? Whats that about? If you are not happy with his explanation, then tell him. I am not comfortable with this, so I think I will bring it up in MC.Lets get her take on this.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So why did you call D from the car on your cell phone? Why didn't you tell me? and What was the secrecy about?

Listen calmly to H's explanation no matter how defensive, angry or accusatory he gets. Don't respond except to say

I'm not comfortable with the secrecy and I'd like to take this up in MC... I'm going to see if she's got an opening for this Friday.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

995 posts Tribe. Almost time to say goodbye to the Spa. See you all in the new digs.

Goodnight and Sweet dreams everyone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the cruise idea... always wanted to go on one but H gets seasick.

Throw him overboard.

The Looove Boat, soon will be making another run...

Can we take Orlando Bloom with us to the next thread?


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been a fucktard for yonks.

I LOVE it, and personally, I think it should be the new LTA thread title.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahoy Mates,

All LTAers report to deck. Cruise leaving soon and you will want a prime deck chair for the view!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd really like to continue in the spa. I need this place more than ever.

I got more 'trickle truth' yesterday. 14 months since DDay and I think FWH has finally realized that he did cheat on me! I just couldn't deal with his avoiding the issue any longer. I found out about the LTA when cleaning out files on our home PC last February and this wkend when searching for software registration docs due to HD crash I found printouts of emails from OW sent last April. Re-reading them made my head spin and my heart sink... and gave me renewed courage to face FWH with questions. I have slept much for 2 nights. Today I confronted him again. Tonight is a "?". I don't know what to expect when he comes home from work.

I hope LTA-XI is available later. Please pray for us.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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