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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am working on trying to understand why I allowed him to treat me with disrespect all those years. Not the As, just general disrespect).
I don't think it has to do with palpable FOO issues all the time Shirley. Alot of times it's the subtle and more insidious messages we get about being a good girl from our families, our society, our religions, etc. We have all played the game of making excuses for our H's in some way. Many of us rationalized his behaviour with crap like:
* He's a caring man.
* He's a good father
* He's had a hard life
* He's not a drunk or a drug addict.
* He doesn't beat me
..... and my favorite
* At least he's not out running around with other women.

We as women have quite a way to go I believe in pulling up our dignity when it comes to men. I think we are still quite conditioned to put up with volumes of bullshit from them because we are conditioned by society in many ways to do so. I believe there are primal things at play here too. That it's in our DNA somehow to ensure we have a man around to provide for us. I realized this somewhere along the line in my healing that I really did hold this as a belief even though I out earn my H and can provide just fine for myself. Anyhow, I'm rambling here Shirl, but I think you get the picture. The question I asked marigold went past FOO issues into this area as well. Examining this for yourself and taking it into a place of personal beliefs you may have never even thought much about, just operated from, is a sobering journey.

SVS hon - good to see you! That ho-bitch from hell has no end to her!!! Just where the hell is that karma bus? Isn't it time to come to her bus stop? Let's all send out a collective though about this tribe! This ho-bitch who has invaded SVSs life needs the smell of burning rubber in her nostrils! We miss ya sweetie.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svs, good to "see" you too. We're all still in your corner hon.

this is the strongest and, I think, happiest, Weepy I have seen since I started lurking on SI 7 months ago. You go girl...stick with whatever you are doing 'cause you seem to be in a groove.

And then we hit bottom again. H is being his stupid passive/agressive self and I have no tolerance for it today. He slept on the couch because "he didn't have one back pain while sleeping at the mountain house, but one night in our bed and he feels like a cripple again." Makes me wonder if it's really the bed....

Says he slept great on the couch in the living room. Yeah, I heard him snoring all night while I laid awake just jonsing for some physical contact with him. He'd been away for 4 days. WE haven't had sex in 2 weeks and he's fine with sleeping on the couch until
"we decide" what to do about the bed.

I told him sleeping apart was not ok by me, so he offered to sleep on the pullout in the LR with me. I told him sleeping apart wasn't the only issue and he said "oh".

Raining today so he's hanging about, just ran to the bank and he'll be back then he has a physical for the new job a little later this morning. I'm going to go up and shred some stuff and take my frustrations out.

Sorry to disappoint you shirley.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..... and my favorite
* At least he's not out running around with other women.

Yes, indeed, that was the "fail-safe" assumption that allowed patience and tolerance for all his other behavior issues.

When that "security deposit" of fidelity was withdrawn and canceled, I had to take a hard, long look at what was really on the line for me in this marriage.
Was I in it now because I was "supposed to be?" Because I had no other options?.....when I knew better, but was conditioned to believe being a "good" wife" meant silent suffering.

The most recent MC (who is now our former MC for complete ineptness and ignorance of LTA's) once asked me in a private session why I had tolerated his distancing and non-involvement for so long? The miserable part of that question was that I honestly had no answer, other than I had just assumed that nothing in life or marriage is perfect and also because I was more than capable of covering my bases as well as his, had developed that skill into an art-form.....because, just like in cowgirl's list above, he wasn't plagued with other intolerables....AND....at least with all his warts, HE WAS FAITHFUL.

For us to ever begin anew, he had/has to come up to speed in a way that balances our mutual efforts. I don't expect him to become someone he isn't, but I require now that he has to be the best version of self he can be.

Otherwise I will be repeating the "accommodating" of the past.

svs, Sorry about your recant loss.....
and sorry about the OW slut still invading your life.
There had better be a special hideous hell for human waste like her.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, I forgot to comment on your bank analogy yesterday...VERY nice. That's it exactly.

And...

When that "security deposit" of fidelity was withdrawn and canceled, I had to take a hard, long look at what was really on the line for me in this marriage.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

once asked me in a private session why I had tolerated his distancing and non-involvement for so long? The miserable part of that question was that I honestly had no answer, other than I had just assumed that nothing in life or marriage is perfect and also because I was more than capable of covering my bases as well as his, had developed that skill into an art-form.....because, just like in cowgirl's list above, he wasn't plagued with other intolerables....AND....at least with all his warts, HE WAS FAITHFUL.

Yep, just figured we'd hit a slump, just like in life. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down and this felt like an extended down. And his alter ego was always there with the "it's not you, it's me" blather that I bought because he sounded so damn reasonable... work, fight with parents, siblings, kid pressures, money pressures, my job pressures.

Hey, maybe that's why the card didn't bowl me over like it should have... it's the same old, same old. It's not you, it's me, but damned if I'm going to do anything about it, so just get used to it and love me anyway.

Right at the height of his A time, I had a boss from hell. I'd come home and tell him what new means of torture this guy had for me that day and H would say "why don't you tell him to go to hell, he shouldn't be treating you that way." I didn't see the irony. He made it "sound" like he was on my side. When in reality, he wanted me tied down to that job and knew I wouldn't tell my boss to go to hell.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea! or Crap! He got the sales job. Haven't decided how I feel yet.

Yea, no more beating up his old body, no more worry about him getting hurt on the job, better pay (if he's good at it). He said I could help him with the work he needs to do from home, so I'll be involved and know where he is when.

Crap! Flexible schedule, late hours, weekends, new pressures on him (quotas), new people to worry about, in home sales presentations with God knows who, sales conventions, lunches, dinners. No new expenditures because I'm out of work and he's newly employed (good bye new car).

I'm already freaking out today, not sure I even want to think about how I feel. I offered him congratulations and the "I knew they were going to hire you, you're good at what you do" ego stroke.

Please let this be a good thing!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I rebuild a life with a man I don’t respect…

Morning all!! Haven't posted in awhile. No reason, just nothing to say. BUT....while we are sort of on the subject of respect.......

HurtS I totally feel what you are saying. I am struggling with this question right now also. Meeting with MC tomorrow myself because I am at a place where I don't know if I can/will ever trust or respect H again.

After saying this MC suggested he needs to meet with us individually. I know he wants to feel me out on where I am going(or staying). I don't know. At this point I know I can't be with someone I don't trust and I think respect is crucial in a marriage. I also know I shouldn't make any quick decisions at this point. But it has been over a year. Is this a quick decision? Is he ever going to give me a reason to trust him? I think I am at a point where I need to get off the fence. Decide what I really want and face the question can I get it from him? At some point doesn't giving it time just where out? How can I ever respect a H that has treated me with such disrespect for so long?


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I ever respect a H that has treated me with such disrespect for so long?

Yeah, what HBH said and also HS , why did i allow him to.
I'm wondering to myself lately about the love thing, do i truly love him, could i have ever really loved such a creature as he was. I wonder what happened to me along the way because whoever i am now, this woman would never have loved him, hell, i wouldn't have even liked him. Who i am now wouldn't have been able to stand being around him for 5 minutes never mind years. Who i am now would have been able to see right through him.
I wonder what this means. Has this changed me or did being with him change me? Wish i had all these damn answers, i'm so tired of trying to figure out both him and me and us. I wonder most of all if this is just a complete and utter waste of time. Like OTC said, i made excuses and rationalized his behaviour, family, society or conditioning, sure i agree but excuse my language, this scares the fucking shit out of me! What if this is what i'm doing now? Trying to understand his FOO issues,understand his self esteem issues, trying to understand his fear, understand all this and searching for the whys of it all. All the working, the reading, the talking all that stuff, am i still looking for a way to justify or rationalize his behaviour or him? If i knew this is what i was doing i would hate myself.
I wish i could go back in time and meet that girl who was myself, i'd give her a big smack upside the head. I thank God everyday that my daughter is nothing like that, she is the me i want to be.

Weepy, i'm sorry , you were doing so well, we all had our hopes up for you.

((( )))) for marigold and everyone else struggling today.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gets worse as the day goes on...

Just this horrible bout of jealousy over the "great sex" he had with OW and the pros, whenever, wherever he wanted, entirely his initiative. He WANTED her, wanted them, And I get nothing.

Trying so hard not to fall into that pit of self-pity... it's because I'm not thin enough, sexy enough, slutty enough, that what he gets with me is not the thrilling, great, mindblowing sex he had with her so it's not worth the time and effort for the little he gets out of it? Why did he have to give all those years to her and the porn and now all I get are the crumbs of his old, addled body?

So, it idea is to take the focus off that, find something that WE have that is more fulfilling, more important than just sex, but somehow our son getting a 92 on his Psych midterm just doesn't provide the thrill of his great affair sex where he also got the benefit of sticking it to someone he was pissed at (me).

SO, I try again... he got the job, go to the store and buy him a favorite cake, decorating kit to write CONGRATULATIONS on the top. I get home and I forgot to scan/pack up the decorating kit. Freudian slip?

This the first time in months that I've been on-the-bed-wailing. The last time IC recommended a med change.

I'm doing everything everyone's said I have to do.. refocus, concentrate on me, on my blessings, find something to be grateful for and get off the pity pot.

Guess I'll go take a catharic hot shower or something.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it has to do with palpable FOO issues all the time Shirley. Alot of times it's the subtle and more insidious messages we get about being a good girl from our families, our society, our religions, etc. We have all played the game of making excuses for our H's in some way. Many of us rationalized his behaviour with crap like:
* He's a caring man.
* He's a good father
* He's had a hard life
* He's not a drunk or a drug addict.
* He doesn't beat me
..... and my favorite
* At least he's not out running around with other women.
We as women have quite a way to go I believe in pulling up our dignity when it comes to men. I think we are still quite conditioned to put up with volumes of bullshit from them because we are conditioned by society in many ways to do so.

WORD! The bold ones are the ones that apply to me.

sure i agree but excuse my language, this scares the fucking shit out of me! What if this is what i'm doing now? Trying to understand his FOO issues,understand his self esteem issues, trying to understand his fear, understand all this and searching for the whys [and hows] of it all. All the working, the reading, the talking all that stuff, am i still looking for a way to justify or rationalize his behaviour or him? If i knew this is what i was doing i would hate myself.

mig, you read my mind. I've been thinking about this a lot and losing a lot of sleep about this lately.

I wish i could go back in time and meet that girl who was myself, i'd give her a big smack upside the head. I thank God everyday that my daughter is nothing like that, she is the me i want to be.

Again, likewise.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if this is what i'm doing now? Trying to understand his FOO issues,understand his self esteem issues, trying to understand his fear, understand all this and searching for the whys [and hows] of it all. All the working, the reading, the talking all that stuff, am i still looking for a way to justify or rationalize his behaviour or him? If i knew this is what i was doing i would hate myself.

Ditto. I have that refrain running through my mind almost daily...

What good does it do for ME to understand all this crap, if he doesn't? And what if it is CRAP? How do I know I'm not still making excuses for his behavior? Being the "understanding" wife again? How come I have to take his flaws and inability to deal with conflict or emotions or stress into consideration and be calm, non confrontational and if I'm a basket case like today, he'll just go "what again? still?"

I hate being the smart, competent, mature, compassionate, empathetic creature. I want to be fuckign callous and selfish and uncaring about anyone but me for a change.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it has to do with palpable FOO issues all the time Shirley. Alot of times it's the subtle and more insidious messages we get about being a good girl from our families, our society, our religions, etc. We have all played the game of making excuses for our H's in some way. Many of us rationalized his behaviour with crap like:
* He's a caring man.
* He's a good father
* He's had a hard life
* He's not a drunk or a drug addict.
* He doesn't beat me
..... and my favorite
* At least he's not out running around with other women.

Oh god...so at least I am not the only one that fell into that trap too! I let the fucker go to Europe for 3 months after business school with his 2 best friends because I "knew" he would be faithful. Oddly, during that time he was but I think it was because he was with friends 24/7 and they didn't know about his secret life. Now I am so pissed I let him get away with all the other shit because he was bankrupting the marriage account at the same time (love that analogy).


sure i agree but excuse my language, this scares the fucking shit out of me! What if this is what i'm doing now? Trying to understand his FOO issues,understand his self esteem issues, trying to understand his fear, understand all this and searching for the whys [and hows] of it all. All the working, the reading, the talking all that stuff, am i still looking for a way to justify or rationalize his behaviour or him? If i knew this is what i was doing i would hate myself.

I take this one step further. I told our MC that how foolish would I feel, how much would I hate myself if this *NEW* H turned out to be yet another one of his masks. I go through a couple of years of R, take another chance with him and then, WHAM, find out he is out fucking around again. This is a man who has NEVER been faithful and suddenly he is the fucking virgin mary!! Sorry about the language and the venting but I am just so completely and utterly pissed right now.

UKGirl - it is not the lethal plain of flatness, it is the lethal plain of rage.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops... refreshed the page and lost my post!
SvS My sympathy on the loss of your grandfather. Also, sorry about the Ho's ever-present intrusion in your life. Surely the judge knows she's a deceitful money-grubber by now!
Pg 4 & 5 are so full of insight I have to read them again. Hugs to all {{LTA}}

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how much would I hate myself if this *NEW* H turned out to be yet another one of his masks.

HS, I guess this is the fear behind what i was saying earlier and it seems that a lot of us share that same fear. It's wondering what would happen to us if this was the case knowing that we are barely able to survive somedays now. It scares me so much. Jeeze it even scares me that it scares me so much.
I think i'd go Weepys route except i can't even imagine it.

I hate being the smart, competent, mature, compassionate, empathetic creature. I want to be fuckign callous and selfish and uncaring about anyone but me for a change.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone let me have the boxing gloves and punchbag and let me go some before collapsing in the sauna. And I want some of those fancy monogrammed slippers. Nice here, innit? Sorry I’m late.

How can I move forward with someone that I no longer respect.

I would add “and who has proved himself to be a first class liar and cake-eater”

Respect, along with the trust, has to be earned. They did not realise the value when they threw them away, and now the price has quadrupled. In fact, the interest rate is whatever the banker chooses it to be. The morally bankrupt cannot have an overdraft facility. (Another banking analogy!) It’s very difficult to look to the very person who has done this damage to the BS when they clearly had no respect for their partner.

Many of us rationalized his behaviour with crap like:
* He's a caring man.
* He's a good father
* He's had a hard life
* He's not a drunk or a drug addict.
* He doesn't beat me
..... and my favorite
* At least he's not out running around with other women.

Oh, add me to the list of totally fell for it. My H wouldn’t do that to me, not when he’s seen his bf and his oldest bf (Best Man for both of them) and others suffer the results of not keeping their dicks in their trousers ….. No wonder he wouldn’t cast judgment on other people’s M’s. Fuckwit.

Weepy, hope the job works out for BOTH of you. How about a “horse whisperer” approach. Wear the clothes (but not tarty!), do the walk and the slightly breathless talk, get close, and then just say, “but you don’t want that” in an offhand way and walk off. Do it for long enough and it might feed his curiosity. Just a thought.

UKGirl - it is not the lethal plain of flatness, it is the lethal plain of rage.

I might just have to vent here later. I completely lost it last night at MC. A fireball blasted through me and I was one rabid angry bitch.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:33 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sure i agree but excuse my language, this scares the fucking shit out of me! What if this is what i'm doing now? Trying to understand his FOO issues,understand his self esteem issues, trying to understand his fear, understand all this and searching for the whys [and hows] of it all. All the working, the reading, the talking all that stuff, am i still looking for a way to justify or rationalize his behaviour or him? If i knew this is what i was doing i would hate myself.
Ladies, all I can say here is that there is only one thing you have to figure out about him. He's fucked up! The rest is up to HIM to figure out! Where many of us have gone wrong and continue to go wrong is towing the line for both parties in the M. Dday is grow up day for these WSs! It's time to grow up and tow the line and become a PARTNER, not a passenger in the M. Partnering means there is give and take on both sides. When one slips the other holds. When one slides, the other stands strong. When one hurts the other reaches out with a compassionate hand. I could go on with this, but I think you get the idea. They don't do this overnight because most likely THEY HAVE NO EXPERIENCE IN DOING THIS. They have to learn what it is and how it works. But please don't make the common mistake ladies; YOU ARE NOT THE TEACHER! They learn from other sources and they make the effort to learn because YOU ARE WORTH GETTING THE EDUCATION FOR. I can only say to all of you - STOP TOWING THE LINE! Let them sink or swim. There are no gaurantees in this or absolutes. The only way to safeguard yourself in this process is to go into yourself and work on YOU. Design a self and a life that is just about YOU and if he goes and gets his education and comes back into the M as a well educated, reformed thinker then he will compliment what you have created within yourself. Trying to analyze him, his FOO shit, his motives, blah, blah, blah IS HIS JOB! And it's crazy making for you because you will doubt everything you come up with because we all have chameleons as spouses who we now know can change their color in a heartbeat. There is nothing firm to see and believe in them until time shows us otherwise. And in this time we either see them making the effort to educate themselves or not. When we do see it trust begins to come back in micro amounts. And one other thing about the WS educating themselves - most do it at their pace which in my case is like comparing a snail(him) to a Indy car (me). I can't impose my standards of learning and personal growth and development on him. He is not me and I am not him. Keeping this central in my mind has helped me incredibly in our restoring our M. My H is still working on his education and as much as he hates it, resists it at times and becomes avoidant at times he is still doing it. And we've come far enough for me to see him wrestle with those parts of himself that he kept hidden from me, the world and even himself, to know his conscience operates in a different way now. He is allowing his feelings to come to the surface and is risking rejection and pushback from me versus going underground. These are all very promising signs. Listen, I'm a different person too in so many ways than I was before Dday. Good ways mostly. But one way for sure is I have forever lost my rose colored glasses and my niavety. I now know at a cellular level that I can only count on and depend on ME. I am the only predictable thing in my world. Saying this out loud for the first time was sad and I realized I went through a grieving process of letting go of the person I was who believed people who loved you and committed to that love would not hurt you. But my whole fucking life has been trying to get me to this place and so here I am. And you know what? Now that I'm past the grieving I feel pretty liberated in this knowledge. For the first time in my life I truly feel in control and REAL. OK, getting off the soap box now.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it has to do with palpable FOO issues all the time Shirley. Alot of times it's the subtle and more insidious messages we get about being a good girl from our families, our society, our religions, etc.

OTC - this just hit me. I don't know why I didn't get it the first three times I read it!!! I am firing my ICs ass - you're hired.

Sooooooooo.....do you think growing up the daughter of two depression era parents (I am a "mistake") one of whom was very wealthy (dad) the other was so glad to escape her prior life (father dead at 4, mom not around) that she would never have left him? Oh, I did I mention that I was raised in the South and was a debutante!!!! Shit, I was doomed!!! Met a hockey player from Canada with a rough and tumble background and he took little miss southern belle for the ride of her life. Why do I find this funny or is that the laugh of hysteria??

ETA: sorry OTC and UK...I was writing while you were posting.

OTC - Get back up on that soapbox. We need you there.

UK Girl - Vent away - I need some company in ventland.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 12:50 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bingo Shirl! Now, understanding this is only the first part. Modifying your beliefs and choosing new ones that serve the truth as you see things now is the second part. There is a grieving process in letting these subconscious and inherited beliefs go but replacing them is SO liberating! I wish psycotherapists would realize we are also a product of our greater environment and not be so fucking Freudian!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, this is my MC rant, vent, foaming at the mouth pure fucking rage towards him and where he has put me.

I ran off a copy of the letter I wrote to H back in July 2004 and gave it to our MC a few days ago. We went last night.

One of the lines she picked up on was one where he had accused me of treating him with contempt. I said in the letter that I was exasperated with him, it was nothing to do with contempt. When MC’r asked me what the word contempt meant to me, I said despise was a pretty good parallel. H then said that he knew I wasn’t really treating him in that way and everything the letter was completely justified b/c he had removed himself from us.

Well, I really exploded at him. I was fucking furious. I could have smacked his stupid face. HE was the one at fault and HE tried to make me feel bad. He’s the fucking international traveller and he sent DS2 (who was just turned 17 at the time) to me to help him with his trip to Japan, the passport, the airline, the insurance, the accommodation, the fucking lot. He’s the asshole who thought going to a company conference was MORE IMPORTANT than staying for the reception at his bf’s wedding – he was Best Man for chrissake. He left for the airport after the speeches. I said who’s going to remember you were at the meeting in fucking Germany and who’s going to remember you were NOT at a certain reception? AND YOU DON'T EVEN WORK FOR THAT FUCKING COMPANY ANY MORE, I screamed at him. He shrank into the corner of the sofa. He couldn’t say anything without me biting his head off.

And then the MC’r asked what it was I wanted to hear from him. Off I went again. Well, the truth for a start. He kept going on about how he wasn’t going to leave me, that he asked her to marry him b/c it was all part of the role playing, it wasn’t real and she knew it, he kept going back to her so that he could keep putting off the day he would have to tell me, all the scenarios running through his mind. Yeh, but he kept shagging her too, so it wasn’t that hard. Give me strength. And yes, I do want to hear that he loved her b/c that would be a better reason for him to keep on seeing her, a justifiable excuse for it to go on for five years.

And why did I want him to leave back in Sept 06? B/c then if he came back, I knew it was b/c he loved me and that he was not here by default. MC’r said that she doubted very much if I would be much further on if I had thrown him out and D’d him. It doesn’t work like that, she said. Well, if we got D’d, I could view it like a death. Finished. No going back. As it is he’s still fucking here sitting next to me. Yes, I wish he’d fucking gone.

I accused him of wanting to keep this pretty picture on everything in front of other people. What’s under the picture, she asked. A black hole, a burning black hole. You must not fall into the hole, that would be a very bad place to be. But I can’t see anything else right now. Then you have to let H help me. And why when he is the one who put me there in the first place? That bastard who pushed me off a cliff is now offering me a helping hand back up. Let him help you back up and then you can decide what you want to do to help yourself heal. This next fortnight’s task.

Then we went home and I went into complete meltdown. God, why does it HURT so much? I feel like a five year old, sobbing uncontrollably. And I feel like my heart is literally splitting open and filling my chest cavity with blood.

Oh, fuck. I really can’t be bothered with it all anymore.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I really exploded at him. I was fucking furious. I could have smacked his stupid face. HE was the one at fault and HE tried to make me feel bad. He’s the fucking international traveller and he sent DS2 (who was just turned 17 at the time) to me to help him with his trip to Japan, the passport, the airline, the insurance, the accommodation, the fucking lot. He’s the asshole who thought going to a company conference was MORE IMPORTANT than staying for the reception at his bf’s wedding – he was Best Man for chrissake. He left for the airport after the speeches. I said who’s going to remember you were at the meeting in fucking Germany and who’s going to remember you were NOT at a certain reception? AND YOU DON'T EVEN WORK FOR THAT FUCKING COMPANY ANY MORE, I screamed at him. He shrank into the corner of the sofa. He couldn’t say anything without me biting his head off.

BRAVO!!!!!! <<clapping>>. Let it out girl!

I accused him of wanting to keep this pretty picture on everything in front of other people. What’s under the picture, she asked. A black hole, a burning black hole.

Hold on UK - it is not YOUR burning black hole, it is his. You have all the control now and he is standing at the edge of a black abyss which you can toss him into at any time. He made the situation, he cannot control it from here - you can. If you feel that he is trying just to keep the pretty picture, then change that. Tell some people, let them see him for who he is. Let him see what life will be like for him if the "truth" comes out and he is left without wife, family or reputation. You hold the card....play them. ((UKGirl))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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