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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, this is for those SAHMs who returned to work.
How do you manage?
I am afraid I am going to bust. I love going to work, but I am feeling really overwhelmed with that and the kids and H and house. I am not managing. I started getting these strange feelings in my face about 2 weeks ago..a kind of pins and needles tingling.
And I am having bad dreams almost every night. And I am always so tired. Theres just not enough of me to go around, you know.

LostH-YES, I know!!

I was a SAHM for 14 years before going back last year. It has been hard, but also my savior. Going to work gives me the break I need from my obsessive thoughts. I can work hours and not even think about the A, and all the horrible things H has done to me.

But it is hard to juggle it all. Keep asking for help from H. I had a hard time accepting that help from my H at first. I was still in the "I can do it all myself" mode. At first I didn't think I wanted or needed his help. Now I take it anywhere I can get it.

Just recently hired a housecleaner. Someone to come in once a month and keep the dusting/bathrooms clean. She now comes twice a month and the house is cleaner than I have had it in a long time. I LOVE IT!! Took me awhile to decide I deserved it, but I DO!!!

Part of my, "taking care of me" therapy. Also having bad dreams alot lately. Not sure why or what that is about. We started back with MC after the broken NC and I'm sure both contribute to the dreams.

Midori and SoSad - Welcome! You will find such comfort in knowing there are people here who truely understand how you are feeling. In my case, no one around me knows about our M and coming here and having someone to talk to and just listen to me ramble helps tremendously. Sometimes the 2x4's I get here are much more helpful than the IC or MC advice. Usually more straight to the point too.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted in awhile, so trying to make up for it now.

H has been out of town this week and I'll have to say I have enjoyed the time alone. Too bad I have had to work all week.

Bit of a vent here - Last night I mentioned how much I have been working and wished I had a day off and H replied with, "well working has been so good for you. gives you a good sense of self worth". Really pissed me off!!

Thought I had a sense of self worth until he blew it all to bits on DDay. Now I have had to pick up those pieces and put me back together. I'm doing it, but DAMN IT, I AM F**KING TIRED!!!

Thanks guys, really needed to get that off my chest.!!

The last couple days of postings have been great. So much of what I am feeling right now has been put out there to be analyzed by all. All of the input has helped.

I am kinda feeling alot of anger right now, (big surprise there) and not sure what to do with it. How do you keep the anger from spilling out into the M and H?

How do you express to H that you are having anger, or do you just ride it out alone? Fake it till you make it?

[This message edited by hurtbuthappy at 10:12 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know folks. My attention has always been focused outward. I never even considered that I might be needing something different than seeing to everyone elses' needs. If I connected with my kids, I felt like a great mom, if I did something helpful or worthwhile for my H I felt like a good wife.

I fell out of organized religion as a teen, but always kept the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" philosphy. I guess I just was such an optimist that I expected if they weren't doing unto me now, then they would later and it was okay to wait. Gee, I guess I also kept the "you'll get your reward in heaven" philosophy too.

Even during our MC sessions, my H kept saying "but she's so needy now." I never had been and it seemed to me he thought that was a good thing. Then to bring up that he felt disconnected because "she didn't need me." confused me to the max. I had, and in some aspects feel like I still don't have, an identity.

And the infidelity hit when I felt like I was in my stride, mother, business partner, financial wizard at work. I had a home, family, money in the bank, a successful and loving husband and then it all went to crap. He still maintains it was my surgery and the sexual problems afterward that pushed him in that direction. He knows it was wrong, he's not blaming my illness or anything. But so quickly?

As hard as I try, I can't remember a single thing that would have put a crack that wide in us that he would have felt neglected or challenged or that damn unhappy about.

That he could have turned his back on everything he had that quickly, like it was nothing. One day family man, the next day screwing whores.

I can see the spiral in him, how the new computer suddenly opened up this world of porn, that the business wasn't turning out the way he had envisioned, MLC issues - losing his hair, not seeing that "stud" in the mirror any more. I just can't see how that adds up to justifying 7+ years of prostitutes and a low-class GF and all the lies, and the fakery, the posturing, the "I am better than all of you" "I'm always right" and "how can YOU be so stupid"

See, sitting here even trying to understand it has me a wreck. No wonder he just runs away from it.

How can you do that? How can he do that now?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No wonder he just runs away from it.

How can you do that? How can he do that now?

Wish I knew the answer to this too. My H just believes you put the past in the past and more forward. He does it and sometimes can't see why I can't.

Easier for him to not think about the how's or why's, so he doesn't. Me, I analyze everything and want the answer before I can go forward.

always kept the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" philosphy.

I still try to live by this also. I believe in that karma bus too, but can't figure out why I feel like I have been hit by it instead of WS or OW. Perhaps they feel the same way, but I guess I want to see her laying under it! Oops, that is not living up to this quote is it. Guess I need to try harder?


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That he could have carried off a double life AT ALL, but that he would have done it when I was the best person I'd ever been.

Doesnt that just prove then, that his A really had NOTHING to do with you. Whether you were good or bad, he had reached a fork in himself... and chose the low road.

Can I ask how your relationship (if any) is with your dad now? Mine didnt abandon us physically (though he did to his first family), but he did abandon us in all the ways that mattered. My sisters and I have wished many times over the years, that my mum had kicked him out, or that he will walk out, but unfort that is not going to happen. If only he had...how much of damage he would have saved us.

Your F's wife (hate to use the word "mum" on her)really sounds like a piece of work. I cant understand women that treat children like that. My mum used to encourage my dad to see his son, but he just couldnt be bothered. He did go through a phase when he was interested, and then my step-brother would come over for weekends. We girls used to love having him....a brother! My mum went out of her way to make his stay nice.I guess she felt so guilty even though she never knew my dad was already married when she married him.

Sigh.
****

Now I take it anywhere I can get it

Hbh, I am at that place!

Re. the bad dreams. IC said that its my head trying to work out my issues. She said the dreams are sometimes significant for eg. the ones I have been having recently are to do with the theme of me being humiliated, and being powerless to stop it. Guess thats easy to link.

Have your tried figuring out what your dreams mean?

***

Midori, I know this sounds so strange, but I felt like I had a deja vu moment when i replied to your post. Since it was your first one, i dont know how that would be possible. Something in your username just reached out to me.
How bizarre.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Run)))))

Thank you for all your support of late and to hear the story of your childhood just breaks my heart.

What BT said! You have been an amazing force for us all. Let me hold up a virtual mirror and let you have a good long look at the incredible person that looks back at you.

Have your tried figuring out what your dreams mean?

OMG, don't even get me on the dream topic. I have had a whole series of "storm" dreams since dday. Being blow away by the wind, tornadoes I can't escape, trying to go to a safe place to get away from the storm. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that my psyche is under assault.


How do you express to H that you are having anger, or do you just ride it out alone? Fake it till you make it?

hbh - I am sure this is a really bad answer and wait for one of the "wiser ones" to respond but...

When I am angry, I friggin scream at him. I cry. I rant. I just let it all out. I believe his role in my healing is to "bear witness" to the consquences of his actions. If he isn't willing to do this for me, then I am not willing to keep working for R. Just my method but should carry the caveat "Do Not Try This At Home".

ETA: can everyone just hope for the best for me tomorrow? I had to have "a procedure" yesterday that was very painful. I go in tomorrow to see if it was successful or if they need to put me in agony again. Nothing life threatening just really painful. I hope it is okay and they can just bandage me up.

When do the locusts descend on my house?

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 10:46 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you keep the anger from spilling out into the M and H?

Now HBH, you should have addressed that to everyone but LH!
But since you didnt...

Get this right first...you have every f**king right to be angry. Just the other day your h was having lunch with OW, so he brought it on!
Now re anger,I can tell you what NOT to do.

*Do not hold it in or stuff it down. It leaks and when it does, its toxic.Let it out, but in appropiate ways. You know what I found...when I lash out at H uncontrollably, I become this ugly bitter twisted person, someone I dont recognise at all. I say the most horrible things, and even though they are true, they make me ugly by just voicing them.

*do not use violence

* if you can, when you see yourself seeing some red, go off to a quiet place and examine why you are feeling this, what happened that triggered this reaction in you. I find out that alot of the time, when I get angry its not only about that hurt that day, but all the hurts that went before that. So when H tells me to hurry up now when I am opening my heart to him, I hear all the other times when he wasnt available for me, all the other times, he told me to talk quickly as he had "more impt" things to do.

So once you identified that anger source, it might help manage your anger now, KWIM?

*Tell your H that you are very angry with him. Dont sugarcoat it. But also tell him how you would like to behave when you do have an anger surge. If he is like my H, he might react defensively and thus compound the problem. But I find that when H lets me talk (or yell ), and then apologises or holds me or even contradict me in the right instance (for eg. "You ONLY loved her.You still want to be with her!" ), I find that I am much better, the anger is diffused somewhat, and I have a good cry or nap and am ok to move on.

Now hopefully the others will chime in with more advice.

*Oh and definetly NO coffee throwing..esp if you have just washed your hair! The relief is so short lived and taking the coffee stains off the wall takes a looong time!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you express to H that you are having anger, or do you just ride it out alone? Fake it till you make it?

Wish I could do what shirley does, but H does react defensively (and feels he's justified in doing so), so I just take it somewhere else. Here, the highway.

I've tried doing the "I'm very angry at you and here's why." in a calm, unconfrontational manner, but then hearing "ok, whatever" or "let me know when you're done being mad" will just turn me into a raving lunatic.

I've even said, "when I'm angry, what I need you to do is just be there, take it and afterward hold me because I'm just going to apologize for being a screaming lunatic. I need you to be able to forgive me when I go off like that."

Yeah, that worked for like 3 months and he got tired of that.

SO I don't tell him. He says he knows, he can tell by my demeanor or my words. But like I said before dealing with your wife's anger is "yucky" so he doesn't go there. He'll ignore me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, in Zanny's words, buckets and buckets of white light for you for tomorrow.
You will be in my thoughts, so be sure to check in and let us know how it went.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
midori
♀ New Member
Member # 18980
Sad  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read all these posts and it is horrible. It feels like the same knife in my heart that I felt on DDAY. There is so much pain and I have no magic words or great advice. I just feel such compassion for you all and wish I could make it stop for everyone. I have never hurt anyone intentionally in my life and just can't get my mind around how our spouses could be so unfeeling as to put us through this nightmare that never ends. I feel a bit desperate and adrift today. Just want to run and hide or perhaps leap from the nearest bridge. They all say the same things. "She meant nothing to me". "I never stopped loving you". Then that must mean these cheaters are some pretty cold unfeeling sons of bitches.
I am sorry. I really have nothing useful to say. Just this never ending pain that seems to cause me to ramble.


Peace. Be still.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

midori, I found out over 2 years ago too. I found out 4 years after they'd been over (he says). I found out after the OW was dead, he protected her until she was gone and he was my only "source" for information.

Talk about your cold and calculating, huh? If she hadn't died, I would never have known. He never would have had his little "breakdown" that told me something was up. He would never have disappeared and lied about his whereabouts. I would still be in complete and utter obliviousness.

As it is when we talk about memories, we're stretching back 13-14 years. Some of those memories still cut me like a knife.

There was a thread in General about whether or not the BS sabotages R by getting "stuck" in the pain. Even my IC has said that I'm comfortable hurting, so I stay there.

Frankly, I don't believe any one of us wishes to remain in that place where we can't help but remember, feel, agonize. And I think the LTA is definately a different beast than the "usual" infidelity. That's why I stay off the other threads and pretty much hang out here.

This is the place that only we can understand how 2-3 years later, we still have that desire to driving into oncoming traffic, just to have the peace of death or at least a coma.

But we also know we're the strongest of the bunch. That's why we refer to ourselves as warriors and treat ourselves to beautiful surroundings here. Here we relax in the "hugs" of the ony people who know and rally around those in need.

I may never leave....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's ok midori, say what ever you need to here, that's the beauty of SI.


Just want to run and hide or perhaps leap from the nearest bridge. They all say the same things. "She meant nothing to me". "I never stopped loving you". Then that must mean these cheaters are some pretty cold unfeeling sons of bitches.
I am sorry. I really have nothing useful to say. Just this never ending pain that seems to cause me to ramble.

yeah, and even when ow did mean something to them these guys were cold unfeeling sonsabitches. grr, not helpful to you i know but i am in the same place today. ((hugs))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((midori)))
(((mig)))

Then that must mean these cheaters are some pretty cold unfeeling sons of bitches
.

Yes, that they were.
But their actions DO NOT define who YOU essentially are, Midori.
Why would you want to leap off a bridge for someone who has shown such disrespect to you? Your life is worth much much more than that.

I know it may not seem like it now, but things will get better. Just hold on.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
findmyself
♀ New Member
Member # 18999
Frustrated  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new on line but find comfort in knowing what I've been feeling is common with all of us - 1 1/2 years later I'm still in shock. h seems to be moving on and going about his life - I'm just now starting to be able to function on a normal level - the anger is still intense


findmyself

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: New Jersey
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder what it was that triggered that change in you? Can you remember what sparked it?

edited because I'm paranoid.

Doesnt that just prove then, that his A really had NOTHING to do with you.

Either that, or he preferred me mean!

No, it really does hurt because it was very hard work for me to be different and it didn't matter (to him).

Can I ask how your relationship (if any) is with your dad now?

I don't have one. As I said, it's too painful to try, and then get the same results. It puts me back to a place I don't want to be. It's a toxic dynamic for me. I haven't seen him in over 10 years. I hear about him though--how involved he is with his other grown children and what a great granddad he is to his other grandkids.

Your F's wife (hate to use the word "mum" on her)really sounds like a piece of work. I cant understand women that treat children like that.

I don't understand it either. Believe me, I have plenty of unpleasant feelings for her, but at the end of the day, the responsibility lies with him. I am his child.

Welcome newbies.

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 11:30 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it really does hurt because it was very hard work for me to be different and it didn't matter (to him).

(((Run))) It must have been unbelievably painful to work so hard to change because you loved him and wanted to make him happy only to have him not notice. I can't imagine you mean...doesn't seem possible.

I am his child.

yes, the responsibility does lie with him but did she really have to be a bitch? I guess it is the tribe vs. OW mentality. Are you here to make things better for innocent people or are you here just for your own selfish motives? But, you make a good point in that we hate and rant against the OW but it was our H who took the vows. I wish I could be there to give you a hug IRL.

Okay, painkillers are kicking in so typing will get bad (or worse). Wish me luck tomorrow!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, you make a good point in that we hate and rant against the OW but it was our H who took the vows.

Oh, don't get me wrong here! As with OW, I have PLENTY of "unpleasant" feelings for my father's wife. And also similar to OW, she had a responsibility to me as a person (not to mention as a CHILD--she was technically a "parent" to me!!!). So I absolutely DO hold her accountable for that. Just as I hold the OW accountable for her actions toward me, as a member of society in general. There are just things you DO NOT do. And I hold her accountable for what she did to my family. It's a matter of responsibility people have to other people, whether you know them or not.

But notice I do not say, "Blame her".

My dad should have had enough backbone to stand up for his child and say, "Enough", and my husband should have had enough backbone to stand up for his family and say, "No."

Weak.

(Sorry I'm such a boardhog today. )


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read Heartless B's thread about her 12 year old DD who passed away. I am looking at my DS who is sitting across me, (building up his wish list for his 12th bday in a few weeks)and I just cant imagine HB's pain and anguish. Sometimes life just sucks.

***
All the best for today Shirley.

***
Run, so you were the "baddie" and H was the "goodie", and then when you became the "goodie", he became the "baddie".

I wonder what his thinking was. Did he feel that there always had to be that good/bad balance? Is role switch just co-incidence?

I also have a hard time picturing you as a baddie.

My dad should have had enough backbone to stand up for his child and say, "Enough", and my husband should have had enough backbone to stand up for his family and say, "No."

I totally agree.Ditto to my F and H.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing to add at the moment, just wanted to say Hi to findmyself.

I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us. I wish I had this place BEFORE I found out. If I'd had these people at my back the 3 weeks before when I only suspected something was going on...10 years AFTER it all started, I think I'd be in much better shape than I am today.

Had a mini meltdown this morning after a discussion with H last night. We were watching tv on the couch and I pulled up the blanket and started to unbutton his shirt and rub his chest, kiss his neck, etc. YOu know where I was going... so he asks "what are you doing?" I said "I'm trying to stir up a little interest here." His response was "Yeah, good luck with that." I told him I remembered when me just rubbing his thigh or nibbling his ear would turn him on. He said it just doesn't work like that anymore, if he doesn't feel like it, nothing I do is going to make him feel like it. (Wow, that hit hard). Then he says "You know I'm a daytime guy and it's almost 11 o'clock, I'm ready for bed." Well that was the trigger for the meltdown this morning.

Yeah he was a daytime guy with all of them. All during work or before dinner hours (that I know of). Aw gee, but he was younger then, always up for it. And all it took was a phone call and he came fucking running.

Wonder how he'd react if I called him at work and told him to come home I wanted sex... oh yeah, I forgot, "it's different".

Look, I got mine this morning. Too bad for him (TMI alert!) I sat on him and he came immediately... all over for Mr. Weepy. He was pissed. Ah well, guess he's out of luck until next weekend.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, is today the day or was it yesterday and I am late?

Either way, I hope it was a wonderful day.

Much love and ((((((Lost))))) just for you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

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