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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't come on very often now, but I am glad I cam by to say goodbye to you Mum. Your need to move forward is healthy and admirable. I feel similarly, but I haven't said official goodbyes because I like to stop in to say "hi" periodically. Wishing you all the best in your continued pursuit of healing.

As for your OW, your wishes for good healing are more than kind and I hope she recognizes that the extension of mercy is exceedingly difficult given these circumstances. I hope she appreciates the gift you gave her because there are not very many that would be so willing to offer that up.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see it's been quiet today and I guess that's good, unless we're all off wallowing in our own thoughts?

I need help with this communication thing. I know I own half of it, but no matter what "method" I use to derail a rant or avoid an argument, it happens anyway.

H came home at lunch today, really a nice surprise, he knows my MRI is tonight and he will not be there, so he wanted to give me a little of the time he did have. Appreciated.

So I told him what I had been doing on the cleaning and sorting front and said "Oh, BTW, I found a key and some string in your blue vest,it's there on the bookcase. I was going to wash it since it's winter gear and we can start putting that away."

Where did I go wrong???? Well, according to H, I should have called him at work to tell him I was going to wash his vest. Or maybe I was supposed to call before I even got the idea to wash his vest. I don't know.

He began by telling me that I should have told him before I did it. That barring that, I should have told him the minute he walked in the door that I'd found the key and what was I supposed to do with it.... No, I think the issue was that I touched his stuff and according to him "I lose everything because you move it and never tell me and when I look for it, it's gone and you don't remember what you did with it. I know a week from now I'd be looking for that key and you wouldn't have a clue where it was." WTF??? SO I told him we could solve the problem right here and now. Picked up his dirty vest, put the key back in the pocket and put it back where it was.... on the couch where it had been sitting for weeks.

I said "Pick up your vest and put it away, I don't want it on the couch any longer."

Now I have an "attitude".

How a really nice gesture (him coming home) turns into a major conflict... I really dont' know. He left mad and I'm mad AT him.

To me a "normal" conversation would have been:

H: Why is my vest in the laundry hamper?
W: I'm doing darks, thought I'd wash it for you.
H: Where's the key that was in the pocket?
W: On the bookcase next to the closet.
H: Ok. Would you mind putting it on my bureau when you go upstairs so it doesn't get lost?
W: No problem.

Am I crazy?

Any suggestions on communication techniques... our MC hasn't been able to get him to cooperate at all when she tries.

[This message edited by weepy at 4:14 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I am the LAST one to comment on communication with H, so i will sit this out, thank you very much.

H and I are being polite and civil with each other. Of course we dont talk about whats on our minds, because we both know that it will lead to an argument. In any case, there is really nothing he can say now to me to make me feel better about the other night.

this reminds a little of how we used to conflict avoid before. We used to go up till 2 weeks without talking to each other. I usually caved first. He has OWs to talk to, have sex with, go to lunch with, shop for, whatever. I had noone, so would cave in, apologise and keep the peace.

Like IC keeps saying, i need to focus on WHY i allowed myself to be treated like crap for so long. For 14 years i believed that I could fix him if I only did X better, then he would be nicer/kinder/more loving etc.

Now I KNOW I can only fix me. I am NOT responsible for him. And its such a huge huge burden off my shoulders.

If he doesnt fix himself alongside, he will be left behind. Thats his cross to bear, not mine.
He has been given not one but TWO chances.He has discovered the love of his children. He has discovered the love FOR his children. And he has found me, even though I was right in front of him all these years.

****

On a happy noted, BT, I want to wish you many many happy returns for tomorrow.

Party starts when???


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Weepy))))

Hope it goes well today Weepy.
We will all be there with you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for remebering me and forall the thoughts. Surgery went pretty good. lots of pain right not, but hopefully that will ease up soon. Trying to just rest adn take care of myself.

Too hard ot sit here and tyoe so I'll be on in a few days. Part of disc was calcified, so they couldn't remove it all but are hopefully the pain will be much better. Still having some leg pain but there is so much pain all over right now that i's hard to differenciate. Wh is being a big help so far thak God.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost I hope they are giving you great meds!

The valium did the trick, I barely cared I was stuck in a box. Only toward the end did I have a problem because my nose itched and I couldn't move to get it.

SIL was great. And H called me before I left and told me he would be thinking about me at 7 when the test was being done. He promised to not listen to a thing the lecturer was saying and send all his love to me. He finally said he felt badly about not being with me and that he loved me and he loved my phobias.

Still feeling pretty good. I like valium.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy and SoLost, glad to hear you both came through your stuff OK.

Lost, thank you for remembering. We don't have a big deal planned. My parents and sister came down last week and we went out to a fancy dinner. Tomorrow, we're just going to take it easy and hang out with the kids and dogs.

Can't do much more at my advanced aged.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say hello to everyone. Iíve got this Japanese student staying Ė and heís found the computers. We have Japanese language installed, so heís well away! So with that and FWH spending the week working from home, Iíve not had much of a lookin. So Iíve copied and pasted, read and caught up for now.

LostH, Iím sure the lumpy bits are nothing to worry about, most prob just additional scarring. There is a condition where the body reacts in that way over time round scar tissue, but I canít remember what itís called. A friend of mine has it, so no ear piercings, etc for her. Could be little hard cysts. Donít worry and try to bring the tests forward. As to HIM, well, I wonít even go there.
*****
Mum, gonna miss your warm and wise words. Much love to you and your sister. You know weíll be pleased to see you here anytime. As to OW, I donít hate my Hís exOW either. But at least I know sheís gone and I donít think she knows this site exists, so Iím safe here. Maybe weíll meet up IRL. (((((mum)))))
*****
SoLost. Rest up and let your H take care of things for a while.
*****
Weepy, glad the valium worked for you, what happens now? See your H is still on the defensive assuming an attack when there isnít one. Try breathing slowing and counting to ten and then just ignore his remarks. You could also try doing what I did when my boys were little Ė a large plastic box for their ďstuffĒ that was lying around. If it was ďlostĒ, theyíd be told to look there first. I didnít throw anything away, everything went into the box. That was until they were 8 or 9. Then if they didnít clear their rooms when asked, I would put everything that was scattered around on the floor into a large bin bag and leave it in the middle of the room. They would have one chance to sort it, or it went out into the dustbin. School clothes, books, radio controlled cars, transformers, money, everything. Even my H knows what it means if I say ďIím doing a black bin liner on this room Ö..Ē They also have their own linen baskets. Only stuff in the basket gets washed. And my H knows that too.
*****
FNF, hope you had/are having a lovely time with your DS and DIL. Bit of respite for you and when you look at DS you KNOW youíve done something good.
*****
Trying2BeStill (t2bs?) Hi. Tough one. But it seems many LTA FWHís had trouble extricating themselves from the arms and charms of OW. They just want to be seen as the nice guy Ė when in fact their behaviour towards their W makes them just the opposite. Itís all part of the fantasy, the kisa personality, neatly compartmentalised, except itís oozing out of the box and itís not very pleasant. Only you know how you want to deal with things, you probably know your H better than he does himself. He doesnít like looking at himself right now, which gives you the upper hand, so use it! Thereís plenty of advice here as well as support, sympathy and empathy. We all have BTDT t-shirts Ė and our tribal beads! Help yourself - we've got all sizes.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to bring the Retrovaille info to our next MC session and ask her to review it, check it out, see what she says. See, H doesn't think HE has a problem with communicating, it's apparently ALL me.

Now I assume part of the responsibility for "hearing" things that aren't there -- underlying critism of my intelligence and such. I'm learning slowly to ignore that voice and concentrate on what's being said.

He is much better at his "tone" and for beginning the "critism" with "I appreciate you're effort.... BUT..." which as we all know means ignore everything I said before the "but". It's come down to me saying "don't thank me for something you don't appreciate. It makes you a hypocrit."

Now he's specifically ASKED me to do something for him today and I don't want to do it. I told him I would if I have time... of course I have all the time in the world right now, but still, there's stuff I want to get accomplished first.

Plus he's already started with the "somebody's out to make sure I don't succeed at this job" crap. He thinks half th sales people are trying to screw him over... he's been working there all of 7 days.. why would they all "hate" him already? He thinks the fact that his email isn't set up yet is a plan to keep him uniformed and off balance.

He recognizes the behavior in others but not in himself?

I hope this back thing turns out to be something that can be handled with PT so I don't have to hang around here and can get back to work, out in the world with the sane...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends.... I've got something brewing and I wrote it up in Recon.

You guys "know" him best. You know he's going to get all defensive or offensive or have a "prepared statement" ready.

I don't know if I should call IC or MC or take the last valium from yesterday or what?

And get this... he had to take a personality test for this job and the results are in... he is below average in Empathy, Social Responsibility (which means he tends to put his own desires ahead of others) and Interpersonal Relationships which means he has trouble giving and receiving affection and establishing and maintaining intimacy.

No wonder he never showed me those results....

[This message edited by weepy at 4:09 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost, no matter how much you are tempted, just sit back and rest. Its great that H is helping. I know how tough it is not to manage from the side, but let him take over...it will be best for all your sakes.

Speedy recovery!

****

Weepy, read your post.
I am so tired of games. I would just ask him straight out why he needs to keep those numbers there? He knew you would see it, so it would be incredibly stupid for him to keep it there if he was up to something. He would prob keep you and "acceptable" reason for keeping them, so tell him straight out, no wishywashy words, that you find that upsetting, and are not happy with him keeping them, so please remove them, not only from there, but anywhere else.
Frankly, i dont see the need why he should have those numbers, so I am curious to what his response will be.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah maybe after I ask, which I will, say "Now give me three good acceptable reasons for you to have the personal phone numbers of a single woman you have no reason at all to be in touch with."

You know, he'll just say they've been there since he started and she gave them to him in case he needed to reach her while working late or on weekends. (She was his job scheduler).

So thats one acceptable reason ... and he no longer has that issue.

But like I said, he could just call and get them again and keep them at work. I need to discuss the boundary issue. Hmmm, I wonder if there's a section in that personality review about boundaries...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday BT!!!!!

Hopefully this wont come out all soppy, so here goes:

You mean alot to me. We have never met, and I doubt that we will IRL, but you, more than anyone else in the world, have helped me stay sane and alive. There have been many times when I just couldnt make it another minute, and I would read and reread what you said to me, or someone else, I would hang on for another day.

I know you dont have to come on to SI anymore...you and H have long since R'd successfully. But you do anyway. You share your learning experiences with us, your truimphs and your obstacles, and more than that, you help see us through ours.

You have more than "repaid" your "debt" to SI, but you still keep on giving.

And I for one am extremely grateful.

Thank you so so so much. All the best for this year!


LH

ps. What do you mean you are too old to part-tay??
You are like 50 woman! Give us young 'uns something to look forward to.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT: Wish there was a party hat icon here. I'm not savvy enough to bring stuff from the outside in.

I wish I was 50 again. (Big sigh) Haven't you heard? 50 is the new 40! And by my rules you get to start counting backwards now... next year you'll be 49, that should give you something to look forward to.

And I hope I'm not wrong on the number, I'm following LH's post....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to join HAPPY BIRTHDAY wishes to you, BT....

Can't you hear me singing? Oh wait, that'd be a bad thing LOL Of course, we do have other professional singers here on this board..... just envision *them* singing to you!

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BT!!!

I'm wishing you all the best of everything in the world!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Let us know how the cell phone number conversation goes. Keeping my fingers crossed for you....

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darn you, Lost! I got through the entire day without a tear, and thought I was home free till I read your post.

Thank you for saying those lovely things. You made my day.

I appreciate all the wishes from my sisters here. It feels good to be 50. Life is good and I am happy.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hb, it went ok. He was a little defensive and complained about "being beat up again and again" over this. I tried to explain that it was better to get this all out, than to let it fester (his words from our last face off). He said it makes him want to "hide" anything that might trigger me. I told him that was not acceptable. We had to work through this stuff, not bury it.

He had a reasonable explanation and agreed that he wouldn't need the numbers any more.

So we settled it. He apologized for freaking out a little and I told him I wasn't about to lose him again and I was protecting my "territory" from predators and stupid prey that kind of wander into dangerous areas.

We went to bed . And he told me he loved me and wasn't going anywhere. Hopefully that's the end of it.

Oh, and I changed a digit in her cell number anyway.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT. BELATED HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Welcome to the 50ís club! Itís just a number anyhow, what matters is your age in your head. Iím 27. I liked being between 27 and 30. I felt grown up, responsible and happy. And I looked good, even when I was pregnant or breastfeeding (which I mostly was!). Yep, Iím 27 and 284mths!

Weepy. When are you going to stop beating yourself up? They are your boundaries and you have every right to be clear about them. And he has to accept your questioning on even the most trivial of matters. Only when he accepts that and is always willing to be open can you even begin to think about the trust issue. And maybe thatís something for discussion. Another one! But glad it was okay after all. Phew!

he is below average in Empathy, Social Responsibility (which means he tends to put his own desires ahead of others) and Interpersonal Relationships which means he has trouble giving and receiving affection and establishing and maintaining intimacy.

Interesting, if only to have your awareness about his personality defects confirmed.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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