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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mari, call your IC. She won't judge you. If she does, get a new one!

I struggled like you. I'm 2 years into therapy and still struggling.

You are not perfect, none of us are. I could have been a better parent, wife, daughter too. BUT I did the best I could do at the time. Looking back, there are a million things I would have changed knowing the outcome, or could have done better if my mind hadn't been distracted. But that was my life THEN. I can only try and live a more conscious life now.

I thought both my children would be scarred by both of us. Him for ignoring and berating and basically abusing them during his A time and by me for not protecting or overprotecting them from that evnvironment. But in talking to both my kids, they said they were happy, that I was always there for them, they never felt abandoned or worried about home. They felt secure, so I did my job. I was the best mother I knew how to be and I was a better mother than my mother was to me and hopefully my D will be a better mother than I was.

You were not inadequate. YOu in NO WAY CAUSED HIS AFFAIR. That was his choice, only his. He chose to lie to you, you didn't MAKE him. And you weren't stupid to know... are you calling the rest of us stupid? Do you think any of us would have stood by KNOWING something was going on? We weren't stupid, we were trusting and loving and optimistic. We aren't the problem here. Ok?

Who gives a F what people think? No one knows what they will do until they're put in that position.... the next time anyone makes a comment to you, tel them to walk a mile in your shoes and then come back and talk. Until then, shut the f&ck up!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Marigold, I am so sorry you feel this way. You do believe don't you that you didn't force or cause your H to have an affair? He did that all by himself. You do understand that you are not stupid for still being in a bad place, for trying to work things out, for not knowing in the first place? If you are then you have a whole host of people here who are just as stupid and in reading what I do here I know that is not true.

I can't stand people who come along and preach about what they would do in my situation when they don't have any idea what they would do. They don't realise that in our battered ego state that it just buries us even more. No-one here has any contempt for you at all. You have so much to deal with, try and be gentle on yourself and ignore what others think. It is so hard I know, but you are a valued person believe that of yourself.

A good IC would never critisise you for where you are feeling, they will just try to help you work out what it is you want and how you might go about getting it. I can understand how you might feel embarrassed, but the fear of something is often worse than the reality of it. Perhaps you could just try phoning someone, then you wouldn't have to see them and it might be easier to start with.

Your pain shines through in your post, so I will be thinking about you and hoping that things improve for you, you have been so strong to get to this point, realise that and take more strength from it to keep going, minute by minute.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marigold, your pain is palpable--I'm so sorry you feel this way so much of the time. Do try either the IC you know or someone new--

I can only say ditto to what weepy and mum said--it's not your fault and you've been so strong already--I'm almost 3 years out and today I had a meltdown, as I was painting the living room--god knows what the wall will look like after it dries!! But the awful feelings still come around and fell us--and it's not because you're a bad person--it's because what your spouse was able to do is almost too much to bear, for any of us.

Kudos to you and all of us who struggle and at times come out feeling stronger or at least okay. Hope thing improve for you soon. Hugs.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Weepy and Mum. I'm sorry. I do feel ashamed for feeling so stuck, for knowing during the A that something had changed and felt wrong and yet never in a million years believing that H was capable of doing what he did. And so I just kept thinking that if I would be a better wife everything would be ok. I gave up a career, did ALL the housework and childcare and yard work, did whatever he wanted in bed whenever he wanted it, dropped friends that didn't like him. The first 10 years of our marriage were not like that, we were peers, so somehow I just thought if I were nice enough I could make it good again. But instead i just succeeded in making myself completely dependent on a H who was deeply involved with another woman.

I know I am whining. I'm sorry. I sometimes feel like there's nothing left of me worth saving.


Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whimsey, thanks to you too.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, sorry I missed the morning call in. Hope that it went well.

***
(((FSA)))

Tapping works. I was sceptical at first and felt v foolish, but I am even teaching DS this now.
You can a routine off the net.

And I agree with Mum.You dont have to pretend with IC. its her job to help you. Your job is to let her do hers the best she can, and putting on a brave good girl face doesnt cut it. I just wish she would stop with the judgemental statements.

***
(((marigold)))

so somehow I just thought if I were nice enough I could make it good again. But instead i just succeeded in making myself completely dependent on a H who was deeply involved with another woman.

BTDT.
But thats NOT who I am going to be again.And neither do you have to.
Its NOT too late, if thats what you are worried about.

And if you are concerned about going back to old IC, get a new one. I have told the story to quite a few before I found mine. So WTF what, right?
This is about you.

***
Weepy, I think too that the card was v nice. For a man who is so stingy with his feelings, I think he did pretty good. He is showing the cracks in his walls, Weepy. Hang in there.

***
(((((Tribe))))

LH


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pretty clear at this point that he resents me for wanting him to be faithful. He wants to be married, he's willing to be faithful, but he's certainly not wanting to be faithful. Is that to be expected? I guess I have this feeling that after the A, he should be so grateful that I'm still here that he would never look twice at another woman. He says men just have more interest in novelty than women do.

He makes these little jokes. Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips. That's the kind of thing that makes me blow up.

And I just don't seem to have the strength to know how to deal with it. Except cry and eat too much.


Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so I just kept thinking that if I would be a better wife everything would be ok.

Of course, because the sucess or failure of the marriage was left to us. Re-read the bank analogy. We were depositing like crazy and they were standing at the ATM outside sucking all of it out again. Was that our fault?

He makes these little jokes. Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips. That's the kind of thing that makes me blow up.


Oh God even my neanderthal of a H wouldn't have done that! Well, I take that back, if he wanted me to back off from a particular subject, he might have. Maybe your insecurities were showing and he pounced?If H had been commenting on other women, I would have asked him calmly if he thought that was appropriate considering the circumstances or was he trying to get me angry.

I'm sure BT will be along with the 2x4 she uses on my H.

It's pretty clear at this point that he resents me for wanting him to be faithful.

He wants to be married, he's willing to be faithful, but he's certainly not wanting to be faithful. Is that to be expected? I guess I have this feeling that after the A, he should be so grateful that I'm still here that he would never look twice at another woman.

then he has to go. Sorry, any man who doesn't WANT to be faithful, who's here under obligation or "duty" can kiss my A$$. Now, has he said that or are you assuming like me?

One thing my H does that drives me absolutely nuts is he questions everything I say or do. Just says "why did you do that?" or "what did you mean by that?" Drives me bonkers to have to "explain" everything I say or do. So lately I've just be saying "because I want to". I'm not justifying my life to anyone.

But let me try it back to him and he's all "how dare you" or "you know".

It's getting easier, the more I listen to him and echo back his questions or mannerisms, the less he likes it and the less he does it.

On the way home he said he didn't know when he'd arrive. I asked him what the GPS said (he plays with it all the time). He gave me the "I know my way home, dear" all smarmy. I just said "good, it's about time." Shut him right up. He knows he stepped over the line wiht his attitude and he's going to get it right back. I'm no longer the "oh, I'm so sorry did I offend you in some way master" doormat I used to be.

Call your IC. Tell her you need some empowerment training!

[This message edited by weepy at 4:25 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips.

Good grief! Is it any wonder you are still struggling so.

Which way to the beachside massage tables???


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats to your DD, weepy!

Good Luck, BT!

Congrats to your sister, mum! What an amazing gift.

(((LTA Tribe)))


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips.

Oh, marigold....you are a saint!!

He is acting like a horny 14 yr.old making a crass statement like that.

Is this his bumbling attempt at humor? God, I hope so. Only that would remotely justify his daring to say something so inappropriate as that.

I don't want to add to your misery....but seriously, you deserve SO MUCH better than this.
Do you have any support personally? If you choose to leave, do you have a game plan?

(((marigold)))))


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N+S,

Yes, it's "humor." But he knows it bugs me. he's trying to annoy me for whatever reason.

The answers to your questions are really no and no. I think I did to some extent blame the A on myself and thus continue with the behaviors described above. I think that blaming it on myself gave me some kind of comfort because then i still felt I could fix everything by trying even harder.


Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, I forgot to address you in my post before I left for work!!! I'm so sorry...but I did say a prayer for you after reading your request. I just forgot to wish you luck. Don't worry--I bet you're in like flynn. (What is flynn? )

It is so frustrating because then he will say something like "No, I never stayed in that hotel with ow" and I'll immediately ask how come he remembers that when he forgets everything else?

Sheesh...THIS is my life. We spend all this time with "I don't know/I don't remember." and then I'll ask some specific random meaningless question that he'll be absolutely certain of. Makes me positively insane. How can you NOT know WHEN she had an abortion, and know for a fact that you didn't call her while we were in Disneyland five years ago.

It's pretty clear at this point that he resents me for wanting him to be faithful. He wants to be married, he's willing to be faithful, but he's certainly not wanting to be faithful. Is that to be expected?

marigold, are you asking us if it should be "expected" that he be faithful? Or are you asking US if it is to be expected that he feel that way after an A?

Either way--honey, as gently as I can--do you think that's what you deserve? A man who doesn't want to be faithful? Believe it or not, there are men out there who want what we want. And if your H doesn't want that...then hon, life is just too short. He may be "willing" as you said--but really???? Is that what you want to settle for?

He makes these little jokes. Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips.

Sweetie, you've been through enough. It's completely insensitive for him to do that in front of you. >sigh< You must want more for yourself and then believe that you deserve it. He can come along or get left behind, but YOU have to get to a place where you believe it. YOU have the work to do there.

What are you doing on a regular basis to find and build your "self". I truly believe the stronger we become and the more in touch we are with our "selves", the better we will take care of ourselves--regardless of what they do--because we know what it's like to lose our "self" and frankly, the cost will just be too high for us not to.

Sit down with yourself and decide what you want your life to be like--how you want to spend the majority of your time feeling (happy, at peace, content, relaxed--or anxious, sad, mad, on edge, bitter). Then get there. The rest will fall into place.

But don't sell yourself short, marigold. You don't deserve a man like that.

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 5:58 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it's "humor." But he knows it bugs me. he's trying to annoy me for whatever reason.
What? His LTA didn't "annoy" you enough? I'd say that's the motha of ALL annoyances so mission accomplished for his ass! Sorry Marigold but your H is about to get the asshole of the month award here on LTA corner. Marigold, I'm going to ask a question your MC may not but it may prove to be a very important question to follow up on for you. Who taught you it was OK to treat you poorly and disrespectfully? That is a place to focus your attention. Your H sounds like he's capitolized on this and continues to do so. He's reluctantly being a good boy it sounds like. I don't hear you talking about a man who has remorse and who has respect for you. Honey, I'm with the others. You deserve more than this.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marigold:

As Weepy points out, I have a very low tolerance for verbal meanness, particularly from a WS. And what your H said was simply mean.

One of the things we've talked about on these threads before is how little tolerance we need to have for this kind of behavior -- either being on the receiving end of it or the giving end.

Can I ask how you responded when he made that crack?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who taught you it was OK to treat you poorly and disrespectfully? That is a place to focus your attention.

OTC - once again very wise words. I, unfortunately, do not have any palpable FOO issues to blame this on. I am working on trying to understand why I allowed him to treat me with disrespect all those years. Not the As, just general disrespect).


BUT, while we are on the topic of respect…

How can I move forward with someone that I no longer respect. One of the foundations of my love for him was his ability to pull himself up by his bootstraps and escape a life of abuse and poverty. I came from a better situation and admired this intensely. Now that I see that he has, at some level, fooled everyone around him about who he his, I have no respect for him. He is just smart enough, just talented enough, just athletic enough, just good looking enough AND a good enough liar to made it very, very far. Most people look at him and admire him. I used to. Now I am sick about this as well. What lies has he told to get to where he is? Who else has he hurt to get there? Does anybody else struggle with this? Can I rebuild a life with a man I don’t respect…I don’t think so.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today we were talking about a certain group of women being attractive, and he said yes and licked his lips.

Marigold - I am new here and I hurt to see someone who has been through years of this struggling. But, if I may, can I please kick your H in the balls and then tell him "that was a joke". He is trying to hurt you when he says or does these things and it is not fair to you. Please look at OTCs post (sorry I am reading in reverse) and ask yourself who taught you that is was okay to be hurt by others...

(((marigold)))

ETA: hit enter too soon...

BT - let us know when you hear. We can have a virtual congrats party.

Weepy - this is the strongest and, I think, happiest, Weepy I have seen since I started lurking on SI 7 months ago. You go girl...stick with whatever you are doing 'cause you seem to be in a groove.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 8:49 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody

I've been out of the house all evening. And feeling pretty good at the moment. Maybe b/c I stayed out of the house. I've been feeling somewhat bad about myself b/c I had noticed as long as I was running the roads and spending money that I felt pretty good. But maybe it's not the spending money that makes me feel better but instead it's just being out of the house.

DD is going to prom this weekend and I took her to get her nails done. And being as we were there already there was no sense in me just sitting there. Sooooo I got my nails done too. Now I'm typing with a handicap. So please excuse the mistakes.

Thanks again for pulling me through last night. It was a tough night. Got up this morning still groggy from the xanax, but they did help. H is confused as to why I am struggling so right now. I wish that was all that I had to be, confused.

Think I'm going to go and check in on this tapping thing.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to post a quick message. My grandfather passed away two weeks ago, so my free time has been even shorter. He was my last living grandparent. Guess it is a sign that life keeps moving on, huh. I'm all right - reflective, sad, but not depressed. We will plant sunflowers this spring - in his memory.

Ho is up to the usual antics - now demanding $5800 by March 31st. Sent a letter on the kind of preprinted stationary you get when you are 14 - in an envelope to go with it - complete with falsified receipts. What a dumbass.

Sigh. I imagine my grandfather would have called ho the same thing.

You are all continually in my thoughts. (((((LTA Tribe)))))

Wishing you sunflowers in your hearts and deep blue oceans of peace in your souls,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((svs)))))))))))

I'm so glad to "see" you. You've been on my mind.

I'm sorry to hear the ho is still being her usual self. Is it easy for a judge to see that the receipts are fake too? I just can not believe she's still at it.

Is she married?

Glad to see you again, FSA.

Shirley, I can remember being at a point where you are. Just remember, it's a process right now. Try to hang in there and continue posting your thoughts about things so you can work through them--one way or the other. But don't be surprised if 3 months from now you feel totally different again.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


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