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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't keep up with you all!

Weepy, sounds like a difficult but reallyneeded MC appointment. I am sooo glad. I can really relate as my dad left for ow after 30 years of marriage. He still doesn't speak to me. Thinks I should not have been affected by it. He's an ass. But, I truly have worked hard at choosig to forgive him ad ish him well in the world. He just cannot be a positive part of my life at this time so he can't be a part of it. That was huge for me though b/c the first thing I realize when the A happened was that I had married someone like my faher and that made me sick.

Checked my keylogger today adn saw wh had searched an adult finder website. He spent 4 1/2 minutes looking at pages of women from our state. I don't know if he was looking to see if she was on there or looking to find someone or what. It woudl be out of character b/c he had a monogonous affair adn from verything I have searched that was the only one. But at this point, who kows. I am not sure what to talk to him about. Or more, how to talk to him. Or if I hsould just keep wacthing adn see what happens. I am leaning towardthat.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not just your h, you were only a child when your father left, the trauma that has left you with must be immense. For your h to do what he has after your childhood experiences must be so painful. Have you ever really looked into this?

Of course, its' come out in many sessions, but all they tell me is "he's not your father" or "he didn't leave you". Well, to the latter, yes he did, for years he wasn't MY husband. He was HER lover and that's it, the rest of his life was in shadow.

I don't know folks. But he's just woken up so I'll be back.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,
Or if I hsould just keep wacthing adn see what happens. I am leaning towardthat.

With your recent discovery on the computer, I would wait and watch at this point. It would be very easy for your H to dismiss out of hand the stuff you found on the computer. But I see it as a red flag and I would put your detective hat on and stay on red alert.

(((MUM)))) Wishing you a peaceful antiversary. This year you won't have to look back at every point and think "he was with HER last year".... It is a solid year of having built memories and hopefully with each passing year the time spent with OW will fade right away from your lives. It is a long process, but each day, each year is a victory in surviving the LTA.

Hope the rest of the tribe is doing well...

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost, I don't really know what advice to give you, but I know I would find it extremely hard if I discovered this about H. Why would he be interested in women from your state? Surely there is only one reason for that? Maybe not, maybe I'm being presumptive, but I would be a mess I think. So I wish you all the strength in the world. I don't know if I could wait to talk to him, I tend to not be able to hide these things. But I don't know if that would be the right thing.

There is a bit of me that thinks the fact he has been on there is enough of an issue even if he never looks on there again it is something you need to talk to him about. Does he know you have a keylogger? Does confronting him mean you would have to give up that resource?

I'm so sorry you have to face this.


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hearbroken, unfortunately I have another 6 months of "last year he was doing that" memories. He told me he was leaving me this day last year and then spent until August 18th still seeing her as I found out later and then another month of contact from her. Ah well, of course you are right. As time goes by it does get easier and today has been fine. H has acknowledged it and has walked up to me a few times and hugged me and said how sorry he is with no prompting from me.


******
Weepy, I'm sorry, I think it is ridiculous to suggest that somehow your reaction should not be affected by what your father did because he is not your father. That would be like saying a rape victim should not be further traumatised by another rape. Of course the two are connected for you. Yes your h and father aren't connected but you are one person, you cannot separate the two experiences. Your IC should be talking about you and your POV not that of the other people involved. And I agree completely your H DID leave you for all those years on an emotional level, that is why it is so traumatic for you now because you realise how abandoned you were. Honestly, .

This may be key to your healing IMO, how can it not be? Probably one of the most defining things of your childhood, how can that not be connected to how you are able to heal from the most traumatic experience in your adult life? Maybe your IC needs to concentrate a little more on where Weepy is coming from rather than what Weepy's H is doing/not doing.


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum, sorry the memories will haunt for longer, but you *will* get there, my friend. I know you will.

OMG, I NEED INPUT NOW!!! Anyone familiar with Facebook? And how is it different than Myspace? OMG, OMG, OMG.... OW put up a Facebook page...... Yes, I know it is obsessive, but I always like to keep track of my enemies.....

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does not know I have a keylogger. I think I coul djust pretend like he didn't delete history or osmething and go that route. I do not want him to know I have a keylogger.

I just feel sick to my stomach.Who the hell did I marry??????


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called to say goodnight to the kids from work adn asked what was wrong and I told him. He basically said it wasn't what I htought, it was just porn. I was very calm. Said yeah, but the end was porn, not the match making site. You put your zip code and scanned through women after clicking on our state. It is what it is. He agreed.

I just don't know. I think my give a damn is completely busted. I have surgery in one week on my back and I a terrified and I need him to take care of kids,house and me for several weeks. He will but I a now wonderingto I cancel that just in case. It's all so overhwleming sometimes that i just need to shut down. i took two percocet for my back--I never take two. But part of that was just to zone out and sleep, which I will do shortly. The pain in my back is getting worse each day adn then this shit on top of it all.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,

That really sucks. It sounds like he is still turning to his same dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Where you do plan to go from here?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum:

How are you today?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Solost, I"m sorry--it's "never what we think" is it, or maybe it is and that's even worse.

Are you having discs removed? Good luck--hope you slept well on the percocet!!

I wrote a longish post and I think I lost it, and I don't have the patience to go back and look for it. But I was musing this weekend, felt out of sorts. Nothing new, just that it's now so old in a sense, regular life is going on and creeping in sort of--and I'm still not settled.

I sort of feel that my solid foundation that was destroyed is still made of quicksand--and I'm beginning to think that this is also something I will have to learn to live with. And I know my foundation is my business, but for me it was entwined with the security I felt with H, that he had my back, that he was there and loving me and accepting and all that. You all know what I mean.

I guess it has to do with not being so naive anymore, and not dependent on someone else's presence or support or whatever to feel like a strong or fulfilled person--but that's hard for me. I"m not used to sleeping with one eye open, as someone once described one's state post-infidelity--it's too tiring for me.

Actually had a nice weekend together, but I wasn't feeling myself or as open as I'd like, and H doesn't ever bring anything up anymore, so it just sits there like an elephant in the room--and I'm tired of being the one always to start "discussions", open up about feelings, etc. Or the one to notice the elephant! Or maybe it's just MY elephant?

Wish my compartmentalizations skills were up to H's.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fine Bt thanks. Funny you should ask though because today is actually worse than yesterday because today I KNOW how I felt last year, today I can list every damn thing I did and he did and I've got a feeling I might be doing this for a while. H is very good though, he is so desperate about everything. Anyway he's made an appointment to start IC (we've been in MC for months) so that's good. I think he has finally realised that he has some stuff to sort through that maybe he can't do for himself. Like many people's H's on here he has some FOO stuff that he has never faced and now is the time perhaps when he needs to. As hearbroken says, I will get there, I am at least at that point now. Just plugging away.

So Lost, as bad as this is, the fact of the matter is that it is not another affair, what it is, is him displaying the behaviour that led him to infidelity the first time. What this needs now is good communication skills between the two of you to work out how it is to be dealt with and to make sure that your H understands the work he needs to do. He needs to understand what preceded this urge to go looking and he needs to put into place other coping mechanisms to allow him to achieve what no doubt he really wants which is a fullfilling life with his wife and family. As you well know this is nothing to do with you actually, it is all to do with him.

Have you read Steering Clear by Earl Wilson, the very first chapter uses an example of on-line sites that really reflects what your H was doing and how that is the start of the slippery slope, at least he admitted that that's what it was. As this book was written by a WS it is a good book for other WS's to read.

You must be very worried about your back, but I think you should go ahead with it. Whatever happens in the future you need to make sure you are at your strongest.

(((so lost)))


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hearbroken do H or you have a Facebook page are you worried about her contacting? If you are then if you go into Private (in the top menu) when you are logged in you can go to the bottom of the page and block her from seeing any info on you at all, she will not even know you are registered. She will never be able to send a "friend" email or anything. This also stops you from contacting her. If you want someone else to look at her page just pm me.

I'm not sure how it differs to myspace because I've never used myspace.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might have to do this in spurts because I'm so far behind in my reading.

Uk: Hope you're feeling better. I know about the shame and humilation, but really, it's his to carry, not yours. I think we carry it because we don't think they ARE. Our MC pointed that out to us the other night that I keep reminding him because I'm beating myself up about it and he doesn't appear to be. He did tell me he "lives with this every day" and I don't know if he meant my reminding him or his own shame. But he also said "I just don't dwell on it and move on." and he wishes I could too.

But I think it's mostly about choice. They chose this, so they have to accept it and move on or die. I didn't choose this, it was foisted upon me but I did choose to let him get away with it. I could have stopped it by walking out the first inkling I got of his infidelity. Instead I chose to believe because by that time my whole self-esteem was wrapped up in him. I didn't want it to be true, I wanted to believe that I hadn't made the mistake I tried so hard to avoid.... marrying a man who would do what my father did. I'm having a hard time owning what I see as my mistake... not leaving him or even marrying him in the first place.

SoLost, I too would have taken a watch and wait approach to the computer. However, confronting in a controlled manner is supposed to be the way to go. Now whether or not to believe "it's never what we think". That's a tough one.

Please just take care of yourself right now. Pain and exhaustion only magnify all this stuff and makes it all that much harder to bear. However, NOW IS the time to lean on him.

25: Oh I know what you mean. Just sitting there in the silence. You know that's just fear keeping us from speaking up. Fear of their reaction, fear they will finally "have enough" and leave, and fear that if we don't keep reminding them, they will forget we're still sad and broken.

My H told me he could "tell" I was angry at him all the time, even when I was "covering". He said it just seeps out my pores, or it will be in a certain tone or look. So he's not willing to talk to me knowing that it will just ignite into a wildfire, or end in me in tears. Neither of which are productive.

Right now, my biggest fear... is that I'll get healthy and he won't. And to stay healthy that means I will have to remove him from my life.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, Run, zanny: I'm halfway through Facing Codependence.

If the sentence ISN'T about ME, it's about H. Or about what both of us have done to our children with our polar opposite co-dependence issues.

No wonder my D can't find a way to ask for her raise. No wonder my son doesn't want to come home from school and hear how he's failed his father again. H actually told him he wanted a 4.0 GPA for his birthday. The kid's made Deans List 3 semesters so far, that's not good enough?

I'd love for H to read it. No possibility since he's like one of the first patients she treated... the one that won't admit that his self-esteem is based outside himself.

But I'll tell you I just want to jump ahead to the end now to see what to do about all this. But I know that's not how it's intended to work. And she at least had the benefit of a healthy partner to appreciate when she was acting "functional". H wouldn't recognize healthy if he hit it with the truck.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just deleted my post.Arrggghh.

***
(((SoL)))
I understand why you need H around for the immediate future, or at least until your back has fully recovered.

This must be quite a distressing time for you. You know what helps me...knowing that I have options and then I make my POA and my backup POA. That gives me some sort of grounding, and I feel less distressed.

***

((((Mum))))

Funny you should ask though because today is actually worse than yesterday

That reaction does happen more often than you think. The actual event passes in an almost unnatural calmness, and then BOOM!, it hits you from the left side.

Dont beat yourself about it, or be disappointed. This is normal. Reliving those traumatic events and actually processing what happened,is necessary and helps you heal and to take that next step.

Be kind and gentke and my favourite C word, nurturing, to your self, Mum.

***
Ukg! I had the most brilliant idea for you this morning, and I couldnt wait to tell you. Dont you dare shoot me down until you think it through.

If money is not a problem,why dont you visit with your sons in AU for a week, then tour for another week??

You said you needed to get away, so....???

There were some times when I thought that I couldnt take one step further, and I would dream about whisking myself off to some far away place for a vac (children optional ).


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little vent coming up.No response necessary.

Today is OW's bday.I was pretty fine with it today although it slipped in and out of my mind throughout the day.

H had basically f**ked around the whole day and most of last week and didnt do his work which is due tomorrow.So now he has to work throught the night to deliver.

He KNOWS that this is an issue for me (him working thru the night). He KNOWS that today is a trigger for me. Yet he still does it.

He says all he thought about her bday was that it was an "opportunity" for us to fight (interesting choice of words)and that all I would do would be to tell him how he f**ked up.

And so he goes and behaves in a manner that prompts that.

I told him that if he changes his mindset about these triggers, and instead of him seeing it as a way for us to fight or me to attack him or for him to feel bad about his f**kups, it would help ALL of us, if he saw it instead as something that hurts me or makes me feel sad, and then think of ways to make me feel better.

Just changing his mindset from making it about HIM to about ME, would make HEAPS of positive difference to us.

I know he wont break NC.I know that he no longer lurves her.
BUT I dont know if he reminisces about happier times (for him with her), about what she is doing (w/o him) or if he as regrets about ever leaving AU and his whole cake-eating setup there.

What he doesnt know is how I feel about her bday. He wouldnt ask because he sees it as an "opportunity" for me to bash him, and now I try not to share too much of myself with him, unless he asks and only then if I want to.

I know he is depressed. He has been for months. BUT he refuses to do anything about it, and there is just so far my empathy will stretch for him.

I WILL NOT sacrifice myself for this man any more. And if he is NOT willing to help himself, I cant either.

Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, my biggest fear... is that I'll get healthy and he won't. And to stay healthy that means I will have to remove him from my life

((((Weepy))))
Can I ask why you are afraid of that? I would think he would be the one afraid of getting left behind.

All the best with the EMDR this week. Please let me know how that goes. I have mentioned before that my IC doesnt think I am strong enough to deal with that yet, so I am now so curious and anxious a little about it.

***
((((25W)))))

The elephant doesnt just belong to you. Its just that you are the only one acknowledging it.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Funny  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last one from this posthog for tonight.

Anyone bored and want to check out a funny site?

http://www.myheritage.com/celebrity-face-recognition

Be in a good place otherwise the results might sting.

I got back that boy (!!) from Manson brothers and Minnie Driver. Ouch!!
And I dont look like either of them...really!

Bloody stoopid site!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum,

I can usually make it through "big days", too. It's the period after that is usually problematic for me.

Be extra gentle with yourself. Please forgive my old brain for not remembering whether you are doing IC. Are you?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
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