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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok girls (sorry guys if you're reading but this one's for the girls) - I have a question for you all.
I'm hearing a lot of self-deprecating comments on here and I'm getting upset, not with any of you particularly but with the society that has given us this cruel notion that we must be perfect.
So, let me ask each of you to be honest about something. How fucking perfect is your H? Is he the Adonis he might think he is?????? Is his body f---ing perfect????? Does he have the full head of hair, still dark and wavy or is he now balding and gray???
Does he have the six-pack of his youth or that cute little pouch we see on middle-aged men??? C'mon girls, why do we have to be the model of perfection and they get to be bald, puffy, gray, have bad breath and sweat too much and still think they can criticize us???
It makes me so furious that we women buy into this line of thinking. My H had a friend who would only date the most beautiful women (and was able to do this) and yet he was short, chubby, balding, sweaty and out of work. It was so amazing to me. Why is this possible?
Listen to what MIG said about herself, she's 5'4", trim, blond with blue eyes, attractive and that assphat of a H tries and succeeds in making her doubt her beauty and sexuality. Gimme that f---ing baseball bat, I think her H needs a wake up call!
We are so conditioned to question our lack of perfection it is infuriating.
So we have C-section scars and stretch marks - the price of bringing our beautiful children into the world. I delivered my babies naturally but my firstborn was 10 lbs., 12 oz. and let me tell you the stretch marks prove it - but guess what, I am glad for them and I smile to remember those days of my pregnancy. Like someone who wears their tatoo proudly, I wear my "tatoos" proudly too.
The only changes I resent are the lines on my face and the puffiness around my eyes that resulted due to d-day. Those I do not wear proudly.
So girls, let's try to stop putting ourselves down. So what if we are a little over our ideal weight. So what if we don't look like we did when we were 20. I am 55 years old and I work on making myself be the best I can be at this age but I'd rather spend my energy improving myself emotionally, intellectually, and compassionately (for some of you you might add professionally). Isn't this what makes us women someone to admire, respect and aspire too.
Take this recent tragedy with the NY govenor. This 22 year old woman is a WHORE for god's sake. Is she the model of perfection? No matter how perfect her body, no matter how many tricks she can pull out of her snatch, who the hell would want to be her??????
No thank you! And if that's what any one of our H's want from a woman, then let the f---er - go for it, because that just ain't me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:11 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you fnf. That was awesome!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run - Thanks - and to think I thought I was beyond the anger phase.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah FNF!!! I applaud what you're saying and it's high time we women embrace our natural beauty inside and out! It isn't about how you look at all. It's who you're being that counts. Advertisers and marketers want you to think that it's about perfection because the best way to sell shit to women is to set them into a self criticizing frenzy or to criticize them directly because this is what women respond and react to. For the love of God - we're all grown women who have been through hell and back five times over and if we're not enough now, when will we ever be? I turn a year older today and I always see my birthday as a new beginning. I was just thinking about what I wanted this next chapter to look like and so I have to thank you FNF because I just decided what it is:
I am enough
I've always been enough
I'll always be enough.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday OTC!! Celebrate the amazing woman you are and always will be. I think we should all adopt your new mantra. Let's make today a day to start really building ourselves and each other up. Enough of this societal/male-perpetuated bullshit. We are beautiful, strong and worthy!
ETA - AND ENOUGH!!!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:22 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a wonderful day, OTC.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am enough
I've always been enough
I'll always be enough.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OTC!!!

What a great thought to start your new year.

So what cake are you bringing in? Cant have a birthday without cake. Just aint right...


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How fucking perfect is your H? Is he the Adonis he might think he is?????? Is his body f---ing perfect????? Does he have the full head of hair, still dark and wavy or is he now balding and gray???

My H still wears the same size jeans he wore when we met 33+ years ago. He's lost his hair, who fucking cares?

That's my point though. We can "accept" that sex with our H's is not going to be the torrid affair, lust fest, but CAN THEY????? I am a freak I guess, I never lost that "OMG he's touching me" goosebumps with him.

Why isn't someone telling THEM that it's not going to be like being with a 22 yo professional? Why can't LOVE be fucking enough to have a satisfying sex life? Why do we have to be sexy and attractive or THEY CAN'T GET INTERESTED?

Yeah, I know it's them, but who's fucking telling them that?

No, I feel lousy about myself the way I am. Can I do something about it? I don't know any more. I just don't have the energy or commitment to work on ME and save my M at the same time. And what about the fact that I WANT SEX????? WTF do I do about that?

I'm going out tonight ladies and I really don't fucking care what happens. He can fucking LOVE me all he says he does but if he doesn't WANT me why the fuck am I here?

IC said to ask him if the problem is the intimacy or the sex. Do I really want to fucking know?

[This message edited by weepy at 9:47 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW - Happy Birthday OTC>

I think she deserves an on-the-house sea salt scrub and seaweed wrap. Hey, Ellen said it made her skin feel like a baby's bottom.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OTC!!!

Let's eat cake! Let's eat cake!

Thanks fnf for the well-deserved lecture. My H was pretty fucking close to an Adonis when he was younger (think a good looking Mel Gibson - really, not kidding) but no more. He is gray, thinning and looks like shit due to the effects of having to face who he was all those years.

I think I look pretty damn good considering all the shit I am slogging through.

The only changes I resent are the lines on my face and the puffiness around my eyes that resulted due to d-day. Those I do not wear proudly.

I agree completely. No more pity party....Let's eat cake!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brilliant post FNF.

Unlike many WH/FWHís on this site, my H never criticised my body and has always said I have taken fantastic care of myself. OW is a year older, shorter, heavier (three dress sizes bigger than me, two even b/f the Infidelity Diet), dumpy, sad-faced even when she smiles, poor hair (even tho she spends a fortune on it) and doesnít seem to bother about make up. So what did she have, apart from history? Nothing. Our standard of living is about the same. Our social circles are similar in type. Our values match, with the one exception of course. So even when Iím in my right mind and look at us side by side, the only thing I can say is she is more intelligent, ambitious and confident. And I still outweigh her in spades when I add that I am morally sound, Iíve always cared about my H, Iím a SAHM through considered choice and I think, overall a nicer person. But that didnít stop the affair.

For me, itís the effect of the betrayal. The cost of betrayal. The aftermath of betrayal. It adds up to complete loss of self worth, confidence and body image. It means loss of dignity and self respect. It means temporary loss of control in all sorts of areas. It made me question my judgments in every sense. Everything I held to be true has been trashed and devalued by him, the betrayer, so I wonder about the point of my very existence.

Yet all he had to do was take a moment. Stop. Consider. Think. But he didnít. Right now, this minute, canít wait.
*****
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OTC!!! Make it a great one! Hope youíve got your birthday badge on! Can we take the cake and have it with vino in the sun lounge? Cheers!
Btw. Might nick your mantra. Positive words. And keep saying them until I believe it.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, I know I already wished you but I want to add.

I have been thinking of how to express what your posts of support, encouragement and inspiration, as well as your own sharing of the trials and successes you have endured,( not just A-related but with life in general), have meant to me, and I cant seem to find the right way to say what I want to say.

So all I can muster up is:
Thank you.Thank you for being so caring and compassionate. For being so enthusiastic and encouraging. For being so foulmouthed and hilarious.
Amongst others.
Thank you for being you.
One Tough Cowgirl!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy hon,

IC said to ask him if the problem is the intimacy or the sex.

And for you? I'd rather have the intimacy anyday (and I'm not even gonna go there re OW. PUKE)


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FNF)))))

STELLAR POST!!!!!!!!

And out of it comes a new and very appropriate mantra"

I am enough
I've always been enough
I'll always be enough.

I love this put into words because as we all know here..

**** LTAs are all about their inability to handle "normal" let alone, in-house quality. ***

I refuse to let his inability to handle the "normal" of life become my interpretation of me.

Scars, stretch marks, baby pooches, lower boobs, butts, etc....ehhh...all outside "normal" proof of living past 35.

Happy, Happy Day, cowgirl !!!
Spend it doing whatever the hell you want.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OTC!!!!!!!! I hope you celebrate in Cowgirl style!

As to all the discussions about bodies and aging, I've got one thing to say: I EARNED every single wrinkle, scar, and stretch mark on this body. The stretch marks came from laboring three babies, only two of which I get to raise here on earth. Each wrinkle is a line of experience and wisdom. So, do I need to take better care of my body? Yep. But I refuse to make anyone else make me feel badly about it. And all of you wonderful women have life stories that go behind the exterior of your bodies. That is what makes us who we are. And

each one
of you here are beautiful.

HUGS To all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, itís the effect of the betrayal. The cost of betrayal. The aftermath of betrayal. It adds up to complete loss of self worth, confidence and body image. It means loss of dignity and self respect. It means temporary loss of control in all sorts of areas. It made me question my judgments in every sense. Everything I held to be true has been trashed and devalued by him, the betrayer, so I wonder about the point of my very existence.

UKGirl, I can only plead with you not to allow his betrayal to make you doubt your self-worth. His betrayal is about his lack of self-worth, his low self-esteem, his issues. We cannot, must not, allow ourselves to interpret their lack of moral character as a lack of worthiness on our part. Please, please, please don't let yourself go down this road. It is a reflection ONLY of their lack of dignity, self-respect and self-worth. Yes, it does make us question our judgment, how can it not? We totally trusted them and now we have lost faith in our ability to trust our own judgment. This I completely agree with. I had always thought I was very intuitive - not any more. And I worry that I have become cynical and suspicious of everyone and their motives. I hate this. This is the aftermath for me of my H's LTA. I work on this because I don't want to go through my life not being able to believe in others' goodness.
And please don't wonder about the point of your existence. If your H died tomorrow, if any of our H's died tomorrow, we would still have so much to live for, so many people to love and care for and to be loved and cared by. You know this! So, before I start sounding like I'm spouting another lecture , I will leave you with OTC's beautiful mantra.
I am enough
I've always been enough
I'll always be enough.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy birthday OTC! Many More!


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday OTC, hope you have a lovely day.

Do you know what's sad is that most of our H's would probably agree with the I am enough mantra about us (when they're out of the fog) it's us that don't, society really does a job on women and then we carry on doing a job on ourselves. I certainly know that is true for me. I feel the same way you do UKg and for my H that is what he feels most bad about. He HATES that I'm this way now and that he did it.

I want it to stop. But it just seems to carry on. I was in SI's neck of the woods (US) at the weekend and we were in a restaurant where there were two balding middle aged men with two overly glamourous 30ish women and I just couldn't help thinking that they were being paid to be there or there was something going on. Maybe I was wrong, but I have a feeling I wasn't. H hates that I think that way now and that he was responsible for it. It's almost a game for me - let's spot the cheaters. Sad sad sad.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got to get this in first. I have just finished burning all our love letters. Every one. Gone. I have been wanting to do that for so long, but knew that, until I could do it without reading them, it would have to wait. My face is now bright red from the flames. Weíve got an open fire, so I raked over the ashes and set fire to them one by one. Glimpses of text only. All our courtship from when he started work in Jan78 to spring/summer 1980. A few cards. I have kept the one he gave me on my 21st. But thatís all.

Feels okay. Just thought Iíd tell yíall.

FNF. That was how I felt until soon after NYear. Until some point, (oh I dunno, mid Jan?) that was EXACTLY how I felt. The rug had been yanked out from under my feet and my head and heart got smashed on the marble hearth. I was there for so long b/c until DDay my life was trogging along just fine. I really donít think his death would have caused me more pain. Except it would, b/c OW would have turned up and I would have unanswered Qís. That would have been worse. And yes, the thought had occurred to him.

Just think how Carolyn Todd must be feeling.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3546380.ece
If the link doesnít work, google Manchester Chief of Police Michael Todd.
Happens here too. Oh, and an MP has resigned due to the old usual.

OTC Ė Another piece of cake?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just finished the story about Michael Todd. After reading the article where it said he just told his wife a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but wonder if he was too much of a coward to stand up to his wife's grief and the consequences of his multiple A's as well as his LTA with Mrs. Robinson (appropriate name btw).
The more I learn about men, personally and on a global level, the more convinced I am that like the movie title goes, there are only A Few Good Men. Is it any wonder we stay and try to work on our M's? What the hell is out there if we go. More of the same if we look all around us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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