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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies, I appreciate everything. You guys aren't the first to suggest a sex therapist. I didn't even mention that he told me "I'm the only one keeping track of when we have sex."

mig, man do they say the dumbest things. And the things he said will be with me forever too. Every single fault he found in me he exaggerated to "make his case" for OW.

I made the mistake of watching some of the tv shows this morning where they interviewed "high class" hookers. (Can't believe they actually SAID that). Just as background on the Spitzer thing... you know... who "was" this woman. Does it MATTER?

I can only hope that since the whores they interviewed were $1000 an hour women that his were 10x uglier and 10x coarser than them. I must be some kind of masochist I can't believe I sat there through the interview. It's on line if you want to see it... msnbc. She calls herself a "ho"fessional.

If Ds wasn't home and we didn't have company, I"d have moved into his bedroom last night after that. He'll deny saying it at MC. Say I "misheard" again. Or made it all up. I'm not saying a thing in session. Not one word. Well, after I ask if she thinks she's equipped to handle sex therapy.

I'm NOT going to accept it. He either fixes it or I'm done. I do not want to be roommates with him, we've had this discussion before. I refuse to cry and if my IC makes me tonight I'll kick her ass too.

[This message edited by weepy at 2:08 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every single fault he found in me he exaggerated to "make his case" for OW.

OMG. Tell me what I donít know.

I must be some kind of masochist

No, itís called rubber-necking. You canít believe what youíre seeing. So you keep on looking. Yep, itís a wreck alright. And wow, can you believe people were driving so close that they couldnít avoid the pile-up Ö.. now copy and paste that onto our LTA experiences. Weíre all gawping at the stupidity of it all.

Stay strong, only cry if it makes you feel better.

Sorry, Iím still grinning from ear to ear!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weíre all gawping at the stupidity of it all.

More like the stupidity of THEM. My supposedly intelligent, Ivy League college and business school graduate was stoooopid enough to believe that *no one* at his company knew that he was having an affair with a woman in the office despite the fact that they left A LOT together to go fuck in the car at lunch. No, idiot, nobody noticed that pattern over seven fucking years. Can you even believe how fucking naive he was?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Is it possible that his aversion to sex has nothing at all to do with you?

Your H is telling you that he has things in his mind that have affected his desire for sex. And is that really so hard to believe? He is in IC and MC and really looking at himself for the first time. Can you just imagine trying to cope if you had done the things he has? If you had linked your sexuality to such destructive/repulsive acts can't you see how the whole realm of sexuality might be a trigger-field for you? Especially if you are questioning yourself and your life and your upbringing for the first time in your long life?

Can you see how his sexuality could possibly be problematic for him completely apart from you? I know that's hard for someone who is so enmeshed to visualize such separateness. But it is very possible, I think, that this aversion to sex is part of the response to his dysfunctional sex life of the past and so separate and apart from you.

If you send him to IC and MC and want him to work through his shit, this might be a necessary phase on the way to a "normal" attitude toward sex, intimacy and love.

Maybe what your marriage needs right now is grace and space from you for him to work out his shit while you work out yours.

BT

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 2:49 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you even believe how fucking naive he was?

I take it that was rhetorical. They're all fucking stupid. I'm off to root around in the freezer and find some dinner. (still laughing at her tho'!)_

Hey LostH. Hope your day went well.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents, I think your H is afraid of you and your sexuality

Hmm, just heard a bell go off HS, very,very interesting thought.esp remembering that although i was the virgin he was the uptight one i have always been highly sexual but any advances or attempts to experiment he dismissed or brushed me off, while he would still insist to this day he thought i acted like a "good girl" perhaps there was a whole lot more going on there. Jeeze HS , the more i think back the more i believe you really hit on something there. WOW.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is in IC and MC and really looking at himself for the first time

And that's the assumption isn't it? But who knows? Not me, not you, not our MC.

His IC says it's fine, no problem, well it is.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, beautifully expressed as always. Wasn't sure what I was trying to say in my clumsy way, but you said it. I've been trying to say "back off, there's a reason for this", but you vocalised it. Thanks BT. To remove himself before he can come back. Clean the slate. Makes perfect sense.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, UK.



D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeeze HS , the more i think back the more i believe you really hit on something there. WOW.

Maybe you could spend some time on this with a MC or some other counselor and see if anything breaks. Obviously a sensitive subject. If there is one thing I have learned in life is that strong intelligent sexy women scare the shit out of a lot of men. The big boys on Wall Street crumble in the face of a woman who can think AND wear heels at the same time.

I actually think this might be one of the reasons that my H strayed as much as he did. I KNOW he was intimidated by me, he told me so. But I think he may have been afraid of that combined with my sexuality. Too bad 'cause he ain't gettin' any right now.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry I dont do the spitting thing but I sure would stomp if I wasnt so so so tired.

I see there has been a few light bulb moments here.
Great!Yay Tribe.


Weepy, BT might be onto something here. Apart from the sex, can you see that he has been making small breakthroughs in other areas?
I was quite chuffed with the way you both handled the night before he left for the weekend.
I can only imagine how frustrated you are, but hold on a little longer Weepy.
Spend this time on getting to know you. I have been pushing you to start something this year, something that is just for you. Until you start working again, use this freedom wisely.
So come on Weepy, what are you going to do with this time (and btw, this might also keep you distracted from H)?

***
HEy Ukg.
Wonder what your H will say when he notices his profile doesnt exist.
H took his off not long after dday2. I didnt ask. Mine is still on but I have nothing to hide.

***
Mig, you are sounding alot better.

I also have the c/s scars (4xc/s over a 5 years ), and the stretch marks and the saggy boobs from breastfeeding 3 children and the bum and thighs.
I look in the mirror and I sometimes dont recognise myself.

But I am getting used to it. I have hated my body all my life. And now, I am thinking maybe I aint so hot on the outside, but damn!I am smoking on the inside!!

I am sorry though that you had to hear all those things.But like you said, you knew it inside anyway.
Still, ((((MIG)))))

***

Can you even believe how fucking naive he was?

Oh Shirley, dont get me started!
These 2 asshats (H and OW) went to the local hotel which is literally around the corner from their office; they went to a near mall often which is near to her house; they went to their carpark to make out..like someone didnt notice??!
Such stupidity!
He probably thought that he was so clever getting away with it. Most prob though, they just didnt think, or worse just got off on the danger. Stupid f**ktards!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope the rest of the Tribe is doing well.

Hi to you too Mother Goose.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have the c/s scars (4xc/s over a 5 years), and the stretch marks and the saggy boobs from breast-feeding 3 children and the bum and thighs.
I look in the mirror and I sometimes dont recognise myself.

Count me in for the C/S group (3 c/s between 1976 & 1980)... I too have the scars, boobs, butt & thighs to match! I'm not keen on being seen naked. My H hasn't commented or behaved any different before or after the A, so how would I know what he's thinking? I am trying to lose weight and get fit for my own health. But it would be nice if he noticed sometimes. I've never been confident about my looks even when I weighed 110 lbs. (I'm 5'2") Really didn't need the A to add to the self-esteem issues since leaving my full-time job due to health issues.

Working on acceptance...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
raincloud
♀ Member
Member # 14936
Helpless  Posted: 8:38 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone....I just needed to let out some steam.

Yesterday I had this grand idea...let me check myspace and see if OW has a page....she does, and the greeting picture is one of her and my husband. They have been in NC for at least a year now. But now I'm full of questions.

D-day was in summer of 2006, being a long-term affair it took a while for no contact to be in full effect, but it happened...or did it? I feel like I'm letting the waters drown me again...this sooo sucks!!!!

[This message edited by raincloud at 11:22 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


BS
D-Day July 2006...LTA, so lots of drama afterwards...I don't like drama

time is helping to heal the wounds and we are working hard to mend our relationship


Posts: 835 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
raincloud
♀ Member
Member # 14936
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we aren't supposed to vent here...so if my previous post is to "venty" let me know.....I just need some encouragement.


BS
D-Day July 2006...LTA, so lots of drama afterwards...I don't like drama

time is helping to heal the wounds and we are working hard to mend our relationship


Posts: 835 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Raincloud))))

I don't think anyone in this group (of all of 'em) would view you as too venty! We all have our moments in here... and well, sometimes I even live vicariously through some of those...

LOTS of hurt here, I see that. I've been so busy it is hard to keep up with this group. But add me to the persons who TRIGGERED hard with the whole Spitzer scandal. It makes me SO made for the BS to be "victimized" and for all those people out there who are automatically judging... "leave the rat bastard".... UGH... That was ME before I was a BS. Damn it, it's just as hard or harder to stick around and try to reconcile and/or even forgive after a betrayal. Then to be ridiculed by society, too? That's why this TRIBE is invaluable. IRL, it is just dangerous waters. Sad, but true. I hope someday that changes. Anyway, guess I had something to say about this, huh?

Sending you all positive thoughts and that each of you are taking one day at a time, getting through, and focusing on doing things to be good to yourselves.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me to open up? Good morning!

the greeting picture is one of her and my husband.

WHY did your H let her take a pic of them both? And WHY has she got it on myspace? What do you think sheís trying to say Ė hereís me and my bf? Unbelievably immature springs to mind. Stupid girl.
And Rain, if thatís a vent, you obviously havenít read mine or some of the others here Ė yours was a squeak!!!

leave the rat bastard".... UGH... That was ME before I was a BS.

Oh HB. Me too. Smug married. Until being thwacked with the infidelity bat until I was completely broken.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
raincloud
♀ Member
Member # 14936
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone...I got more sleep last night than I thought I would.

I took a stand and contacted myspace to have the pics taken down....told them it was a violation of my family's privacy...we'll see what they tell me about that.

I kind of felt foolish for doing that, but we have friends and relatives with pages on myspace. Any input?

I seem to be thinking more clearly today....


BS
D-Day July 2006...LTA, so lots of drama afterwards...I don't like drama

time is helping to heal the wounds and we are working hard to mend our relationship


Posts: 835 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain, that was a great idea I think. Keeps NC in place and protects your family.

hb, I still struggle with that. That's the way it's done around here (not SI, but my family). It's probably true in my case. I should have left him, should have kicked him out. Maybe he would have gotten the jolt he needed. But because he's so shut down emotionally, maybe not.

IC told me last night I need to spend a lot less time worrying about his dick... where it's been, what he's doing with it now. She asked me if I thought he was cheating. I said no. She then asked if I thought he wanted to. I said "I don't know", but in reality, I think yes. I think if the situation presented itself that this time I would truly NEVER KNOW, like the City Slickers scenario... a beautiful space traveler... he do it in a second, to "relieve the stress".

She told me that men do sometimes shut down sexually if they're under stress. Well, my H's past suggests he does it MORE when he's stressed. I told her at that point I didn't care if it backed up out of his ears, he wasn't getting that "release" from me if that's all it was. I'm not interested in being used like a whore.

And knowing him the way I do, he'll never go into his IC session and discuss his sexual problems. I'm going ot look at our insurance and see if it covers sex therapy.

But today I have to take care of DS who had emergency mouth surgery yesterday, go food shopping, take DD to her drs. appt and I'm going out with friends tonight. DD will be out and if DS and his GF go out, H will have the house to himself for the first time in weeks... I'll have to check his email before I leave to make sure his buddy hasn't sent him a little something and finally remove the VS catalog from his drawer. I don't think there's any more "porn" around unless he brought some back from the mountains.

Gonna run now. Think I'll hit the gym before I do anything else today.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD MORNING,

I just wanted to wish everyone a great St. Patty's Day weekend.
Today when I leave work I'm gonna go home and pack for our camping weekend. It is suppose to rain.... guess we will have to find something to do inside!!!
I spent the day at my sons new house scraping wallpaper off of one of 4 rooms...UGH! Isn't it funny how we enjoy working at someone else's house more than our own, go figure.
Hoping that I come home and read that things have been better for everyone. I will keep everyone in my thoughts. Lets remember that we are all worthy of love and it's our WS's loss if they can't see that. Even with all of our flaws and scars... and yes, I too have those lovely C-section scars. Got them bringing my wonderful son into this world, and I know that my WS see's them and realizes that! Besides, WS has his own scars as well, and some are much worse than mine.... especially the emotional ones!!!
Stay strong, love yourself, and enjoy the weekend...


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
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