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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostheart - you were posting when I was. Come on, bring on the 2x4's. I can take it

Hbh.

I think I missed something. Pls forgive my faulty memory. Has NC not been established?

I know it is hard to R with this, but until I see that WS is truely doing the work needed for R, I am keeping the f**cking anger!!!!

Good for you. R only works with 2 people. So until then, protect your heart.

I want to see some real effort. MC, no contact, and full disclosure!!! I want it, I need it and I DESERVE IT!!!

Hbh, you registered in May 07, so I am going to assume your dday was around then.Its been almost 9 months. Has your H not met any of your conditions of R? What then was the consequence?
With us, I gave H 1 year to prove that he was capable of change. He did make many changes, not perfect, but good enough for me to see that this M was worth a good shot at R.

So whats happening in your M, with some 2+ months left to go till 1 year antiv?
Again, please forgive my memory.

***
Fnf, thanks for the link.Will def check it out.

***
Mig, now dont you feel shy to tell us how you really feel.
LEt it all out Mig. Its just not the same when we say it to just to ourselves.

As for the mall experience,
I try to ignore them, just focus on me me me.

If all else fails, I grab a absorbing book, a huge bar of choc, some crisps, cup of tea, biskies and head for bed.Some days are just crappers, no matter what, so best to stay in bed.

((((MIG))))

****
Ok, now I need some thoughts.
Remember when I said that I divided the world into good women and bad women and IC thought I was being too black and white etc?
She brought it up again, and is worried that I am denying my sexuality. She said that I will also miss out on alot with this attitude, that there are many people out there with alot to offer me and me them but I will always see everyone as a threat until proven otherwise.
So I told her that I see me and my kids in a walled off area. Some people are allowed in the outer sanctum like my sisters and BIL and mum. Sometimes H is in the inner sanctum and other times he is not. The rest of the world is on the outside unless proven otherwise.
What is so wrong with this?
She said that I cannot live the rest of my life expecting the world to hurt me. I said how can I not?
So we disagreed. Mmmm..thoughts anyone?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mig, thanks. Sort of better. Focussed maybe. Out of love? could be. That one is hard. I fancied the pants of him when I saw him loping along the beach promenade when I was just 19. I was a student and thought heíd do as a summer romance/shagpiece. Oh well.

BT, Trouble is, I see Jim Carrey as Fletcher in Liar, Liar and I think of my H!!! Anyone else do that?? He has spent his whole f*cking life lying. Heís a salesman!! Of course he lies!! He is so used to putting on a diff face for every set of circumstances he probably doesnít know who he is anymore!

I could find another IC, cash is not a prob, but itís finding the right one. Ok. Hear what youíre saying. Iíll ask around or google. Current MC/IC is not precious, so she wonít mind.

I hope I use anger constructively. I find it really hard to let out the fury. He knows when itís bad b/c itís so unusual. So far, I have whacked a dinner plate until it broke, screamed down the phone at him twice, beaten his chest a few times and gone retail therapy lots!! I get angry and I get in my car and drive off, and the way I drive right now concerns him. Itís fast. Itís really fast. Good job Iíve got my advanced driving cert, although if I get caught, Iíll have to retake it. I career around like an off-road rally driver these days. I have a 3litre Subaru and I use EVERY cc! (OW? Top of the range Audi TT convertible. Suits her) I nearly threw a wine glass at him last night, does that count?

Hey weepy,
"But damn the thought of dressing and actually looking presentable by 8 AM just doesn't appeal, you know?"

Youíre at the spa! You should just be thinking about
breakfast at 8am and what treatments youíre gonna get today! Thought I might book in for one of those sea salt scrubs tomorrow, waddaya think?

Oh, Shirley,

Again, he is doing everything "right". He takes it, he bears it, he doesn't argue or fight back. Half the time he just looks really, really sad and says "you are right" or "yes, that is what I did, I can't believe it either". I know some of you are frustrated because your H's aren't as remorseful as they could be. Well, just so you know, I am frustrated because he IS so remorseful. Part of me wants him to keep being an asshole so it would be easier just to throw him out and end it all. With him as remorseful as he is and with him working on himself as hard as he is, I can't just say "that's it" - at least not yet.

Got that too, but I still want to beat the shit out of him. Take him by the collar and say ďhow could you f*cking DO this you selfish posĒ. Fucktards, fuckwits, fuck-whatevers.

FWHís bf and I had a looooong conversation today, mostly about how my H wonít open up. His bf has BEEN there and got Díd b/c of his A and how they couldnít put his A where it belonged Ė in the trash. But his A was weeks, not years and he canít understand why my H canít just be honest. Heís seeing both sides, I guess. But he wishes H would TALK to him. >sigh<

Ok. 8.30pm and I've not eaten all day. Altho I do have some nice shopping. What's on the menu tonight? And who ate all the petit fours?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:36 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am denying my sexuality

Sícuse me? Your H has two LTAís and you have a problem with your sexuality. Letís just think about this. YOUR spouse goes off OUTSIDE the M to cultivate EM/PM and YOU have a problem? How can any of us feel sexually attractive when our WSís look elsewhere? HEís the problem, not you. JMHO.

Okay. Dinner, before I faint.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ukg.

Why havent you eaten? Who are you punishing?
And dont tell me that you didnt come across any cafes!

Come on Ukg! Dont take this anger out on yourself. BTDT. Only you lose.
You TAKE care of yourself.
(Which reminds me to remind FSA about eating as well.)

And really Ukg, who gives a flying fuck what car that woman drives.

You are worrying me now.
No eating and fast driving.Not good.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think she meant it that way (re sexuality).
I think she meant more that I find overtly sexual women scary and a threat.
honestly I do. I dont like them.What does it mean?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it means you've been fucked over.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf, I havent heard of Martine McBride before. She writes some strong lyrics, though I dont care for some of them that I just read , esp the one from an OW waiting for the WH to give up his W.

Anyhow, these lyrics did speak to me. Here it is for the rest of you.

You think I'm always makin'
Something out of nothin'
you're sayin' everything's okay
You've always got an answer
Before I ask the question
Whatever you say

Now we can change the subject
Pretend I never brought it up
Same old story anyway
Later we can work it out
Right now you're talked out
Yeah, whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But i'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'
But there's somthing missin'
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn't leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don't hear I love you
In whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But i'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'
But there's somthing missin'
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

Oh whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say
Whatever you say
Whatever you say



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the way I drive right now concerns him. Itís fast. Itís really fast.

Oh UKGIRLLLLL... I loooovvve driving waaaaay too fast. Maybe you could come stateside and we could go to this driving course in CT where you get to drive Beemers at like 140mph. I may start going for my pilot's license in the spring. Only way I know to go faster!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes, LostH, which song is that? I thought I knew all of her songs and never heard one with lyrics that might suggest she's an OW. I love her music and saw her in concert and now I'm a huge fan. I'll make sure NEVER to listen to the one you saw.
How'd you like Whatever you say?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS? You decide.

Fallen Sarah McLachlan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W3ck3HpewE

Heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I have messed up
Better I should know so don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals
The lonely light of morning the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I have messed up
Better I should know so don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand, nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed, pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step, you'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low, I have messed up
Better I should know so don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...


Okay. Enough!! Someone find something uplifting. Other than Kelis "I hate you right now". AAARRRGHGGHHHH! Brill!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoYXzFblq6g
Ha, ha, ha, bwhaaaaaa! (sorry ) nite nite!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:34 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, should we be confessing here? Those cameras are everywhere ......


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK,

If it comes down to a choice between taking your anger out on him, or taking it out on yourself, pick him.

Seriously. Eat something.

A good IC is better than shopping, believe it or not. Look hard and find a good one. You deserve it.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it comes down to a choice between taking your anger out on him, or taking it out on yourself, pick him.

I second BT. Maybe LostH could give you coffee throwing lessons!

Okay, I am going to be perfectly honest here. Is a justifiable reason for staying in a marriage the following: because I like my life. I have it pretty good and I really don't want that to change. Sounds spoiled and selfish but I feel that way. I can see if my H wasn't remorseful or was still fucking around how it would be different but is it just completely shallow to want this to stay the way it is? And, not just for the kids, but for me?

I'm ready....pile on....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKg You need to eat girl! I didn't eat until 3p today and I felt awful. I did 12 hr fast for blood work but slept til noon (very ususal) I got to the lab after 1p (it was closed over the noon hour). By the time I got home I was headachey and feeling yucky.

Welcome to the newbie. Hope you soon feel up to posting.

Anger has been my companion this week but now I am just missing my H. He tells me he wants to be home to work on us. I hope he means it.

HurtS I'm all for what is good for you and your kids. If FWH is trying, you may find your anger fades and life will be easier. Call me hopeful. {{{HurtS}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart, UKGirl, Numb&Scared, Mindisgone, and Weepy,
Whew..... thanks to all for the welcome.


My WS had an A for almost 2 1/2 years. For quite awhile I honestly did not have a clue. WS is a cop and has always worked alot of hours, shift work, and part-time jobs. I was fortunate to stay home and raise my kids till the youngest was around 8. Then I worked part-time only.
The major problem in our marriage was WS job.... it is a whole other life style, but more on that later.
I had that "gut" feeling that something wasn't right, but WS made me feel like I was crazy and said there wasn't anything going on. At the same time he was lying to the OW as well. Eventually OW called me and set the ball in motion.... I packed WS stuff in plastic trash bags and threw them on the lawn. When he came home I told him I was thru. He left and was gone for a couple of weeks. He called and wanted to talk... said he was sorry and wasn't going to see her anymore. The first R started at that time, but the OW would'nt give up that easily... we were doing great and it had been almost a year.
D-day 2.... just days before our 26th wedding anniversary. They had been talking and WS says they saw each other a couple of times... OW said that they had sex, and if I kept WS happy at home then he wouldn't come to her!!! What a BITCH.
I had kept a calendar of where and when WS was during the year. He had very LITTLE time to see her. For some reason I was pretty calm. WS wasn't really into her... he had stupidly talked to her when she called him at work. One thing led to another. WS says no sex this last time and I believe him.
We are doing MC and WS has IC next time. Our counselor is pretty good, so we'll see how that goes. MY WS knows that there is no future if the OW returns.
Our 2nd R started 10-12-07. Things seem very different this time around.
Thats about it.... I am actually pretty happy right now. I have chosen to move past the anger. It takes too much energy and time to be angry. Life is too short, and I amm living my life in the here and now, and letting the future take care of itself.
OK.... done for now.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Martina's concert was on our PBS station tonight. I told H to leave it on as he was channel surfing, but he says he's not into country. Although he listened to a lot of it while he was working with the last firm. He said his partner played it all day long.

He was pretty quick with the remote skipping right over the channel, even. Makes me wonder who was really the country fan... and maybe he knows some of her songs. I'll have to ask.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Loving, I am not around much, but try to keep up on all new members to the tribe.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have just be given the news I'm going to be a GRANDMA! Shotgun wedding of course It feels strange - now I'll have more to worry about, maybe this next 9 months will help me focus on the good things I have in my life and not the horrible things that have happened to me.

My h and my mil want me to go to church with them on sunday. I don't want to go, and I have told my h that several times. I attended church on Wed night (prayer service), Sunday Morning (sunday school & worship), Friday Morning bible study with the married women of the church, not to mention all the saturdays for youth activities.

I knew in my heart what was going on, I prayed so hard that it wasn't, but it didn't do me any good, it still happened. My mil DOESN'T know what happened, so I don't have any answers to give her why I don't want to go. I so hate being painted into a corner. grrr


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI congratulations on the grandbaby. Life just keeps moving on doesnt' it?

I don't understand what the issue is about church though. Is it that you don't want to miss your own church activites or is there something about MIL or putting on the "front" that bothers you?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have not posted in a while wanted to offer the LTA Tribe hugs (((LTA Tribe)))

I am struggling right now. How can anybody do this to us?

Is it really survivable or are you forever a shell of your former self?

My poor daughter

Wow life sucks!

Sorry for the negative post just venting.

Wishing all the best to you all!

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 9:55 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty - sorry you're on the down side of the roller coaster. They are selfish and don't care about anyone but themselves at the time they are doing these things to us. They feel entitled.

Weepy - I don't want to go to church - I guess I didn't say it very well.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
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