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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum:

There often is a let down when you have fought a tough battle and won. After the bullets have stopped flying and the dust has cleared, it's like an anti-climax. And make no mistake, you had a fight on your hands to keep your family together and you did win.

I think the adrenalin that comes from the battle and the fight itself kept you from feeling the bone-deep sadness until now. But you have to feel that, you have to mourn what was lost to move beyond it.

I would urge you to not rush through this. Go ahead and feel what you are feeling rather than trying to stuff it. So you spend a few days in bed or without makeup. So f'ing what.

Honor your feelings. I know there is a fine line between doing that and wallowing, but I don't think you're even close to that. I think you are going through the normal feelings of grief that any one of the rest of us has felt. Allow yourself to feel them. Get it over with now and then you can really move on. Feelings don't allow themselves to be denied. We may try to deny them in the moment, but they eventually come back, sometimes in the form of resentment, or in physical ailments, or in motivations to act out in damaging ways.

Screw the stiff upper lip, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and all that other soul-denying crapola. Feel what you're feeling until you are ready to move on. That way you will really be able to.

BT

Edited because I forgot to say how wonderful it is that your sister has made it to step one. I'm keeping her in my prayers.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 10:37 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck to you, Lost my friend.

((((((((((25)))))))))))

I have often said that same thing to my H. It's scary that you got that post from the wayward section--so does that mean it's written by a wayward? At least it's honest--and real.

YAY MUM!!! <<<clapping hands>>> That is very exciting. I hope it all works out for her.

((((((((svs)))))))))

Haven't "seen" you for a while--hope you are doing well.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run, it was written by a wayward--not necessarily saying that's why she's R'ing, but talking about the necessity of evaluating where one stands. You're right, it was honest and real.

It's late here, most of you are snoozing away. Hugs to all the tribe.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, already had a piece of very good news this morning, my sister has had a positive pregnancy test!

Congratulations Mum - that is by far the best news I've heard in a while. My prayers and best wishes go out to your sister for a safe and healthy pregnancy.
You have given her an incredible gift. It is the most touching story I've ever read here on SI.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF and everyone else who sent their congratulations. Fingers crossed it will be ok. As I mentioned before the stats for this pregnancy continuing are not the best, but we can only hope.

My sister announced it in such a wonderful way to my family, as you all know it was mother's day here yesterday and me and all three sisters were at my mum's with the six grandchildren as well (and our h's) which is quite a houseful and we'd all given cards to mum etc. and my pregnant sister walked up to my mum and said "Happy Mother's day" and handed my mum the pregnancy test showing a positive! It took mum a couple of seconds to realise what my sister had given her and then all pandemonium broke loose! My poor DD didn't understand and kept saying what has Auntie XX done, what's happening mummy! It was really really lovely, my sister has been waiting years for this and really had seen the egg donoring as her very last chance. She has never got as far as even a positive pregnancy test before, so although we are all trying to be very circumspect about the whole thing, it really is an exciting but worrying time for her.

It's funny I thought I might feel some kind of attachment, but I don't, I feel the same as I did when one of my other sisters announced they were pregnant. As I told my sister I interfere with my nieces and nephew anyway what makes her think her child would be any different?

Although when my son ran out of the room cackling like some sort of demonic being yesterday I did apologise to my sister and her H now for any genetic issues that result in this baby and my BIL hit back, "We're assuming that side of DS came from your H"

(They all know about LTA, even H had the good grace to laugh as it was very funny)

So a good day in my household yesterday.

Makes a nice change.

Don't we miss Lost H on here at this time of day?

Hope work is going well Lost.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Everybody - missed you this weekend.

Lost - sorry I wasn't hear to see you off for your first day. Hope it went well. Give us an update when you get home.

Mum - that is such great news about your sister. We are all keeping all of our fingers crossed for her. Hope it holds. You are such a saint to help her in this way.

A quick update on the weekend: the spoiling part was great - can complain about nice hotels, pedicures and dinners out with friends. Surprisingly for me, it was very, very hard and very painful to be there with them. These are women I have known since all the men went to business school together so we have been friends for 20 years. Only 2 of them had any idea that my H and I were struggling before this weekend. I gave the rest of them heads up the day before the trip. However, I think when they saw me and the pain I was in they knew that something pretty significant had happened. I don't know about the rest of you, but having friends IRL be there with me made this whole stinking situation more "real". It has taken me 7 months to finalize realize what the hell has happened. Unfortunately, it has also taken that long for me to realize that it doesn't matter if my H loves me, is horribly and desperately sorry and would do anything to help. It just doesn't matter. What is done, is done and now the question is can I move past it.

Now I know from reading here that I have no choice but to move past it. The question is: do I move past it with him? Right now, the answer is no. He made the choices, he can live with the consequences. I have no place for him in my heart now. I have to decide what this really, truly means for the kids. Are they actually better if we are apart? He is in Asia this week on business so I don't have to be around him at all. We will see how that feels.

Hugs to all that are struggling and Kudos to those that are not.

E: fixing typos again

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:54 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my sister has had a positive pregnancy test
So hooray for that, maybe her baby can mark my rebirth or something like that
"

mum,

Wonderful News !!!

What an incredible bond you and your sister have this lifetime....

Also love your suggestion that this new soul is heralding a new cycle of your path. As the saying goes..."from your mouth to God's ears......."


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, Do you think you might be flat plaining? This just ďI donít give a sh*tĒ could be that youíre moving onto it. Iíve felt like that for some weeks now. Sometimes I think ďjust who the f*ck are youĒ and Iím angry and disappointed in him and then angry at myself for not seeing it and angry that it went on for so long, that he continues to minimise it all, that he has the damn nerve to tell me he was never going to leave me and I just think he was cake eating and this is all so unfair and then I just go ďf*ck itĒ and take the whole issue and throw it out of the window where I donít have to look at it saying ďI donít need you, I donít want you, I donít respect you, I donít trust you, I donít love you. You are nothing but an apology for a human being.Ē All that goes through me in less time than it takes to read this post. And then I feel flat, sad and just nothing. Donít care.

Iím late for the gym. And then thereís the catch up from my ďday offĒ yesterday. Yep, the washing, ironing, bed making, kitchen clearing was still there for me!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick pop in here to say hi.

Mum, great news with your sister. I loved the story about telling the family. How touching! Fingers crossed for a healthy and successful pregnancy for your her.

((((Shirley)))) Glad to hear you had the support and comfort of good friends over the weekend. Your feelings are quite justified and warranted. We've all been there. The crossroads of staying in the M or leaving it. The damage may well be irreversible, but time my friend. Give it more time. Seven months is not enough IMO. I could barely speak my own name at seven months let alone make a rational decision. At two years out I'm just feeling like I'm back in my skin again and able to be solid and rational in my thinking. There does come a time where you'll have to decide if you can even open to loving him again but you're still a way from that time IMO. If you decide to go for it a whole new love needs to be established because what was before was not real and cannot be considered a foundational love to build upon. Anyhow, hugs to you. The crossroads are a tough place to be.

OK, for everyone, I shared an expression that kept me chosing ME all along while I was healing with a dear one this morning and wanted to pass it along to all of you. It kept me chosing to move through the pain and into healing without getting stuck for too long. So here it is:
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

I know we have all been dealt an enormous blow that gives us plenty of justification for suffering but suffering can become a continous loop that in itself becomes a prison.

Just wanted to share this in case it can help any of you like it did me.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC - thanks for your words of comfort. If it were not for this site, our marriage would already be over. You guys are the ones who have encouraged me to give it more time. I see your struggles and your successes and I see how long it took you to get to a place where a rational, not emotional, decision can be made. But this is where I am now. I am angry. I am bitter. I hate him for never considering what his actions would do to me. I hate him even more for even allowing our children to be born knowing what he was doing and what they may have to go through one day. I hate that he was that selfish, that self-centered, that consumed with only himself. That I mattered not a whit.

If you decide to go for it a whole new love needs to be established because what was before was not real and cannot be considered a foundational love to build upon.

OTC - this is it exactly. We did not have

anything
. I am not dealing with just two LTAs; I am learning that my entire marriage was a sham. He was never committed to me at all. Never honored, never protected and certainly was never faithful - ever.

It is so weird to see him crying and begging and telling me that he will do anything and I just couldn't give a flying fuck about him. Sorry about the language but this is the place I am.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, OTC. Of course, that is so right.

Surprisingly for me, it was very, very hard and very painful to be there with them.

((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))

Oh, hon...I know exactly what you mean by this. I'm sorry it hurt you so much.

Have you had the opportunity to meet one of us IRL? If you find you are near anyone--take the opportunity. I can't put into words how incredible a feeling it is to be in the company of someone who "knows". There is none of that sad feeling of: "My life will never again be like theirs." or "They all feel pity for me." It really is amazing, and something that helped me tremendously.

It has taken me 7 months to finalize realize what the hell has happened. Unfortunately, it has also taken that long for me to realize that it doesn't matter if my H loves me, is horribly and desperately sorry and would do anything to help. It just doesn't matter. What is done, is done and now the question is can I move past it.

I remember finally getting to this point. And BTW, you're two months ahead of me there--I didn't get to that point until 9 months out or so. After that realization, I hit my lowest point and finally went and got on ADs. Watch yourself, and take care of yourself--especially now. It's a hard realization. But the good news is, you won't be stuck in a pattern of wishing it was different all the time. Acceptance, while painful, is freeing because we can't do anything about the past...and spending every day wanting it to be different takes it's toll on a mind and spirit.

Lean on us, sweetie.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so weird to see him crying and begging and telling me that he will do anything and I just couldn't give a flying fuck about him. Sorry about the language but this is the place I am.

shirley, welcome to my world! Honey, after dday, he begged for forgiveness, cried and I felt nothing but hatred and grief. Then he stopped. Told me the future of our M was all on me. He'd already decided what he wanted and wasn't going to grovel or beg or do anything but live his life the way he had been before I knew (and he had already come out of his stupor).

I've been doing well, just making every day about me, putting his needs, desires, preferences completely off my table. And yet just yesterday, I realized (probably for the 50th time) that I really, really want it to have been a bad dream. To wake up and find out he'd never been unfaithful, never had broken his vows, that the day he walked out of our house to go to Hookerville, instead he drove out to where I worked and and told me he was messed up and what he had intended to do. That he caught himself before he fell. And that's the realitiy of it. I don't know if I'll ever feel any more for him than I do right now. I wonder if some day the apathy and disappointment I feel for him will just wash away what's left of the love.

He's on his way home after being away for 4 days and I couldn't be LESS excited. Last year I couldn't wait for him to get home. Now it's like "I only have 6 more hours of freedom". I tried to make light of it and told him on the phone that I needed to "get ready for his arrival". His negative response of "what the hell does that mean?" just says it all for me. All I meant was to run the vacuum and maybe clean up the living room a little, make dinner. His assumption was obviously that I was expecting something from him. Honestly, I don't care if he comes home or not. And when he gets here, I'm sure nothing I have done will be right for him. So why bother.

I'm going to sign off here and just go watch the last movie I rented. After all, I only have 6 hours of freedom left.

Hang tough ladies. We are warriors!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance, while painful, is freeing because we can't do anything about the past...

This is what I put to my IC when she asked if I thought I could forgive my H. I said I didnít think forgive, but I asked if acceptance was a reasonable and viable long term alternative. To accept it HAD happened, much as I would wish to God it hadnít, but to accept there was nothing I could do to change it, that it is part and parcel of my past and I had learned positive things about myself through it. If I could change my mind-set from hatred and mistrust and say it was done, dealt with and put away and I was ready to move on and forward with or without him. B/c in the end, the only person who would truly be suffering would be me. And I know she's right.

Honestly, I don't care if he comes home or not.

Pretty much the same here too. He wants to be with me all the time, or so he says, and doesnít like going off to work and says I donít like it when he works from home b/c heís in the way. Yet it didnít bother him one jot when he was arranging his little trysts. In fact he wanted to be away from me. So I reckon heís here b/c he no longer has his willing, nauseatingly romantic, texting, fawning OW shagpiece option. And Iím done with being second bloody choice, a sort of ďoh well, itís over so now I can go back home to my comfortable little lifeĒ make do until they hook up again. And a big part of me wants to pre-empt that and tell him to f*ck off now, and save all the grief later on.

I feel Iíve taken a big step back to look at the bigger picture and the possibilities therein. And I do feel somewhat removed and detached.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet it didnít bother him one jot when he was arranging his little trysts. In fact he wanted to be away from me.

UK, but that was him then. My H said he couldn't be around me, hated to be home and not because the OW were such an option, but because at home, he knew he was nothing but a large bag of sh*t. Who wants to hang around somewhere that makes you feel so "yucky". Why not be off at work, or helping a friend, or escaping into movies or video games... isn't that preferential (in their heads) that being at home and feeling the strain of guilt?

I used to "joke" to people about being a single mom during those years, but it was no joke. He wasn't there. His complaints of "you never depended on me for anything" were met with "when were you home for me to depend on you?"

So now he wants to be home too. He went on this ski trip for our DS, not him. He hates the snow and cold and it never went above freezing there all weekend. And it snowed, lots. I'm the one who wants him away.

Even the IC was stunned that I didn't care about his absence this weekend. But she thought it was a good sign that I didn't need him attached at the hip, that I was getting away from the constant snooping and clingyness. She just didn't get that it was because I didn't care. Even though I told her that.

Well, I've done the shopping, now it's me time. So much for the vacuuming.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, it has also taken that long for me to realize that it doesn't matter if my H loves me, is horribly and desperately sorry and would do anything to help. It just doesn't matter. What is done, is done and now the question is can I move past it.

Shirley - I can so relate to this feeling and like Run said, you are ahead of me too on this. I don't think I reached this point until after my first d-day anti-versary. Having supportive, caring friends is one of the greatest blessings in coping with our LTA realities. I know I never would have made it this far without the love and support of my family and close friends. I'm so glad you were able to spend a weekend taking care of yourself.
On another note, I wanted to talk about something I've been thinking about all weekend. It's going to seem so self-evident, something that shouldn't have warranted an ah-ha kind of moment for me but it did. My H and I had a minor spat yesterday - not A related. We always tend to fight in the car because his driving makes me crazy and he has no sense of direction. We both spent the rest of the day more or less avoiding each other and trying not to make waves. It got me to thinking though about how our relationship for the past 10 years has been somewhat adversarial. So many different issues arise in the course of a M and each of us believes themselves to be right. And we set up camps. Too many examples to go into but at the time the A started we were very angry with one another and always fighting - always on opposite sides.
Once D-day strikes, the adversarial relationship becomes even more intense. This is understandable, even necessary in the early months, but it is also the thing that prevents us from being able to move forward if we stay in this mode.
You know the old cliche - United we stand - Divided we fall. Well it seems to me that the ones who are making it in R are those that have been able to unite for the cause of their M and those still struggling are maintaining their adversarial positions. I'm not sure which camp I'm in, sometimes I guess I'm in one camp for a while and then something will trigger me and I'm in the other. But as I said, this was an epiphany for me this weekend and I kept asking myself, How can I move into that place where we realize that we are on the same team , fighting the same cause. When we are, I have such high hopes for our M. When we stand opposed, I lose hope again.
I'm sorry if this seems so self-evident, but I just wanted to offer this up in case it made sense to anyone else.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it seems to me that the ones who are making it in R are those that have been able to unite for the cause of their M and those still struggling are maintaining their adversarial positions

Every therapist I've seen has called this our "dance". It is definately a power struggle and I don't know the answer here.

I know I feel like I've never had my way in our M. It's always been what and how he wanted to do things. He on the other hand feels I had control of everything and he had no say. We each gave up our power to the other and now we're struggling to regain it.

He's better at it. He wants his way and he gets angry and pushy and will not compromise. I'm always the one giving in. I still feel like that. Like if I make a demand to do something my way, that he'll say "the hell with this, she's taking control again." But dammit I'd like to be right ONCE.

IC says I need to back off that my anger from all the abuse all those years has me ready to fight and defend myself at the slightest provocation. Other than walking away, which makes me feel like I've "lost" I don't know what to do about it.

PS: I hate my H's driving, but he hates my navigating.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All.

I made it.
Thank you, all of you, for your good wishes.
When I was done with induction and walking to my new office in my new building, you were all there strutting in with me.

I didnt sleep much last night.We had a fight, and I felt so bad. This morning fared better, even though youngest DD was hysterical as I drove off. Fortunately, they have all taken to the childminder and were all in a better mood when i got home.

Theres just so much stuff to learn. New software programmes, new legislation,new procedures...and I am so psyched! I am so ready for this. I feel so blessed.

And Ukg, thank you. Sorry I spooked you yesterday.

****

Every one of your posts spoke to me, either as "I remember that feeling" or "Thats how I feel now".

We WILL make it through this wasteland of our M. Whether our spouses will be next to us, remains to be seen.

Well it seems to me that the ones who are making it in R are those that have been able to unite for the cause of their M and those still struggling are maintaining their adversarial positions

So true, Fnf.
How the heck do we get on the same team, when we still view the other as the enemy?
Oh there are moments of ceasefire, but the battle wages on, doesnt it?
I just wish I knew what we are fighting for. Sometimes I think its for our family, sometimes I think I am fighting for me, other times I just dont know.

***
Honor your feelings
Words we should all hang on to.

***
((((Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hooray for Lost Heart!!! :grin

Theres just so much stuff to learn. New software programmes, new legislation,new procedures...and I am so psyched! I am so ready for this. I feel so blessed.

I think this is going to be so good for you. Take your mind off all the crap we face at home. It is something that is for you and about you and only about you. And, god knows, we all need that! And, more money for you too...nothing wrong with that.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somebody wake FSA up...I just looked at post count and we are going to need her to open the new digs (again).


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it seems to me that the ones who are making it in R are those that have been able to unite for the cause of their M and those still struggling are maintaining their adversarial positions. I'm not sure which camp I'm in, sometimes I guess I'm in one camp for a while and then something will trigger me and I'm in the other. But as I said, this was an epiphany for me this weekend and I kept asking myself, How can I move into that place where we realize that we are on the same team , fighting the same cause. When we are, I have such high hopes for our M. When we stand opposed, I lose hope again.

fnf, I include this long quote of yours b/c this really IS where it eventually comes to in this LTA "dance."

After all the long grueling nights of shouting and hurting, the long months (years?) of licking those wounds, the avoidance of letting your guard down, the play-acting for those not in the know, the anxiety sessions in IC and MC, the riding the flat plain of apathy......The final, ultimate question for all of us BS of LTA is.....
Do you want to restart the marriage.....as in a joint effort?

If the answer is an honest "no" then a new life plan must be established. No shame or defeat, just an intimately personal decision.

If the answer is "yes" then the marriage "account" of the past has to be closed and a new "account" established and signed off on.

For all those struggling, esp those who are feeling they have gone beyond the shelf-life of "indecision" and now feel paralyzed in place.....making the decision to say "yes" did not, to me, mean that I would never have another cycle of sadness and regret. What it means is that I have now made a choice..there is energy being placed...deposits being made by me into the new marriage account. My requirements are that I must know and see he is too. He knows that I am waiting to see if he brings his end up to balance mine. That is the prerequisite we need in our particular situation.
But I am willing to accept that he does it in ways that differ from mine.

Post D-day, I wanted him to not only be remorseful down to his soul and of course, never be untrustworthy again. I also wanted him to change, to be a different DNA mix. That was unrealistic for sure..apples do not become oranges just b/c we want it.
He still is less able to communicate feelings than I ever will be. He is still needing prodding on the most mundane things....like how full does the damn trash can have to be filled before it needs emptying.
Trite example but you get the point.
These things and hundreds more were in place long before there were any storm clouds. That's who he is....

Here is the difference for me now...I now know the "difference."
I am trying to see underneath, over and beyond the past.

And it is for "me" primarily. I cannot live in quicksand of my own design, a horrible one that will never really swallow me up....worse, it would just keep me forever inert and bitter.

My personal insistence of myself for a "decision" to stay married... or to not stay.... was ultimately "survival" for me.

Hugs to all.....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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