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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now they are choosing to banish that dog, and nourish the right one. Until we see that dog out and running, how can we commit our hearts again?

The analogies are just flowing today,arent they?

Contuing our "analogy monday" and dog theme.......

And when you have a dog you have loved forever turn around and bite you severely, you either get training for what ails his disposition or you part company.....because until you can trust him not to bite again, you are wary to let him close.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that you have all been through this and have made it out to another side

Oh heck no, nowhere near the "other side" but I can at least get a glimpse of it now which is much better, & even if I have to use high powered binoculars to do it!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because until you can trust him not to bite again, you are wary to let him close

"Too true", she nodded sagely. We are full of it today.lol.

How to get the dog to accept that though, unicorn? Esp when he still nips and snarls.

***
And where is everyone else?
Come on people. Just let us know that you are ok.

Someone mentioned a roll call recently. Think we should do that before we move to the next thread?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because until you can trust him not to bite again, you are wary to let him close

The nips are handled by a muzzle & if kept up get one with some sort of barbs that dig into their skin if they keep that nipping up.

The snarls are handled by first asking them if they are listening to how they are snarling at you & then pointing out that it is extremely inappropriate to have them do that in the way they are & if kept up will cause the conversation to be severed.

Seriously, they need to have the nips pointed out to them which doesn't help if they don't care or are ok with it going on. Same thing with snarls.

With mine, it took me asking him where the downward turn in our talk really was coming from, getting him to admit the erroneous assumptions he was operating under, reminding him we have a different history particularly from my end then that with his abusers & that he had no right to be nipping or snarling especially when I wasn't doing that in return to him, which he was willing / able to acknowlege. Then it took going back to where it started going wrong (we call it doing a "rewind") & starting the converation over, with him actually admitting his concerns (behind which fears were lurking that he couldn't admit) so we could properly address those. Best of all, it helped him see where his thinking was "foggy" & once he could see that, was able to talk things our more calmly & constructively. Then we could more easily work on a win / win deal for both of us. That is what we used to do before disconnect / betrayal hell left & it was nice to have it happen again. Long long overdue...

Otherwise, if you're not in a long distance thing like we are, perhaps a little aversion behavioral therapy administered with a cattle prod when those nips / snarls happen would help? I also know that shock collars are readily available in pet stores & online which could be helpful particularly if customized with a handly remote control...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all again for your advice and support today. It helps so much to be able to "talk" to people who know what I am going through, who have walked a mile in my shoes.

UKgirl - your riptide analogy has really stuck with me. I was fighting so hard to get to some place that I though I belonged (the end, the answer, the solution, who knows) that I was exhausting myself. When will I learn not to fight this and let it take me where it may?

Thank you again for everyone's help.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a plan, backup plan and a backup plan for the backup plan.


Safety, safety, safety! Have ALL the options covered! Hey, maybe that’s why we’re not the ones to have A’s, we’ve “seen” the outcome before we’ve even considered “yes, I’d love that drink with you”. Me with other men while on my own has always been “Noooooooo thank you!” I’ve already “seen” the divorce papers!!

you either get training for what ails his disposition or you part company.....

or you can have him put down!!

Maybe I should be a little more "caution to the wind impulsive". But then that would be the oxymoron of a calculated impulse, wouldn’t it?

Thanks shirl, glad the analogy helped.

Too much folks. Brain ache. G’night.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:55 PM, February 25th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when you have a dog you have loved forever turn around and bite you severely, you either get training for what ails his disposition or you part company.....because until you can trust him not to bite again, you are wary to let him close.
Yeah Numb, but until euthanasia is legal for cheating H's.......

[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 5:22 PM, February 25th (Monday)]


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA and Run - where the hell are you guys?


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a plan, backup plan and a backup plan for the backup plan.

Absolutely that's true of me as well. The second I got out of the loony bin the month after DDay for my suicide attempt, I immediately started working on that, much to WS's chagrin. On the other hand, it did reassure immensely my D's who I could tell "You know mom always has at least one Plan B & suicide isn't on my list at all this time around". Ugh, ugly ugly time.

WS said it was upsetting to him I was obviously putting together alternative plans cuz it made him feel I "had one foot out the door" so I had to remind Mr. Clueless that screwing around for yrs including up to & past our wedding, kinda had him SHOVE my foot out the door after finding out he'd had his foot out the door all that time while holding onto some slut's private parts & letting her whorehandle his privates...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah Numb, but until euthanasia is legal for cheating H's.......

Hmmmmm........and then there is the issue of the OW...


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW? Euthanasia?? Too humane!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW? Euthanasia?? Too humane!

You're right, cowgirl....too, too humane.
Come to think of it...that's an interesting word to use in the same sentence as OW.

I always naively thought women were innately more humane than men. (no offense, guys)...but females are supposed to be the "feelers" of society.
Its just amazing how many females willfully infiltrate another woman's world and knowingly peek in the windows of another woman's life, causing havoc and pain with a callous sense of entitlement.

I guess the term a Peeping Tom is really sexist, huh?


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you all have a minute can you please go to General and read the post from my H "Empty One"? It is a tribute to you all for the support you gave me today.

Thank you again....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just amazing how many females willfully infiltrate another woman's world and knowingly peek in the windows of another woman's life, causing havoc and pain with a callous sense of entitlement.

I'd really like to send that sentiment to our OW but that would be breaking NC and she'd surely know who sent it even if I did use an 'anonymous' account.

I don't know if FWH broke NC while OW was working in his building the last few weeks. He says not, but I can't be sure. He's too nice to ignore her in front of her co-workers if she greeted him. Also, she didn't work the past week and he failed to let me know she was finished so I of course worried every evening that he worked late since I thought she was there too. I am afraid he still doesn't get it! I don't know how to get through to him about this. I've had several meltdowns since New Yr's. The nightmares are getting worse. I feel like such a 'sucky' even mentioning this here... after reading how others here are suffering. Just know that you have my ongoing prayers.

I don't have anything wise to post. I wish I did.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS- I just saw how you were struggling and the tribe did such a great job trying to bring you up. The post by your FWH was beautiful.

(((((Shirly)))))


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((shirley and Empty one))))

Whoa..his post was intense, intense and from the heart.

Shirley, If that liitle spark has again found some oxygen....just stay with it..just let it be, calmly...no expectations.
Tomorrow is another day....

Hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning.

Shirley, that was a nice post from your H.

Unicorn, I get what you are saying about the nips and snarls, but frankly, it just seems like so much of hard work, and to be honest, I am tired. I am tired of me being the only one actively working on building the M.
H has made some good changes in his behaviour, he is going to IC (but his issues are so deep rooted, its going to take a LONG time before we see any results from that end)and he thinks thats it. He doesnt read here or anything for that matter; he doesnt seek out advice or info (says right now his IC serves as a good venting place), he doesnt DO anything actively to rebuild, he is quite content to take each day as it comes.

He says he is working on building himself, which is fair. Because I am working on building myself. So I guess for him the M and me can just wait in the wings.
Oh and building himself means building for himself. Doing things that make him feel good about himself.I am not a feature in that, which is sad.

Guess we will both carry on on our own paths.Like we did in our M before.He says its different now because his needs are diff. Before he was selfish and only thought of himself. Now he thinks about securing our future and the kids. Which I read as "I want to do things that make me feel good now, which is provide for my family and be a F."

Theres nothing there about wanting LH to feel good or be a good H.

***

(((lostsuol)))
HEy whats going on with you?
I get nightmares when I am having a hard time with an issue, that I am either avoiding tackling, or it is not being resolved to my liking.

It must be quite hard having H work with OW. Can he not change jobs? And as for being too nice to ignore her when others are around..

WTF??!!!
He doesnt get it. YOU and your M come first over being nice EVERY F**KING TIME!

I am sorry you have been having meltdowns.They are so draining on our body and our spirit.

Are you both in IC and MC? Sorry, I forget.

Your H wants the M right?
HAve you both drawn out conditions of R? For eg, NC = NC!
Telling you when she will be working with him and for how long.
You are being too nice LostS.
I know its scary but I think the Tribe will bear me out on this. If not, i stand corrected.
You tell him what you need to R. Either he can do it or he cant. If he can, then DO IT. If he cant, then tell you, so you can make your next move. Living like this must be torture.
There are WS who still work with OP, but they have put in measures to make themselves and their spouses feel safe.

And LostS, you dont need to put in wise words to post.HEy, not everybody is an OTC or BT or NAS or Unicorn or ROBT or Uk or No Mor or ...ok will shush now.lol.
Heck...look at me!Most of the time I am here hands out.

Keep posting and let us support you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uk, caught your thread in R.
Xena gave some good advice. I liked her "mastubatory R" simile.

Why are you beating yourself up,UK? I get the impression that you are feeling that you think H is settling for you? Is that correct? Do you believe that? Whats going on UK?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So nice to have our UK sisters back. Glad you two had a nice weekend.

Sorry Shirley that you had a down day yesterday, but boy, those were some life preservers the tribe members threw you. I'm glad you were able to grab on. Even the best swimmers tire out fighting a riptide.

Great analogy UKgirl, to the riptide. Especially since the advice they always give here for getting out of one alive is to swim parallel to the shore. Don't let it pull you out to sea, and don't fight to get back to where you were. Just swim through it until you reach the other side.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The life preservers were just that - they saved me and perhaps my M for now.

Again, thank you to all and thanks for your kind words to my H in wayward. You are all really incredible people!

UK - I just read your post as well. Do you want to talk about it more here?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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