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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost:

Why lie about having to take Viagra with her? I would think if he were going to lie to make himself look better he would do the opposite? I don't get that.

And yes, some people are so habituated to lying that it is very, very hard to stop.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yes, some people are so habituated to lying that it is very, very hard to stop.

So this is my problem. How do you ever know if they have stopped? When or how do I ever believe H is telling the truth or just another lie?

Will this never end???????


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I in many ways handled the A poorly. Anger, needy, super sad.

Hefty,

You handled it poorly??

Pray tell, friend.....Is there a non-poorly way to handle discovering this level of betrayal??

You reacted exactly the way any BS reacts..and actually have and are handing her passes that are more than generous and good-spirited.

I too read your wife's laments in WW. She was, for the most part, given rational, non-enabling answers there.

Can she "hear" them is the core question?? It really is up to her now, which ultimately will bring it down to you doing what is right for "you."

I am glad to hear you say that no matter what is the actual outcome of it all.....you know that you will survive....and maybe even flourish, given time.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heftysmurf - I just wanted to send hugs of encouragement to you. I read your wife's posts in WW and I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. It's clear she needs some intense counseling (IMHO) in order for her to decide what she wants and how to acknowledge your generous attempts and giving her what she says she needed from you in the past. Stay strong and lean on us when you feel you need support.
Weepy, so glad last night went well. I'm curious though, how did Mr. Weepy respond to last night. Was he happy that you decided to go with him? How was he acting in front of these so-called friends? Was he able to see them "through your eyes?" When I read your posts about this whole issue I kept wondering why he would even want to go. When will he outgrow these people? Most of the friends that my H had that were unfaithful to their wives my H has finally stopped associating with. There is only one who still remains his friend but I think this friend is done with his multiple A's so he's not such a trigger anymore. The friends that we do have now are really good people. He would be ashamed if they knew what he had done. I try to encourage friendships that are good for our M and luckily my H really respects and enjoys these friends.
Hopefully, your H will look at these people and see how they are not the best associations for him or your M.
(((Weepy))) (((Heftysmurf)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:32 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he happy that you decided to go with him? How was he acting in front of these so-called friends? Was he able to see them "through your eyes?" When I read your posts about this whole issue I kept wondering why he would even want to go.

I don't think he was happy or unhappy. I don't think he felt "leashed" if that's any consolation.

He said he didn't want to go in the first place, but felt obligated after this guy asked him for a ride. He thinks he "owes" him for all the times he helped him out in the past. Well, he's got a weird sense of responsibility because this guy owes HIM way more. He also felt bad because this guy's housemate, who's also an old friend wanted to go but just got out of the hospital and his "friend" couldn't handle him alone. So if you look at it from my H's eyes, he was guilted into it.

He behaved last night like he does when we're out with anyone. He's attentive, but not clingy. He did say one thing funny though, he looked around at all the "old" friends and said something like "wow, I didn't realize how old these guys were". So here he is hanging out with people in their 60's who've never had a steady job, a faithful marriage, who drink and drug like their 20 and the HIGHLIGHT of their life is getting out to Barnaby's for a happy hour. I think he felt kind of sad. And he was glad to be home when we got there.

This was the FIRST social occasion he went to with these people since Dday. And like I said, the primary affair conspirators were not there. And I didn't ask about them. He still doesn't "get" that it's the whole "you were 'single' with these people and I was a non-entity in your life at that time" association.

He's off to IC (yay!) His C called him and said he had an opening.

We had a typical "fog" conversation when he got back from taking D to work. He said he couldn't believe how many people were dropping their kids at day care. That most of them probably were SAHMs but dumping their kids there for the day anyway. (Now my D has told me that 90% of her moms work).

So I turned around to him and said "I remember plenty of days when YOU didn't work and our kids were dumped at day care or after care. Plenty of rainy days, plenty of cold days, plenty of half days when you could have picked them up from school and didn't." I only know he got the message because he changed the subject to something I didn't do for him this morning. Gotta deflect that guilt somehow, right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LTA tribe. I really appreciate you kind words and consideration. Thanks for supporting me in the darkest days of my life. I owe you so much.

((((LTA Tribe))))


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it's quiet here today.

I hope everyone is doing well, but here's hugs to the whole tribe anyway. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

I know there are so many of us struggling right now (myself included), but there will be an upside to this rollercoaster soon. Be good to yourselves. Love to you all.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to wish everyone a wonderful morning. Weepy, especially you (and anyone else the North East). I'm in Vegas ready to pick him up in a couple hours.

I have read all posts dealing with LTA's that I can. I have to say, you all are such a fount of wisdom, courage, strength and inspiritaion to me.

Hefty - I really do feel your pain, I recently found out my wh was intimate with ow 6 weeks before we got married. I asked him what would he say to his daughters, if they came to him and ask what would he advise them to do if they had found out their f has slept with an ex gf - he said he would advise them not to marry the guy - WOW. H is suffering with his guilt, but, is also fighting with all that he has to show me it is me, always has been, always will be.

I can also say that my ws is working his effing tail off to show me that he was the one that was broken (and it wasn't me that broke him) and that I'm perfect he actually asked me if I felt smothered (yes, I do and i'm working on it), you see, the key is what they are willing to do to rectify the problem.

Because of the duration of the A, we in the tribe feel our M is tainted, and rightly so. All the while they were smoozing (my did anyway) up to us, they were also doing the same with their AP. I have a hard time with this, so I suggested to h, that he figures out a different way to convey to me his love. I don't want to hear i'm wonderful, he was saying that the whole time he was intimate with her, I don't want to hear I'm beautiful - if that's the case, why were you with the tattooed lady? I don't want to hear I'm sexy, yeah, that goes without saying. He has to come up with better words, something new and different for me to even let him penetrate my defences.

I'm sure I'll be around a lot more as I feel I'm finally turning a corner in this healing process. I've accepted it, I can't change it, make it go away nor can I make it not happen. I am faced with a choice to shit or get off the pot


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, he says I was talking everything out at length adn he is so embarrassed about it that he didn't want to talk about it. So he just lied and sai he's never used it. It makes noooosnese to me. He also said he wanted that to be between us. Said he just got it a few months ago(he had a doctor appoitnmetn then so that would make sense) adn hd just used the one pack. Said she had suggested it so he did Then when I confronted him with the other pack he was driving and didn't knwo what to say so he just lied.

It makes no sense, I am not justifying it. Just saying what he said.

Then we had it really out b/c he said he wouldn't tell me certain stuff, like what position they had sex in , because he woudln't tell me things that woudl haut me and cause me to maybe leave. Said it was self preservation and selfish or something. We had it out over that. I told him that he did all this and it was my choice what to know and not his. That I needed credit for having stayed this long and if I need to now something and I ask then he better tell me. That whole ocnversation had me soooo upst. It went on for hours but iI won't go in to t all.

So frustrating. He has been true to R in that he hasnot seenher or even done anything else wonky, but the lying to save himself or to avoid conflict is a big problem for me.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another frustrating MC session last night and I am now positive this MC is worthless.

I tried bringing up something that happened in the past that sucked and we both used to agree on what happened. It was our engagement. I explained to him that I no longer felt guilty for the way I pushed him into revealing his intentions. And the reason why -- that I knew something was wrong, that I had waited 5 years with him and 6 months apart and I wanted to know where I stood. NOW. Not tomorrow at Christmas to be disappointed all over again. We'd had too many of those.

He NOW says that he did ask me to marry him. I guess that's true of you call "there, I was going to ask you tomorrow, had everything planned, but you blew it. Couldn't wait 24 hours" a proposal.

I told him that my "guilt" over blowing our engagement, over doubting him set the stage for our whole marriage. I felt I "owed" him my loyalty and trust because I was SOOOOOO wrong about that. It set the stage for me believing him even when I doubts because I had been wrong before.

MC says "well, that's ancient history". Not in my book if 2 years ago he tells me finally that he resented my blowing it. That even now I've told him that I felt gyped out of getting asked to marry him and that he's never even asked me to stay married to him after this. That I need to hear those words, just like he needs to hear the words "I forgive you, I trust you." What is this some sort of power play? I don't get mine unless you get yours?

Well, forget it. I've dpne that and STILL not gotten what I want. That he still has to be TOLD when he's done something hurtful and to apologize. That sucks.

MC says we "need to pick our battles". That it does no good to pick over history, so I'm sure "cognitive dissonance" is not an alley she's willing to examine.

And I had to mention that I heard this on Dr. Phil yesterday "The future is built on the past. If the past is painful, you have to make a new one." Now he was referring to a couple who's wedding was ruined by her H being drunk at the alter and basically passing out for the 24 hours following it. He never made it to the wedding reception, the hotel, they had no wedding night. And she was still pissed 2 years later. Big surprise.

So Dr. Phil offers to throw them a new wedding so the can build new memories off that. I don't think that's such a bad idea and that was my POINT when I brought up not being asked to be his wife or stay his wife.

MC jumps on this and asks if we've considered renewing our vows. I said yes, he said no, what's the point? AND SHE JUST DROPS IT THERE. I have to be the one to say "because that is the point, our engagment sucked, you hated our wedding, the vows are null and void. I want a new start." His response "So you want me to throw you a new wedding? Is that it?" Fuck no! Am I not making myself clear here? Is there something I'm missing?

So in the end he says "She doesn't know what she wants. One minute its this and then it's that. Make up your mind."

So this week.... I'm making him a fucking list of what I want. AGAIN. and I'm making a copy to send to the MC before our next session. He'll have it, she'll have it and I'll have it. And of course, you guys will have it too.

This morning I decide to make nice. I get undressed, lock our bedroom door an climb back into bed naked. I start massaging his back, his legs, kissing his neck and he rolls over and tells me where to rub, where it's sore. Thanks me and gets up and puts his robe on and goes downstairs. Now he says he didn't KNOW I was trying to start something. If he showed up NAKED in bed and started rubbing me and kissing me, I'd know. He's such an ass. Maybe everyone is right. He's never going to give me what I need, I don't know why, but he 's not.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC jumps on this and asks if we've considered renewing our vows. I said yes, he said no, what's the point? AND SHE JUST DROPS IT THERE. I have to be the one to say "because that is the point, our engagment sucked, you hated our wedding, the vows are null and void. I want a new start." His response "So you want me to throw you a new wedding? Is that it?" Fuck no! Am I not making myself clear here? Is there something I'm missing?
So in the end he says "She doesn't know what she wants. One minute its this and then it's that. Make up your mind."

You know Weepy, if your H doesn't understand after all the two of you have been going through what it is you want, then I honestly don't know what the hell else you can do to open up his ears.
Right before he said this, you told him what you want, that's why I highlighted what I did. You directly and specifically said, I want a new start.
I agree with you and I have said this to my H, at some point I want us to renew our vows. The vows we made ARE null and void after their LTA's. I just want to be sure in my mind that when we do decide to do this we both are being honest and sincere. I don't want to find out that they are being made under duress or because he feels he HAS to do this to please me. I think my H also feels, What's the point, since he never brings this up even though I have made it known that I would eventually want this for us. I think it could be a beautiful thing and I even have told him where I want to do this and some of the details of what I would want that day to look like. My children also want this for us. They have asked me several times, independently, if we are still thinking of doing this. It is important to them too.
So, unfortunately, no advice. I just wanted you to know I hear you and I understand your frustration.
(((Weepy))) To Mr. Weepy -


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks fnf. I know you hear me. I know everyone on this side understands. I know everyone on the "other side" realizes he's not owing his shit. And until he does, he'll never change.

I'm going to look for a job in a couple weeks. Going to see a lawyer as soon as I can to see if I can protect the severance and my 401. If I can, then I might look into the alternative to R.

And he doesn't understand why I sit on the fence.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weepy)))

Wise woman to look into your options and keep them open. You never know. Maybe moving on without your H or 180 might be exactly what prompts him into action. I really and truly think that my initial having H stay in a hotel for the first three months with limited interaction really helped our R. He *saw* what he was missing. And he didn't want that.

Anyway, the Tribe supports you no matter what path you choose, and *we* know what an awesome woman you are!

hb


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No words of encouragement, sorry. But I did want you to know your in my thoughts and I'm sending positive vibes.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI, our situations are so similar it's eerie and although he didn't have anyone to actually say "Get out of my life" to on Dday, he said he felt a great deal of relief when she was gone for good.

The part in your profile about his changing in front of your eyes after he'd ended it. Becoming involved in the family, treating you better is my story too. Its what hurt so bad when I found out... that the reason he hadn't been like that all those years was because of his escape from our marriage.

What keeps me plugging is that he knows he did wrong, he has changed, but he won't do more. Now he's saying what I need to see from him is impossible.

Odd, I was happy with the changed guy until I found out.

[This message edited by weepy at 11:05 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey Ė I am NOT 60!!! I meant my parents 60th wedding anniversary!! Sorry for the confusion. Iím ďonlyĒ 50!

Wow, quiet weekend. Hope thatís a good sign.

Weepy Ė Well, what can I say? He truly has an autistic attitude to you and your needs. He is either oblivious or heís deliberately snubbing you at every turn. Your H has a real problem with the whole empathy bit, imho. Itís something he needs to be alert to, not blind and deaf to. I would say yes, do the written list. Keep it bulleted, short and succinct, with maybe one sentence of explanation for each point. See where it gets you. And prioritise it too. If the engagement/proposal bit is the most important, start with that one. Meantime, yep, see that lawyer and have everything in place so you know exactly what is what if you decide to push him out and pull up the drawbridge. That severance is yours.

Iíd love a proper proposal. Oh, boy would I. He told OW he married me b/c I said I had booked the church and I told him to turn up!! Yeh, right. It was something we somehow came around to at his suggestion. I wasnít bothered about getting married. My older B got married at a reg office with 12 in the party and then we went to the pub on the green. My S never married and S from her w**ker of a partner after having 2 kids. My other B announced, after 2 broken engagements, he was absolutely not going to marry. So, while my soon-to-be-spouse was buying a house, he thought it would be nice if my parents had at least one white wedding. So I sorted it. In about three or four months. My poor Mum was horrified at the thought of all the organising, but we did it. The house purchase went through one week before our wedding. The ring was my grandmotherís. So I never had the romantic bit.

Then after DDay, he did ask me to stay married to him and he has often said the best decision of his life was marrying me. And then I found out he asked OW to marry him, several times. He was engaged to her before he met me and then he asked her while he was married to me. He has devalued marriage to being pointless in anything other than the eyes of the law. And that just makes me so, so sad. He canít ďproposeĒ to me, so from what standpoint to we begin again? I have said our M finished in 2001. And thatís it. I donít consider myself to be married to him anymore and wonder if I ever have been, if you get my drift. And b/c I donít, it makes it easier to walk away, kwim?

As to the w/end away Ė lovely to see the parents and in-laws. And my Mum found one of my oldest friends who had moved. So I briefly saw her and her sister and it was one of those great moments to remember. Big smiley time! And am not going to lose touch again!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a lovely weekend UK.

Things are slowly getting back to normal here after the terrible emotions of the week. Sometimes I feel like it will never end. The trickle truth I guess it is. The choosing of what to tell and what not to.

I do love the man I have now. He is a great husband riht now, right this second. Caring and thoughtful adn interestd and loving and kind. nvolved in the householdand with the kids. He is currently grocery shopping without being asked and cleaned some of the kitchen today unasked as well. Soif I could have amnesia, I woudl be thrilled.

Bt I can't have amnesia. He did what he did. I wish I knew that I woudl move past it. I wish I had a cystal ball to tell me that.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC asked me the other night (when I brought up cognitive dissonance) if I remembered the movie "Gigi". I guess some of us are of that generation.
She asked if I remembered the Maurice Chevalier song "I remember it well".


H: We met at nine
M: We met at eight
H: I was on time
M: No, you were late
H: Ah, yes, I remember it well
We dined with friends
M: We dined alone
H: A tenor sang
M: A baritone
H: Ah, yes, I remember it well
That dazzling April moon!
M: There was none that night
And the month was June
H: That's right. That's right.
M: It warms my heart to know that you
remember still the way you do
H: Ah, yes, I remember it well

That we are all going to remember circumstances, situations differently. And who was to say which one of them was right? I don't know why I'm even thinking about this except that we have those moments... and they are so frustrating.

Today, we were watching the movie "Conspiracy Theory" and I said something like... I remember thinking this was a bad movie for you to see. That it played right into his "everyone is plotting" out there mentality. He doesn't recall seeing it. Of course he did because at the end it turns out the conspiracy really did exist and he was impossible after we saw it. I checked the release date... 1996. Which means we would have rented it in 1997. SO I said after another "I would have remembered seeing this movie" comment, "Not necessarily, that was one of the years you lost all your memories of....1997." I could have gone on, but I restrained. He said nothing, changed the subject. Typical "I don't want to think about then" behavior.

But he's been great today. We made love last night. It was nice. This morning I woke him in a "special" way and he didn't resist one bit and that's really odd. Of course at dinner he made a stupid reference to hookers and whorehouses, but we were in "company" and I couldn't say anything. (We're fighting a rezoning project in our neighborhood) Boy I wish we'd been alone.... I had a really good comeback.

He's going away this weekend...leaving Friday morning. Won't be home until Monday night. I cannot wait!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, Weepy- I'm so sorry. How can you deal with the complete marriage re-write and marriage "Alzheimerís" about just what he's done and said? That's so rough......


What do you do when it seems like life conspires against you? WH has been gone the last 8 days on a business trip to Europe. I've been pretty scarce here because I've been in a pretty good place. I found a job lead that actually seemed like I was the shoe-in, so I was ready to tell WH I was DONE!!!! I wanted to finally end this fucking half-assed marriage. Then my babysitter calls me tonight and tells me she's done doing daycare. Period. Then she tells me about 2 other ladies who have just quit providing daycare in my area. I live in a town of 6,000 people, and there are 2, yes, count 'em, 2!! reliable daycare providers here. And one of them just quit, and she can't find a sub to fill in for her while she plans to be out because nobody here can pass the freaking background check. She has even asked me if I would be willing to fill in since she knows I passed the school system background check. I can't do daycare. As bad as it sounds, I can barely deal with my own kids right now, let alone somebody else's. Seriously, what does someone do in this situation? I have to have daycare for my 3 y.o. I won't leave unil I have a solid future in place for me and my kids, but staying is so damn hard and I really don't think I want to. Wh has no idea I feel this way, either. What a fucking mess.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
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Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.
Miss Chatterbox ( ) is reporting in.
Anyone miss me?

We had a lovely time.Starting with a 5 hour journey alone with H where we actually talked about ourselves. He responds so much better to me when I am in low gear, ie. not very emotional or confrontational about issues. HE prefers me to just listen, and really not give any feedback. Whereas I enjoy a more interactive conversational style. But if I am going to get to know him properly this time round, I guess I will have to use whatever method works for him.

He was on top form the whole time through, and apart from 2 incidents, we were just cool. I really like this H. And I wish he could stay around longer. But I know that these phases dont last too long, so will just enjoy them for now.

***

What is WRONG with me, ladies??? I'm "still" hurting after aaaaaaalllllll this time????
But she said it is more important after "aaaaaaaaaaallll" this time that I take care of myself, meaning I should be in counseling separate from him, and if he has issues he needs to work on, he should also be in counseling separate from me.

(((ROBT)))
I know you said that you dont want to open the FOO can of worms, but do you think thats one of the reasons that why you feel stuck?
I have mentioned that my IC also believes that until I sort out myself (that is, work through my FOO crap and heal myself), that it will be v difficult to move on, with or without H.
Which is what that IC seems to alluding to when she recommended IC for you both.
What do you think?

***
Unable, re daycare for DS.
Is it possible that other parents are havin the same issue re scarcity of childcare? Is it something that your local council can look into?
Or maybe there are a few mums who need some extra cash and they join together and provide this service? Someones garage can be easily converted into a play area. If they are all under 5, you dont really need that much space. An room where they eat, play, do activities, nap, and a garden. If the parents put their resources together, this can work. And getting the background check to work with children, is not difficult.Think Daddy daycare, but on a smaller scale. There MUST be at least 2 mums who needs extra cash, and who are willing to look after children!

I totally understand why you cant do it.BTDT.
Maybe put an add in the paper, or on the Council/church/school/supermarket notice board? You just need one person to spearhead this.Think about it.

***
Hugs to all those who have been struggling.

You are not alone. It is unfair. This does suck. This is NOT what we had planned for our lives.
BUT here we are. And the fact that we have survived so far, shows that we are not willing to give up on ourselves. Asshat S...maybe. But NOT our selves.

Hope this is a better week for everyone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

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