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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mig, lets do swopsies. Iíll do yours and you do mine!!!

Weepy, Ah-hhaaarrr, Jim-lad. Hey, his nameís not Jim, is it??? Tell him if he asks once more for you to wear a patch, youíll whack him with your wooden leg!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrr! I have him so freaked out about this eye thing. He thinks if I get a speck of dust in my eye, the opening will close and my eye will blow up.

Now I wouldn't tell him anything like that for effect, would I?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is not happy with me checking in again. So I'll g'nite to y'all. I'll open up in the morning in place of LostH. Just leave your glasses in the sink and the bottles outside the back. Smokers please empty the ash-trays. Thanks.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's an echo in here... I don't know if that is good or bad.

Weepy, why did you have your eye lasered? I don't see any reason in the past pages, only the mention of your having surgery.

I read about spinal surgery. Healing hugs to you both.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Just something to consider re: your back pain.

My sister's ex-partner spent the last two or three years in excruciating back pain. She was an athlete, worked out constantly, and was checked out every which way to Sunday with every type of medical test possible. No physical cause for the pain was ever found.

Eventually, she found the writings of a guy named John Sarno, who has a theory that a lot of back pain that can't be tied to a physical injury is really the result of a person's attempts to stifle uncomfortable emotions/memories.

The theory is a lot more complicated than that, but his books sent her on a question to explore her life -- much as we all are doing here -- and she eventually began to deal with her history, which includes a set of parents who are among the most bizarre I have ever heard of.

Anyway, he's written at least two books and is fairly well known. He is, I believe, a neurologist rather than a shrink. But I am not positive about that.

It might be worth a look.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT and weepy,

Interestingly, in a chat with no mor very recently, we discovered we had both read and used John Sarno's books through the years for back problems.

weepy, as BT said, it is worth a try. His concept makes sense. We "carry" emotions and long-standing patterns in our body.
It worked for me and I still refer to his theory when I need to.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting... but I don't have pain, it's numbness.

And whenever I am tense or stifling... my back pain is right between my shoulder blades... behind the heart.

lostsuol, I have close angle glaucoma. It's just a preventative measure so the pressure doesn't get out of hand.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all. My, itís tidy in here. Coffeeís on and thereís tea for any other Brits up and about. Iíll close the doors leading out to the lake after my shower. Nice looking day.

My H was involved in a RTA 10yrs ago and the severity of the whiplash meant he lost all feeling and ability to move his arms and legs and had to be braced out of the car. Several hours later, it came back. The numbness and weakness lasted several months. The BMW was a write-off. He had to give up his beloved rugby and took up golf.

While he was in his A, his back problems became chronic, although he did (finally) get some x-rays done which showed up the damage, giving the physio areas to work on. Of course he didnít keep up the exercises he was given. I gave him regular massages to ease the pain and to help him sleep (why??? )

Since the day of his confession, his back has improved enormously, his frequent eye infections have disappeared, his eczema-type skin complaints are no more, the crushing headaches are few and far between. A couple of months after DDay, I mentioned this to my friend (an holistic practitioner). She said underlying emotional problems can have huge effects on the body and mind. To her, H was a classic case. There were probably other physical symptoms, but I canít think of them right now. I might browse the Sarno book (if itís available over here), just out of interest.

*****

Weepy, sounds a v unpleasant procedure, but it is amazing what can be done, isnít it?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said underlying emotional problems can have huge effects on the body and mind. To her, H was a classic case.

Hmmmm, interesting. My H at the beginning of his affair had the sensation of having something stuck in his throat , (HA, 3 guesses ) specialists and all the tests imaginable could find nothing wrong. That came and went over the years. Then there were the anxiety/panic attacks that began back then , mysteriously he had his very last one just moments before he confessed.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was always thin and muscular. He worked construction. He was very proud of his ability to still fit in his high school clothes.

So during the affair, several people mentioned to me that he looked like hell, was too thin and they also noticed signs of depression. He explained it away with stress about work and the fact that he was always so thin that 5 lbs. lower looked worse on him.

After Dday, that's a different story. He had chest pains, urinary tract infections and a pinched nerve in his neck which dibilitated his left arm. He has no bicep left. He muscles his equipment around with his right arm and forearm strength.

Just what I need another book to sit here unread.... I just can't seem to bring myself to read again.

Last night in IC we talked about what gave me pleasure, she gave examples of massages, pedicures, painting, what? I told her I could tell her what USED to bring me pleasure, what USED to be my bliss, but not now.

New issue though -- his old "friend" called last night to make sure he was going to this party for the party girl. I think H was trying to find a gentle way to get out of it, but the guy asked for a ride.

Issue #1 - this crowd is the crowd he socialized with during his affairs. He swears none of them knew about him and his GF, but most of them knew his GF. She was their drug dealer or one of the girls on the perimeter of this group of losers. I was very clear that he cut off all social ties to these people. I know he can't cut all business ties, but he's done very well in doing that too. The only time I know he's been with them is when one of them was dying and I went along on that trip to say goodbye to him.

Issue #2 - This "friend" only invited him. He didn't call and ask if WE were going, just if HE was going. I have been on the outside of this social group because of his affairs. They take their cue from him, if he didn't mention that I be included, they don't include me. I"m not IN that group.

I made it known last night that I prefer he not go. If money is the issue, give the guy the $5 to cover him, heck give him $10, but NOT TO GO. He said if he did take him, he'd only stay like 20 minutes. That's too long.

IC says I shouldn't tell him not to go. I've already made my preference known and to see what he does... if he goes, what then? That shows blatent disrespect for me. If he doesn't, I'm to be sure to thank him for doing the right thing.

Oh, and if he does go, after all this, she wants to know why I'm still with him....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will you do weepy? Have you decided? Actually would be a scary leap for you no?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My, it is quiet in here today. Usually takes me hours to catchup. Perhaps that is a good sign for some???

Mindisgone - How you feeling today? Better, I hope.?.

I told her I could tell her what USED to bring me pleasure, what USED to be my bliss, but not now.

I feel this exact sameway. I want to be able to read for fun again, watch tv and relax alittle bit. Take walks with my dog again. I am trying to regain some of this, but I don't find it as enjoyable anymore, so I just don't do it.

Oh, and if he does go, after all this, she wants to know why I'm still with him....

If only we all had the answer to this. I think we have all asked ourselves why we stay. I am asking myself that daily right now. Only you can answer that.

It sounds like you believe he doesn't really want to go. If he goes and stays a couple hours instead of 20 minutes, what are you going to feel/think?

Do you believe this is disrespectful or does your IC? I am asking because I find sometimes there is a difference between what I think and what my IC thinks. What will be your reaction if he does go?


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dropping by to check in on whoís here.

Mig, are you feeling better today? I hope you had a night of sleep without things going round and around in your head. Hate those nights. Iím still on that plain of flatness. H texted me this am saying not to let out love be driven out by (my) anger, sadness or mistrust. Yeh, right. He was willing take that chance when he threw himself into an A with complete disregard for me and us. Why shouldnít I feel angry, sad and mistrustful? What is there in him now to love? Nothing. So I feel nothing.

Weepy, oh, for goodness sake, it sounds like he needs grabbing by the lapels and scream in his face followed swiftly by a hard slap or two round his stupid chops. Doesnít he listen to anything? Sorry, I probably shouldnít say such things, but he is SO insensitive to you and your needs, it just isnít right. This business of this stupid party shouldnít even be an issue. He shouldnít be having to make ďexcusesĒ to his ďfriendĒ. He should just say he isnít going and if pressed say ďitís personal and whatís more, itís none of your business Ė now book a taxiĒ. Which is more important to him right now Ė you or his ďfriendsĒ?

So weepy, wotcha gonna do? (Picture skinny me with hands on hips, hair awry, looking exasperated)


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HBH. How are you today?

Tea? Coffee? Xanex? Spliff? Shall I open the bar? Okay. You're right, it's a bit early. Iíll go and get a green tea before pondering tonightís dinner.

ETA: it's quiet cos chatterbox aka LostH is away!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:30 AM, February 21st (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC thinks this is blatent disrespect. She thinks his behavior on Valentines day was a big "screw you, you can't tell me what to do" also.

What am I going to do? I'm going to have to go with him. Show these people that he HAS a wife and he's not a single, drunken, fucked up loser like the rest of them. Oh, and I'm not speaking out of turn here, they are. Even H marvels at their complete lack of sense.

What kills me is that his "appearance" to his buddies is more important to him than my feelings. If he doesn't go or he brings me, he's "whipped". And the way others view him is more important than our M.

I really feel like telling this "friend" (who's always been real sweet and respectful to me in person BTW) that H is married and as such, should be treated like a PAIR rather than an individual. That I would appreciate being included in any invitations made to H alone.

I was watching this show last night and a guy who was trying online dating said he didn't understand why he had so many response, why he was such a catch. And the woman he was with said "in the world of online dating if you have a job and a penis, you're a catch."

H is just so oblivious (or maybe cunning) that he doesn't realize that to this crowd he looks like a God? He has a steady job, a drivers' license, he's good looking, he doesn't drink, he doesn't drug, he owns a home. Most of these friends meet MAYBE one of those criteria. I'm sure that was part of the appeal to the OW too. "He's not like the other roofers."

I wonder what they'd think of him if they knew everything? With that crowd, probably pat him on the back for managing his dual life and NOT losing his wife and family in the process. It would just be one more thing in his FAVOR.

Fuck!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Weepy))))

Sounds like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Go or not go. Either way he is being such an idiot to not see what this is doing to you. why can't they ever seem to understand?????

I have that same old question for you oldtimers, how do you ever start to trust again?

There have been so many lies and the last year lies are the worst. I feel completely numb, totally feel blank when H tries to explain this past DDay to me. I know it is because I believe NOTHING he tells me!

How do we even begin to go forward when I have less trust now that I did a year ago on first DDay?

I know some of you have suffered many DDay's and have continued to work towards R. How? I am hoping MC can help me/us figure this out, but even that won't help if H continues to say just what he thinks we want to hear. I need truthfulness.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do trust... to a certain extent.

I know he's not interested in starting anything up with Party Girl or her friends. I know he's going to feel uncomfortable all the while acting like he's carefree.

What I don't trust is that he won't recognize ulterior motives in someone else. "Oh, go ahead and kiss the girl, it's no big deal". "Get over here and sit on his lap, I want a picture of you two." He's still way too concerned about how other people view him.

His discomfort is not enough for me. His unawareness of how all this shit started in the first place is the problem. He still doesn't believe he gave off "available" vibes to his OW.

When do I figure out when I'm done? My IC, my MC, you guys would all love to know that answer and so would I.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What am I going to do? I'm going to have to go with him.

Putting myself in your sitch, are you afraid if you don't go and he decides to go anyway, of having to back up your boundaries? But being my extremely contrary self that would only give me cause NOT to go.

HBH, UKgirl, Thanks for checkin' on me, Feeling better? Kind of a relevant thing most days with all of us isn't it? Anger/sadness/pain and all the rest seems to cycle by the minute. Are you as tired to the bone as i am?

Picture skinny me with hands on hips, hair awry, looking exasperated)

UK


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He still doesn't believe he gave off "available" vibes to his OW.

He responded to her. That was enough. She probed and he responded. He is influenced by attention and flattery. He should have the depth of character to be able to see it for what it is. He should be courting your admiration, not anyone elseís.

Our Sís lost the trust the moment they were busted. I know when my H goes out from my sight (hang on, Iíve said this before Ė but Iíll say it again!) I neither know nor care where he is, who heís with or what heís doing. If he lies now, heís lying to himself, not me b/c I donít believe him anyhow. And he used to sneak off to contact her when he was with me. I bet he texted her while he was sat next to me. Trust? None. And Mr Weepy has more work to do on that than most, imo.

I think it takes a long, long time for the truth to come out when a LTA means there have been years of a life based on lying. Lying to cover up, lying by omission, lying by changing the facts. It must be very difficult to suddenly stop the lies and to take a few considered moments before answering any vital question a BS puts to the WS. I have hated this trickle truth. If I had all the facts in the first place, if it was laid out for me to see for what it was, I would have filed for D. It would have been too much and hope would have been non-existent. Esp due the depth of the emotional involvement. So we have the death by a thousand cuts instead. I referred to the gradual leaking of information as shards of glass b/c that was just what it was/is like, shards of glass slicing my bloodied heart to pieces. Sometimes I want him to feel, really feel what he has lost in me and grieve for it.

Well, Iím off to find the smile I didnít get yesterday. Dog walk, #4 son to piano, shopping for #3 son who will be house sitting for the w/end. Iím off to see my Mum for the wíend (staying with MIL) and look at her nice new zipper in her chest. Apparently sheís anaemic now, which happens when they take your heart out and start messing with it.

(Maybe Iím emotionally anaemic, Iíve heard it happens when your heart gets smashed with an infidelity mallet. See all that blood on the floor FWH? Thatís mine, you fuckwit)


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you as tired to the bone as i am?

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

H asked again yesterday, How I am? I didn't evenknow how to answer that question. I just am. I get up and go on. I don't know if he expects me to miracuously feel great over night? I know he is doing everything he can to make me feel better. But it takes (hate, hate, hate this word) TIME! And I am tired of giving the time only to feel whacked in the head again and again. When will I learn? Will he ever change?

I know, I know, give it time!! There is that word again.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
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