Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF:

One of the things we did in marriage counseling that helped a lot was to write "resentment letters" to each other listing all our issues with each other over the course of our marriage.

He acknowledged immediately after writing it that his was filled with cognitive distortions and, in his words, outright crap, with some legitimate gripes. Percentage wise, mine was the opposite. Filled with legitimate grievances and a mild amount of cognitive distortion and crap.

It was a pretty eye-opening experience for both of us. First, it gave me a window into his mind I would never otherwise have gotten, since my H held onto the fiction forever that he was a man without anger. And second, it allowed both of us to see what bothered the other. Third, it just allowed us to get some long-simmering anger to the surface and examine the reasons and reject the ones that were crap and deal with the ones that weren't.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rushing through but Weepy, I had hte EMG done. I'll message you. Went to the neurosurgeon yesterday adn surgery is scheduled for March 24th. I'm a nervous wreck. And a lot of that is how this will effect the family. Wh gets resentful when stressed and having to do everything from past experience. Swears he will try not to this time and stop it quick if he oes but it's still worrisome. As is spine surgery. Yikes!! Atleast I haev a litte imte to freak out and get ove rit. lol


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it just allowed us to get some long-simmering anger to the surface and examine the reasons and reject the ones that were crap and deal with the ones that weren't.

BT - This is exactly what I'm hoping to achieve. This morning is our first real attempt at this. Wish us luck. Thank you for your response. I have been struggling with trying to verbalize this to my H and my C and I feel ready and able to do just that this morning.
FNF


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
Wishing you and H a good session.

Thinkng of you.

Hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck fnf. I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear how it went and how you approached this with the C.

I will take 50% of the blame for our marital problems

Am I the only one here who doesn't feel responsible for our marital problems one bit?

Even H said that it was him who began the whole process by pulling away, with his feelings of inadequacy and failure and all the "I'm getting old" and "Is this all there is?" crap.

He said our M was going along fine with the usual kid stuff, money stuff, stresses of 2 working parents until I got sick. Until I had the surgery. Even then he said it was the fact that I got so freaked out during sex (post surgical complications with hormones, etc.) that was the final straw for him. He said everything that was going on before could have been dealt with. Apparently problematic sex couldn't be.

And I know I discussed the problem with him. Told him it wasn't his fault, even had him at the drs office for the follow up visits so he could hear that it wasn't ME. Really ticks me off that I tried to fix this with legitimate means and he chose that path. And it was only a matter of months.. he couldn't even bear with me for 6 months.

And it wasn't me. Guess I should have seen something like the A coming because of the way he had always "dealt" with problems -- run and hide. But I honestly believed his morals and integrity wouldn't fail him.

I promise though, the next time he says he wasn't unhappy with our M I'm going to tell him "Of course not, you were living every man's fantasy, "mom" at home to take care of you and the kids and the bitch in heat on the side. Why WOULD you be unhappy?"


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck this morning, fnf.

Can't wait to hear.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else having a sucky day? I think i've just started to really "fall" from the new info on Vday, was up half the night sitting in the dark living room, chainsmoking and crying. It won't ever end will it. No matter how high the upswing is there is still this deep sadness underneath everything. I know, i'm being a child but i just want someone to make it all go away.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindisgone - I'm hear to listen if you want to talk. Boy do I understand the sucky day thing.

The last few days, since my VDay discovery, H wakes up and asks me if I'm ok? WTF! Of course I am not OK. I have been reading and reading. I am so sick of being the one to always do the reading. The one who always seems to be figuring out what I need to do next. I didn't create this mess, but I have to help clean it up. I HATE THIS!!!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks HBH, no need to listen though cause you just spoke the very words in my mind. Why can't HE just figure out his own shit. How effing hard can it be ? He's had 15 frigging years for God's sake.
I'm angry today too, can you tell? I'd like to see him wearing his b**ls for earrings and i'd like to be the one that pierces his f*****g ears



too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mig. You are not being a child and this is not okay. This is something we all want Ė that someone would wave a magic wand and everything would be okay again. This is all part of the rollercoaster of trying to make sense of what has happened and looking at the debris around you that used to be your marriage. Weíve all had those dreadful days when you donít want to even wake up in the morning and find that you are disappointed that you have. Another day of shit to get through.

It sounds as if he is trying, but you have to be prepared for the blows (aka revelations) that come out of nowhere. Hold on. Things will get better. Just remember that this was NOT about you. He has been denying his shit for too many years Ė just like they all have. Have you asked him for a timeline? Might help and it might help him see things in perspective and from your point too.

Iím going to walk the dog now and try and find my smile today.

Hugs (((((MIG)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindisgone - been reading LostHearts post in R. I know my H is not who I thought he was. Just don't know who he really is.

Also reading the thread in I can Relate - False R. Hate that I think I now fit in several of these boxes.

Still waiting to here from MC for appt. Keep wondering what is the use? I told H I don't know if I will ever trust him enough to go forward in M. So what good is MC?

Just in a really rotten mood today. Time to take my own advice and go take care of me. Retail therapy anyone??


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iknow UK , i know. but i think i found my dealbreaker, well not found but knew it all along. What he's been so afraid of, what all the lies were meant to really cover..the dumbshit believed he was in love with her..has admitted this BUT..he doesn't know the fu****g difference to this day..anyone who made him feel good about himself and he was in luv..he's so ashamed and confused by this but he can't seperate the two feelings..but it's been 15 fucking years..
He of course says over and over that the love he feels for me now he has never experienced in his life, didn't believe it was even possible , he say's it hurts to know that he's wasted all these years when he could have been feeling this, we could have been sharing this and now he fears it's too late and he's destroyed the love i had for him.. there's no doubt about his sincerity but if he knows all this feels all this than why cant he know the difference loving her and loving her for stroking his fucking ego..how can he know all of this and NOT know that to have "warm feelings for someone while they are giving you a BJ" is not love. I'm just so bloody sick and tired of waiting for him to figure it out and i certainly will not go forward with him believing such crap.

God , sorry, guess that turned out to be my very first SI vent, does that mean i'm a full fledged member now?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. Keep wondering what is the use? I told H I don't know if I will ever trust him enough to go forward in M. So what good is MC?


I hear you HBH, we haven't started MC yet and i'm reluctant for this very reason.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't buy the "each partner is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage" being true for every couple. All it takes is one person willing to sabotage the whole marriage or able to do so even subconsciously particularly when long term deep rooted issues or addictions type issues are involved to make them responsible for an extremely high percentage of those marital issues (like 90%). And I don't necessarily buy that a loving partner dealing with that sort of sabatoger is necessarily "co-dependent" or an "enabler" either but they are obviously able to tolerate a lot of things that need to be properly addressed for both of them in order to have a healthy partnership.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UNI, Wise words, i know this is true in my case, i was certainly never perfect ,but being older and wiser now i know my biggest fault was that i was too naive to know that he had such issues and far too young to have even begun to understand or deal with them, as was he.
I'm not sure about myself but he would have ended up in the same place or worse no matter who he'd married or when.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your good luck wishes. I think the session went really well. The focus of the entire session was on the statement - you know the one that falls into the cognitive distortion column - of how I wasn't carrying my load. It took the better part of the hour but I could see the lightbulb moments for my H and at one point, not only did he acknowledge that it was a distortion and that I was also carrying his load during those years and really during most of our M, but he actually broke down and cried and admitted that it was his own feelings of inadequacy that caused him to shut us out of his life. I think he really did see this issue with eyes wide open.
To use Weepy's procedure as an analogy, I think you could say that with our C's help, the lasering effect may have taken longer than desired, but the outcome looks VERY promising!
Next week our C is meeting with my H in a private session so that they can work together on other issues and try to put them in their proper categories without my temper or defensiveness getting in the way (my suggestion btw). Then I will have a private session and later we will come together to make sure we feel the lists are honest and fair. I am very excited about this approach. From BT's post this morning, I have a lot of hope and faith that this is the right process for us at this stage in our R.
Weepy, I don't think I'd ever put %'s on the responsibility for the breakdown of our M (and you do know that I'd come out way ahead if I did
) but I will say that in any relationship, personality differences and interaction styles (assuming that there is no right or wrong here just "disability" factors) create tensions that otherwise may not have resulted in trying to resolve issues. For example, I have an Irish temper and when threatened it can be fierce. My H (and most of our H's) are conflict avoiders. Now think about how my rising temper during an argument would cause a conflict avoider to run and hide into the nearest corner. Leaving me only more angry and frustrated and ultimately with both of us feeling extremely dissatisfied. The outcome is no resolution at all of the issue at hand and 2 spouses fiercely maintaining their positions. No one wins! This was our MO for years. We actually talked a lot about this in our last C'ing session. There had to be a better way to do this and if we are seriously going to make an attempt at a better M, then we had better both be willing to examine how our own style interfered with a positive outcome. For me, this WILL BE WORK!!! It became a habit between us that we both have to focus on breaking because there will always be issues that need to be addressed and resolved and we can't fall back into an ineffective pattern of behavior.
Now, here I go again, this does not mean that I would ever accept responsibility for his LTA. Not even a fraction of a %. But I can see how our different conflict resolution styles worked against us. Him, run and hide and hopefully the problem will go away. Me, stand there and do battle until one (me!) remains standing and victorious.
Time is one word we always say we're tired of hearing well another one is compromise especially when we have been so wronged. But to move forward I know we have to try to find a new way to resolve our differences. The old way just never worked. Here's another Weepy analogy - you know how you were trying a variety of receipes for your chocolate dessert until you finally found one that you loved, that satisfied you, well that's how I feel about this. We just have to keep trying until we find that perfect receipe for a satisfying M if that's what we really want out of the R process. And if that means that I have to compromise by working on my temper/anger issues then so be it! The outcome I believe will be worth it. On the other hand, my H has to stay there and do the work of resolution and stop his run and hide technique. We'll have to wait and see if we can break this long-term pattern.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Him, run and hide and hopefully the problem will go away. Me, stand there and do battle until one (me!) remains standing and victorious.

I think we've entered the "both of us are the second half of that statement" era. Both of us stand there glaring at each other wanting to be the victor!

The other night we had another incident of him thinking something and me thinking another. Turns out he was right and I told him that he was, I was wrong. But I'd noticed that when his sister backed up my interpretation, he didn't argue with her, only with me. So I mentioned that.

He said when he's sure he's right he doesn't feel the need to argue the point. So I asked, "Does that mean when you are fighting with me about some damn detail that you KNOW you're wrong? You get angry defensive when you're wrong and calmly assured when you know you're right?"

My IC used to tell me that if he argued something that I knew wasn't true, I should just walk away knowing that I'm right and he's wrong and let it go at that. And I was doing that for a while, as was H. (he was doing his "yes dear" "whatever you say dear" act and I hated it).

But now, it feels like if I walk away without challenging him, that he gets to go on his way completely delusional about the truth. He gets away with believing his own lies again. And that to me is dangerous territory.

So when we talk to our C on Friday night THAT's how I'm going to approach the situation. Tell her that I don't argue for argument's sake but for the sake of the truth.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mindisgone - The crap your H had been hiding away inside himself was decomposing, it was rotting him from the inside and in the end had to be acknowledged that it was there. Call it a canker, call it a cancer, call it an abscess, whatever. He could not carry on any more with carrying these lies inside him, this double life, this Mr Hyde who he really did not want around him any longer. Heís puking it all up b/c it was making him sick. And, unfortunately b/c you are there for him, you are helping him clear it up. He has had his personal damn breached and the love he has stored up behind that wall has all come spilling and crashing out. Thatís why he feels to the depth that he does. Itís all foaming together with his guilt, shame, historical facts and the lack of understanding as to why he has behaved in such an appalling way for so many years. Now you are getting it all. A lifetime of it.

MC is for you as well as your marriage. It enables you to deal with things in stages and in a structured way Ė if your MC is a good one. It is vital to shop around and find one you can hook up with on every level.

*****

Unicorn/fnf, I donít buy it either. I am not responsible at all. 100% him. My only responsibility lay in not guessing what was causing his stress. I still maintain that his A was inevitable.

*****

Fnf. Good. This sounds v positive. At our MC session last night, we went over (again) our roles in the M Ė H earned the money, I did everything else (kids, house, finance, etc). It seems that I did not express my appreciation at his success in that role, but Iím not materialistic. So actually earning loads of money did not matter to me, it was more important that he enjoy the job. So if he didnít make sufficient, no prob, Iíd go out to work too. And when he was really stressed (due in part to the A), I actually suggested he just work as a postman for 6mths and relax. WRONG!!! That just dented his self esteem and fragile ego. So I learnt something from last night.

*****

Weepy, are you trying to read all of this with one eye bandaged? Are you now weepy the pirate?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:38 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thatís why he feels to the depth that he does. Itís all foaming together with his guilt, shame, historical facts and the lack of understanding as to why he has behaved in such an appalling way for so many years. Now you are getting it all. A lifetime of it.

UK, it makes so much more sense when you say it. Can you come over and kick his ass?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, are you trying to read all of this with one eye bandaged? Are you now weepy the pirate?

No eye patch, although H was kind of insistent that I might want to wear one... well, if I'm in the mood, I might greet him in just an eye patch tonight.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.