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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run,

Resell the books on half.com. At least the ones you don't want to re-read or use for reference. I have made back about half to two-thirds of what I spent on most books.

Let me tell you, too, about Retrouvaille. They really mean it when they say to give what you can. Retrouvaille is a mission of the Catholic church. It is meant to help those in need as a gift, not as a paid for service. Lots of people give more than what the weekend costs to make up for what others can't. At our weekend, they actually made a profit, and that was with quite a few couples leaving before the donations were taken, and at least one pair who said outright that they had nothing at all to give.

I think of Retrouvaille as a gift from God, honestly.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's just no depth to him. And he knows it. Is it choice or physical make-up? I'm not sure he's capable of going where I need him to go. I don't know if that's something you can learn or not. Does that make him bad? No--unless he just isn't doing it.

Run - last week in C'ing I was talking with our C who has suggested the my H has narcissistic tendencies, or probably some form of borderline personality disorder that leaves him challenged in the area of ability to change. He discussed with me the possibility that it might come down to "management." (Sorry I'm not saying this as clearly as he did - I will try better after this weeks session.) That if I really decide to stay in the M, then to some extent, I may have to think of my H as having a disability, like someone with a learning disability. He works with my H in IC'ing and feels that he will only let himself "feel" to an extent and then he shuts down. He is not telling me to give up hope, he is just telling me that like anyone with a disability, their capacity to function at a "normal" level is sometimes not a realistic expectation and therefore, managing their disability is option we have if we choose to stay. This sounds so discouraging while I'm writing it but I do think there is a very realistic aspect to this suggestion.
So, for what it's worth, I thought I'd share that with you. I'd be curious to see if anyone has had their therapist suggest this.
Weepy - thinking of you and hoping your eye surgery goes well tomorrow. Let us know as soon as you're able how you are doing. (((WEEPY)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INFJ too I believe it is an unusual personality type?? The smallest % of people have this type.

Not too much to add today, but I enjoyed reading everyone's posts. Thank you.

Retrouvaille is a great idea...I need to look into that.

Thanks Mum for the update on your harvesting. So glad it went well. I am in the middle of reading Steering Clear, and I'd love to have a chat about it. Perhaps we can set up a thread in the SI book section?

Also, I understand your fear of entitlement Mum. I fear that too. These feelings are so strong, I find the full force of them terrifying at times.

For now, I live in the now. It's my current lesson. I only have the now, the today. Do I chose to make it happy or do I chose not to? It is the only way to maintain my equilibrium and my sanity.

Hugs to all...thanks for your poetry, stories, and wisdom.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Weepy)))) Sending you prayers and blessings for your surgery.

As far as being "realistic" about our spouses and their ability to fully be mature, whole or healthy, I agree with fnf. My h has done a remarkable job in becomming a better person. He does not sustain selfish behavior. He is attentive and loving. He no longer lives a double life. BUT he is not the model of mental health. He can and does get tempermental, controlling and self-absorbed. To me, he is good enough so I go with that. I make adjustments and try to count my blessings rather than moaning about what I don't have.

As I have said many times, I am far out from DD. I have spun my wheels. My h made changes.

Hopefully your spouses will make enought changes and hopefully you can live with the ones that can't be made. If not, hopefully we can make new lives.

Sounds simple, but it is a long process to get there.

So Many HUGS to ALL


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be the odd ball. ENFP when I took the test.

Hope you all find peace and have a good night.

((((LTA Tribe))))


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with FNF and No more.

My husband has come a very long way, but he still falls back on some of those dysfunctional coping patterns.

Last Friday, he found his closest colleague and friend unconscious in his office. He called a code and got him taken care of, and the guy seems to be OK. But my H would not admit the extent to which that affected him, even though I tried hard to get him to talk about it on Friday.

Then, on Saturday morning, he deliberately provoked a fight with me. About halfway through the fight, I recognized what was happening and chilled myself out. But he had handed off enough of his anger/fear to me that he felt better.

I didn't make a big deal out of it, because I know that he was really afraid, and that men have a tough time admitting fear. Still, it was enough of a throw-back to old behavior to remind me that it is something we both will have to look out for forever.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, you guys have such great posts I have a ton of notes & thoughts on what you've written!

I did start a Steering Clear thread in the book section, I'd love to discuss the book.

Hope all goes well for Weepy tomorrow & she can update us on her condition soon.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ESFJ here.

Go figure - a Guardian.

Thanks, OTC -- that was interesting, and right on the nose.

Think I will get H to take it.

((((((((Tribe)))))))))



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INFJ here, too. At least I'm in good company right?

Hugs to ((((((((((run)))))))))),
((((((((((weepy))))))))))(and good luck tomorrow), (((((((((FSA)))))))))), ((((((((((HBH)))))))))), and...well.....lets just include everyone
((((((((((((((tribe)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry there are so many of us hurting. I'm very much part of the group wondering just what the hell are we wasting our time on by staying with our WS's.

Love and buckets of white light to us all.

[This message edited by unabletocope at 10:39 PM, February 18th (Monday)]


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((weepy))))

Checking in, hon.....thoughts and hugs to you for tomorrow.

Uni, I have to check out your thread on Steering Clear.

I would be interested in a discussion here on it.
Forget who said today or yesterday about it being Christian. It is, and I kind of warned H about that in advance when he chose to read it. He was raised by a true religious fanatic. Consequently he is not very open to forced religious themes. But honestly, he realized when reading, as I did...the religious references are mild and quite appropriate to the writers story..but also that the info in his book is valid on its own, with or without any religious slant.

Re: the discussion about accepting the FWS's as is...now and for the future....
Prior to last week's V-day/D-day 2nd yr. mark, I desperately still needed to see some sign of "something" ......didn't know exactly what....that could inspire me to believe I could stick it out.
I was waffling still about "could I really consign myself to this for the rest of my life?"

Since D-day #2, he has been remorseful, has owned his actions, turned around many of his patterns. But under that was still the man who seemed not to "get" other people's needs or feelings. Still oblivious to the obvious until it is pointed out, and then would still at times, resort to annoyance or indifference when something required his imput or empathy.
And.....I still felt "alone." far too often, even though I knew he wasn't back to "using" the affair-drug.
That insidious sense of aloneness of not being on the same page of "life awareness."

As if we think in two different languages.

I don't mean the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars stuff....I mean that literally he and I did not have a point of reference.

Now I have suspected he has had some form of Aspergers or a similar sub-set of all of that since childhood. This pattern of behavior runs in some of the males in his family. I mentioned it to the first three C's we tried..none of them listened, but all found him to be hard to reach. (but then again, all were incompetent head-nodders too)
But after he began reading Steering Clear, he was more open to discussion than he has been since D-day. I calmly told him that I had serious doubts about continuing if he did not get help.....that I thought along with trying for yet another MC and IC again, he needed to be tested for a disorder.
He agreed readily....and is going this week for appt #2 in this testing.. It has been ascertained that he does have some form of cognitive distortion.

fnf, we are going to get an appt with your referral. He sounds so perfect for the situation.
Bottom line....as no mor said.."he is making changes, but he is not a model of mental health"
Well said, no mor.

Do we settle?......well, I guess we all in some way do, if we choose to stay knowing there are certain areas that may not ever really change. But if my H is honestly working on making right and sound decisions...even if his process to get there is different than mine, then I will stay the course. (cautiously)
BTW..I am not saying that any disorder he has "made" him cheat. That decison was strictly a moral choice. His disorder was in place long before the A and has still continued since. He has to learn ways to identify it and work around it.

Adding: Zanny, I am with you. I live strictly in the "Now"
Only place where sanity and safety are to be reliably found.
fyi....great book...."Living in the NOW", by Eckert Tolle

Hugs to all

[This message edited by numb and scared at 10:58 PM, February 18th (Monday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N, I have told my H that prior to DDay I thought we were on the same page about everything. Then I found out we weren't even in the same library!

Then again, we're the poster couple for how NOT to reconcile especially considering that it has taken up to now for him to truly start spilling his guts about what was really going on, etc. I had to take my profile down after the last lustfest because it was just too depressing to me.

I had my Steering Clear copy in my purse for a while & just took it out a couple weeks ago so of course now I can't find it. Ugh! I'll look tomorrow & hopefully find it. I really would like to see a good discussion on it going.

Is it possible that our H's who did/do have this personal inner fury from whatever source, (FOO, self-esteem lacks, various disorders, etc)..this inability to deal with life in a normal fashion....who had to resort to such dishonest, immoral means to vent their personal anger....is it possible that in their minds, the BS is now the constant reminder of what they are/were "not," intrinsically. It is a f'ed up perception for sure, but could it make that anger feed upon itself & be directed at the very person you destroyed?

I would think that is possible, I know that our therapist says that for whatever reason WS took out all his prior yrs of abuse out on me. And I had asked him long ago whether his anger / resentment towards me contributed to his betrayals, which he admitted "may have had something to do with it" but has refused to consider in depth.

I had pointed out that despite his claims of "loving" me, looking strictly at his actions, they were very hateful instead. Particularly since we had spent a lot of time at the very start of our rlnship going thru what boundaries needed to be in place to avoid any unnecessary hurts, knw what was & wasn't tolerable for each other & address prior triggers from our emotional baggage. Then he proceeded to use that list he had to systematically use it as a blueprint to destroy "us" & me. Not quite the intent but it made it very easy for him to hit me where it REALLY would devastate me even MORE & it has. His pre-DDay behavior was deplorable enuff but the post DDay stuff is just freaking mindboggling to me, & definitely created a ton of even more damage. Ugh.

Still, I am very glad he is finally admitting the depth of his lies & trying to put things in place better. Not fun or an easy process but a necessary one even at this way overdue date. That is of course while the numbness / shock at getting the truth FINALLY verified keeps the fury at a distance which has yet to fully hit me but I know it is lurking there even more now after a FREAKING DECADE of this betrayal nonsense.

He just told me yesterday that my "anger" contributed significantly towards his attraction to OW, who I call Saint OW who he says never argued with him. Of course he admits a superficial relationship with her & is how acknowledged a bit how much he picked fights / pushed my buttons in order to justify the unjustifiable.

I also think it may have something to do with acting like an "unlovable POS" particularly if they have a long history of that sort of abuse, which mine has. Add the passive / aggressive, conflict avoider, emotionally unavailable, never had a good healthy relationship at all aspects & it was bound to be a recipe for nothing but a disaster without great professional intervention. So many pieces to the puzzle, no?


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay- how do you stay in the "now", when the behavior patterns are close to the same as during the A? I have/had a psychopathtic/sociopathic/i don't know what-pathic WH who never, ever wasn't there while in the midst of his A. He NEVER quit showing or expressing love. He NEVER was absent, except while working. He NEVER made myself or our kids feel anything other than a priority. He was a GREAT husband- he just had his worktime lunch tart at the same time.

How do you EVER feel safe in believing what you see? WH is ALWAYS here still. He makes the kids and I priorities still. He tries to prove he loves us and how much he values his famlily. But it's all the same. How can you ever believe in someone who has such a personality split? How do I ever believe he's not doing it again, especially when he still has a core mindset that sex is sex and love is love? Why do I even bother?

We have two completely different beliefs in the matter. But yet he's a great husband and provider, and a great father. How do I rip that away from my kids if I decide to go? Because while WH is gone this next week, I hope to evaluate our lives and hopefully resolve on one course or another and stick with it, but I really can't see a happy ending the way things are. My emotionally disturbed son has nightmares about us getting divorced. He's such a handful and I really can't deal with him alone for an extended time. My 3 year old is heartbroken when dad is late for dinner, let alone not coming home at the end of the day.

How do I know what is the right course here? He treats me well. He tries to show me his love and I hold it off because I don't believe he can stay sexually monogomous forever. Emotionally? Yeah- for the most part I do believe he loves me, only me, and always has. But I still think he loves himself more. What do I do?

[This message edited by unabletocope at 11:25 PM, February 18th (Monday)]


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez- just whack me up the side of the head with some 2x4's please. Knock some sense into me.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think it may have something to do with acting like an "unlovable POS" particularly if they have a long history of that sort of abuse, which mine has. Add the passive / aggressive, conflict avoider, emotionally unavailable, never had a good healthy relationship at all aspects & it was bound to be a recipe for nothing but a disaster without great professional intervention. So many pieces to the puzzle, no?

Uhhh, uni, you can say that again and again........
Yeah, so many damn pieces to the puzzle. I didn't sign on at age 17 to be married to a freaking Rubiks Cube....


I don't believe he can stay sexually monogamous forever. Emotionally? Yeah- for the most part I do believe he loves me, only me, and always has. But I still think he loves himself more. What do I do?

unable,
I feel for you. My H was a prick during the A. He was unhappy, miserable and distanced from all of us. One thing is obvious in retrospect, as in most LTAs...he was not deliriously happy about himself while having the side-piece. Otherwise he could have, and would have merrily left.
I, as usual, chalked up his behavior to "work stress" and his usual poor handling of life issues. And we had a LOT of serious life and family issues going on during those years. That is why I tried and tried to get him to go to C'ing..even made MD appts for him.
Notice I said "we" had serious family issues. I surely had just as much stress.
That is also why the POS OW will NEVER get a reprieve from me for her culpability in the LTA. She KNEW what stress our family was under and still chose to be the slut parasite she was..

But I digress....
Oh, he faked it at times and acted the part of being present, and lied with complete skill.
But looking back he was not "there"....

I don't know how I would feel in your shoes, unable. I really don't.
Definitely like you say.."not safe," not secure in forging a new path if the old one had no markers to judge by.
Has he ever acknowledged any concern for how he himself managed to pull off being "wonderful" in both versions of his life? Can he not see how that kind of duplicity was not wonderful at all....just an actor wearing two similar costumes??

(((hugs, unable))))

[This message edited by numb and scared at 12:44 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:05 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He treats me well. He tries to show me his love & I hold it off because I don't believe he can stay sexually monogomous forever.

There were definitely disconnect issues on many levels once the betrayals started but when the physical part was over (due to a long distance move shortly after our "wedding"), we had a period where for the most part I got the same thing. Romantic, loving gestures big & small consistently from WS, even tho I still felt a part of the disconnect in significant ways, it got buried under other non WS / affair related things going on. So I know what it's like to do thru part of that experience, we were the "perfect couple" to our family / friends who were all equally shocked when DDay hit. But it also meant that I felt even more stupid / gaslighted when it hit & you can imagine what the second lustfest added to that (altho I was WAY more prepared for that one).

What it does mean is that at least you have the option of taking the time you need to make the best decisions for you. And definitely verify so you feel you know what is going on as much as possible. Then consider what you would need in place when & if all hell breaks loose again, & take the needed steps to get yourself there as much as possible.

Emotionally? Yeah- for the most part I do believe he loves me, only me, & always has. But I still think he loves himself more. What do I do?

Many men can easily separate sex from love, it's been that way for centuries but that is also a separate issue from what choices they make, particularly to honor their vows of loyalty / fidelity / honesty. And what you are saying is that you don't feel you can trust him not to be a ticking time bomb that will explode sooner or later & you don't want to be collateral damage again. So what would it take for you to feel safe about that? Do you even know at this point in time & if so, has he been willing to give those things to you or is he now? Or does he feel the betrayal trauma is behind you both?

Is it even possible to feel fully safe / secure after a LTA has taken place? Most likely, certainly not like in the pre-DDay period. So what can be put in place instead to make it worth putting the needed recovery effort for you, anything?

I'm not sure that I would agree with him loving himself more. In fact, I would say the opposite is more likely to be true. People that truly love themselves have significantly more self respect & much less need for outside validation in the form cheating takes, such as the lack of honesty or lack of honor or respect for themselves or those they made commitments to. They instead show how much they do love themselves by demonstrating good character / values / morals consistently, don't you think? They don't self sabotage & complicate their lives so unnecessarily & hurtfully in exchange for so little, they would be much more able to protect & cherish the truly important things (such as thier marriage) & people in their hearts / lives. So to me the bottom line question to my WS has persistently been "Why don't you love yourself enough to make better choices instead of destroying yourself the way you have by dishonoring, betraying & lying to yourself like you have, why don't you feel you deserve to truly love & be loved instead of embracing such horrific self sabotage so consistently?". We're going to working on that one for quite a while, as we have before I'm afraid...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting LostH. How do you find these things? Iím dead impressed! Anyhow, took the test and found Iím ISFJ

moderately expressed introvert 56%
moderately expressed sensing personality 25%
slightly expressed feeling personality 12%
moderately expressed judging personality 56%

http://www.knowyourtype.com/16_types.html
Protector Supporter: ISFJ
How Others May See Them
ISFJs are unassuming and quiet in their interactions, often putting the needs of others - especially family members - ahead of their own. They are uncomfortable with confrontation and will go a long way to accommodate others, through their respect for traditions and people's feelings can lead them to challenge actions they perceive as hurtful or insensitive. People see their values, their desire for structure and closure, their kindness. What others may not see is the wealth of rich, accurate internal Sensing impressions and memories.

Hmmm. Might take this to MC tonight. It also explains my need for him to timeline his A for me. Does that mean Iíll then be able to ďaccommodateĒ his A????

Now going back to read the rest of the posts having frittered over an hour away!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:37 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just told me yesterday that my "anger" contributed significantly towards his attraction to OW, who I call Saint OW who he says never argued with him. Of course he admits a superficial relationship with her & is how acknowledged a bit how much he picked fights / pushed my buttons in order to justify the unjustifiable.

Interesting. With me and OW it was just the opp. In the beginning, he was always telling her how wonderful I was. ďSaintlyĒ, in fact. And when I interacted with her, I had to show her that I am essentially a nice person and that I didnít deserve all this pain. Apparently they rowed alot, she was the screaming banshee and I was the one who never rose to the bait, try as he might to get me to argue. But there were times when he was in the A when he was

acting like an "unlovable POS"

and thereby justifying what he was doing. And I thought it was all work/court related. Geez. Writing it down makes it all sound so mental. Just WTF was he getting from it all? Beats me.


Unable. I donít know what to say. I mostly had that too. Only that he has to realise that the trust you had in him is gone forever and it is mostly up to him to find some way of getting it back. Itís probably all to do with the compartmentalisation and little boxes in the head. Lunchtime shag filed and of no importance once it was back in its box. For my FWH it was; see her, stay with her, shag her, make her think he loved her and would leave me, file it away under "about to detonate" and hope it would just fizzle rather than explode. (((((unable)))))

Unicorn:

Is it even possible to feel fully safe / secure after a LTA has taken place?

Sorry, but no. The view of my relationship, from its inception to DDay, has radically changed. It feels a complete lie and that makes me feel particularly sad for my children. Esp the youngest.

I never thought I would have to delve so deeply into the psychological make up of both of us. Life is for enjoying and living, for love and family and friends, for making the most of what you have. I have always counted my blessings. It turns out he didnít and was looking for something more when, in fact, he already had all he wanted.

Off to find something to smile about. Check in later.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Uk, I wish I could take the accolade, but this was a subject on a thread sometimes last year, and then I saw it again on yesterday. I did the test last year and again yesterday, and was actually hoping that I had changed types.
I hadnt.
Looks like you and I are the same types ISFJ.
When you google your type, you get more info. Interesting to see what type our H's are, and whether we would make good matched or not. Now if I can only get him to take the test...

***
Uk, I think its a good idea to get him to do the timeline. If his memory is not too good, maybe you could do it together, as you could encourage him with reminders like "Remember when X happened, what was happening with you?" sort of questions. However, let him have a go first, and then sit with him.

You are trying to recreate your life too. You are trying to fit in the pieces. We all have a right to this.

Unfort for me, my H doesnt remember almost anything of LTA#1, and not much of LTA#2. He has vague notions. I would LOVE for him to do this for us, but I gave up asking a long time ago. He says I know all he knows, which I doubt.He still maintains that LTA~1 was not a real A. He sees himself as having had only 1 A. He says because they didnt have sex, or didnt even see each other for long periods, it doesnt count. They just spoke about fucking each other or about their love and how they will be with each other oneday.But no, thats not an A. Thats just a friendship gone bad. Jackass.

****
Tried to talk to him last night, and it didnt go well.

Best he can tell me about why he resents me so much is:
*my holier than thou attitude throughout the M
* My obsession with having everything perfect
* My obsession with what others think of me
*the fact that he could never say anything negative to me because I would get so hurt and crushed
* the fact that I just didnt let up on him, always pushing and prodding

WOw, actually it looks like it did go well since he managed to say so much.


***
Run, selling the books is an excellent idea! You could even do it on SI.

***
UBC, why do you believe that he wont stay monagamous? Is this something that he has said, or have been derived in therapy?

***
Unicorn, H also said that he and OW#2 never fought or had angry words, even when he confronted her about the rumour that she was seeing another man (apart from her H and him). The only time she was angry with him was when he told her after dday that he had told me. But she called back straight after and apologised.

How sweet.
Really he should have M'ed someone like that. Who never gets angry, and is quite content to have 3 men on a string.Who never asks more than he offers. Fuck them.

***

((((((WEEPY))))))
Remember, we will be standing around you in theatre.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always counted my blessings. It turns out he didnít and was looking for something more when, in fact, he already had all he wanted.

Ukgirl, me too.
I think he wants things to be the way they were, with me changing my "bad traits" (nagging, talking about the A, reminding him what he is and who he was, crying mess)and keeping the good ones (devoted, faithful, non-confrontational, eager to please).
We did have it not all, but most of it, before. He was the weakest link, and because of that, we lost it all.Because of him and what he did, we are all sitting in this cesspool. If that is me blaming and not taking responsibility, then please put me straight, becasue I cant for the life of me, see it any different.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all, well I've done this too I'm ENFP

Slightly Extraverted 22%
Moderately Intuitive 25%
Distinctly Feeling 62%
Moderately Perceiving 33%

ENFPs are usually lively, gregarious, and sociable, with a large circle of friends. They are interested in almost everything and bring a zest of life that draws others to them. At the same time, they value depth and authenticity in their close relationships and direct great energy to creating and supporting open and honest communication. (from Know your type)

Very interesting, open and honest communication? Well been living outside of my comfort zone for a very long time then haven't I?

I had this done about 15 yrs ago as well, I'll see if I can find it, because my dad (who is in this kind of testing and NLP etc) says that actually it does change over time with life experiences. Gosh I wonder what we would all have been before? Even more interesting I wonder what our WS's would have been before compared to now?

I have to say I don't feel the zest of life bit of this at all at the moment I just laughed when I read that......



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
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