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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only be the person I want to be. IC kept telling me I was the only one who could make ME happy. She was right.
I can't control what H does or wants to do. I can only do what I want and live the life I want.
WH knows I expect NC and he is doing everything I have asked.
I know the A is over, but I also know if he wants to "check in" on her, I can't control that.
I can only control what my reaction is to that. Then he has to live with the consequences.
To me that is what R is. Knowing the expectations and living up to them. We both have to live up to our expectations of this M and if we aren't, we aren't in R.

HBH - I found this post that you wrote just about 10 days ago. Please listen to your own advice - re-read what you wrote - so many of your posts just from this LTA IX are so wise. You need to go back and read what you have told others and take care of you. Your H is not committed to R and it might be true also that he has always been maintaining contact with her throughout this false R period. I am so sorry but it is time to pull the 180 and start to take care of yourself. Your H is still in the fog, is keeping both options open for himself and is not committing to the M or R. Don't accept this. Make the choice for him since he doesn't seem willing or capable to make if for you.
((((HBH))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:08 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HBH))))

I am so so sorry.
I am sure your head is running off in every direction. I can only echo what everyone else has said.

What were the consequences of broken NC?
What can YOU live with at this time?

That stupid stupid man.

Please take care of yourself HBH.


****
Mum, sending positive vibes that it all works out well with sister.

How heartening to hear that H was there for you.
Stroking your hair whilst you were puking..aahh real love can be shown in so many ways!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum, sounds good with the collection procedure. Sorry to hear that it was not pleasant for you but I'm praying for speedy healing for you and a healthy pregnancy for your sister. What a gift of love you are giving. Glad also that H supports you in this.

{{{HBH}}} no 2x4 here, FNF's post is wise and others have said it all.

Weepy, your H needs a kick upside the head!!! Set him straight today. Tell us when the surgery is so we can be there in spirit for you.

So much V-Day aftermath! My roses are already looking sad... a sign perhaps? God, I hope not.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((HBH))))))))))))

I am so sorry. Just take care of you. Make deposits into your "you" account. That will eventually give you the strength to do what is right for you--because there will be no other choice.

I truly think the answer lies in us healing ourselves. We need to start taking the steps to do that. Our H's can't "heal" us. Once we become the people we are truly meant to be, our inner peace and happiness will be more important than anything else. So if it happens again, we won't be destroyed--we'll be done. And we will truly be at peace with that because preserving our "self" will be the only priority.

We just have to get there.

I know you want to believe him--God, I know how that feels. But you're a smart lady; you can't deny what you've read. Denying only prolongs your finding your "self". Don't be gaslit over this. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

There is still contact, and he's still lying. What are his consequences? If there are no consequences, there is no reason to stop. What are you going to do to take care of yourself in this? (And remember the 180 is for YOU, not him.)

--------------------------------------------------

(((((((((((((((mum))))))))))))))))

Oh, mum! You are such a great soul! Congratulations!

-------------------------------------------------------

Lost--I wish I had your IC.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to add:

STUNNED-DAD!!!

<<<<clasping hands in front of face>>>>

Please, please, pleeeeeaaaaase stick around! I value your advice and wisdom so much.

I didn't realise you were an LTA survivor.

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 11:58 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hbh, I'm so sorry--and I'm with fnf, take your own advice.

Mum, positive vibes from me as well.

weepy, good luck with your eye surgery. And ask what you want from H--hope he steps up to the plate.

Had an okay v-day--long discussion which whenever it involves H talking about how he feels, is always a struggle. He's still numb and sort of hopeless, and still can't give me what I need in some ways. He says he loves me and wants to be here, but when he's so much in a funk about how he feels about everything, it's clear that nothing I can do or am doing makes a difference.

Why do I need so much verbal reassurances? We are so much together, he's not seeing FOW except when we visit OC, and that's not for alone time, he does so many things that are part of reconciliation. His actions are speaking very loudly--but his sense of self and the future are so hopeless cuz of OC and his fear of what his R with our kids will be, that the R with me doesn't make a dent in his despair.

Now he doesn't show it, only when I push to hear about how he's feeling, then he tells me the truth, and then I feel worse cuz I don't matter as much as I fantasize that I do in how he feels. So is the answer to just coast along, take what I can get, be a little bitter or resigned, and do what I need to for myself?

And wait for him to get somewhere in his IC (which is on hold for the moment cuz of therapist difficulties--and he was getting somewhere, he says). Since I don't want to give up on what's positive, or my lifestyle here in our new home, or our family, I am trying to readjust my expectations--just like I had to on d-day--but still further.

I can't decide if H is just being so completely honest and self-reflective that it's hurts to see, if I'm so egotistical that I think I can help heal all the crap in him, unrealistic in thinking that he can help heal me completely, or just finally facing the future after an LTA with OC at our age>

Not really as depressed as I sound, just trying to readjust my mind a bit so as not to keep spinning my wheels over a unsolvable situation. And grateful that we have as much as we do at the moment.

Hugs to all going through their own crap.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((whimsey))))))))))))))


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey, just a thought, I know you've decided to wait to tell your children and I can imagine why, but given the funk your H is in, do you think this is weighing over him too heavily? It's like he is waiting for his life to be over when his children find out. It's almost like the affair is still ongoing for his children because they do not know.

I can't imagine how scary a situation for you this must be, but I just wonder whether the saying that we use so much on here "the truth will set you free" would apply to your children as well.

Thanks for all the good wishes everyone. We'll have to wait and see.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Wimsey))) As we all know time has a way of evening out some of the large bumps. Yes, the OC is there and always will be but considering your sitch it's still early days. Look at what's tempered out up to this point for you both. And then what will it be in 5 years, 10 years. Time has a way of scarring over the wounds so we don't feel anything but a dull ache every now and then. Time my friend. Let time take it's course. And look at what is now, today, in this moment. It's good. Hold that and let time do the rest. Things will sort their way out eventually, as it will for all of us. (((((Wimsey))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys!!

mum, I'm kicking and screaming all the way, but think you may be right about telling our kids. H has thought the sooner the better all along though it kills him, but has gone along with my reluctance to do it. (I guess another sign that he's in this with ME!!). It's been me who's reluctant.

Some of it is that I do not want them feeling sorry for me, looking at me and seeing only a BS and not their mom whom they love. Some of it is that I'm ashamed of what their father did--not cuz it was my fault or anything, just ashamed of my H's actions. Some is cuz I'm not really good at confrontations (though I've gotten soooo much better at it since d-day!). And most of it my fear about our future R with them and their SO's/wives. It will be so changed and it's been so good thus far-it's horrible to think about.

Ahhh, infidelity, as we know, the gift that keeps on giving.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey,

After reading your posts here, filled with such deep understanding, caring and compassion, I can't imagine that your children would be anything less than incredibly enlightened and wonderful people.

I'm sure they will be shocked, and will undergo a period of adjustment, but I bet they will end up being fully supportive of you and your husband, both.

As someone who lived most of my life in a constant state of worry and dread -- borrowing trouble so to speak -- I know that it is a terribly stressful place to be. It's like living a horrible event over and over a million times before it actually happens and dying a little bit more each time.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum,

I've got all fingers and toes crossed for your sister. Sorry it was so tough for you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of it is that I do not want them feeling sorry for me, looking at me and seeing only a BS and not their mom whom they love. Some of it is that I'm ashamed of what their father did--not cuz it was my fault or anything, just ashamed of my H's actions.

whimsey,
I understand your feelings. Very definitely why I have chosen to not tell close friends about the A. Once they would hear the part about our kids finding out and his threat that kept them silent to me.....there surely would be shock and pity....and perhaps unfounded criticisms of my kids' decisions. I couldn't bear any of that. I have said it before....all of you BS who also have the OC piece are amazingly strong women.

Some is cuz I'm not really good at confrontations (though I've gotten soooo much better at it since d-day!).

Amazing how the BS who has a history of non-confrontations, finds his or her voice....huh?
Perhaps one of the few upsides to being betrayed.

((((Hurtbuthappy,))))))

Many, many hugs to you.

Just wanted to mention something. The breaking of NC or never having honestly gone there to start with, can produce an odd form of detachment for you. If you let it.
You now know the beast, you know the pain, you know just how feeble and weak he is morally.
You can stand right next to that dysfunction and try and try to make sense of it. Like standing so close to a bonfire that you can literally get singed or even burned.
Or you can back up and stand away....observing the flames, aware of the heat, but not in any jeopardy of getting hurt more.
Visuals work for me and I used that when my H broke NC. I was horrified and reactive initially, but then there was a stoic observing and distancing. I was watching, not participating.
It was now "on him" to fix.
Zanny said it too, very eloquently, when she first posted after her recent revelation.

HBH,
Buy yourself some calming time...time to look inside, quietly and honestly.
He's not going anywhere. Even semi-retired cake-eaters are predictable.
You can afford to take time to do this.

Look at your fears, your doubts about yourself...and then..look at yourself as no one's wife, or mother, or daughter, or neighbor....just look at you.
She is quite a remarkable woman, in case you have forgotten about the REAL HBH.

mum,
Just seeing those three little embryos deciding which one will be the new baby.
The harvesting must have been hard. Rest up.....you surely have earned the R&R. Glad your H came thru for you.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 3:41 PM, February 16th (Saturday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Angry  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK ladies. Here it is. I'm not doing well. In fact, I'm boiling over with hate and resentment right now. I'm not at a place where I can suck it up and play nice for the sake of peace and quiet. I don't know why. It just is. But I am damn seething mad. I'm sure money issues don't help.

I don't want to talk because I have nothing nice to say.

I'm not interested in idle chit chat. It's bullshit and a meaningless waste of my time right now.

I don't want to be touched. No, I mean: DON'T.F**KING. TOUCH.ME.

Noises are bothering me again. Every.single.one. I can't handle the noise.

Answering his questions makes me sick. Just shut up.

Looking at him disgusts me.

And no...it's not PMS.

Am I at some predetermined spot in time in this "recovery"? I'm not at 2 years yet. So what is it?

Oh, and of course, "What is your problem?" really doesn't help me right now. Do you really want to know my effing problem? AGAIN? STILL?

Night before last (yes, f**king Valentine's Day), I sprewed the most God-awful venom. I knew it was hurtful. Didn't f**king care. Meant every single word.

He broke. Down to his knees.

Great for "recovery", eh?

Sad thing is, I was happy to see it. See something. The man is emotionally VOID. DEAD MAN WALKING. So to see ANY emotion was satisfying to me.

Nobody has to respond. I just need to say it. Purge this festering hate out of my system.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't want to be this person.

I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can be the person I want to be and stay in this marriage.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((run))))))))))))))

If it is any consolation, and I surely do not want to dilute your vent here (cuz you NEED to get this shit out).....you sound a lot like me these past 6 months, on and off.
Coming up on the dreaded two yr. mark..hoping to see a miracle of awareness....who the hell knows?
As you know, I had given myself that second year window to see if I could hang on.
Are you there too, unconsciously??

Or are you finally really looking at the whole deal, run ..??
ALL OF IT... and are feeling every miserable, resented part of it.

We all want to believe that in admitting their deeds and admitting their guilt, they will somehow transform from that depraved liar and cheater of the LTA into an even better version than they were pre-cheating.

Or do we settle for the "known."

Knowing that he may never cheat again, and hopefully did regain his ethics, and has a sense of the damage his ego rampage dumped on his wife and kids...but still he has "a learning disability" of a sort."

And seriously...
Could any LTA cheater NOT have innate cognitive failings and weaknesses??

It hurts like hell, on top of all the hurt already present, to realize this reality. But there it is...

run, it sounds like you really need a time-out..from everyone and everything.
Even if for only short breaks.

And it is okay to sometimes not feel anything.....not to feel like you HAVE to respond or stroke.
Sometimes that is the safest thing to do.

Adding: Money problems certainly can add to your fury and doubt.

Hugs, my dear freind.....lots of hugs

[This message edited by numb and scared at 5:59 PM, February 16th (Saturday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run,

All I can offer is a hug. I went in and out of those kinds of feelings for much of year two.

I had a period where I couldn't stand to be around my husband when he ate. The way he ate drove me crazy.

I used to have dreams where I would kick the shit out of him. Really primal stuff. This was past the point where I was venting verbally at him, so maybe it was just that I had a lot of ongoing anger that was manifesting itself in different ways. I really didn't stop venting verbally because I felt he didn't deserve it, I stopped because that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. But I was still rage-ful toward him and in came out in more subtle, contemptuous ways and in dreams.

Could that be what's happening with you?

I can't remember. Are you guys in counseling of any kind either MC or IC? Is he open to change?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run, sweetie, we're just on our way out but checked in here quickly and now I know why. ((((((Run)))))) You're not nuts. Just is. Just what we all go through. Ride it out. It's just a new version of the roller coaster. Hurt turns to anger, turns to hurt, turns to anger - Get it all out here hon. We're here. xoxoxo And remember, homicide is NOT and option. But it should be!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Run))))I've stayed out of here except to read for the last few days b/c I too have been feeling the same way. So I can relate to what you are going through. I've been more numb than angry though. But I get what you're talking about when you say you don't want anything to do with H. I can't hardly even bring myself to look at mine right now. And he's lurking over my shoulder so I'll check back later.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all want to believe that in admitting their deeds and admitting their guilt, they will somehow transform from that depraved liar and cheater of the LTA into an even better version than they were pre-cheating.

Or do we settle for the "known."

Knowing that he may never cheat again, and hopefully did regain his ethics, and has a sense of the damage his ego rampage dumped on his wife and kids...but still he has "a learning disability" of a sort."

This is it. We hope they'll transform. And when they don't, we hope again tomorrow. And how long do we do that? Cuz' I'm not getting any younger. And frankly, I have a lot to offer someone ELSE. Someone who gives something back to me in return.

And even if he does transform, that doesn't erase what he did. And I think that's the bottom line. Why would I want this? A man who would do this to me? Whose love for his family didn't make him strong enough when he said he was "so weak". What an ass. I'm an ass.

It's not like he righted his wrongs, saw the light of day and became the man of my dreams--where I was left thinking, "Oh, it's all been worth it." He's still lacking in all of the areas that allowed him to cheat in the first place. He's still the same.

And another thing... IF I would have have done this, I would show some kind of desperation. FEAR. My GOD, I could lose my family! Look what I've done! Please don't LEAVE me. Desperate. Psychotically desperate. Not him. Emotionally void. Nada.

So who f**king cares.

I must be some kind of stupid.

I can't remember. Are you guys in counseling of any kind either MC or IC?

Our MC closed up shop. Literally. I think we drove him right out of town.

Plus, he sucked. What a waste of time.

Is he open to change?

Oh he says he's open to change. But what is it we say around here??? Actions, actions, actions. 20 months guys. 20 months later. Same man, different year.

I know what I want to be. I know the kind of person I want to be. I just really don't know if I can be her and stay with him.

I'm so f**ked up. There's so much of me to fix. I don't want to deal with his shit anymore.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The way he ate drove me crazy. "

Geez, BT......you too?

Everything he did or said was fingernails on a blackboard.

Yep...VERY deliberate nasty dreams of what I wanted to do.....

Run, hon....you are not alone in this....just know that.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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