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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still reading through, but Lost Heart, I wanted to thank you. You make me think and really give great advise. I need to quit tiptoeingand addressall the issues. I plan to do that in MC b/c she is so supportive with that stuff. It helps that she is always on my side! lol


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS did say that the battle to tell the truth besides being self protective was because facing the whole real truth of what he'd done was just too horrible. If he told me the real truth he'd have to admit to himself how terrible what he did for so long was. He hasn't elaborated much on that yet.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
stunned-dad
Member
Member # 3488
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow so many pages on multiple repeat titled thread LTA.

Nothing to add just wow.


BS-Me 47 WS-Wife 40 Kids-D13 S10
DD 11/20/02 Affair lasted 2 1/2 years. OM sexual predator 12+ prior affairs. Wife had suppressed sexual abuse/rape issues she hid.

Life gives us us sorrow so we can have something to measure happiness with.


Posts: 6152 | Registered: Feb 2004
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stunned-dad,
Nice to see you pop in here.
Come in anytime...your thoughts and experience are valuable.
We are our own support and therapy group here.


Wow is right...worked all day and am now reading all the posts from last night on...

uni,

I forgot to put YOU of all people on the tribal list......as if LTA talk and uni are not synonyms.

The battle of telling the truth vs continuing self-protective behavior is sooo much a part of the post D-day world of LTA's.
I do believe it is equally a need to cover one's ass for such heinous betrayal, and also to avoid the reality of acknowledging to self the choice of the OP. It is the last stronghold of any pride or dignity they have left.

To have to pull down that fabricated wall of the secret life and let light in on just how dark and sordid and meaningless a hole it was... to us, the BS....and most importantly to themselves... is an effort that screams denial and avoidance.

The retrospective look at it as just a common, typical, low-life affair.....not special, not unique, not decent, not "real"...just a disgusting waste of their dignity and honor.
To have to pull their proverbial head out of that proverbial delusion is the final comedown.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 7:46 PM, February 15th (Friday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to jump in before bed... my H has never said his As were anything but selfish f-fests. He didn't need to "come out of the fog" on that.

What HE denies is what many of them do is that the LTA was not the same as seeing a different pro once a month. She was way more convenient, so accessible more frequently and he KNEW her outside the forum of a bedroom.

He knows it was crap, knows he was sick and crazy to have entered into anything like that. I get it.

But his refusing to even let me look into it is what keeps me separate. I know I'll NEVER hear what you all have heard "there's more and I have to clear up the lies I've told."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody up?

Just did something I haven't done in a while... journaled about a subject from 30 years ago... our engagement.

And it's another thing I can't let go of until I hear him admit he was not in love with me all those years. It wasn't until he finished with the last GF in Texas. He said she was a "just making sure Weepy is the one" thing. But that means he wasn't sure I was until he came home to ask me to marry him. 5 years of stringing me along, 5 years of NOT meaning what he said.

So how could our M have survived at all entering into it under that kind of deceit.

I don't know why this is getting to me tonight except that H is sick, we had to cancel MC and I just got the news that I need eye surgery next Tuesday and he decided he's "not concerned". But I was concerned about his back, had the heating pad ready when he came home, ready to give him a rub down. Once again my worries, my pain is on hold because his is more urgent.

HE's asleep and I'm upset. What's wrong with this picture?

I was going to ask for help in letting go of the hurt from something that happened 30 years ago (although I just found out on Dday) but now I'm just mad.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rationalization - a lie you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about what you're doing or about a situation.

It explains the move to Texas after 5 years of dating me. It explains the GF IN Texas. It explains his conspiracy theories. It explains the length and depth of his affairs. He rationalized everything away.

That and his fear. Which seems oddly juxtaposed since we usually try and rationalize AWAY fears.

He need to escape. From an overbearing family from a long time GF, from a situation where he realized he'd have to make a commitment or lose her. This was a great way to postpone that final decision.

Just like the affairs. He kept me strung along while he explored his freedom, just in case it didn't work out. SO he unconsciously chose women who would in reality never "work out". Because if he didn't, then he'd be forced into another commitment. This way he really didn't HAVE to choose. And Weepy was sitting at home waiting for him just in case.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unicorn, thank you.

SoL, glad I could help.

***
Weepy, I am going to try to be gentle with you, even though I am screaming at you in my head.


I don't know why this is getting to me tonight except that H is sick, we had to cancel MC and I just got the news that I need eye surgery next Tuesday and he decided he's "not concerned". But I was concerned about his back, had the heating pad ready when he came home, ready to give him a rub down. Once again my worries, my pain is on hold because his is more urgent.
HE's asleep and I'm upset. What's wrong with this picture?

Lets break it down.
You got upsetting news.You need eye surgery. From what we know about your H, it would have been rare for him to make this an issue of importance immediately, for him to speak to you about your fears and concerns, or to even comfort you.
Your best hope would have been to discuss this in MC, but that got cancelled.

So then you thought if you treated H really well, and took care of him, he would have (by some miracle) done the same for you.

He, true to form, didnt.
Now you are angry at him, and angry with yourself. But most of all, very very hurt.

BUT instead of dealing with this issue, you brought in an old one.Why Weepy? Isnt this one big enough? Dont you feel justified to feel what you feel, that you need to bring in an old valid issue to express your feelings?

You are going for SURGERY. Thats a biggie! He should have been on top of it. he should have shown some concern and worry. But he didnt. And to make it worse, YOU MADE HIM FEEL BETTER!

Weepy, what stopped you from saying to H before you tried to heal his stupid back problem, "H, I am really worried about this surgery. I am scared. I need to be comforted."

But you didnt give voice to that. You behaved like it was no big deal, and he reacted accordingly.

What if you said after his not concerned comment, "H, you had better be concerned. They are going to be performing SURGERY on my EYE.So take an aspirin for your back, and then come here and make me feel better, because this is scaring the **** out of me!"

Weepy, I am sorry that your H is too dense sometimes, and needs to be told what is needed. I am sorry that you are going to have this surgery and that you are scared and feeling alone.

Its going to be ok Weepy. You are going to be ok. Hey, you still have your other eye, right?
Just joking.

Try again with him this morning Weepy. He has been known to get it right (on that blue moon). And if he does respond well, receive it Weepy. Dont let the old stuff come into it now. Just receive it.

And if he doesnt get it, then we will all have a Mr Weepy bashing/venting session on Monday, ok?

((((((WEEPY))))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anybody on here?

I see I have missed alot the last 2 days, but I can't read it all right now. Just don't have it in me.

I wanted so much to reclaim V-day as ours and thought we had. Had a nice day and dinner out.

Then yesterday I decide to check WH's emails. Haven't done it in a long time and not sure why I felt the need.

Found an email he sent her on V-day. He thanked her for the present and wished her a Happy Valentine's Day. POS

So, I ask him very carefully when he last heard from her. Tells me months ago. Lying, cheating son of a bitch lied right to my face again!! Told him to pack his bags and get out, I am done with this double life.

We talked all morning, he hasn't left and I don't know what to do.

I know they aren't still seeing each other, but I can't believe anything he tells me anymore about NC. He doesn't seem to get, NC means absolutely NC.

He agreed to go back to MC but I don't know if I can go back down this road again. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but it has been a year and he won't or hasn't totally given her up.

All I can do is sit here and cry. Part of me wants to believe what he has told me, I want to go back to where we were before yesterday. But part of me knows I cannot trust him and don't know if I ever will.

I know you all will have some choice things to say and I will probably get hit with a 2x4 from some of you. Be gentle, I can't take much more.

[This message edited by hurtbuthappy at 9:02 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4's here. I just feel so bad for what has happened. Violations of NC are salt poured right into the wound. I think you may need to pull back hard. He needs some repercussions for his actions and to realize that by him still pinning for OP he is going to lose you.

No more cake eating!

Poor poor girl I feel so bad for you.

((((hurtbuthappy))))


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt,

I have just a few moments right now....

Sorry you have to face this.

If he isn't seeing her, how was the "present" delivered?

Of course, NC is not being maintained...and you are not getting the truth. I don;t mean the "detail/ trickle" truth..but the absolute reality that you are in false R.

Breath, calm down......access your options.

TTYL


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my heart hurts for you, no advice but i'm sure someone wise will be along soon..they are always here when you need them it seems..i should know..

(((HBH))))

[This message edited by mindisgone at 9:15 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH:

If there is enough feeling there for them to still be exchaning gifts and words of caring on the day set aside for lovers then his commitment to real reconciliation has been half-hearted at best.

He is still splitting part of his heart off for her, and part of his mind, too. And he is holding you off with lies. I could not live with him and try to reconcile with him still in contact with her.

What are you willing to live with?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
canbird
♀ Member
Member # 17238
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh HBH I know how horrible you feel right now? Why can they not seem to get that NC means NC? Why do they have to insist on dragging you down just when you think you are finally treading water? Stick to your guns girl! My husband has been living in a hotel for the last month because of his need to cake eat. It is hard but you deserve a better life. Personally I am tired of playing Inspector Gadget (every day I had to check up on every little techie gadget just to see what he was really up to). My thoughts hugs and prayers are with you. This sucks!


I know now that in the heart of my angel, lies the soul of the devil.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH, So sorry to hear this honey. SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!!! We all know the drill here - no sudden decisions. Give this some time HBH but in that time think about what YOU need. There are no words he can offer to lessen what he's done. He is allowing a destructive force to continue in your M and still hasn't come clean. IMO there's no difference if he's in full blown A or not with her. He's still deceieving and still continuing A behavior. It's time for you to take inventory to see what you need/want/have to have for you future. Going back to MC isn't going to do shit if he isn't willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get his broken self patched up. It's just a salve that worked for him before. This is no longer about you hon. You've done your work and held up your end in the reconciliation. He has to make the choice of what he wants and fight for it - that is, if you're even to continue. Take a few days or week and just BE with yourself. At this point, nothing he says is going to make this situation any different. Like BT said, he's still splitting his heart and lying. Step back from him and go into yourself. Think about who you are and what you want for yourself. (((((((HBH)))))) Will be holding you in my thoughts and prayers.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH I'm so sorry to hear your news. I know how it feels to still find out about contact. It stinks. Just get selfish and try and look after yourself for a bit. He quite obviously is going to do whatever he wants. Take your time, but do what's right for you. What do you want from YOUR life?

*****

Had the egg collection yesterday, got 7 eggs resulting in 3 embryos that are good enough to transfer. So that will happen on Monday. It actually was more painful and harder than I imagined, but it's done and now it is up to my sister's body to do what needs to be done. I'm not particularly religious at all but any of your good thoughts would be gratefully accepted.

I've still got two more weeks of injections where they'll take me back into a fake menopause to stop the multiple egg production and then hopefully I'll go back to normal. So, only too weeks left to be totally hormonal with H .

H came through while we were in the hospital holding my sick bowl for me when I had a violent reaction to the morphine after the procedure. He even stroked my hair while I was being sick. Aaaaah.......



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear the procedure went well Mum. Sending lots of good vibes across the big pond for a successful egg. What a wonderful and loving gift. Very happy to hear your H was right there for you and being so gentle and kind. I'm sure he's seeing even more what a wonderful and generous wife he has.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hbh)))I am so sorry. I can't believe that 1) he broke NC but worse 2) he LIED about it. I do not understand why they don't get that the lying, even about stupid little things, is such a deal breaker. But lying about big things, especially NC is just so selfish. He is not thinking about you, hon. He is only thinking of himself.

I echo the other. Take care of yourself. Maybe the 180? but make sure whatever you do it is about you. I will try to be on and off all day if you just want to talk.

Mum - I am so proud of you. What an amazing sacrifice on your part. And, for you H to be there and do the right things makes it even more special. I will be keeping your sister in my thoughts and hoping for a little baby mum.

In the meantime, take advantage of your hormonal state to get it all out...you have a good excuse!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hurtbuthappy))

mum, hope all goes well. Sending good, growing thoughts across the pond.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Steeler, we BOUGHT a house that was a total remodel during the A. Took us a year of working on it to make it livable. We were at it day and night (well, except when I was working and he was screwing around).

It does boggle my mind that we were here building something brand new, something we'd waited years for. And he was (he says) wrapping up his LTA and weaning himself with pros.

BUT he swears he didn't F anyone once we moved in.

It's positively mind boggling what was (might even still be) going on in their pea brains.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
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