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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Sad  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came in here intending to bitch about the latest round of commando parenting with an NPD, only to find that Heartless Bytch has lost a daughter and has to deal with an NPD as well. I searched for her most recent posts, only to find that they were not really very frequent, understandably. Is there anything we can do??? Does anyone know how we can reach out to her???


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe))),
I'm sending out a minor SOS...

STBXPDW is at it again, it would appear. Kids are having issues with her to the point where they again don't want to be at her place too often.

She disappeared on them Friday nite. The rages are back. The house sounds to be chaotic, disorganized, messy and dirty. When the kids are there, she needs to go get food for them. Dirty dishes abound. The kids have stated that the house is not in the same condition it was when we lived there. All has gone down hill there.

Reports that come to me via "word in the street" and by checking her myspace postings are that she hangs around two girls connected with the coke trade, she's in the bars often, parties occur at the house with her brother when the kids aren't there, etc.

Her brother apparently lives there and he does have a job in town. I've sen him at his job. STBXPDW denies to the kids that he lives there although he has his own room. LOL.

She's left them at her mother's even though there is a first right of refusal. She still hasn't signed the mediation aggreement. She works at a resturant on one of the days she has the kids for a few hours after school and has been leaving the kids in the care of her brother, who lives with her, or her sister who lives on the other side of the duplex. On and on it goes...

Kids only want to stay there one nite a week, as they have been since mediation and no longer want to stay every other weekends. They'd rather be home with me.

"NPD Freaks" suck.

Back to the battle I guess.

Thoughts?

Thanks.

BoB

ETA: DD9 ran away from STBXPDW's today because of STBXPDW was raging.

[This message edited by bobelina at 6:53 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darn Bob. Your poor girls.

Veritas please vent if it will help. I have had a difficult week as well. I lost it with my kids a few times because they just won't listen when I ask them to do things to help. I feel like I am the only one who does anything.

I know we have it good because we have our children but some days it just so hard.

(((((Tribe)))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lied))),
Tell the Boyz, Uncle BoB said to, "Mind thier Mom," or he's coming up there !!! LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((bob))) Poor children. It seems they are ever caught in the crossfire.

That's what I am going through now as my husband is seriously devaluing the kids. The other night, I was actually giving him some points because he was engaging our 15-year-old son in discussion about computers. This is a man whom usually, the only words he speaks to his children are angry ones. Later on, he told me that he really got a lot of work done on a project. Apparently, he needed someone to talk to, and 15-year-old son was a good audience. It was like, I should have known it was all about him. I'd been helping him on that project, but my part was done (that was a story and a half, too -- he's the worst teacher, he told me that he threw out everything I wrote because it was so bad, then when he asked for my help again, he admitted that he kept everything I did and was planning on using it in the future). I can't imagine having to sit by him for hours at a time listening to him yonk. I've done it, but I'm an adult, a sucker, and a doormat. I can't imagine being a kid and having to listen to him ramble for hours upon end.

A couple of weeks ago, Lola had a seizure at school on a Thursday when she also had a home visit. I went home early to clean for the home visit and forgot my phone, and the boys claimed to have lost theirs. To find it, I sent a text message from the computer, and lo, it miraculously showed up. So I called my voicemail and got the message from the daycare. I got to the daycare, and they told me that they had gotten in touch with my husband and he was on his way. Wouldn't you know he was pissy when I called him. "Do I have to treat you like a 2-year-old?" Aren't you her parent, too, genius? Oh, that's right; you have doubts...

Then Saturday night, I am trying to assemble 8 sandwiches and put them on a hot griddle before the butter burns. He goes outside to smoke, leaving our 2-year-old daughter in the living room. She crawls to meet me in the kitchen. My other son is in there, but he is cooking soup. Husband comes in and decides that L doesn't need to be on the floor; she needs to sit on a chair with a wire frame for the back, mostly open spaces, no arms, and is two feet off of a tile floor. Then he leaves! I'm standing there trying to think of why in the hell he would do that because we have had the conversation about not putting our handicapped daughter who has restricted mobility in her arms and her legs in any situation where she can't brace herself if she falls. Sure enough, two minutes later, I hear a thud, and she has fallen face first onto the floor, chipped two teeth and is bleeding copiously. In the meantime, Father of the Year, who couldn't wait to smoke, and who insisted on putting her in that chair, comes running. He's "angry" and is going to take a walk. He barely looks at her before going back to his work. In the meantime, she's screaming and our 13-year-old is hyperventilating because he "should have saved her."

And that's just been him and the kids for the past few weeks. Not to mention how he called one morning all panicky because he had forgotten his medicine at home (he takes 3 meds for HPB and high cholesterol), he was sooo busy at work and didn't think he could come home for lunch -- could I take it to him on my way to work? I have a very tight schedule, so I knew it would make me late, but it's his health, right? Well, when he left the house in the morning, he had on his tennis shoes. He HATES tennis shoes. He only got them because he was going somewhere out of town and was going to do a lot of walking. Anyhow, I pull up to his office, and whom do I see but one of the officeskanks that he instant-messages all day all dressed up in her work-out clothes. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what was taking up his extra time; he and his full-figured princess were working out together while I did the errand girl thing for him, making MYSELF late for work in the process. Never again.

Oh, it's been fun, boys and girls...


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I'm new but not new to NPD. The ex has NPD and I've been divorced from him for 4 years; was married 30. I just found out that the real reason he left was that he had a girlfriend and married her right after we divorced. I have so much anger, and I can't get it all out of my mind and it exhausts me.

I'm feeling like a pathetic soul right now because I feel this way after 4 years. But then I see the post in here talking about a woman who has lost a daughter and is dealing with an NPD. My heart goes out to her. Why does life seem to throw unbearable events into the midst of dealing with the NPD's?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the Tribe, Out. We are a pretty tight-knit group here because, let's face it, most people in the non-NPD world think our stories about life with an N are too fantastic to be real. We must be making it up, right? I mean, the N is so nice, helpful and charming. S/he couldn't be as bad as all that, really?

'Scuse me a moment:

Okay. Now that I'm recovered...

My first question to you is: are you in IC (individual counseling)? Meeting regularly with an IC can help you rebuild, brick by brick, your self-esteem. The most damage done to us is to our self-esteem, and we begin to doubt our natural abilities and talents. We also begin to doubt things about the very core of ourselves. You'll hear some "new" folks on the NPD thread ask, "Am I crazy? Do I have NPD?" You'll also hear them after they've moved on significantly, "How can I trust my judgment now?" An IC can help you work through all of that. Reconstructing is PAINFUL. I won't lie about that. But the pain doesn't come because something in you in wrong. The pain is caused by the realization that you were beaten down to the point you were.

One thing you'll see here over and again is that the NPD-survivors are strong, unbelievably kind and empathetic, and more often than not hysterically funny folks. Know why this is? It's because we've always been this way. NPDs are drawn to the best and brightest. Remember, in an N's world, the N is deserving of the very best. Therefore, the N deserves you.

Well, for a while. But then you see something behind his/her mask that he/she doesn't want you to see, and the N will turn on you. And that's where the fairytale, whirlwind romance you had ends. That's when hell begins.

Know what's left after you've walked through hell? A strong, unbelievably kind and empathetic, and more often than not hysterically funny person.

The very core of you has not changed. It will not change. The ways in which you deal with certain things will have changed, a great deal I'm afraid. But you are the same wonderful, loving and beautiful person on the inside that you always were.

And that's what the NPD thread is about. We're all working on re-discovering that core of ourselves.

Warm hugs for you. I'm glad you're with us.

[This message edited by Threnody at 7:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threnody, I appreciate all you've said so much. Oh, I do have that issue that most people just don't get it. The gaslighting especially. And he was so charming and loved. Although, some friends and family have told me that he wasn't who they thought he was. For sure.

Before separating, he wanted to go to counseling. I realize it was because he thought she'd say I was messed up and off he'd go with his excuse and the image remains in tact. The counselor told me he believed 100% it was all my fault. Well, lo and behold, HE is NPD. So I kept going to see her after he quit (3.5 mos). It was helpful and I've been thinking about going back for a few visits. I can't really afford a lot of it.

I have come a long way when I think about it. This just stirs up all those memories. I also now know he was living with her while we were separated and she is the friend of the friend of my worst enemy another NPD. (I AM an NPD magnet.) The best thing I did was to cut off all contact with him completely. My only revenge is that I didn't make a big fuss over him.

I did ask myself if I had NPD! And I asked my counselor if I'd been living this lie so long, then who am I? I am working on that.

It's interesting what you've said about being hysterically funny. My coworkers were just saying last night that I'm very funny and witty.

It helps a lot just to be able to "talk" it out. Some friends cannot believe it's been 4 years and this is troubling me. You've given me much to hang onto.

I am looking forward to communing with such a wonderful group.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OutFromUnder)))

Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys,

Read, read, read and then maybe do some reading. These threads are laoded with stuff.

Everything (((Threnody))) said above is spot on.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob and Veritas - the parent thing sucks. The freaks are incapable of parenting. I had big issues with this and my consellor said I have to accept that his idea of parenting is not the same as my own (or most normal people) otherwise it would drive me crazy. I do tend to get a bit fed up with all of the accepting I have to do!
We are not dealing with normal people; we observe them messing up their kids lives then we have to pick up the pieces. NO justice again!
My ex is on his second holiday this year. The kids are off school for two weeks and I have not had a five minute break. He phoned them last night to tell them he is having a great holiday. What a freak!
There is no winning with these freaks as parents - all we do is pick up the pieces and I am sick of it...but there is no alternative.
I have no advice bob and veritas, other than just keep doing what you are doing.

Out - getting over contact with an npd freak is incredibly difficult. I imagine I will also suffer the effects for some years to come. I don't know if all of the issues can be dealt with. My counsellor tries to get me to accept things as they are rather than how I wish them to be.
For me it is the self-esteem issue that is the worst thing. Before I met him I was confident and happy. Now I don't actually recognise myself as ever having being that person. I feel ugly and stupid. But as Thren said it is rebuilding self-esteem brick by brick. I guess the solid foundations are there; I just have to remember that!
We are a very understanding group who knows what it is like to experience and survive madness.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the beat goes on!

N is being very charming and sweet.

I'm trying not to pity him (because I do) but IC said once I can arrive at this stage of feeling sympathy for such a broken POS...then I'm close to The Finish Line.

She also reminded me that spring intensifies mania so I must be ever wary of The freaky SNAKE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itsa, the bad part is that I am still living with my freak, and the thing about these freaks is that he's still living in la-laland. He tries to kiss me in front of the kids, when I walk in with the baby, he wants to hug us both -- the other day, he even called in the boys for a family hug. I'm barfing now because I can't do that in front of the kids.

Mainly it's because I haven't been really mean or angry about anything lately (not outwardly, anyway), so he thinks everything is hunky-dory! He's even suggesting that we work together on future projects, even though he dissed me and my work on this project. I admit, even I get sucked into it sometimes because I keep forgetting that normal in anything is just not possible. Our son was involved in some horseplay with one of his friends yesterday, and he ended up getting hit in his privates. He was okay (after a while) last night and part of this morning, but then he got up off the sofa and doubled over. I left him at home with some Motrin and an ice pack (he's 13), but when I went home for lunch, he was still in some pain and had some nausea. I IM'd numbnuts (probably a poor choice of words) to tell him, and he immediately starts talking about how he can't do anything, he's been performing poorly at work, his boss came in with another guy and yelled at both of them, he's got another late project, yada yada. I feel vaguely sympathetic because even though those things are his fault, his boss was a tad bit out of line unless it was the same project.

Then I get an IM from him asking if that is a can of gasoline in the corner. You have no time to go see about your son, who may have lost blood flow to one of his testicles, and you fear for your job, but you're sitting up on IM? Craziness.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I can't believe how much posting on here has helped me out already. My ex NPD cheating husband thoughts have diminished and I'm sleeping easier.

Bob, I like the "Island of Misfit Toys" and I have been reading through posts. So many similarities out there.

Itsabattle, I'm not even sure I know who I am or who I was, I've been with narcissists so long. One thing I've been thinking is we must be fairly easy-going people to have put up with so darned much. Not at all who they've said we are.

I read a lot of stories and I know it could have been worse for me. I think mine was the master of complete and total indifference. I've never known anyone who could make me feel so much like I didn't even exist and was of absolutely no consequence. That was what he did best. He wasn't as verbal as some. I'm thinking he was one of the "stealth" NPD's.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OutFromUnder)))

Glad to hear that the Thread has been helpful.

I can not take credit for "Island of Misfit Toys", as that credit belongs to (((Threnody))).

------

As far as the BoB Report, STBXPDW is as unskillful as ever (Imagine that). LOL.

(((Tribe)))

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
plant_flowers
♀ Member
Member # 18523
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never posted to this thread, so I'm not so clear what the etiquette regarding thread jacking is here (so I'll also post this in D/S).

My question is whether anybody feels their NPD X is dangerous. I have now told his current SO (mostly online and phone, although also some in-person meetings) about the fact that we were in a relationship when they met and that he doubled up for quite a few months without either of us knowing it. When I found out about the A and told my then NPD BF that I was going to tell her, he flew into a rage and threatened that he'd mess with my life/career. Then I found her site online and thought she seemed kind of nuts too, but not like him. And unlike him, she actually seemed to be falling for him, whereas he only posts hundreds of pictures of himself. Now after more than 3 months, I finally emailed her. She asked to see proof and I provided her with a few emails that make it a pretty open and shut case. She thanked me for telling her.

I had agonized over this decision pretty much since DDay (some may remember my post on this). While I felt empowered and good about what I had done at first, I'm now scared that he'll come after me. I know these people can carry grudges for years and I read that those convicted of violent crimes have a very high degree of NPD. He's never shown signs of violence, but I also feel that he's so cold and devoid of compassion. I'm also worried because I feel like his life is really coming undone and now I've messed with his fantasy online life as well. I've thought about contacting his therapist to give him my contact information, just in case he gets a dangerous vibe, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. Ugh, I'm kind of freaking out. But hoping I'm just being paranoid and that this too shall pass. Any advice and talking me through this would be much appreciated.
p_f

[This message edited by plant_flowers at 2:04 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


DD: December 31, 2007

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Germany
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plant_flowers: You've done the decent thing and told his girlfriend. Now it's time for you to back off and let go of him. You'll be much better off when you do, I promise.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
plant_flowers
♀ Member
Member # 18523
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you're undoubtedly right. I feel calmer tonight. Thanks.


DD: December 31, 2007

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Germany
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help me get this through my head! The other woman is NOT about me; she's about Narcissistic Supply. The new marriage is not going to be successful because he is a narcissist. The old patterns will repeat.

Why do I have to keep telling myself this over and over and over?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OutFromUnder,
Why do I have to keep telling myself this over and over and over?

Because you have that fear that we all have. You are afraid that he will remain that wonderful person YOU fell in love with forever with her. She is somehow magically more wonderful than you and she will keep them in the glorious state of bliss they are in now. You are afraid that he will never "flip" and show his ugly side to her.

He will, and he most likely has. If you're like me, you didn't run for the door the first time Mr. Hyde showed himself. I didn't even run the second time. I kept it a secret for FAR too long.

Like you, I am five or six years out of my NPD nightmare. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be completely over it. The hurt, and just how downright evil, callous and uncaring these people are is completely shocking. They are totally unhuman

My XNPDH was having affairs, had a baby, had a fiance, etc, etc, etc, while we were married. I didn't have a clue. He had somehow convinced ME that our marital proplems were mine and mine alone. "I was paranoid, I wrongfully accused him of infidelity, I was insecure....blah, blah, blah...." This was his diagnosis of course, but I still went to therapy to get help for myself and save the marriage.

Imagine my shock, horror and RAGE when I found out the truth. He never offered any explanation, and actually continued to deny everything. Said I was "imagining things" again. He blamed it all on me, filed for divorce and he and his family launched a smear campaign I'll never forget.

Sick, sick, sick.

He's still with the "fiance."

This is how I deal with it. Even IF he was wonderful to her in the beginning, I KNOW that he cannot keep up the facade. As far as I'm concerned, she deserves him.

Just keep trying to focus on you. Get busy doing the things that you let slip away when you were so busy putting HIM first. Get back to you. Be a little selfish. It's okay.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
32years2day
♀ Member
Member # 14016
Funny  Posted: 5:53 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again-not posted for absolute ages but keep an eye on everyones progress.

Lots of new members-welcome to you all to our ((tribe)) although I prefer ((clan))forobvious reasons

I've been free of my rumplestiltskin for just overa year now and he is still with OW barfly who is now his Fiancee!

Over this year he has left her ,pretty well once a month,and I have a letter that she wrote him about this and have had hangup calls,messages left on my home phone and my daughter(middle)has had dodgy texts to the effect that her dad doesn't need her as he's got a bed elsewhere.A real classy lady-not-and obviously enjoying her relationship with Mr Wonderful

I must confess thati have allowed him to stay on my couch but we all have to deal with our own in a way that keeps us safe.Thats how I found out about their "engagement"as I was beside him when she Phoned to demand his whereabouts.He told her he was at my house(small village-houses less than a quartermile apart)she demanded to know why as after all you're not engaged to her anymore.Nearly PSML.His explanation for this was that as I'd said I hope they enjoyed their typical Rumplestiltskin Xmas,which means he spoilt it for everybody,when he had asked her what she wanted she said a ring and so he bought it but he is NOT engaged and even if I divorce him he would NEVER marry her as I FORCED him into being there when I flung him out!

So to anyone out there like Outfrom,as Sadtoo says they are the same beast only the elephant is no longer in our room,thank God.

With regards to my kids,because they are all adult are free to have the relationship they want with their dad but only my son stuck with it as they drink together but even he has given up on him and told his dad to keep away from me-which he has done for six weeks now-the longest ever in 34 years but I know from reading on here that they have a habit of popping up even years up the lineand so I continue to enjoy my freedom and take one day at a time.

Special mention for HB-thats one thing I hope i never face and my heart goes out to her and her family


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

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