STBXPDW is at it again, it would appear. Kids are having issues with her to the point where they again don't want to be at her place too often.
She disappeared on them Friday nite. The rages are back. The house sounds to be chaotic, disorganized, messy and dirty. When the kids are there, she needs to go get food for them. Dirty dishes abound. The kids have stated that the house is not in the same condition it was when we lived there. All has gone down hill there.
Reports that come to me via "word in the street" and by checking her myspace postings are that she hangs around two girls connected with the coke trade, she's in the bars often, parties occur at the house with her brother when the kids aren't there, etc.
Her brother apparently lives there and he does have a job in town. I've sen him at his job. STBXPDW denies to the kids that he lives there although he has his own room. LOL.
She's left them at her mother's even though there is a first right of refusal. She still hasn't signed the mediation aggreement. She works at a resturant on one of the days she has the kids for a few hours after school and has been leaving the kids in the care of her brother, who lives with her, or her sister who lives on the other side of the duplex. On and on it goes...
Kids only want to stay there one nite a week, as they have been since mediation and no longer want to stay every other weekends. They'd rather be home with me.
"NPD Freaks" suck.
Back to the battle I guess.
ETA: DD9 ran away from STBXPDW's today because of STBXPDW was raging.
[This message edited by bobelina at 6:53 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]
Veritas please vent if it will help. I have had a difficult week as well. I lost it with my kids a few times because they just won't listen when I ask them to do things to help. I feel like I am the only one who does anything.
I know we have it good because we have our children but some days it just so hard.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
That's what I am going through now as my husband is seriously devaluing the kids. The other night, I was actually giving him some points because he was engaging our 15-year-old son in discussion about computers. This is a man whom usually, the only words he speaks to his children are angry ones. Later on, he told me that he really got a lot of work done on a project. Apparently, he needed someone to talk to, and 15-year-old son was a good audience. It was like, I should have known it was all about him. I'd been helping him on that project, but my part was done (that was a story and a half, too -- he's the worst teacher, he told me that he threw out everything I wrote because it was so bad, then when he asked for my help again, he admitted that he kept everything I did and was planning on using it in the future). I can't imagine having to sit by him for hours at a time listening to him yonk. I've done it, but I'm an adult, a sucker, and a doormat. I can't imagine being a kid and having to listen to him ramble for hours upon end.
A couple of weeks ago, Lola had a seizure at school on a Thursday when she also had a home visit. I went home early to clean for the home visit and forgot my phone, and the boys claimed to have lost theirs. To find it, I sent a text message from the computer, and lo, it miraculously showed up. So I called my voicemail and got the message from the daycare. I got to the daycare, and they told me that they had gotten in touch with my husband and he was on his way. Wouldn't you know he was pissy when I called him. "Do I have to treat you like a 2-year-old?" Aren't you her parent, too, genius? Oh, that's right; you have doubts...
Then Saturday night, I am trying to assemble 8 sandwiches and put them on a hot griddle before the butter burns. He goes outside to smoke, leaving our 2-year-old daughter in the living room. She crawls to meet me in the kitchen. My other son is in there, but he is cooking soup. Husband comes in and decides that L doesn't need to be on the floor; she needs to sit on a chair with a wire frame for the back, mostly open spaces, no arms, and is two feet off of a tile floor. Then he leaves! I'm standing there trying to think of why in the hell he would do that because we have had the conversation about not putting our handicapped daughter who has restricted mobility in her arms and her legs in any situation where she can't brace herself if she falls. Sure enough, two minutes later, I hear a thud, and she has fallen face first onto the floor, chipped two teeth and is bleeding copiously. In the meantime, Father of the Year, who couldn't wait to smoke, and who insisted on putting her in that chair, comes running. He's "angry" and is going to take a walk. He barely looks at her before going back to his work. In the meantime, she's screaming and our 13-year-old is hyperventilating because he "should have saved her."
And that's just been him and the kids for the past few weeks. Not to mention how he called one morning all panicky because he had forgotten his medicine at home (he takes 3 meds for HPB and high cholesterol), he was sooo busy at work and didn't think he could come home for lunch -- could I take it to him on my way to work? I have a very tight schedule, so I knew it would make me late, but it's his health, right? Well, when he left the house in the morning, he had on his tennis shoes. He HATES tennis shoes. He only got them because he was going somewhere out of town and was going to do a lot of walking. Anyhow, I pull up to his office, and whom do I see but one of the officeskanks that he instant-messages all day all dressed up in her work-out clothes. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what was taking up his extra time; he and his full-figured princess were working out together while I did the errand girl thing for him, making MYSELF late for work in the process. Never again.
Oh, it's been fun, boys and girls...
I'm feeling like a pathetic soul right now because I feel this way after 4 years. But then I see the post in here talking about a woman who has lost a daughter and is dealing with an NPD. My heart goes out to her. Why does life seem to throw unbearable events into the midst of dealing with the NPD's?
'Scuse me a moment:
Okay. Now that I'm recovered...
My first question to you is: are you in IC (individual counseling)? Meeting regularly with an IC can help you rebuild, brick by brick, your self-esteem. The most damage done to us is to our self-esteem, and we begin to doubt our natural abilities and talents. We also begin to doubt things about the very core of ourselves. You'll hear some "new" folks on the NPD thread ask, "Am I crazy? Do I have NPD?" You'll also hear them after they've moved on significantly, "How can I trust my judgment now?" An IC can help you work through all of that. Reconstructing is PAINFUL. I won't lie about that. But the pain doesn't come because something in you in wrong. The pain is caused by the realization that you were beaten down to the point you were.
One thing you'll see here over and again is that the NPD-survivors are strong, unbelievably kind and empathetic, and more often than not hysterically funny folks. Know why this is? It's because we've always been this way. NPDs are drawn to the best and brightest. Remember, in an N's world, the N is deserving of the very best. Therefore, the N deserves you.
Well, for a while. But then you see something behind his/her mask that he/she doesn't want you to see, and the N will turn on you. And that's where the fairytale, whirlwind romance you had ends. That's when hell begins.
Know what's left after you've walked through hell? A strong, unbelievably kind and empathetic, and more often than not hysterically funny person.
The very core of you has not changed. It will not change. The ways in which you deal with certain things will have changed, a great deal I'm afraid. But you are the same wonderful, loving and beautiful person on the inside that you always were.
And that's what the NPD thread is about. We're all working on re-discovering that core of ourselves.
Warm hugs for you. I'm glad you're with us.
[This message edited by Threnody at 7:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
Before separating, he wanted to go to counseling. I realize it was because he thought she'd say I was messed up and off he'd go with his excuse and the image remains in tact. The counselor told me he believed 100% it was all my fault. Well, lo and behold, HE is NPD. So I kept going to see her after he quit (3.5 mos). It was helpful and I've been thinking about going back for a few visits. I can't really afford a lot of it.
I have come a long way when I think about it. This just stirs up all those memories. I also now know he was living with her while we were separated and she is the friend of the friend of my worst enemy another NPD. (I AM an NPD magnet.) The best thing I did was to cut off all contact with him completely. My only revenge is that I didn't make a big fuss over him.
I did ask myself if I had NPD! And I asked my counselor if I'd been living this lie so long, then who am I? I am working on that.
It's interesting what you've said about being hysterically funny. My coworkers were just saying last night that I'm very funny and witty.
It helps a lot just to be able to "talk" it out. Some friends cannot believe it's been 4 years and this is troubling me. You've given me much to hang onto.
I am looking forward to communing with such a wonderful group.
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys,
Read, read, read and then maybe do some reading. These threads are laoded with stuff.
Everything (((Threnody))) said above is spot on.
Out - getting over contact with an npd freak is incredibly difficult. I imagine I will also suffer the effects for some years to come. I don't know if all of the issues can be dealt with. My counsellor tries to get me to accept things as they are rather than how I wish them to be.
For me it is the self-esteem issue that is the worst thing. Before I met him I was confident and happy. Now I don't actually recognise myself as ever having being that person. I feel ugly and stupid. But as Thren said it is rebuilding self-esteem brick by brick. I guess the solid foundations are there; I just have to remember that!
We are a very understanding group who knows what it is like to experience and survive madness.
N is being very charming and sweet.
I'm trying not to pity him (because I do) but IC said once I can arrive at this stage of feeling sympathy for such a broken POS...then I'm close to The Finish Line.
She also reminded me that spring intensifies mania so I must be ever wary of The freaky SNAKE.
Mainly it's because I haven't been really mean or angry about anything lately (not outwardly, anyway), so he thinks everything is hunky-dory! He's even suggesting that we work together on future projects, even though he dissed me and my work on this project. I admit, even I get sucked into it sometimes because I keep forgetting that normal in anything is just not possible. Our son was involved in some horseplay with one of his friends yesterday, and he ended up getting hit in his privates. He was okay (after a while) last night and part of this morning, but then he got up off the sofa and doubled over. I left him at home with some Motrin and an ice pack (he's 13), but when I went home for lunch, he was still in some pain and had some nausea. I IM'd numbnuts (probably a poor choice of words) to tell him, and he immediately starts talking about how he can't do anything, he's been performing poorly at work, his boss came in with another guy and yelled at both of them, he's got another late project, yada yada. I feel vaguely sympathetic because even though those things are his fault, his boss was a tad bit out of line unless it was the same project.
Then I get an IM from him asking if that is a can of gasoline in the corner. You have no time to go see about your son, who may have lost blood flow to one of his testicles, and you fear for your job, but you're sitting up on IM? Craziness.
Bob, I like the "Island of Misfit Toys" and I have been reading through posts. So many similarities out there.
Itsabattle, I'm not even sure I know who I am or who I was, I've been with narcissists so long. One thing I've been thinking is we must be fairly easy-going people to have put up with so darned much. Not at all who they've said we are.
I read a lot of stories and I know it could have been worse for me. I think mine was the master of complete and total indifference. I've never known anyone who could make me feel so much like I didn't even exist and was of absolutely no consequence. That was what he did best. He wasn't as verbal as some. I'm thinking he was one of the "stealth" NPD's.
Glad to hear that the Thread has been helpful.
I can not take credit for "Island of Misfit Toys", as that credit belongs to (((Threnody))).
As far as the BoB Report, STBXPDW is as unskillful as ever (Imagine that). LOL.
My question is whether anybody feels their NPD X is dangerous. I have now told his current SO (mostly online and phone, although also some in-person meetings) about the fact that we were in a relationship when they met and that he doubled up for quite a few months without either of us knowing it. When I found out about the A and told my then NPD BF that I was going to tell her, he flew into a rage and threatened that he'd mess with my life/career. Then I found her site online and thought she seemed kind of nuts too, but not like him. And unlike him, she actually seemed to be falling for him, whereas he only posts hundreds of pictures of himself. Now after more than 3 months, I finally emailed her. She asked to see proof and I provided her with a few emails that make it a pretty open and shut case. She thanked me for telling her.
I had agonized over this decision pretty much since DDay (some may remember my post on this). While I felt empowered and good about what I had done at first, I'm now scared that he'll come after me. I know these people can carry grudges for years and I read that those convicted of violent crimes have a very high degree of NPD. He's never shown signs of violence, but I also feel that he's so cold and devoid of compassion. I'm also worried because I feel like his life is really coming undone and now I've messed with his fantasy online life as well. I've thought about contacting his therapist to give him my contact information, just in case he gets a dangerous vibe, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. Ugh, I'm kind of freaking out. But hoping I'm just being paranoid and that this too shall pass. Any advice and talking me through this would be much appreciated.
[This message edited by plant_flowers at 2:04 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]
Why do I have to keep telling myself this over and over and over?
Because you have that fear that we all have. You are afraid that he will remain that wonderful person YOU fell in love with forever with her. She is somehow magically more wonderful than you and she will keep them in the glorious state of bliss they are in now. You are afraid that he will never "flip" and show his ugly side to her.
He will, and he most likely has. If you're like me, you didn't run for the door the first time Mr. Hyde showed himself. I didn't even run the second time. I kept it a secret for FAR too long.
Like you, I am five or six years out of my NPD nightmare. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be completely over it. The hurt, and just how downright evil, callous and uncaring these people are is completely shocking. They are totally unhuman
My XNPDH was having affairs, had a baby, had a fiance, etc, etc, etc, while we were married. I didn't have a clue. He had somehow convinced ME that our marital proplems were mine and mine alone. "I was paranoid, I wrongfully accused him of infidelity, I was insecure....blah, blah, blah...." This was his diagnosis of course, but I still went to therapy to get help for myself and save the marriage.
Imagine my shock, horror and RAGE when I found out the truth. He never offered any explanation, and actually continued to deny everything. Said I was "imagining things" again. He blamed it all on me, filed for divorce and he and his family launched a smear campaign I'll never forget.
Sick, sick, sick.
He's still with the "fiance."
This is how I deal with it. Even IF he was wonderful to her in the beginning, I KNOW that he cannot keep up the facade. As far as I'm concerned, she deserves him.
Just keep trying to focus on you. Get busy doing the things that you let slip away when you were so busy putting HIM first. Get back to you. Be a little selfish. It's okay.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Lots of new members-welcome to you all to our ((tribe)) although I prefer ((clan))forobvious reasons
I've been free of my rumplestiltskin for just overa year now and he is still with OW barfly who is now his Fiancee!
Over this year he has left her ,pretty well once a month,and I have a letter that she wrote him about this and have had hangup calls,messages left on my home phone and my daughter(middle)has had dodgy texts to the effect that her dad doesn't need her as he's got a bed elsewhere.A real classy lady-not-and obviously enjoying her relationship with Mr Wonderful
I must confess thati have allowed him to stay on my couch but we all have to deal with our own in a way that keeps us safe.Thats how I found out about their "engagement"as I was beside him when she Phoned to demand his whereabouts.He told her he was at my house(small village-houses less than a quartermile apart)she demanded to know why as after all you're not engaged to her anymore.Nearly PSML.His explanation for this was that as I'd said I hope they enjoyed their typical Rumplestiltskin Xmas,which means he spoilt it for everybody,when he had asked her what she wanted she said a ring and so he bought it but he is NOT engaged and even if I divorce him he would NEVER marry her as I FORCED him into being there when I flung him out!
So to anyone out there like Outfrom,as Sadtoo says they are the same beast only the elephant is no longer in our room,thank God.
With regards to my kids,because they are all adult are free to have the relationship they want with their dad but only my son stuck with it as they drink together but even he has given up on him and told his dad to keep away from me-which he has done for six weeks now-the longest ever in 34 years but I know from reading on here that they have a habit of popping up even years up the lineand so I continue to enjoy my freedom and take one day at a time.
Special mention for HB-thats one thing I hope i never face and my heart goes out to her and her family