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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a freak! I can do a translation as well: everything he says is bullshit!
Take no notice Lied - it is all twisted. Not that you neeed any more proof to show what a lunatic he is but there it is in black and red!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DD)))
That was beautiful.

Mister EX DD, fuckoff.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
angels
♀ New Member
Member # 18489
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your help everyone :)

He is out of my life but this is to save me from going out with someone the same.
I know of two N's and it is blatantly obvious with those 2.
I am still sure my ex is a N because i was thinking about it today and he is extremely jealous of other people. He has put others down but generally not in front of me but hey he hasn't shown alot of himself in front of me either!!!

This rings more true to me...
" Anger more commonly appears in the form of envy, greed, power lust, an extensively rationalized sense of entitlement, and a pathological grandiose self."

His friends have told me that when he drinks he akes up absurd lies.. I have caught him in a few as well at concerts to people we didn't even know. I brought it up with him an asked why he lied. He didn't say why but i did realise that it was around this point that we stopped drinking together. We started going out seperately and whenever he would come to events with me, he wouldn't drink.

Whenever i have heard him get angry he usually says he has to go... maybe to explode?

Doesn't really matter now but i guess it interests me and i need to know the signs for my next partner.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj~ that was brilliant!

Sorry about your horrid N cretin, lied2.

(((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2,
He is so horrible and so totally NPD. He twist everything around to make it YOUR fault. It's YOUR fault he had an affair, it's YOUR fault the marriage ended. Blah, blah, blah.....

The best way to handle him and his blather is to IGNORE the nonsense he is saying. Just think of it as "noise." You know, kind of like the Charlie Brown school teacher.

Address ONLY what needs to be addressed and IGNORE his personal attacks. I know it's hard, but the more you play into his bait, the longer this will go on. Try not to engage in any type of exchange with him other than bare facts in regard to the children. It will go nowhere and he will begin hitting below the belt. You will never do anything right in his eyes. His first comment about you not informing him until "after" the events occur...Well, he's been informed, right? What does your decree say? He needs to be informed. It doesn't say informed on his terms.

Cut it off. YOU have the power.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:14 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually the decree says that he is supposed to get information about the children from the professional. However, he emailed me last year telling me to not give his phone number to ANYONE. So noone is allowed to call him about the boys. I am abiding by his instructions If he wants to know about the kids he has to make appointments with the professionals himself which he won't do. He doesn't want to hear about the kids from me or so he has told me in numberous emails. Of course he now attacks me.

I have sole custody so in reality there is no requirement for me to inform him of anything other than anything that is needed during a visit. It is only on a need to know basis. He decided to not be involved so there is little he needs to know.

"Cut it off" Can I, pretty please? Opps I think you mean the stupid communications. My bad


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that case, I would answer all of his emails with, "Per the decree, Please call the professional if you'd like any further information."

If he chooses not to do it, that's his problem.

Every time he emails you, say the same thing. He'll eventually get the message.

And YES, you may "Cut it off."


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD123 - so much of your last post relates to me. I am going to use some of the things he suggested. I try to protect my kids but I really don't think I am anymore. If he ever says anything to me again I am going to tell him where to go.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to find them all and cut all their heads off. especially the ones with kids.

Mine apparently laughed when the kids told him that they have to meet with children's aid today. Ya it is seriously funny that your kids are hurting so much they are acting out. Your selfish behaiour and your pathetic parenting has nothing to do with that does it? I am sure laughing at their pain will make them feel SOOO much better.

(((((TRIBE)))) This garbage is stuff we should not have to go through. Clearly we are all alot stronger than people give us credit for.

I love you all. Thanks for being here for me when I need to vent and process. It helps alot.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think these people should be allowed to ruin other peoples' lives like they do. There should be some sort of law against them! How they ruin and manipulate and hurt their children is sickening. I hate them all.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not understand how these people think. I do not understand them. They are sick. Remember my fantasy of having all NPDs removed to a separate country so the world will be a better place? Think about a world without NPDs! It would be so different...

My son is showing severe NPD tendencies. It is so sad. I fear for the woman that will marry him. My DD16 said she knows my DS15 will D someday. That is sad she would think that way. But I can see it coming.

All because of the "role model" he had his whole life. I wish the courts would test for NPD and deny custody to parents who have it. The kids would have a chance. I wonder what a kid my son would be if I re-married a normal man earlier in his life? I bet he would be very different today.

For those that have young kids you need to have other role models for the kids so they can see that people actually can be "normal". I don't think my son ever spent time with a normal male. I pray that it is not too late for him.

Now that I am starting to date I am staying clear of anyone with NPD tendencies. I will always have my list handy!

[This message edited by DD123 at 11:32 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's on your list?

I think my x-bf might have this P.D. Or bipolar, i don't know. He is just strange.

Sometimes he seems to think he's better than everyone, and at other times he's so depressed because he doesn't have a *special* talent. Complains about not getting better at things he practices or studies.
He's convinced that most people do 'this' or 'that' just to bother him or annoy him.
He told me he had cheated on me, a ONS, never told me with who. 3 and a half years passed, where i had triggers, meltdowns over it... Now that i DEMANDED the truth, he said it was all a lie because he got mad at me one time. That he made up the A. He said he was testing me to see how much i loved him, and since i cared so much about the truth and wouldn't continue as if nothing with him, he came to the conclusion that i didn't love him. He said *I* killed this relationship because of my curiosity. If i had only left the whole subject alone...

Does this sound like NPD to you?


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my list. My ex fits every single one:

NINE CHARACTERISTICS OF A NARCISSIST, AS PER, THE WIKOPEDIA DICTIONARY:

1. "to be devoid of empathy"

2. "The term narcissism means love of oneself, and refers to the set of character traits concerned with self-admiration, self-centeredness and self-regard."

3. "The narcissist is inclined to lie or deceive."

4. "The narcissist often criticizes others, sometimes to the extent of damaging their reputation."

5. "The narcissist often behaves very differently in public situations from private situations (i.e. his or her public persona is very different from his or her private persona).
The public persona is typically very charming (perhaps designed to generate admiration) while the private persona can appear to be quite aggressive. Most people only witness the public persona and do not see the private persona, and therefore have a very distorted perception of the narcissist's true character."

6. "A narcissist is generally an adult; between a half and three-quarters of narcissists are men, the rest being women."

7. "While a narcissist might criticize others the narcissist strongly dislikes to be criticized by others."

8. "While a narcissist might interrupt others in conversation the narcissist strongly dislikes to be interrupted by others."

9. "A narcissist feels entitled to special privileges."


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all of the posts here, but i went back 3 pages...
I do feel like i'm trying to prove something to him...
Whenever he accuses me of not loving him i go nuts. I keep putting myself through hell for him to show him that i will be there for him, that i care and that i do love him! I also think i want to prove to him that i'm a good person, that i'm not "like the rest", which he has said that i am. At other times he tells me i'm not, that that is why he's with me.
Only recently it dawned on me: well, but WHEN is HE going to prove to ME that HE'S a good person and loves me and would do anything for me??
This last way of thinking on my part has gotten the relationship in all sorts of trouble.


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B&h~

detach...or you *WILL* go nuts.

No, they are not good people at all.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ummmm...ok. ((((TRIBE)))
((((B&h))))
B&h?
Let me tell you a little bit I know about BoB -

He's one of my great friends I was telling you about.
First thing he told me when I landed over here in busted-lightbulb land is just about word-for-word exactly what he just told you.

He was right, then.
He is right, now.

Stick around. He's real good at explaining it. So are the others.

I'm the doofus-du-jour, so I needed lots of s'plainin.
LOTS!

I have been worried about you, B&h -
We are here for you!

You can say....it's ok, you can tell me...you can tell us-
you really are with friends - wise and wonderful people who understand & care...

It's going to be ok - promise!
Ok?
It would be good to hear from you...PM...here on the thread - any way you want to say!
Please tell us. We can help - we really can. We're together in this...just runnin buddies, right?


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Helpless  Posted: 10:51 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the great irony of dealing with NPD's is that you have to become something of an "ice person" to deal with them. Other people can move on with their lives and move on to new relationships, but the thing about dealing with NPD's is that unless they delete you permanently, you have to become someone you're not, particularly if you have ties like children. And even so, they STILL come back. Because they feel just that entitled to come back in and wreak havoc in your lives.

I have recently regained contact with 3 people from my past and out of the three, I feel most strongly about keeping contact with one of them whom I believe is in a long-term relationship with someone who has NPD. Being NPD, he has not married her in the 23 years they have been together because she isn't "beautiful" enough for him (ie, she is overweight) -- and he has actually told her this. She recently lost 70 lbs, and in my mind, frankly, she looks worse than she ever did while she did not meet his physical ideal. There was a vitality in her that she has lost in the years that we have been separated. On the one hand, I want to save her, and there is another part of me that feels that she is just lost forever. She is a beautiful woman with a master's degree; her father was abusive and she took care of her 4 siblings by her mother (who also pined for this abusive man long after he was gone); and she has maintained contact with the children of wives #2 and #3 that her father has also left behind. Like many NPDs, her father is not your typical deadbeat dad; he's the head of the local ambulance service. But he picks women who do not fight back. I get the local arrests and I saw where her boyfriend was arrested in January of this year for domestic abuse, which is sad, but not surprising. Why do I feel the need to save her when I can barely save myself??? I don't know.

Last night, I did not sleep very well because I woke up from a bad dream at 1:30 am and could not get back to sleep. In this dream, I was looking through pictures that my N husband had taken of himself and other women. I took it to be a prophetic dream, because he recently bought another digital camera from which the first 16 pictures mysteriously disappeared (he was gone for a week of training in New Orleans), he spent at least 60 dollars over the market value for this camera, AND he spent $150 dollars over that in the same transaction for stuff that doesn't cost that much (I really need to find that receipt). Furthermore, he has pics of an empty apartment, which I suspect is The Troll's apartment, now that she is moving into an apartment that he is supposed to have fixed up for her. I realized that it wasn't prophetic; it was just me torturing myself for having been so blind and naive all of these years, having all of the evidence right there in front of me, but not really seeing it.

So when does it end with an NPD? I guess the truly depressing answer is that it doesn't. Not only do we get to deal with the most horrible people on the planet, but unless we move to Outer Mongolia, they just keep coming back.

[This message edited by veritas at 10:53 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Why do I feel the need to save her when I can barely save myself??? I don't know."

How about "because you are a beautiful person." ??
I don't know if you will hear this from me, or if it matters -
(you'll notice I'm gonna say it anyway! )...

but that's what "good people" do!

Dang, v - I think you're a hell of a lot stronger than I am. I mean, here I spend "only" months, thinking I want/trying to get THE TRUTH -

having to 'let it go' - it's in God's hands, etc...

& I get slammed - WTF? I'm in a stupid store! looking for spaghetti sauce - here's her face having sex...what the hell? what did i do for that loverly beat-fest?

No. You're stronger. (& so are the rest! who have to deal with Actual photos & stuff like that).

Just thinking - might it be easier -
just to be boring?
(just a thought, since 'lukewarm' might be an easier temperature to assume than 'ice').

Lacking funds for the trip - o yeah ONE WAY, BABEEE!-
to outer mongolia,
I take frequent excursions to
inner slobovia.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah... running buddies. But i've got news... i'm not running.
Sigh...

I hope i don't disappoint you all, i KNOW i SHOULD take your advice, hell, it's even MY advice for myself, but some other part of me wants to work this out with him. I see the tiniest speck of reason and i jump on board. Fearing i will be let down again, but i do it anyway. Do any of you know what PD I have? I do feel like something's wrong with me as well. Not just with him.

Ok. So here's the story.
For the ones who don't know anything about it, here's something to sum it up.

My bf told me almost 4 years ago that he had cheated on me.ONS. I tried to forgive him, but got trickle truth. I couldn't handle it, so now, after all this time, and we being 'better' and all, i tried to talk to him and explain that i needed the whole truth to be able to move on, cause i really wasn't. He dumped me for it. Later, since i left things that way, he came over and told me the "truth". He had made the whole A up. He was testing how much i loved him, and his conclusion was that i didn't cause i cared more about the 'truth' and not about just being with him.

So, after not speaking to him for 2 days, and not answering his phonecalls even though he called me like 30 times, he texted me saying he was sorry, (finally!!) and that he knows it was stupid and wrong and that he didn't want to lose me and that he messed up and didn't know how to handle things... The next call i answered. He sounded real sincere and sorry, and reasonable. We talked and he agreed to do whatever it takes to re-earn my trust.
But, truthfully, i don't know what to believe. What if this is a part of a greater scheme to 'punish' me?
There are still many 'lies' or 'truths'... i'll see if any of them can be verified.

What do you think is broken in me that i can't just run like hell, like everyone has suggested? I mean, a few kind words from him and i turn to mush.


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH you will only run when you finally can't do anything else. When the thought of being with him makes you actually feel like you are going to die. (really I thought I was dying and I could feel myself dying).

I left 4 times and came back. The final time was far worse and I would have to choose between my kids and him. I would give both my arms to have left before it had gotten to that point. That is why we are telling you to RUN. We have all suffered because we couldn't get away sooner. In reality you will leave when you are ready and not a second before that.

I know the most eyeopening part for me was reading information about abused women. I was abused but most of the time there were no bruises you could see. The problem with the psychological abuse of that they can be nice and kind and sucker you back in and we are such good people inside that we believe them. THEY ARE MONSTERS and the sucking you in is their way to continue the abuse.

I had a really nasty dream last night. I was dreaming that I was at a wedding. It was in the church I married in and my ex was at the alter with someone I assume is his fiance. Then she turns around and she has scars all over her face. Then I woke up shaking.

What do you all make of that? I can't get this one out of my mind. (I hate the dreams and I was doing so well)

Veritas the one thing that comes to mind about wanting to "save" (I think you mean more like help her see her situation for what it is) someone from the NPD is because we see their pain and can identify with it and want to ease their hurt. I think this is the same thing when so many of us go into healping professions. We have that kind of personality and we gain something from helping others. The only thing is that we also can loose sight of ourselves and not really end up helping anyone if we are not careful. It is very much like giving someone a fish or teaching them to fish for themselves. We see them struggling and want to help but if we hand them the fish then they don't learn to make their own choices and run from danger and just get sucked in again.

I don't know that we need to be fully healed ourselves to walk along side someone who is hurting but we also need to realize that some people are just not ready to leave or won't be helped because they refuse to help themselves.


(((((TRIBE)))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
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