GOOD FOR YOU! This is a good, fantastic step.
I have made my ex stay on the step quite often. I don't want him in my house and I don't go into his house so I think it is fair. He lost his options when he made his choices.
Keep up the good work. Do what you need to do for YOU.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I had the locks changed the very next day, too. Wasn't taking any chances.
I had a good meeting with IC today.
Please read the links in the first post of the thread, but contain your discussion of the topic to the NPD thread. Let's not crash the Wayward forum (where the thread is housed) with our goofiness.
Warm hugs for the tribe.
[This message edited by Threnody at 8:21 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]
Threnody? You gotta know I didn't get past the 2nd sentence!
hoo boy, this is gonna be interesting.
I have a question for the tribe...
I have a sitch - I'd like help with answers, bc I can't seem to come up with the one that fits.
I am away from her by 300 miles.
She is at this time sending me copies of cellphone bills to ostensibly 'prove' she's being 'good'
- since OCTOBER! (she admiitted contact with him in Oct., but claims it has ended.) But why is he still sending her text messages after 4 months of supposed NC?
- she's pressuring me to divulge my location. When I ask for his last name - she replies with; "Where do you live?"
Look...she frightens the crap outta me, ok? It's deeper than I've been able to say, actually (spiritual stuff - BAD spiritual stuff), and I have told her that's why...
but I can't seem to explain to her - to myself, really (right?) that she needs to be the one who is transparent FIRST gain my trust back, etc...before I'll even THINK ABOUT givin' up my whereabouts.
I need a zinger or two...not mean, really (those are easy, LOLOLOL!!!) -
What do I want? has already been asked of me by a dear friend -
How the hell can I explain what I want? I want peace, the fkkkers last name, my sons' card collection -
I WANT SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT from NPD land before the realization that D's been filed hits her.
I got maybe today, am thinking she'll get the notice in the mail tomorrow - then I doubt there'd be any more pleasant communication.
As it is - I expect to hear what a fool she was for "making her" try to prove her innocence with the cell phone records.
Won't happen darlin'.
With that in mind: you know what you want, and you won't get it from her. Not ever. So how do you go about dealing with it?
Time helps more than anything.
As my counselor said back when I was trying to make heads or tails about what was going on and why I couldn't reach STBXPDW, "Move on, move on, move on."
Resoution and or answers will come from within as you learn to accept that it wasn't you, it wasn't anything you didn't or did say, etc. It is as it's always ever has been and ever will be, all about her.
Take a step back and detache from yourself. Look at your self as one of your good friends. What would you do for or what would you say to your friend in this situation?
I know that this is so very very hard to deal with. She was your dream. But she was a mirror of that which is you, until the mirror cracked and you so they abyss that lies behind (LOL).
I find studying Proverbs, 2 Timothy, and a bunch of Buddhist and Taoist stuff helped me a lot. To see things as they are. As SadToo and Veritas tags read:
'it is what it is, not what we hope it can be'.~SadToo
Actions unmask what words disguise.~Veritas
Hope this helps.
Meditation helps a lot. Sit. Breathe. Into your belly. Thru your nose. Close your eyes. Crack a smile. As thoughts and feelings come and go, watch as they arise then fall away. Just watch, don't engage.
I'm kinda sad about coulda been.
I will read and read again what you say. try to get it to sink in.
Wish i had the answers to give that would unlock the disorder.
been hard, still harder to see that the effort was vain, wasted...maybe not on me, so that's good - I've learned & changed alot, and I am not unthankful for that part of it.
Thank you again for helping me thru this. It's a difficult thing. A difficult time. I don't like giving up.
IC explained this to me for the umpteenth time yesterday.
I'm gonna weigh-in here on the link to the NLP stuff Threnody posted.
I studied NLP, years ago when I was in school - as several classmates were excitedly talking about it, and I wanted to find out about it. As I recall, I got about 2, maybe 3 chapters in when it began to hit me as wrong, somehow...manipulative. I didn't finish the book, and have pretty much a rudimentary understanding of it - some of the mechanics of eye-movement, etc. (in order to assess how the target to be manipulated thinks, eye-movement patterns are studied, among other things)
Seeing's how I was mirrored already so effectively, by someone I guarantee didn't know anything about NLP - maybe I'm not the best authority...heh!
The kicker in my particular little corner of the world is this:
STBX (hah! that's the first time I typed that! Does a band play a rousing song now? where?)
Anyway - she JUST started studying NLP.
Your mileage may vary, but I have extremely strong distaste for NLP.
uhhh NPDs too...
Combine the two?
The devil's own cocktail.
I'm not sure how many here can read the NLP stuff without having ...let's just say "negative reactions". I'm sure it can be useful to know about - in order to defend yourself against it in the future - not that your antennae aren't already up & on high alert!
I'm not far along enough, I guess, to study it. Too creeped out when I read those links. Reminds me too much of the calculating abusive cruelty I'm hoping to forget about soon.
I am not kidding.
You want, we can call from your office - make it look like it's comin from my phone# on her caller ID
get it on tape, her admitting it.
She aint yer normal mean bitch.
she's a psycho nympho narcissist -
My penis shrinks & my balls get tight just thinking about her....
I aint kidding about that neither!
(emailed to the lawyer in response to his question after my nagging for confirmation of the D filing
he asked; "Goodness gracious! I've never seen anyone so uptight as you! What'd this woman DO to you?")
I am really stuck. I can't seem to get the "move on" thing to happen. The kids are really stuggling and I am stuck without a real job trying to work odd jobs mostly helping out my father because my kids can't seem to manage without me being very flexable and here for them most of the time. By 12 and 15 I should be able to have a job and have them manage for a few hours together at home but at times it ends up with them fighting and creating issues for eachother to the point where I can't do it all the time. I am stuck bing the only parent the kids ahve an noone to to really turn to and I hate him for that.
Here is the vent I just wrote him. I am itching to send it so I am posting it in hopes that the urge will pass.
A*** is not a bully. He loves his brother immensely and is trying to fill YOUR shoes because his brother needs guidance and his father has decided that his children are not worth his time. He tries to take a parenting male role because N***** doesn't have that and the only one to blame is YOU.
Don't offer me your dime store parenting advice until you put the time into parenting YOUR children. At this point you see your children less than once a month for a few hours and have no clue what is happening and what they need. Don't give me the lines that you had no father and turned out alright. Clearly YOU didn't or else you never would have taken the path you have. You didn't have a father so had no expections and didn't have to grieve the loss over and over when your father appeared, made promises, and then disappeared into his own oblivion for an undetermined amount of time. It is all the more painful for the boys since you have been living 6 blocks away for the last few years and had ample time since you work just 4 days a week. You make less time for the children than you spent taking a crap, it certainly doesn't make me wonder why they are so angry and are having a hard time adjusting to being abandoned.
N***** doesn't listen and won't follow instrustion, both at home and in school. He is a very difficult child to be around because he does motor actions and sound effects almost continuously. Don't even start making cracks about medicating him since you take the same medication as well as other things to manage your life. given the fact that you have done little to help him find the control of his actions, you need to keep your comments to yourself.
I am stuck in this situation and have little I can do about it other than stuggle to be there for my children every day the best I can. You have made your choices and continue to harm your children both through your actions and lack there of. Until you have some real solutions that involve you being a REAL parent keep your mouth shut and stay out of my hair.
remember, though - i don't know jack
I HATE MY LIFE TODAY AND I HATE BEING A PARENT AND ALONE TO HANDLE EVERYTHING. I HATE THAT SPERM DONOR WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BEING AND AM SAD EVERYDAY THAT I EVER SET EYES ON HIM.
I want/need a different reality if only for a little while.
(((JJ))), I hate her, too. I hate that you are gripping those chains so tightly. Let go, brother. Damn the cards, damn the name of the guy, damn the acknowledgment. They are hooks in your heart. Let go.
I am so sorry for the sadness, for the sickness, for the pain. I wish there was something I could say that would do some good.
I'm so sad for you that he has taken a good chunk of life from you and that his pathetic ass NPD Freak-ness will never grasp what he has done to you and the boys. He has no fucking clue as to what he has put you through and the crosses that you have had to bear because of his stupid and asinine behaviors. Itsa too. All of us.
I do get really sad and bothered when I can really hear your pain coming through the postings. Dealing with an NPD Freak is very lonely as not to many people understand what we are going through. Thank God and the stars above for this thread.
Lied, hold on. You will be OK. Today will pass. Send the letter? Well, I get plenty of hell for the ones I've sent (LOL), but if it makes you feel better, isn't that what really matters? You know he's to fucked up to get it, but you do, and sometimes just voicing something is so very healing. Even if the Fucktard*Asshat (SI Latin) will never get it. This is for and about you. You deserve some peace.
JJ, as a guy with a similar lot in life, namely an NPD Freak of the female persuasion, do not underestimate your self. She/It is not the end of the world. There are many more much more deserving and able to reciprocate ladies out there, for you to waste to much more time worrying about her. She's fucked up, Dude. As your Dude friend here, I say, get the fuck away from her and stay the fuck away from her. And besides, your super-kewl writing style should not be wasted on a wretch such as she. I know it's hard, just keep doing what your doing and move forward. Things will change and you will feel better.
On a side note: Do you wanna help me with the snow in the garage to clean it out thing? LOL.
I don't want to, nor do I like to, use such words as "hate" in describing feelings towards the disordered. In describing their behaviors I can and will use such words, as in, I "hate" their behaviors, but as people, they are what they are, disordered.
Oh, yeah, I'm really sick and my head is spinning like a top, so I might not be making a whole lot of sense right now. LOL !!! DDs are both sick too, but we're managing fine.
(((Tribe))), I am always sorry to hear when the disordered get under your skin like this. The disordered suck.
[This message edited by bobelina at 10:19 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]
how big a scar does that hook-ripping leave, huh?
thank scars who cares it's healed
bent down bowed down I will not
what was used to break me
to make me.
I believe it.