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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by jjct at 7:34 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says (via text) that he is going to file a motion to dismiss for unsubstantiated grounds. He says he is going to say that with counseling the marriage could be saved.

Let him *say* what he wants.

Only worry about what he actually *does*.

The truth of the matter is you can get divorced even if he creates a spectacle of himself in court or in a lawyer's office.

The truth of the matter is you need to go NC with him as much as possible. There is no reason to discuss the divorce with him - that is between your lawyer and his lawyer now, period.

Do not answer the phone, do not answer texts, but DO keep records of each and every phone call, text and email. Treat them like evidence, physical evidence, and NOT something you actually have to reply to. They are merely "things" that prove he's a poophead.

In the last thread I posted something that stated, basically: just because they are speaking to you does not mean you have to respond. Much like the phone ringing - it is merely a request that you communicate. Ignore it at will.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like some of the newer members of the thread might need to know that we all know *exactly* how 1) crazy-making our Ns were/are and 2) that we understand how hard it can be to explain it to those that haven’t lived it.

Example, from this week: My exN and I reached a new custody arrangement that begins next Monday. The old one is to be in effect until then, making this coming weekend HIS. I asked him, SPECIFICALLY and in small words so he could understand, last week AND this week, if he had to work or ANYTHING this coming weekend, so that I could make arrangements to have the kids. His response: he most definitely wanted the kids all weekend, as this was his last weekend with them.

Okey dokey, fine by me. Great, actually, since I could make plans and not have to pay a sitter.

Less than 24 hours after confirming he wanted them all weekend? He asks me to watch them one of the nights.

Look at that again: He *said* one thing, and is planning (and probably will) *do* another. He said he wanted to spend the weekend with his kids, and now has made plans to leave them somewhere else one evening.

Now, if I were to explain that to someone who hadn’t dealt with an N, they would say “Well, stuff comes up and….” But we here know that is NOT what happened. What happened is what comes out of his mouth is not the truth, but what he wants everyone to think the truth is. He wants people to believe that he wants to spend time with his kids, but since the world revolves around him only, he doesn’t want to *actually* spend time with the kids. He just wants people to *believe* he wants to spend time with the kids.

It never has occurred to him that he should spend time with the kids, because that alone would prove he wants to. He just wants the glory (look, he’s an involved dad!) without the work (actually BEING involved).

Each incident like this, taken alone, could be a reasonable person just having an issue arise with scheduling. I’ve had a few myself, it DOES happen. Just not nearly as often as it will happen to an N. An N’s life is FILLED with drama, “suddenly having to work”s, and such. Not because their lives are any more *involved* than the rest of ours, but because 1) they thrive on chaos and 2) they can’t actually tell the truth, even if it would benefit them to do so.

It’s the cumulative effect; we’ve known these particular people for YEARS. We know that what comes out of their mouth isn’t what is real, isn’t the truth, and doesn’t hold their true intentions. They lie. SO DON”T LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS. Simply look at what they DO, and you will know what their real intentions are.

I should also note: once I declined to watch the children, he then called AGAIN and asked if any of MY relatives could watch them for him. Again with the no, buddy. Your time, your babysitters, deal. Or, better yet, ACTUALLY SPEND TIME WITH THE CHILDREN, ARSE!

Also: this is something it took me a long time to know and actually follow through with, but continually watching the children for him, even though I adore my kids and love to spend time with them, only allowed him to continue walking all over me and expecting me to be there for him. A “no” from me gets a tantrum from him, but so what? The kids will be cared for by someone else OR he’ll just have to gasp! SHOCK! not go out partying while he has the children. Period. He won’t quit asking unless I say no, time and time again. Saying “yes” is only allowing myself to be part of his supply still.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Landa spells it out very well there.

I have found an opposite reaction to work with my N. If he calls saying he has to work late etc., I continually offer to keep the children for the full visitation period. I go overboard on the "I would love to have them with me" statements. Though those statements are very much the truth. I'd rather the kids didn't have to visit with him at all, but we all know that is unrealistic. My kids are getting older now and pretty self-sufficient so having them is really a non-issue for me.

Sometimes when the kids are off for the entire day of school I hear "I can pick them up if you want?". Careful there. I never give a direct answer. I usually say "they are fine here".

When there are changes to the schedule, I never ask anymore. I tell. Direct statements. "I will be picking up the kids today".

We have daily interaction due to the schedule, so brief, direct and straight to the point works best. I never answer the phone when I know he is calling to speak to the children. Those calls are scheduled for a specific time which makes it easier.

All other communication is done via email or at a time different to his scheduled talk to children time.

I've stopped discussing anything he does not directly ask about regarding the children. i.e. grades, school issues, presents, birthday/holiday plans that don't involve him. I still advise him of all medical appointments. Not the outcome if he doesn't ask. He obtains most of his information from the children themselves. We all know how accurate and forthcoming pre-teen and teen children can be.

Fall line made a post over in New Beginnings about having recently dated a possible N and warning signs. Some of it is in jest, but it makes for a good read for those wondering about what to watch for.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=208064

Many positive thoughts.

p.s. CJ, I'm concerned. Check in when you can please.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I took my little white pill and slept well. :O)

Bob thank you for clarifying for me, it does help tons.

As to the others, I really appreciate your explanation of your situtations, I wish I was at the stage where I could say half of what you all say and mean it, and sticm to it.

Today is a "me" day, off of work, not going to group, staying in resting and getting much sleep I am beat.

Will check in thru the day.

SA


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stung))) My goodness woman; you are doing so well. You are functioning. Your cheating N's wounds are still very fresh, so give yourself time and permission to feel any way you do. You couldn't ask any more from yourself than what you are doing right now. SO try to pat yourself on the back a little. A lesser woman would have jumped off a bridge by now.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dragonfly: I've thought and thought about your situation, and the best I can come up with is maybe calling the licensing board. NOT a complaining or angry call at all; just call them nicely to ask for any contact information that they can give you about Dr. Nospeak; explain the situation and the fact that you've been calling and calling, and you'd really like to just get that contact information. oh, and while you have them on the phone, maybe they can answer your teensy question about ethical behavior in all of this...

brenshay: your ex can threaten all he wants to. Just let him pop his mouth off, and show the judge the booty call texts.

landa and downfall: both excellent posts with excellent suggestions!

bob: if she can't hear the alarm, how is she going to handle the phone? and if she as an adult can't get herdamnself up, why is she using her kids? her adult relatives all told her to f off???


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))
I may be stoopid today as I'm not sure I understand you. (That's what I get for not making that Gumbo yet !!!). LOL.

Brain Dead BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob: what I mean is, if she can't hear the alarm, how is a phone going to be any better? And if that's the problem, all she needs to do is get an alarm that sounds like a phone!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob: what I mean is, if she can't hear the alarm, how is a phone going to be any better? And if that's the problem, all she needs to do is get an alarm that sounds like a phone!

Oh, if only logic would penetrate their brains....

She'd rather blame the girls for her inability to pick them up on time. Bob, I really hope you wrote that down for reference later, I think it will come in handy....


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gawd, I thought of another one!

N says "I want to help coach Oldest's baseball team."

This makes him sound good, yes? He said this in front of the mediator a couple of months ago, to boost his image.

Why is this completely asinine? He starts working nights next week. Actually, evenings, not nights.

When is practice? Evenings. When are most of the games? In the afternoons, after he would already be at work or around the time he would need to leave for work.

So, he has no intention of ACTUALLY being an assistant coach. It would be impossible for him to do so. However, he's smart enough to know it makes him look good to say it.

He didn't say "I would like to help coach Oldest's baseball team but I can't because of my work schedule." No, he said a partial truth, a dodge, to make himself look better.

Not to be a better person or a better father, but to LOOK like one. A mask, an outfit, and *appearance* to fool someone he thought needed fooling.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))
That is why I'm throwing the whole sitch in to the Police's hands. Let them call her and document. We'll see what happens.

(((Landa)))
Documented in spades. LOL.

Thanks again.
Brain Dead BoB (He who needs to make the Gumbo !!!).

[This message edited by bobelina at 11:35 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never really delt with someone so able to dispute and fight about known facts. Its a constant battle, nothing is a fair fight, or even discussion, belittling, and plain out and out rude comments are not outta the norm. Every thing is about its their side and thats it.

BINGO!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob: Is calling the police what your lawyer advised you to do? I'm just curious because my brother's baby mama calls the police for many things, and they come, but they roll their eyes, too.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((V)))
No, I was advised by others who shall not be named. LOL.
I'd been advised also that if the kids were at STBXPDWs and she disappeared again to have the kids call the Police.
I thought it kinda drastic, but, if it keeps the ball in her court, kewl !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd been advised also that if the kids were at STBXPDWs and she disappeared again to have the kids call the Police.

That's child endangerment/neglect, which is a crime. I would definitely call the police for that.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stung))) My goodness woman; you are doing so well. You are functioning. Your cheating N's wounds are still very fresh, so give yourself time and permission to feel any way you do. You couldn't ask any more from yourself than what you are doing right now. SO try to pat yourself on the back a little. A lesser woman would have jumped off a bridge by now.

Thank you No Control.

Boy oh boy I have been sleeping a lot this morning, went out and did a small errand and I am home nice and comfy, I needed this day so very much and I am so glad I have it.

Bob, I have an XSIL who is just like your X and I tell you, it is like beating more than just a 2x4 on her. If it isn't convenient to her, or works for her, she doesn't do anything, guess that is why she doesn't have custody of her children and the Child and Family Services people do.

Landabear, what you say makes a lot of sense. When does the sense of "duty" wear off so that if the phone rings, texts come in, or door knocks, that you are ok with not answering any of the above and feel safe??

Look at that again: He *said* one thing, and is planning (and probably will) *do* another. He said he wanted to spend the weekend with his kids, and now has made plans to leave them somewhere else one evening.

Now, if I were to explain that to someone who hadn’t dealt with an N, they would say “Well, stuff comes up and….” But we here know that is NOT what happened. What happened is what comes out of his mouth is not the truth, but what he wants everyone to think the truth is. He wants people to believe that he wants to spend time with his kids, but since the world revolves around him only, he doesn’t want to *actually* spend time with the kids. He just wants people to *believe* he wants to spend time with the kids.

Holy Shit, Landa this explains PERFECTLY what my XN was like when we had custody of his nephews, I did the raising etc., oh sure he came when there was parent-teacher conferences, etc., other times he was out in the bush at work. If I called too much, I was bitched at for that. He would say that I need to just deal with it.

Each incident like this, taken alone, could be a reasonable person just having an issue arise with scheduling. I’ve had a few myself, it DOES happen. Just not nearly as often as it will happen to an N. An N’s life is FILLED with drama, “suddenly having to work”s, and such. Not because their lives are any more *involved* than the rest of ours, but because 1) they thrive on chaos and 2) they can’t actually tell the truth, even if it would benefit them to do so.

Oh yes, the drama, I have recanted to many a therapist that I have felt like there is a continual drama boat/rollercoaster that doesn't stop.

It’s the cumulative effect; we’ve known these particular people for YEARS. We know that what comes out of their mouth isn’t what is real, isn’t the truth, and doesn’t hold their true intentions. They lie. SO DON”T LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS. Simply look at what they DO, and you will know what their real intentions are.

I want to believe he will leave town, and not contact me ever again, but if I go with the track record he has, he won't be going anywhere and I know he will be contacting me
soon.

A “no” from me gets a tantrum from him, but so what? The kids will be cared for by someone else OR he’ll just have to gasp! SHOCK! not go out partying while he has the children. Period. He won’t quit asking unless I say no, time and time again. Saying “yes” is only allowing myself to be part of his supply still.

I have seen the tantrums, and they are scary let me tell you. They have left me feeling the need to look over my shoulder 24/7. At the moment I feel like if I don't comply in kindness that his irrational behaviour will end up having me in some kind of trouble.


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this fantasy.

Suddenly there is a blood test for NPD and every person in the world is required to take it.

If you test "positive" for NPD you are transported to another country where you live out the rest of your lives.

Of course the NPD is told that it is a "privilege" to be moved to that country. Only "certain" people can pass the criterion for entry. It is a place only for "special" people.

In the country of "Narcissonia" every wall has a mirror. This special mirror takes off 30 pounds and makes you look 20 years younger.

In this country there are beautiful "robot" wives and husbands for each countryman that are programmed to say only a few sentences. These few sentences are enough to give each countryman true happiness. They are: "You are great"; "You are right"; "You are beautiful"; "You are the best lover anywhere"; "Yes, whatever you say".

In Narcissonia everyone gets a newspaper; each countryman has his/her own headlines.

Everyone in Narcissonia has their own TV channel where they can watch themselves anytime they choose.

There is a "Temple of Narcissonia" where statues and awards of each countryman are displayed for everyone to see and visit. The robot wives and husbands are required to visit and pray there everyday.

And the President of Narcissonia will take the blame for anything that goes wrong within the country...

Of course, everyone else in every other country will find TRUE happiness!

Oh, the fantasy!

[This message edited by DD123 at 3:10 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD that was great!!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
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