Is that your creature, BoB? Poor little tarsier in the headlights? You just keep the lights on, dear, and stay out of the jungle at night, and all will be well.
As for me and my situation, all is going well. I have been extremely busy with working a lot. He went back to the farm yesterday to talk to her and try to finalize things regarding the property. I will let you know how that goes in the end.
As for me, it is off to the grind stone (again) our Assistant Manager called in sick yesterday and today she decided to NOT come in So I have to go and get myself ready for work, then go to my other job at the school. I must say I am beat, but on a good note, I have been able to budget for the next month, and paying off bills etc., getting the financial credit for the new laptop is such a "high" for me.
As for WH, at the moment all he wants is his home back. I can see he is now beginning to realize the full extent of his "fuck up". He apologized to me for all that he has put me through.
Oddly I didn't say "its ok" instead I said "thank you for all that has happened." He said what do you mean. I said because of all that you did, it has forced me to return to being the independant person I lost a long time ago. Not all courtesy of you, but when you swooped in and chose to be my "knight in shining armour" you took all the hard stuff away from me. Little did I realize all of myself went with that.
He said he has noticed the independance (not that I was looking for his approval, but it was nice to hear that he actually noticed something , outside of his own stuff ).
Bob, I understand exactly what you are saying about your STBXW being trapped in a 3 years old mind. I see this with WH in that he is unable to comprehend the documents put before him, (ie the Offer to Purchase etc). I read them allowed to him (he is completely literate, but yet there were some things that he clearly didn`t understand) and then he was able to comprehend them better, I think because I changed the words to not be so `wordy` KWIM .
I never saw before how much of a `mother` I have been to him, that I have been the one who has done all the financial numbers, payment of bills, etc. etc., I am having a WOW moment and I thank Bob for helping me see this.
Well I must go to work for the afternoon, then to the school for cleanup tonight. There was a tournament with the junior girls, and there are 3 of us tonight who are going in to tidy up the last of what is left to do.
Hugs and Pleasant thoughts,
BoB, agree w/stung, & Ll, remind me never to *cross* you!
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
[This message edited by bobelina at 10:53 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]
As usual, LongLost has some very wise words. Right now you're both intellectually realizing that your exes are severely emotionally stunted. You will both be able to reach a point of clarity when you actually start treating them like they are. Right now, you're still responding to them like they are grown folks -- and they aren't. That's something that comes with time and detachment.
After all, what do you do when 3-year-olds misbehave? You send them to the corner. You don't talk to them; you don't reason with them; you don't try to come up with rational reasons for their behavior. You just send them to the corner for 3 minutes. If they don't behave any better, oh well, it's back to the corner. They're 3-year-olds, after all. They don't understand quite everything you're saying -- but they do understand that corner.
On the other hand, I have heard others mention some problems at work, and I feel very strongly that my reactions to unfair treatment are directly related to past abuse, so I thought I'd put this out there as a topic for discussion. Please feel free to add your own problems. Of course, if you have advice or feedback or even just "there, theres" for me, I'll be glad to hear them.
Mods, if you don't think this is appropriate, my feelings won't be hurt if you take it down!
My situation in a nutshell is this: I work for a large company that is famous for being a great place to work. They do have wonderful benefits. However, in my personal experience, it's been hell working there. In my very first job, my manager had been hired only 2 months before I was hired. That turned out to be a big disadvantage for me when I was hired to work with two women who despised each other. I quickly became the target for all of their frustrations. I was unaware for a long time that there even was a problem because they were not direct with me. Instead, they went behind my back to my boss. (He did his best to understand the problem. He investigated and found no truth to what they said. But he felt that he had to give them the benefit of the doubt because of their seniority!)
I was doing most of their work for them without complaint, but these women were so hateful and rude, and my boss kept refusing to move me to another assignment. I told him, quietly and calmly on a number of occasions that I felt the assignment was inappropriate. He didn't do anything. Finally, one particularly bad day, I broke down and cried and told him that he had to get me out of there. Then he said (and I quote) "Why are you hysterical?" Can you believe that!?!
It was horrible. I wasn't sleeping, and I hated to even come to work. On the other hand, my husband hadn't yet found a permanent job after massive layoffs had finally gotten him, so I was the only security we had. Jobs are not easy to come by for 50-somethings. I felt that I HAD to stay put. I finally insisted on getting a mediator to help remedy the situation. After 2 meetings with the three of us, the psychologist told me that I was being bullied, that what happened had nothing to do with me and that there was nothing that I could possibly have done to prevent it. She told my boss to remove me from that situation immediately.
Later, one of the women was forced to retire. The other one came to me and apologized. I accepted her apology, but I also told her that I would never forget the way she treated me and that I hope she wouldn't either.
After that, I never felt comfortable in that department. After about another year, I accepted a job doing internal documentation in another dept.
My current situation is almost as bad as the previous one. My boss wants me to accomplish the work of 2 people. I get no support whatsoever--nothing but criticism. I am doing a phenomenal job, but she doesn't know it because (again--this is a quote) "I don't even want to hear about documentation." She doesn't realize that doing the user documentation is a very demanding, deadline-intensive, full-time job. She really thinks that I can do it while responding to suddenly realized internal documentation needs. Previously, she chewed me out royally for asking to be included in meetings so that I could be aware of developments and learn more about our product. She has told me a number of times to leave the developers alone. Now, during my review, she told me that I wasn't interacting with the developers enough! She is also holding me responsible for defects that were filed against documents that I did not write and that I was never asked to assume responsibility for.
I am at the end of my rope. I work VERY hard, juggling many deadlines and still managing to help folks out as needed. This job very much interferes with my life. It wears me out just working a normal day, but I often have to bring work home because BIG CLUE--there's too damned much of it. But she doesn't get it because she doesn't even want to think about documentation.
Even though my overall rating on my performance evaluation last week was good, some of her comments were so unfair and wrong that I told her that I could not sign the forms until we discussed those comments. I have an appointment with her on Wednesday. I also have an appointment with my IC on Weds morning. We've already discussed some of the issues that I'm dealing with. I'm hoping that IC can help me to force the boss to express and formalize a realistic list of expectations, which I will then publish to the whole group. I've already convinced the boss that we need a better method of registering documentation requests. That will be a very positive change. "Psychic" will no longer be part of my job description.
Is my boss NPD? No. She's a female manager in a largely male world, she's stretched way beyond her capacity to manage, and she is intensely male-biased. It saves her butt. No. She is not a bad person, but she is making me a scapegoat, and she doesn't even realize it, because she doesn't take the time to examine anything. She looks at the surfaces of issues and she bases her judgments on that and on the opinions of the people that she perceives as powerful--the male developers. NOT me. She takes my attempts to explain as irritating and shirking.
The NPD issue is mine. This situation mimics the voicelessness I experienced in my previous marriage. I feel gutted and powerless.
I think this would be an uncomfortable situation for anyone. But I think that it bothers me much, much more than it should. Once upon a time, I think I could have smiled and said "sure, sure, you bet" all the time thinking "yeah. When pigs fly, bitch" and carried on doing what needs to be done (that is the real work) until the next performance review. Or I would have said, "I can't do two jobs. You need to make up your mind what you want me to do and stop blaming me when YOU or someone else drops the ball."
But, because of my NPDish mother and my WAY NPD ex, when I get into a situation like this, I just don't know how to cope. I feel like my boss has made up her mind and has already categorized me and that no matter what I say or do, it will just be twisted and used against me.
I'm working hard to develop rational, reasonable response to her unjust statements, and I will ask IC to help me couch my requests in unemotional, practical terms. But I admit it. I feel very panicky, hopeless, and depressed. I have so much work to do, and I am having difficulty focusing. I honestly have lost my motivation, and I just want to cry.
Sorry for the long message. And sorry if it isn't useful for anyone else.
However, hugs much appreciated. I am hurting.
This may help you or not.
We do carry around a lot of scars from our N-Exposure and I believe that makes us a bit hyper-vigilant. But that's OK. Once bitten, twice shy.
Hope this helps.
[This message edited by bobelina at 8:31 PM, February 11th (Monday)]
Sometimes bullchit is just that; bullchit. You can't change it, frost it, decorate it and call it good.
This stood out to me.
This job very much interferes with my life.
Start looking, passing along word that your interested in new opportunities, go to some business after-hours and find out what's out there. It may take time to find something that completely suits your needs, but it is worth looking.
Probably the hardest lesson learned from dealing with NPD is that sometimes the problem is NOT YOU!
Many positive thoughts!
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
My boss looked at me like I had a screw loose during my annual eval when I said that Rising Rock Star had the same abusive qualities of my WH - a batterer.
I illustrated my distrust with one very clear example and my boss "got it." Don't use your feelings - relay real experiences. The NPDs speak for themselves in their actions.
I watch and I listen and my gut instincts are confirmed.
Pay attention! If you feel you are being treated unfairly, don't blame it on ultra sensitivity - be glad that you can finally feel what is real. Listen, feel, believe your gut.
Some of us have a lot of time to devote to posting and because of the frequency of posts, are assumed to be "experts."
My decades long experinece with "feet of clay" in church work brings out the caution flag. Do not rely on any one person on this site to be your guru. There is is tendency in all of us who are recovering to lean on a "wiser" soul - yet that wiser soul is here and in pain too. We are all on level footing here and muddlig out way through.
Just an observation to be aware of, friends.
I sometimes wake up screaming in the night teh dreams are so real...
LL - if it is npd in the workplace I would definitely look to move departments. Life is too short to have contact with these lunatics. I think we are hyper-sensitive but only sensible to get well away from the loons! Good luck.
I agree with Disco, we have much to learn from each other, and we all have a lot to add. As all of our experiences are a bit different, thought the N-Script is prevalent, I believe all view points are helpful.
I have found in learning about the N-Exposure as in most things in life, it's best to have many counselors as Sun Tzu says in the Art of War. The more experience to draw from, the more accurate the picture becomes.
Just my nineteen cents.
Disco, thank you for sharing your experience. Your perspective will be helpful to me in my meeting tomorrow.
I am puzzled by your "Cult of Personality" warning, though. Would you mind elaborating?