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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unleash HELL!

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Cerise
♀ Member
Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone....Ive been covered in work and have not had time to read everything, but I just needed to have a small vent here...

In mediation my XH insisted that he have our DD 3 weekends out of the month, but he wanted to keep it flexible in case I wanted to spend time with our her. He has just recently moved back here from being out of state for 2 years.

He is now pestering me to take her every other weekend. Our DD also has church activities that she must participate in through the year that are on the weekends and he is questioning why I am involving him in that. He says he should not have responsibility for it. I wrote back that he should do it because he is her father.

He is really pestering me about the weekend thing....it is so blatantly obvious he doesnt want her around. He is such a prick.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He" sent an email sometime overnight. I've deleted it unread. I'm using MailWasher, so it never actually entered my mailbox, so he can't even use a password grabber or didtheyreadit.com or anything on me. I just bounced it, plain and simple.

I bet y'all thought I was joking about the nightmares being a sixth sense.

I've been calm throughout most of the morning, but it's done nothing to help my bad mood, and less to help my unsettled stomach. I believe at this point I've thrown up everything I've eaten for the last four days.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Threnody)) wow I can't imagine NOT reading an email my X would send me, even though I know it would be full of shit, it is the curiosity that gets me. Bravo for not and standing strong for yourself!!

JJCT, I agree with your unleash Hell!!

Cerise, your XH sounds like such a Prick. Any chance of talking to your lawyer and seeing if you could get custody? And that way XH would have to work with "your" schedule and have to deal with it!!

Me, well I spoke to X this morning, he is such a putz

He tells me this morning on the phone that he is "worried" because OW hasn't talked to him and didn't want to talk to him at all last night, he says he is wondering what she is thinking. Typical N behavior, only worried about himself. I even tried to explain to him that she has a lot on her plate, a lot of emotions, betrayal etc. Know what his answer is "oh well, maybe she will talk later on!!"

You know I am seeing more of these N traits the more I read and take to heart the information that helps me from this forum and this thread.

Thank you.


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Folks, those of you here who have gone through mediation or divorce with an N... DD123 needs some advice in General. "I thought I was beyond crying" is the thread. Please help.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my post...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=211227

Any help would be appreciated. I messed up completely.

[Edit to fix URL]

[This message edited by MangledHeart at 11:48 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my way to read ((hugs)) hang in there Threnody!!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cerise))) Don't let him grind you down; tell him that if that's what he wants, he needs to change it formally. If YOU don't mind. What an ass!

Dragonfly: What is that smell? Hmmm... burnt feathers. Sounds like PhD is smelling it too: CPS coming down on f'head, her most excellent self refusing services but demanding contact... are you sure this chick isn't NPD as well???

Threnody: I am so, so very sorry that Tweedledum has decided to try to slither back into your life again.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have suggested that a member of SI join our thread his name is AM I and I really feel his situation will be most understood here.

To read up on his situation go to the JFO and the thread is called I am going to lose my children....

Welcome AM I, you are safe here.


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just when you think you have read everything relevant to the topic. This one put me into tears.

From http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5

Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.

Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.

To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by catching her while she secretly masturbated. And when he caught her, he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further. Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!

He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous.

If a Controller is solely Borderline, his rages may remain verbal. You might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will "just happen" to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, "It was an accident," or "I didn't mean to hit you," or the ever-classic "Why didn't you duck?" - Not, "Why do I act so insane?" ...

Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder. ...



Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus, downfall. That's what I went thought. I don't have words to describe what seeing it on my screen just now felt like.

Thank you for posting it. I'm going to show Mr. Threnody because I think in some ways the after-affects of this are impacting my sexual life now.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

major setback for me last night and today...I should have known better when he came to me and said that he had decided to support me and my son in the house until he goes to school. Then he of course asked to change the terms of his visitation to thurs night-sunday instead of friday to sunday every other weekend in addition to one night during the week. I told him that I really appreciated him doing that. Then he came over and said "you know, I've put you through enough. I"m sorry....with the tears in his eyes but he can't look at me...you all know the ones. And from there is went downhill.


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

con't....me being compassionate and saying that I know that he's sorry and I appreciate him trying to make it right. Then came the fireworks...getting into the logistics of our relationship, the affair, his intent to live with OW, how he thinks that I am going to screw him if he agrees to anything, me calling him out and telling him that he is a liar and that I won't agree to the visitation for certain until he puts the agreement in writing...him evading, talking in circles, anything to not put it in writing, anything to continue to create a situation where he can try to manipulate me and not be held to any promise or settlement. I so want to be done with this whole thing, but I really want to be able to stay home with my son until he goes to school. We don't have the money right now for the lawyers, so it's all up in the air. Of course, after the fact, he comes back and says that he'll try to pay for the lawyers, that he wants me to stay home that he's scared that I'll try to "stick it to him" in the end, that he understands where I'm coming from. This relationship is so unhealthy. I was doing so well with NC, but we have logistic issues to work out regarding our son. I can't wait to be able to sit down with the lawyers and get this stuff in writing so that I don't have to talk to him about it anymore. I am so disappointed in myself for letting myself get engaged in this madness again. Does anyone have any techniques that they use when they're in the thick of it? Help!


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ktshadow))) Just remember: you're dealing with Gollum, here.

The whole point of getting a divorce will be that you agree on certain things. You can't be screwing him on things that he agrees to. So for him to say that you will screw him on the things that he agrees to is ludicrous in the extreme: 1, because you won't; 2, because these are things that he agrees to. Him saying that is just a dig; he wants you to say, "Of course not, sweet pea! How dare you think so! I never, ever would!" And so you never agree on anything. You won't be able to until a lawyer comes in and forces his hand. Why? He doesn't want to agree to anything not because you're going to screw him, but because he doesn't want anyone to tell him that he has to back up what he promises. He wants the latitude to do exactly what, when, where, why, and how he wants to do it.

So you can do one of two things: you can either "try" to agree on things with him and have him driving you nuts with his changing his mind all of the time and crying over what a bad boy he's been. He'll drive you nuts right up until the settlement. You'll be so sick and tired of dealing with him that you'll rush through the arrangements and agree to everything he wants, just to get him off of your back. Or you can just accept the fact that he's going to continue to be an asshole until the divorce comes, shut down convos about what an asshole he is and how you're going to screw him, make a very clear list of what you want and expect, and stick to it when the time arrives. You don't have to try to make his nonsense make any sense.

*geez, what a moron he is. he sounds like he's about two*


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks veritas for the common sense response. And I have felt as though my 3 year old son has a better concept of reason and conseqence than his 2 year old tiny pea brain does. After calmly revisiting the things we had discussed in a heated way earlier today where we pretty much didn't come to any more agreements (perish the thought!), but it was civil, I went to meet him to drop off our son and he didn't say hello to me and hung his head and shook it at me, like poor him, he was so defeated, even though we talked about some of the things that we might be able to compromise on earlier today in a civil fashion! He is completely berserk. I swear, if you have not been in a situation or a relationship with a person like this, there are no words to describe the madness. Thank you all for being in the same crappy boat and for reminding me that I'm not crazy.


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus is right!

((kt))

Well as for me, I have a horrid headache today, not sure why but it is bad enough to keep me from not being on here for too long.

BTW anyone wanna guess why OW would be looking at getting insurance on the home that she is in the midst of selling to X? My spidey senses are tingling!!

I heard thru the grapevine that she had the agent over to the house and then she was seen at his office.... me thinks she could be changing her mind. But then again she can't insure the contents of the home, because the home is not presently insurable, it still has things that are needed to be met to code before it is eligible.


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone feel that the *Full Moon* worsens the "N Effect"?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it FULL FORCE,


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I know just what you mean.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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