after DDay, she moved out to be with OM. leaving me and my daughter. for 2 months i literally begging her to come back to us.. then i found this wonderful site and i learn about 180 and NC. it helps me a lot during those roller coaster ride.. little by little i move on. trying to live better without her..
but then here she is.. out of nowhere.. texted me, that she wanted to talk. simple as that.. no indications of why or what she want. just "talk"
o remember. last christmas she texted me also saying " how am i doing" I replied to her that "we are doing good, we are happy and the baby is healthy." then she replied to me that i am the reasons why she ended like that. that i am a liar and i told to all her friends and co workers about her affairs, and it humiliates her. its like WTF? you do the shits and you blame me for that?
after that i didnt reply at all. up to this moment..
my friend told me that maybe she "sense" that i am happy now and moved on without her.
i dunno.. im still confuse on what she's up to. i dont wanna here any lies that's why i dont reply to her messages. i still love her.. yeah.. but then im beginning to love the life i have right now. the life without her.
I totally understand the nightmare of parenting with an npd freak - the manipulation of the kids is the most disgusting thing to witness. But kids arn't stupid, they know where the problem lies. I had a chat with my kids tonight (separately) and some interesting things emerged that might give you hope...
my ds (6) asked me who broke up with who tonight. This was the first time he had ever asked anything. I said it was daddy because he wanted to be with ow. My son replied "oh that's what ow did as well isn't it"? I said yes.
He then asked me if daddy broke up with me using a nasty voice or a nice voice! I thought that was quite an interesting perception from a six-year old! I went onto say that I love him and what dad does is his own choice etc etc. I was glad we had this chat and he finished off by saying I know you love us mom and I love you! Later on my dd said you can't trust dad to go through with what he says etc. she also said that I am less angry now I take my chinese herbs and a better mom. She said she loved me as well.
After all the stress (I feel bad that my girl even noticed how angry I got ) I feel vindicated that what I do is right. My two most important people made me feel that what I do is the best thing. They both know that they can trust me and that their father is far from impressive. It felt good.
I am sharing this with you because kids may not show they understand what you do but inside it is crystal clear to them. I know you all do a great job of picking up the pieces and it is tough to parent with a freak. You are all doing a fab job and your kids will let you know when they feel like it! We are great parents - the opposite of the freaks.
beginning to love the life i have right now. the life without her.
She may very well sense that you are happy, could have heard it from someone else, etc... If it is just an attempt to get in touch with you cause the OM fell through, she will go away when the next on comes into the picture.
Terrible to say but, more often then not, the truth.
I say this because.... Asshole KNOWS I am going to fight him in court, so what he did tonight, was to throw me off the warpath... Thankfully itty is right around the corner and came to my rescue YET AGAIN!
Distract, disrupt, all part of the NPD freaks way of showing their true colors.
<sigh> I don't have the strength to call him back yet.
Oh, for the newbies: "strength" for me means "the ability to speak to him without reaching through the phone and down his throat and dragging his balls all the way back through".
I feel like I'm dealing with a petulant child.
The thread in D/S "How to get custoday and make the bitch pay"
Read it.... that is what is happening to me word for word line by line
OMFG It is already in motion
As least I know his game plan... and I can counteract it RIGHT? Can I counteract this?
Are you okay?
Ittybittya here....she's over at my house right now, talking to an attorney on the phone. I alerted her to that thread in d/s. She is upset about it but trying to keep her focus as much as possible.
She is talking to anyone that will listen, god bless her.
It's hard for a best friend to watch this.
Your XH wants control, he wants to win, and he wants to scare you. The attorneys are going to go on with the business of divorce...they are out there to make money and narcissists mean $$$$$$$. The attorneys will get what they can from it. It is all part of a big game and has nothing to do with the reality of the situation.
The judges have been around the block. They have seen it all before. The case described in that thread is an isolated incident. It is not typical. You are not going to lose your babies.
ETA: PM for dragonfly.
[This message edited by Cerise at 12:25 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]
In dealing with my brother and his crazy ex, the courts really frown upon only one thing above all else: alienation of affection. You cannot speak badly about your ex in front of the kids, at all. No hinting, no snide comments, no "you know how your dad is," and you let their negative comments about their dad slide off of you, unless it is something you need to handle up on -- in which case you handle up on it outside of earshot of the kids. The woman in that scenario also left the state with the kid. That's not a good thing, and was probably the most damaging thing that she could have done to herself. The courts don't like to see dueling parents; if you appear to be reasonable, and your ex has nothing to indict you with, then you should have no worries. YOU are the one with documentation of HIS noncompliance with the children's medication. It'll be okay.
[This message edited by veritas at 2:05 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]
The night before last, my feet were so cold while I was sleeping. The cat lying across them just didn't seem to be doing the trick, so I turned my back to Mr. Threnody and curled up, extended my legs backwards just enough to rest my feet against his skin. I have often done this, and he laughs when I do it. I started feeling comfortable, so drifted off to sleep, I guess. It seemed only a second later I heard a sound at the bedroom door, which we leave opened about five or six inches so we can hear if the kids come downstairs. I opened an eye then sat straight up in bed, gasping so hard I felt a muscle or ligament in my neck "pop". G. was standing right there in my door, just his face peering in that five or six inch gap. I sat there frozen, heart hammering and a million different murderous emotions running through me.
Mr. T put his hand on my shoulder. "Honey? Are you alright?" I blinked, still facing the door, and G. was gone. He'd never been there. Mr. Threnody's hand was, indeed, on my shoulder, and I was sitting up, staring at the door. But no one was there. I got up to check the doors and the alarm, and everything was as it should be.
Needless to say, I couldn't fall asleep after that.
Last night I fell asleep before Mr. T came to bed. He was up very late, doing some work for a proposal, so I read until I couldn't stay awake any longer and turned the light out. The phone rang and I picked it up -- odd, since I don't have a phone in the bedroom. But it was G., and he asked if I was sure Mr. T was doing work and not something else. I slammed the phone down then heard something behind me. I rolled over. Mr. Threnody was coming to bed. I asked him this morning what time he came to bed and he said 12:45. I had turned my light out at 11:58 and fallen asleep immediately. It took less than an hour for the dream to start.
These semi-waking dreams are unsettling, panic-inducing. I never have these about any other topic. The AD I'm on makes me sleep quite well, so much so that I never hear the kids if they get up. So why a semi-conscious nightmare? The line between sleep and wakefulness is virtually non-existent. I have to rely on very specific data points to know for sure what is real and what isn't. The doors. The alarm system. The lack of phone in my room. What time the clock reads.
I want all of this to be over. I want to be deleted again. Still. Forever. I want this never to have happened in my life. These remnants bring on such a feeling of despair and insecurity, and I can't do much about them. I find I can't even talk to Mr. T about them really. "I had a bad dream" is as far as I can get.
I have to leave to get Birdie Sue from school in a few minutes and I'm so tired I can hardly see properly. I have tears rolling down my face when I consider the effort it's going to take to get through the rest of the day. And after I do? It's night time. And the dreams.
(((dragonfly))) I am sensing your pain and your anxiety and your anger. I have been in a similar situation.
I really do not believe your X will get custody. Everthing I have read leads me to believe that judges are reluctant to change custody unless there has been drastic change in circumstances. Joint custody seems to be the standard these days. We both know how well co-parenting works with a narcissit.
I've had to deal with fighting for health care for my daughter and I've had to pay for a lot of it out of pocket. It sucks. It isnt fair. I think I am getting past the anger stage though, even though it flares occasionally, and I'm moving into acceptance. There are some things I cannot change...it's not right and its not fair, but I can only do the best I can do.
I can tell you've been abused. You seem to brace yourself for the worst....I hate to say "awfulize," but I will because I cant think of a better word. I do the same thing. I've thought about this tendency of mine, and I think is is the result of growing up abused. If I expect the worst and the worst should happen, then I will be emotionally prepared. If the worst doesnt happen, then I will be pleasantly surprised. I'm in the process of trying to rewire my brain.
I think there is also a sort of learned helplessness that results from being abused and being dominated. I see that in myself. I'm working on finding my "inner bitch," and I think you need to also. When a person is abused, it does no good to fight back. If you fight back you are abused more....so you learn not to fight back, not to protect yourself.
Also abuse has resulted in my doubting myself, and i see that in you too (((dragon))). You are much stronger than I think you give yourself credit for. It's hard to undo the programming of having the person we love belittle us day in and day out...but I believe it can be done. If we have the capability to love others, then we have the capabilty to love ourselves.
What are you doing to care for yourself and nurture yourself? You are under a lot of stress. I sense that you are burning the candle at both ends and you're going to run out of wick!
I also sense that anger that I'm so familiar with....the years of suppressed anger that have to come out. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.
NPDs are crazy making. They will suck the life right out of you. They enjoy it. That's how they get their thrills, so we have to figure out how to be strong to weather the storm, so to speak. I'm still working on that too.
I am really hoping that some of this makes sense and is a comfort to you. If it isn't I would like you to respond and set me straight. I feel like I'm rambling...
I know those dreams too. I wish the hell they would go away also. For you, me and our (((Tribe))). I don't like sleepinf 4 hours a nite. It's getting as bad as it was when STBXPDW wasn't coming home.
Hug Mr. T, please. He sounds like the most super-kewl-gnarly dude. You need him and I'm sure he wants to be there for you. He is your best friend, ya know?
What a freakin' N-Capade lately.
bob: if you were dealing with a human being, I'd say to see if they want to reschedule visitation permanently, IF AND ONLY IF it was convenient for you, and making sure that it is ironed out specifically that this is a favor on the magnitude of "can you paint the sistine chapel for me, mr. buonarotti?" With your wife, I really don't know.
My little saga continues... a phone number popped up on the bill yesterday, and at first I thought it was a government office. Dickwad is negotiating a secret business deal and planning on leasing an office without telling me. He has further not paid the property taxes on a piece of our house (the piece that the mortgage company does not pay). So I thought maybe he was handling some business. It turned out to be a halfway-frickin-house! All the little jailbirds know him, apparently.
You are right in many ways. I am preparing for the worst. But at the same time, over the last hour or so, I have this sense of calm about me.
I now KNOW his "game plan".. Remember last night, I posted about him putting OW on the phone with the boys... Part of the plan! At least NOW I can recognize what asshole is doing and shrug it off the best I can.
Itty can testify to this, but I do not speak badly of Asshole infront of the children or even her children for that matter... I do not make snarky comments regarding OW or Asshole.. I went through it as a child, Mom VS Dad, although my Father remained silent for years. At any rate, I refuse to put my children through that. Especially my oldest. This is something I pride myself on and will never change. Despite what may or may not happen in the future. The boys will figure it out on their own.
Granted.. Fighting for the right to seek services for my oldest Son with Asperger's is something I am going to continue with. I am waiting for the returned reciept of the letter sent out to PhD in order to try communication first. If there is no response, the next step would be to sent out another certified letter with return reciept demanding PhD to stop treating my son PERIOD.
(All suggestion on how to compose such a letter will be appreciated, as I have a lot of anger about this situation and I feel that it will spill out in the letter. I need to be direct and to the point. PM with help)
Makes me crazy sometimes the wait and see BS.. But well worth it in knowing I am trying my best to communicate with this PhD, sick or not instead of ending treatment based on my discontent.
Since I do not have an attorney, I will just have to sit back and do the best I can.. If asshole trys to drag me back into court, I can only state what I have documented and await the judges decision. Asshole has said more then once, "We'll always be fighting in court" and "My boys will not be in ---- Public Schools for long"
This has been a eye opening day for me. I thank you all for your words of wisdom and support.
[This message edited by Dragonfly32 at 4:24 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]
Bob, your stxw should not be calling the kids. Are you keeping a diary of all this? She needs to come to you, not the kids. It is bad for the kids and for you on many levels.
--It puts you in the position of being the bad guy.
--When she calls I'm sure it just adds stress to an already stressful life for you and the girls.
--I would imagine the girls feel put on the spot when she calls. Their mother is manipulative. She is being manipulative and controlling.
--You and the girls might be on edge wondering when she is going to call next and what to say to her.
--She is negative, negative, negative.
Documented much. Hundreds of pages of crap.