Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty,
I read your W's thread in WF.
The emotions seems to be running very high with you both at this time (understandably), and I am wondering whether a short separation might help to give you both some space to breathe, think, and plan your next moves.

We have done that (just a week) and during that time, you both think clearly about what you want now and going forward, and what you are willing to do now and going forward.
Then write it down. After a week, arrange set up a meeting, where you both present your side clearly. Have a discussion, point out dealbreakers, compromise if possible. Set up clear boundaries on both sides. Hash it out, until you have a working paper that you are both comfortable with.
And then start R again. If thats what you BOTH choose to do.

This LTA crap is just so painful by itself. I KNOW what you are feeling because H's A started 2 years BEFORE our M. I know.
Just dont add any more shit to the pile, ok?

Take care.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read a book called Steering Clear by Earl Wilson.

IMHO, this book really explains just HOW someone can do something very awful like have an affair.

Oh yeah. No mor, I printed your post and intend to check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation. Is it fiction or non-fiction?

I wish I could do all Zen-like like ROBT, but...

Oh Lost...if you only knew me in real life. Not QUITE Zen-like.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks No Mor - I ordered the book. Sounds interesting.

Hefty - I can't stress this enough. You really need to find an IC so you can begin sorting this out. As BT said, you are living with someone who is quite damaged and living a completely seperate and compartmentalized life. Discovering this and trying to wrap your head around it on your own is like trying to stop the bleeding of an amputated limb on your own. Have you taken any steps to find someone? Or perhaps you're already there. I don't remember. Anyhow, if you're not in IC please, please, please do so immediately. SI is great and the support is as real as it gets but you must also dissect this and begin some understanding. Hang in there. It does get better.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI All:
Thank you for your hugs and encouraging posts. It was difficult to post again, but I am glad I did. When the topic applies, I'll add more, but for now, that's all.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Like Run asks, is it fiction or non-fiction?

Hefty, I am so sorry for your pain. All I can tell you is that the journey back to your self will make you stronger than you ever know. You feel weak now, but I promise you, you will never be as weak again. I know you want your wife to be with you in this pain, some can and some can't. No matter, there isn't one person that can fill this wound. While you wait, be sure to find alternatives, even if it is just for a few minutes at a time.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zanny, looks like non-fiction. Psychological (Christian). I added it to my shopping list (for when I finish my other two piles ). I'm hopeless.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do we have to forgive the HO?

How is that going to help?

I think just getting to a place where I don't want to send daggers through the ho bitch's heart may be all I can do.

In the dictionary the first definition for forgive is "to grant pardon for or remission of; to absolve". Oh, hell no. I cannot grant the ho bitch a pardon for what she did. Now the fourth definition is "to cease to feel resentment against". To me that isn't forgiveness, but maybe acceptance of a situation that really sucks.

Does this mean that I will be stalled in my own recovery? In order to move forward must I find a way to forgive the unforgivable?



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution[1].

- Wikipedia

This is the type of forgiveness that I think my goal is to achieve. I hope that someday I can get to a place where I am no longer resentful, indignant or angry. I hope to find a place where, when I think of them, it is nothingness. No anger which saps my energy. No resentment which eats at my heart. Just nothingness.

In the meantime I want them to suuuuufffffeerrrrrrr


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I just ordered "Steering Clear."
The contents sound very interesting...relevant.

Zanny...sounds like it could help your situation too.

run, my addiction (all my life) is "books". So you have company in "those plies."

My kids already plan to have the mother of all book sales when I am gone.

Hefty,

I too read the exchanges with you and your W in WW.
Perhaps you two do need a time-out. She obviously cannot hear your pleas for comfort.
But time, hefty.....time has a way of offering private comfort and distance. Your pain right now is so acute, so raw... (and the pain IS just that at the calendar stage you are at)...do something, how ever small and "constructive" for yourself, today...and tomorrow...and the next.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the meantime I want them to suuuuufffffeerrrrrrr
Shirley you kill me!

Does this mean that I will be stalled in my own recovery? In order to move forward must I find a way to forgive the unforgivable?
If this is the case SVS you'll be in good company because I'll be stalled there right with you. And in your sitch especially - she is certainly the unforgivable!

I'm with Run. Shooting for indifference. They really are nothings as human beings. There is just something that feels soooooo good about hating her! Perhaps it's because I still struggle with the whole HPV thing and it's not over. Although I don't really see me giving it up even when it is.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((svs)))))))

Forgiveness

For me, at this stage....it has nothing to do with absolving anyone.

Forgiveness to me now means "giving up all hope for a better past."

I can't change it, I can't rewrite it....

"Now" is the only place where sanity and solace lies.

"Now" leads to all the tomorrows....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC,
In case I miss you tomorrow, I pray that it all goes well,and you are able to put this last block behind you forever!

In Zanny's words, buckets of white light for you!

***
Hey Zanny!
Nice to see you.

***
((((SVS))))
You cant forgive the inforgiveable. But the day will come when you will think of her only with pity and disdain. If at all.

***


Forgiveness to me now means "giving up all hope for a better past."

Yes! Thats the one I like and am confortable working towards! Thank you NAS.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of forgiveness I saw something really interesting on tv the other day that I think applies although it's not about infidelity.

There was a woman being interviewed whose father had been killed by an IRA bomb in the UK a number of years ago, you may remember the bomb that blew up a hotel in Brighton and nearly killed Margaret Thatcher and most of the British government. Anyway they caught the man who planted the bomb and he went to jail for a while.

Whilst he was in jail the daughter contacted him and they started to converse because she wanted to understand how he could have done this to her father. What has transpired is that these two now work around the world together promoting discussion and understanding as the solution to world problems and not violence. She now calls him her friend!

HOWEVER and I think this is the important part for us, she has NOT forgiven him for the death of her father. This happened twenty years ago and she knows she will never forgive him for such an act of violence, but what she has come to is a place of some understanding and an ability to accept that what has happened cannot be changed and that the only way to move on is to try and get something out of the horror. She is very happy with this for herself, her unforgiveness no longer holds her back, she has given herself permission to not forgive this man and feels that in society today far too much pressure is put on an individual to forgive, when what is necessary is the ability to be able to move forward.

The ability to move forward and aim for a happy fulfilled life does not need to necessarily include what is often thought of as forgiveness.

I think this is an interesting view on forgiveness from someone who certainly should know something about it. I guess this means that we don't have to forgive ow, what we need to do, is not allow the ow to hold us back.

Cowgirl you are a shining example to us all!

Maybe we don't even need to forgive our H's?


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HealingTree had a great post in Recon a few days back. I just bumped it to the top but it helped me to realize that, on some plane, I have already begun to forgive my H.

Here is the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=211830


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a sec here on my lunch break.

Forgiveness for ow ?????? Not yet and maybe never.

But other than the forgiveness issue IC/MC was really very good last night. Just remembered to add that she told us last night that she believes me to be suffering PTSD. I've tried to tell H that for quite some time and I've wondered if he actually thought it possible. Now he's heard it from somewhere other than me. Also this morn I had him to read the thread on Gaslighting. He needs to understand the extent of the damage he caused with the lies after Dday, as if Dday was not enough in itself. But we are in a good place right now, hope it lasts.

Gotta go
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A while back (I forget if it was LTA VIII or VII) but the question was asked, would we ever consider cheating on our S's now that we know what they did to us (I'm not sure if this was it exactly but I do believe it is close).
Anyway, I didn't get to answer that day and by the next day well, you know, too many other posts and topics to comment on.

I decided to post this now because of where Hefty was just a few days ago - so glad he's realized his mistake.
The #1 reason I would/could never to do this to my H after learning about his LTA is that I could NEVER, NEVER, NEVER bring this pain into the life of another human being. I could not live with myself. Hefty, I say this in case you ever feel weak and frustrated by your W's lack of remorse in the future. No one deserves to have this happen to them. Just knowing the devastation that I have personally experienced and witnessing every day on here the pain and heartache, not to mention the damage this does to our children, how could any one of us ever consider crossing this line?
If I ever believed it possible before, and let's face it temptation is everywhere, I know with absolute certaintly that I would rather die than cause anyone this pain. It literally breaks my heart every time I see a new member. To be responsible for bringing in a new member to SI would destroy me. I don't mean to be so dramatic but it is so heartbreaking to hear the stories posted here.
NoMor - thanks for the book recommendation - maybe I'll pick it up on Tuesday since we'll be near Borders. This sounds like something I could really benefit from now.
Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution[1].

This is my idea of forgiveness and as far as I am concerned, indifference goes hand and hand with this. It is my goal to reach a place of indifference toward the OW but more importantly to release all of my anger and bitterness so that I can be happy and free. I will do it for me and only me. In the meantime, yesterday was so cathartic!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with the indifference crowd. I may not feel that blazing hatred any more, but I do hope that she reaps what she has sown and what goes around comes back around. It comes from the fact that I did try to give her the opportunity to at least appear somewhat apologetic for her part in at least screwing up my kids's lives. She was a total bitch to me the first contact I had with her, and even more of a bitch, when she realized that even if I wasn't in the picture any more, he still no longer wanted any kind of relationship with her. She was po'd at me for screwing up her delusional little fantasy world.

I did see the lie speech on House last night, weepy.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trigger, trigger rigger while reading today. Can't be on here today for whatever reason.

Just started readin Eat, Low, Pray or whatever it is last night! What a coincidence! I like it so much already.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think as BS's we often make the mistake of thinking that if we forgive or tell our FWS's that we forgive them that we are saying that what they did was ok. It is not ok, it will never be ok. What they did has no right whatsoever to attain forgiveness, even if they change and do all the right things. It is a deed done, that has done significant damage, and that was deceitful and heinous to the soul of another, someone that trusted them.
That said, what I think you will discover is that forgiving him for this does not mean that you will ever be ok with what he did, it means that you are ok how he has changed and what kind of husband and person he is to you now. Forgiveness will allow you to benefit from this change. When I forgave my husband, I did not forgive him for what he did, I forgave him for being weak and broken enough to do that, and I acknowledged that he was worthy of being in my life now because of the hard work he put into fixing himself and working on our marriage and family.

This quote was from erinlc in the link HS highlighted. I love this response. I think especially for us LTA survivors, it is too great a task to expect us to forgive years and years of deceit. But I can look at my H as damaged and see his remorse now and his pain and it does help me to understand somewhat how this was possible. I know I will never fully understand how someone who is supposed to love and cherish you could cause you so much pain but accepting that and trying to look at what he is doing now, trying to move forward in our R, I agreed 100% with erinlc that forgiveness will allow us to "benefit from this change." How else can we hope to have a stronger, more meaningful M?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Content  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful words, run over, shirley, no mor and numb and scared. I have just started reading eat love and pray. I am also working with another book called you can heal your life by Louise Hay which is very powerful. It's like a therapy session whenever I have time. I actually got the courage to talk about my feelings this morning with WH and he was kind and said it is very hard for him and he is sorry for f***ing up my life. He said to leave a list for him and will try to look at websites and books I suggest. Thank you all so much for your understanding. This is the only place I can openly discuss this problem as no one, not even our children know about this only that we are having relationship probs and that their dad is an alcoholic. So thanks for listening.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hope))))

So glad you made some headway with talking to your H.
The more comfortable you two make conversation about the big "IT".....the sooner "IT" can be relegated to the past.

That is so crucial to beginning to heal.

"Heal Your Life" has been a mainstay on my bookshelf for many, many years. It is applicable to so many life struggles with self.

Hugs

[This message edited by numb and scared at 2:55 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.