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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, I read your thread in R. It sounds like you are going through a tough time.
Hold on weepy.You are made out of some strong stuff mate!

((((weepy))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot believe the depths of my sadness these days. Thought I was past that.

Although he told me he was skipping IC this week his C called tonight and said he had an opening tomorrow and H took it. Maybe if I sleep somewhere else tonight he'll get the idea that something is wrong.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((weepy)))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting.

But what did I miss? Why don't you want him to go to IC?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, whatís going on? Do you think it could be your meds? You really shouldnít be feeling like this. Are you still unable to trust or believe anything he says? What about work, maybe youíre missing work Ė it was a distraction and gave you something else to focus on. Meanwhile, if youíre waiting for ďsomethingĒ to happen or go wrong you are putting yourself on those tenterhooks perhaps unnecessarily. Sounds like you need to go back to your therapist and/or your doctor. Upping meds is not always the answer, although changing them might be.

Hope you had a good night's rest and that things look better this morning. (((((weepy)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any of us in this tribe give consideration to Valentineís Day? I donít know about the rest of you, but I know the eve of VDay before DDay, FWH was with OW. He then had to go abroad on the 14, so they did the texting/phoning instead. How romantic. Ugh! VDay is a no-no, and those cards make me puke! How come they donít have suitable ones for FWSís?

Well, Iím off down the gym to ellipt, run, row, cycle, crunch and throw some weights around. No diet, just upping my serotonin levels.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, how are you?

Ukgirl, VDay is also yeuch for me. OW#1's bday is around then, (he said its on either side, he doesnt remember ).So from 1991 to 2005, he was either texting/emailing/phoning or if he was there, with her around this time. Then from 2004 onwards, he had OW#2, to celebrate Vday with.
I am sure he must have fit me in somewhere.

I thought we would reclaim it last year, but he fell through.

Anyway, what is Vday?
A particular day of the year, when the whole freekin world goes abit soppy mad.I think its ALOT of pressure to put on any couple, esp ones' whose plates are full enough as it is.

Although I have every year since I met H, did something for H (cards, gifts,special dinners etc), I am not going to this year. Not out of bitterness, but because I dont see what the point of it would be. i wouldnt be holding my breath that he would either.
Thats fine. If he is going to express his feelings me, rather he do it, when he wants to, not because he has to.

Thats my 2p Ukgirl.
What do you want to do this year?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOrning folks. Here I am with a huge slap of irony this morning.

Couldn't sleep.. may have been increase in meds, started yesterday. While not sleeping because of anti-depressants, I had a huge attack of depressive mood.

I got up at 12:30 last night and wrote it all out, slept 4 hours. I'm thinking I'll tell H to read it, but he's off to IC now. Which brings us to another dilemna... this is a good time for me to go search the car for the card. It's the only time, other than when he's in the shower that I have access.

Someone responded to my post in R about how he's controlling our sex life even while telling ME that I'm the one in control. So I broke it down for him, how I feel like my wanting him is a gift that he keeps saying "thanks, but no thanks" until he's in a rutting mood and then he's all over me.

In the note I ask him to try and remember what it felt like when he was seeing "rejection" from me and how he turned to others to make him feel sexy and desireable, wanted. That it's fortunate that I don't have the means, the opportunity or the desire to do that. NOt to mention the absolute BALLS of doing that and expecting everything to be peachy at home.

So 4 minutes and I can leave. Do I?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy I'm not entirely sure what you're asking so I can't give you any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I hope it gets better for you.

((((Weepy))))

sorry I'm no help. I guess most of the others are asleep!

Mumto3.



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi weepy. I just wish in a way our WS would pursue us constantly whether we reject or not the other way around. Even saying no I would feel wanted. Least they could do IMHO and would show they are making it up to us. In some ways I am amazed that us BS even want to. I wonder if he understands that you even wanting him is oh so hard at times.

A heavy weekend question. Does it get better? I feel the hurt turning into apathy on my part. Is this the plain of lethal flatness?

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 8:53 AM, January 26th (Saturday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went, I searched, no card.

So I'm going to do what my therapist suggested and ask him to help me. Tell him why I had my dr. up my meds. Tell him it might be the illness talking, but I'm way too edgy and paranoid to have anything even "look" out of kilter without an explanation.

Pair the missing card with the sexual rejection and blameshifting and you have affair mode all over again.

We'll see how he is after IC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, Iím not sure what youíre looking for. Whatís brought all of this on and why now? Is it to do with intimacy, or lack of? Do you suspect something? If you have something to ask your FWH, then ask, donít stew on it (says she ) What will upping your meds do for you, are you supposed to get lower before you get back up again? I know thatís how some of them work, but I have no personal experience. Iím not depressed myself, distressed, yes, but my personality is generally (well, used to be) pretty even keel.

LostH. Last yearís VDay we went to our local Italian for the VDay dinner and my H gave me a heart-shaped box containing chocolate covered Turkish delight hearts. He had put my eternity ring in the middle. He said it was a half-way ring and that one day he hoped I wear my wedding ring again. So that was kind of okay. Then, of course, I found the f*cking poetry and put the ring in my jewellery box, where it has stayed.

This year? Like my bíday and our anniversary (I wonít mark that day anymore, I tell him he finished our marriage in 2001), Iíll probably make sure Iím simply not here, that way thereís nothing to plan or get excited about! But he probably won't think about it anyway, so what's the worry??


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Weepy}}}
No advice... I can only empathize.
I've never been a great sleeper (FOO issues and now dx'd with CFS & FMS). I have major trouble 'shutting off' now, esp. with anti-versary less than 2 wks away. Lately I'd rather not reach the REM
dream stage as I've had the strangest dreams and awful nightmares since New Yr's. I'm awake every couple of hours (after I finally fall asleep).

I agree that Valentine's day is just so depressing. Last year was heart-wrenching. Hallmark doesn't make cards for LTA sentiments!!! Wanting something from his heart is an every day desire, not a once a year event.

Hefty: Better is relative... there are good days, bad days, and varying levels in between. Most of SI will tell you it's a roller coaster ride (not the thrilling kind). A day at a time is all I can handle... an hour at a time is sometimes more than I can handle.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, can u guy tell me what u mean by anti-anniversary.
Sounds like a lot of us are having a hard time these days. This will be my first Valentine's day since dday. I dont know how I will handle it. Guess like I handled our anniversary and Christmas, kinda numb. He did all the right things, but its so hard for me. I think about past yrs, him thinking about her, wanting to be w/ her, not me. (it was a long distance EA.)
Also, I need this tribes advice. I posted something in the R forum, let me find it, copy and post it here. I think u can better help me.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, can't help it. Gotta post this one....

A Valentine verse to OW from FWH

A Red Red Rose
With apologies to Robert Burns (and I know Burns night was last night!)

O my Luve's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June;
O my Luve's like the melodie
That's oddly out of tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
At least I thought I was, my dear
But now Iím wondering why

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
Iíll tell you that I luve you, dear
And then Iíll have to run

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
And fare thee weel awhile!
Until the next hotel, my luve
Iím off back home awhile.

And now the fog is clearing fast
My ďluveĒ has faded too
I really love my wife, you see
So Iíll say goodbye. Adieu.

PS thanks for the sex

Anyone else?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone is just curious or would like to get an insight into my H he just posted in General as "emptyone". Just a warning though - the topic may be a little triggery. In his defense, he is working very hard on this...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on the
R forum the other day, but I think you guys can better help me. Here goes. I had read a text to one of his friends (woman, not ow) that is now deleted. When I first read it, it didnt bother me, but now I got to wonder. I found in the saved draft section something he started to text her, it said something like "im sorry for the way I acted the other day.) He did work w/ her a few days ago. I guess I wouldnt have been so upset if he hadnt deleted it. Anyway, when I asked him about it he admitted that he might have said some things to her that had some innuendo in it. She was talking about guys she dated and he said something like he felt left out or something like that. I told him if that was all it was, why delete it. He really didnt have an answer for that. Funny, he said, dont worry about it we are just freiiiiii and then he stopped himself. He knows that phrase pisses me off. He has also been reading "not just friends." I asked him what other stuff has he deleted, of course he says nothing. I just dont beleive him anymore. I dont think he is out looking for someone, but he just has boundary issues. I dont know what to do anymore.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 12:31 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Helpless  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I'm an idiot. I am paranoid, sick, crazy.

I asked him about the card today. He freaked saying I should have asked that very morning, the very minute I saw it and he could have explained it away, but I let it build up into some huge deal and if I had, the sex thing would not have happened.

He said he sensed that I was initiating for a reason other than "love". Like I was testing him. I didn't even realize I was giving out those vibes.

Anyway, the card was in the house, in his drawer, waiting for the next opportunity he could use it.. like today.

It bothers him that I'm on the fence still. He actually asked me today if we were going to be in therapy for life or whether I was ever going to make up my mind whether to say or go.

He says HE has the subject for our next MC session... he's going to ask her if I'm the one who needs to change now. Can't wait for this one!

I think I'm going to tell him I need to get away and think things over for myself, no interference from C, from SI, from him.

I'm just still so scared to make that leap.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I know what you're going through - we all do. It's another one of those fallout responses that somehow we must learn (for our own sanity) to overcome. I test my H too and when he fails, I'm devastated. But like I posted the other day to UKgirl, we really have to address our suspicions immediately otherwise they build up and create more problems for us. And so many times I have been discovering (and looks like you did too this time) that I was wrong and let my hightened suspicions get the better of me. KWIM?
It does sound like Mr. Weepy handled this pretty well.
He says HE has the subject for our next MC session

This one made me chuckle - he seems so sensitive about control issues and now he's taking control and leading the next session. I love that! Who knows, maybe this will be a good thing. What do you think?
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that Valentine's day is just so depressing. Last year was heart-wrenching. Hallmark doesn't make cards for LTA sentiments!!! Wanting something from his heart is an every day desire, not a once a year event.

Lostsuol - there's a collection of Hallmark cards called "Between You and Me" and I have found some really good ones there. They don't necessarily address a particular holiday or event but deal with emotional situations. I love the collection. I have had so much trouble shopping for cards in the general categories and most times I leave in tears. But in this group they have a section for "troubled relationships" and you can find some great ones there if you are interested. In the past 2 years I have only given my H 2 cards and both came from this group. Let me know what you think.
Ukgirl - Loved the poem. I might try to work on one too but I think this calls for FSA - she's a natural!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - had a terrible trigger today with this complete beeeeeaaaatch in JFO. Saw a post that said should I tell the wife and thought maybe I would be helpful. Turns out it was an OW posting in JFO and freaking everybody out. Meanwhile, I read her profile (which she has since changed) and it is all about how LTA wives are lack self-esteem, are weak, have no self-respect, etc. etc. etc.

First reaction was complete fucking rage. Second reaction was a flood of tears. This is what everybody thinks of us. That we are just weak. That we can't stand to be without a man so we will put up with anything. I do not believe that is who I am but to see it in print it mortifying.

Meanwhile, who is this fucking skank who fucks married men and then passes judgement on us.

I am sorry if I am triggering anybody here but I could not believe the arrogance of this bitch. To come into a forum where newly betrayed people are trying to find solace and to post this crap makes me want to break something.

Okay, sorry that this is turning into a vent. I am just so glad I found this place and I was so upset to find this harpy, this scavenger, this bloodsucker here criticizing us.

God I hope the Karma bus is going 75 when it hits her!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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