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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
heftyswife
♀ New Member
Member # 17847
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not trying to bash anyone. I take total responsibility for my actions and now am trying to make it right.


ME-WS 29
BS - 34
Together - 13 yrs.
M 6 yrs
1 Child - 2
LTA 6 YEARS

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NY
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really good start, heftyswife.

Welcome to SI. There are many MANY others in your shoes who are amazing people and will help you in ways you won't even believe--if you'll let them.

I hope you stay around.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty and Heftyswife....

I was going to wait it out until you two were in a better place...but....

Please.....we care where you both are, but this thread is for LTA recovery. Not for witnessing in real time, the very thing that we live with, or have lived with every day.

Please....talk to each other.....phone, text, email, in your kitchen, whatever.

run....hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((LTA Tribe))))))))

I'm in for the book - wish there was information out there on how to handle the LTA and consequences like OC.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((svs))))))))))


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím with nas on this.

Heftyswife, you have your space in wayward. Please use that. Anyone interested can view your posts there. This area is a support group for BSís of LTAís. We are all having a tough time with our own WS IRL, and for me, I donít think this place is appropriate for H/W ping-pong.

I wouldnít want to see any progress you two are making halted if the mods feel you are overstepping the mark and remove you.

SoLost, read my post?

Update on my Mum. Sheís out of cardiac IC and back on the ward. Phew!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl, thanks for the update on your mum. You must be so relieved.

Thank you all for the input re. the marrying the parent issue.
You know my IC has been saying this from the second session, and to be honest,I have been brushing her off. I told her that I dont have issues with my dad...that that is over and done with. He is non-existent to me.Shows what I know huh?

She also said that H def has issues with his mum. So does that mean I am like MIL?? Oi!
Man, I am so hoping not.

Fnf, I actually did get the Hendrix book after BT recommended it. I am shamefully going to say that I havent read it. I thought it was about making a better M, and by the time I got it, I didnt think I was ready for that. I thought I should be sorting out my own shit first. So its under the cupboard with the workbook.
Will dust it off today.
I hang my head in shame.

OTC, do you think its impt for both of us to be working on this issue at the same time, like you and H did?
ROBT, did you and H do it together, or did you each follow you own path towards that goal?

H starts new IC tonight. She is recommended by my IC and hopefully, will be a right fit for him.(us).
We are "scheduled" to have a talk about recent events at 13:15. He said that he wants me to know right now that there is noone else, and that he hasnt done anything dodgy. And I will be hearing more of the same later on.So...

(((SVS)))

Hey Run aka Tribe Guardian. Thank you for looking out for us.

Nas, now you got me thinking about the bookcover. I was picturing all the Hollywood avatars(Linda Hamilton; Susan Sarandon; Jen Garner etc) wearing green berets and designer hangbags and shoes standing in front of our Nordic lodge by the sea.
Dont think so!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the ping pong. I should not have posted in response I am sorry tribe. I did belive this was our area. Sorry again.

I will say on the plus side she is doing some better things now. We have an oh so long road.

How is the book coming along? I would be willing to help if possible.

I am still in trauma by the A


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have my IC today and am going to "hash it out" with her over her suggestion last week that H and I enter a one year formal separation. I can't stop thinking about her motivation or, perhaps even more important, her qualifications to suggest such a thing. It is really under my skin and if I don't understand it or at least get it out in the open I believe I cannot continue to see her. Hey, who needs her, I have you guys.

Given that I have never been to an IC before, I am not sure if there are any groundrules or rules of engagement. Anyone have any suggestions?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk about anything you want with your IC. You may not always like what she says back (like me), but whatever is bothering YOU is the subject at hand.

I would ask straight out what her motivations were for suggesting the separation agreement.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, I did read your post. Very helpful.

Last night, however, didn;t go quite as planned. I started thinking about it all adn getting so sad adn hurt. But I just couldn't talk about how I wished he wanted me more, you know? I just felt like it was a humiliating discussion that I couldn't do right then. Wh asked me what was wrong adnI just told him I didn't feellike talking right then. He waited a couple minutes and then moved and scooted byme to snuggle on the couch.

I watched a show adn then kissed his cheek adn said I as goign to bed. He was a bit surprised I think. I was also irritated that the second he got home from karate he turned the computer on when he had been on it for 4hours today (Everquest). He hs not been on that long in a while, but does go on every night.

So I went up and then came back downstairs to check something although really I think I was fishing. He took the bait. lol. He came to see what I needed and then said he was going to lie with me.Idio me said no, I don't need the pity. I sobbed for a couple minutes and then called him up. Hetook one look at me and said "Oh, baby" adn came right up and laid with me and told me he loved me so much adn he was so sorry adn all.

We lie there for a while and eventually, by his initiating (!!) we made love. He hadn't taken any pills, so you know how that goes with ED, but I felt loved, you know? Of course, now woke up to aunt flo, so things will be curbed for a bit. I got steroid inmjections in my back andthey make me get my period every couple weeks, joy joy.

So thanks for the advise. I guess we are just finding our way. It's been a long time since we were really a married couple and not roommates, you know? I did tell him I was so scared, which is something I have been wanting to say. He told me he walked away once and he was never going to do it again.

Of course, things are now tainted a bit. Checked keylogger this am and when he got off the computer to come up he wrote

bah, I might not be on...wife giving me grief

I know it was just an offhand comment to get out of the game but it still stung a bit.

OK, that ping pong was abig trigger. Not up to witnessing that right now.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to address the "smurf" situation here.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to have both parties posting, setting up the rules, guidelines, etc.

This forum is supposed to help ALL who are dealing with the fallout from an LTA. WS and BS alike. But we do need to maintain some decorum. We're a rather sophisticated bunch, don't you know? I haven't read Mrs. hefty's post. I don't venture out of here much any more.

But if the hellraising did some good, if you guys had an open and productive discussion afterward, well, I guess we can put up with it this once.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of our dear LTA member's H's OW actually POSED as a BS and posted with us! (Still unbelievable to me. <<shaking head>>) And I'm a l-i-t-t-l-e untrusting anyway these days.

Yikes, Run, it's like there's no limit to their deceptions. I'm so glad she was outed. I hope she had the decency to out herself but somehow I doubt it.
LostHeart - you sound good this morning. I was hoping you would. And don't be embarrassed about not reading that book. I've had it for a few years and still haven't opened it. Last night I went on a search for it after all the discussions about it and still haven't found it. Buried among piles of paperwork I'm sure.
UKgirl, so glad to hear your Mum is getting stronger. Such a worry. It's so hard dealing with the LTA but when it's compounded with a loved one's illness, our strength just gets zapped. (((UKgirl)))
Heftysmurf and wife - there is so much hurt between you and my heart goes out to you both. It sounds like HW is genuine in her remorse and this is the one of the most important requirements of R. As hard as it is, HS, try not to discourage your W while she sorts out her feelings. (This coming from someone who spent the first year ranting, crying and blaming my H for every fault in our M .)
We are all behind the two of you as you struggle through this early and painful stage.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:43 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls, Girls. Do I need to get the sarge on your tails? Hendrix is a really important book for those of us in this situation, even though affairs are barely addressed. (Hefty, you too). It is the single best book on relationships I've ever read. And I've read probably a hundred at this point. Not only does it explain much about how we got here, it gives you really concrete ways to change the dynamics of your relationships now. It even has the advantage of being well written (he had a ghost writer help him with it). My ADD husband never reads and he worked his way through this one in only a few days.

Hate to sound like a fanatic, since I know that tends to turn me off when it comes from others. But this book saved my mind and explained so much for me. I would not have made nearly the progress I have without it.

Lost, you do sound well this a.m. I'm glad. One thing that I found in myself that I am so grateful for is that the stronger I got, the calmer I got. Calmness is an invaluable asset. Being able to take a minute to think before reacting has changed my life.

Ladies, I am still willing to help with the book. Let me know what I can do.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, do you think its impt for both of us to be working on this issue at the same time, like you and H did?
We also did it in IC too. I think at some point you have to come together in understanding of these dynamics and be able to talk openly about them.

And I'm with BT. Hendix's book is a MUST! It's the only thing that opened me up to doing this work in MC and IC.

Nas, now you got me thinking about the bookcover. I was picturing all the Hollywood avatars(Linda Hamilton; Susan Sarandon; Jen Garner etc) wearing green berets and designer hangbags and shoes standing in front of our Nordic lodge by the sea.
Dont think so!
Love it Lost!!! There is also the pitbull wearing lipstick too.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm getting close to the 2 yr antiversary...2 more years of my life wasted. how could my husband be such a monster and i put up with his crap? i know the answer, i wanted a "stable" home life for our family but i think why did he want such a chaotic life?!
this current thread is striking such a chord with me in that my husband had become his father. pre marriage and during we've discussed how awful FIL has been over the years, so why would husband recreate it? he knew the pain...omg it's so sick!!
oh wise ones please..i feel there is no hope. i can't go thru this again and again.



Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - just checking in to say "I read it" (do I get a gold star sticker next to my name? ). It was fabulous. Even more important, my H loves it and has literally underlined or highlighted every damn sentence!

I am currently bookless and would love to read something else that is centered on relationships and not necessarily about affairs....any suggestions?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or how about the cover just has a green beret on the front? Simple, yet says so much, eh???

ROBT, did you and H do it together, or did you each follow you own path towards that goal?

Lost, are you referring to FOO issues? Because we haven't even touched THAT yet. I mean, MC talked with H a little about his (only because we had seen him years ago about this very issue) and so he knows they're there and what they PROBABLY are, but I've never talked with him (MC) about mine. There isn't enough time in a session! Mine was not your Leave It to Beaver Family. Yes, I know...I need to do that. But like you, Lost--"I don't have issues with that! That's history."

Hefty, it's all good. I'm sure in TIME if your wife puts the effort into it, posting here in LTA would be beneficial. But truly, I don't think she's in the right mindset for us yet. I did read a couple other posts from her out there, and at the risk of making her mad, I think she may have issues with anger she might want to address in IC. I can't remember if you said she went to IC. I know you two were in MC, but a wayward should really look into IC--especially if there is anger involved. In the book I'm reading, if you don't resolve the anger issues and learn to have conflict productively, you WILL be here again, hefty. It's just a matter of time.

Just sayin'.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((up2me)))))))))))))

Sending the tightest squeezes for you. Take care of you. Get good with yourself and if your H doesn't work on his issues, you'll be ok. But you're not going to be ok if you don't fix yourself. You're really all you've got, hon.

shirley, I'm reading an AWESOME book right now called "Intimacy After Infidelity" by Soloman and Teagno. It actually addresses the "Whys" and the types of infidelity. I'm almost finished and was going to wait to recommend it until I was done--but it's a good one.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smurf,

Sorry for the ping pong. I should not have posted in response I am sorry tribe. [/quote

Not to worry....it was a one-off and if it did some good for you two, it was a good thing.


We have an oh so long road.

It is a "long" road, smurf...for both of you. This LTA stuff cuts to the bone.

It can be said a dozen different ways but it all comes back to the same point.....
Long Term Affairs require a Long Term Commitment to Heal and Recover.....from BOTH parties.

Hugs to all.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 10:34 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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