[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:38 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
I wonder from you unfortunate veterans how long you dealt with any of this?
I am going to wait a bit longer but any new hurts and anger towards me are deal breakers.
Our MC climbed all over my ass for being so invested in the relationships here at SI and felt I was using SI as surrogate therapy! Also felt I was in dialog here when I should be in dialog with H!Also felt that I was keeping the A and infidelity alive in my M by being here versus moving on.
This is the shit that drives me crazy....and IMO...actually perpetuates the misery AND retards progress for you, the BS.
No..they really don't get it. Unless, they too have been through this, it is cookie-cut into just "an affair" situation to be dealt with.
If a client is telling you that they are still stuck and doesn't know why....and then tells you that they are getting relief and, wonder of wonders, actual insights about their feelings from another source...a source that is "hands-on", in-vitro..why would any professional denigrate that??
We could be cynical here and wonder if ego is fueling that bias...or concern for losing regular income?
Or is it more a matter of professional arrogance...??
How long have alternative therapies been around for medical and psychological problems...and were poo-pooed by the medical system. Yet NOW, doctors routinely suggest alternative methods as adjuncts. Why....what made them finally get their collective heads out of their asses?
Could it be that someone close to them or maybe even themselves, got relief from something other than the official methods?
Cowgirl, I can understand how you must be somewhat flattened at seeing her myopia about this.
I saw it with every therapist we had with regard to the true nature of damage to the BS of a LTA.
Zanny.....Hugs and Prayers and streaming White Light....
Also, I dont understand how a C can tell someone to give up SI. This has been a great source of comfort and understanding. I can say so much here that I wouldnt say to anyone else. Thank you for being here.
Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
SO, So true and PERFECTLY said....!!!!!!!!
[This message edited by numb and scared at 10:02 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
I'm so sorry, hon. I was gone all day yesterday and just saw this.
We are all here for you, gently holding you up and holding your hand. I hope you know just how much you mean to the LTA tribe, and if there is anything we can do, we'll do it.
OTC - I agree that most MCs and most ICs have very little or no experience in this realm. We are lucky enough to have one who has seen these types of situations and she definitely appreciates the gravity of the situation. She has not issue at all with SI, matter of fact thought is was great that I had found a support group. Much better than telling a bunch of our friends who 1) wouldn't understand at all 2) would probably give me a bunch of bad advice having never been through this and 3) would potentially mess up any attempts at R by taking sided, etc. I am glad that you AND your H stood your ground. Hope she understands enough to back off on this in the future.
Welcome to more newbies. I am sorry you have found yourself a member of our club. I will repeat what others have said. Am just now 5 months out and would never have made it this far without the support and advice I found here.
Sorry I haven't been around the last few days. Came down with the worst cold/flu I have had in years. Basically I thought I was going to lose a lung to all the coughing. I sound like a two pack a day smoker with the hoarse voice and gravely cough. But at least today I am able to function.
Hugs to all...
Welcome heftysmurf. I'm so sorry you are here and dealing with a foggy WS. There used to be a few other men dealing with LTA's here, and I hope they can come back to help you.
Zolotas- good to hear from you!
LH- Have you heard when your job starts yet?
I can bet that many of our C's not only never personally experienced a LTA but never experienced one professionally. Most LTA victims I would bet head for the divorce attorneys not the C's. We are in the minority I would suspect and that is why it is so important to me that we are here offering and receiving support from one another.
fnf, you are so right here.
They can't offer great support or advice when they don't have the experience in the situation. You all KNOW. You KNOW! I don't have to explain to you how or what I'm feeling. I don't have to justify why, after 19 months, I'm just not free of this. You already know.
Hefty--welcome. You are among friends. I can't echo enough the advice to take care of yourself. That was the one piece I got when I first came here that I never did do--and I truly believe I would be further along in my recovery if I had. I put my health/needs on the back burner to "fix" this, when it should have been the other way around.
As far as your W staying out all night--you need to declare your boundaries on this. Not exceptable. And as soon as you make that clear, you will start to get your answers about whether or not she is serious about reconciling with you. It's called the 180, and you can read about it in the Healing Library (little yellow box-upper left). Unless and until she knows what she can and cannot get away with anymore, you will continue to deal with this kind of behavior. Just like with a child.
Weepy??? Where are you, hon? What's going on?
In light of recent events, I just want to tell you all that I love you and I appreciate every single thing each of you brings to our group. You are my lifeline. I am forever grateful.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
OTC - I too don't understand what MC wants you to do.
Most of us are struggling with this beast alone without support.
Since we are in R I have not talked to my family or friends about this mess my life has become. We agreed not to go "public" for the kids sake while we try to work through this. Without this forum to come to for advice and support I would still be deep down in that hole I was thrown into. I know my IC does not understand the feelings I have and my WS also cannot. Doesn't mean we don't talk about them (occasionally). But he really cannot understand.
You all do and I thank you all for being here!!!
hefty - I know you have gotten great advice already and agree with the others when they say this is all one day at a time. It does get easier, but it takes alot of time and communication with your WS. She has to have remorse and this may come when she immerges more from her fog and sees the devastation she has created.
I am coming up on DDay anniversary and know I have made mistakes this year in R. While my WS has shown true remorse and made very positive steps in working towards us reconnecting, he doesn't understand NC and what it means. He also feels remorse and guilt for what he feels he has done to OW and stills needs to "check in" to see that she is ok. I don't know if he initiates contact or just her, but I know he has broke NC. I have let him get away with this. Maybe out of fear, maybe because I know through snooping and don't want to reveal my sources. He says they are now NC. I just don't know how I will know if they really are or if he has gone underground.
Weepy - My husband knows when I "discover" something because I cannot hide my feelings from him. (not the compartmentalizer he was) But I have never revealed my sources. Usually end up talking about how I "feel" like something is going on. Or course I look like the paranoid one, but I know if I confront him with what I found snooping, he will plug that hole. I believe I need a way to check up on him until I have the truth. Wait and watch!!
Ditti, run.. "Big" Ditto....
And thanks for being "hands-on" for Zanny. You and cowgirl...
Itís important that you take some medical advice. I stayed away from ADís, but that was my choice. I did have the STD tests though. My GP gave me advice re counselling and a booklet about grief and what to watch for. What you are experiencing is grief Ė the loss of what you had, what you thought you had, the loss of self and where you belong, the loss of the person you loved. No one here is going to minimise your emotions b/c we know what you are going through. SI has given me support and enabled me to move on at a faster rate than I would have done otherwise Ė even with the support of some wonderful friends and our MC.
I wrote a lot to my H, it helped to get my feelings across to him. Yes, he hates facing what he has done and the effect it has had on me and us, yes, sometimes Iíve made him hurt so badly he has cried (big 225 pound sports fanatic), but he needed to know. If you are not in IC/MC, I would strongly suggest you find someone experienced in dealing with couples and infidelity. He/she will guide you through this sorry mess.
OTC Ė I suggest professional jealousy. My IC/MC knows I come here, and she says while it helps me and us, thatís fine. As soon as it doesnít, or if we reach the point where I donít need to go over and over things then itís time to leave.
Zanny Ė still thinking of you. Take care.
Shirl Ė keep in recovery mode. The last thing any of us wants is to get sick, itís bad enough being sick in your heart.
Unable, I dont know when I start.They are busy doing their background checks etc. I assume Feb.Busy looking for afterschool care at the moment.
Weepy, stay strong and focused. Hope you are ok, our friend.
"In light of recent events, I just want to tell you all that I love you and I appreciate every single thing each of you brings to our group. You are my lifeline. I am forever grateful. "
Me too Run. Well said.
My sister and I were discussing our plans to meet whilst she is visitng this country, and I told her that I would be meeting up with a friend. On further questioning (because she knows all my friends IRL), I admitted that it was a friend I made here. She was so aghast and couldnt believe that I am still going on about the "incidents" (H's A's), and that by being here, in "this world of infidelity", I would never get over this.
She is the most enlightened liberal person in my family, and she just doesnt get it.
And it made me acutely aware, that apart from you guys here, how very alone I am in healing and recovering.
You all mean so much to me. Thank you.God bless.
All those years while he was having his A and I was giving him massage. All that luxuriating under my healing hands and he needed it b/c of his stress brought about by his A. How mad is that? He wanted to give up something else I can do that she has no clue about? Likewise the cordon bleu cookery. Fuckwit. She was just a useless shagpiece.
Her going out all night was unacceptable. On 11.30 we made a contract and she broke 4 of the items on their within a month. I was weak. I was ready to seperate and almost feel even with her new leaf I may still want it. I think I am one of the ones that does R for the kids or specifically my daughter. In many ways, no insult implied, I am like a mom. I work days she nights and I am responsible for the dinner clean up, snack times, baths, night time book, and putting her to bed. I have speant a total of one night away from my daughter since birth. Someting my WS cannot say.
It has only been 5 days of what I hope is a real R. Today was odd. I sent her a descriptive email to show what my mind movies are like and then flipped it and used her ex BF the OM wife and put me in it. Maybe to show my pain? I expected and got no response. I went home for lunch (at work now) and she made lunch was pleasant. I told her I love and hate her. I have really lost my connection with her last weekend when the poop hit the fan. The contact, the out all night the way she lied about the fact she called into work. She did some other nasty stuff in this two months that I think was worse in the A.
I am starting to doubt if I still love her and if I care if it works out. I feel like I will never trust her again and that now she appears to be doing everything right I still have a pain and a rage in me at my ENTIRE marriage being a lie.
She was so aghast and couldnt believe that I am still going on about the "incidents" (H's A's), and that by being here, in "this world of infidelity", I would never get over this.
She is the most enlightened liberal person in my family, and she just doesnt get it.
no mor from this group and I have met in real time.
I didn't even tell my family the first time we met because I didn't want the specualtion like you got.
I have simce told them and be damned with what they could or would say. It doesn't matter to me anymore.
But I will tell you that having a real face to speak to..and just picking up where the keyboard leaves off...is a much needed ointment for the soul.
Phone calls are wonderful too, but the actual physical presence makes it "real" in a way that fortifys you... knowing/seeing "here she sits"...and we speak exactly the same language.
And we both are still breathing and functioning...
Hope your meeting is just as fulfilling.
I hope that Z's sit is just a setback. My heart and prayers are with her.
Welecome to all of the newbies. This lta thing is difficult. Friends, other than the lta tribe just can't get it. Most therapists are clueless when it comes to the lta. We had one good therapist who worked with us on what marriage means. We moved and the other therapists were more harmful than helpful.
I was away for awhile and have not kept up with all that is going on. H and I were in Fl. together and we had a wonderful time. If you knew our sit before, this would have seemed impossible. Miracles do happen. I did alot of praying and I even called in to one of those all night religious shows. I told my story and everyone prayed for me. I blelieve in the power of prayer and the support of others who have gone through this.
Blessings to all.
[This message edited by no mor surprises at 9:34 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)]
Again, thank you all for being here even if I'm not posting, I'm reading. And to know there are others out there who understand makes me feel normal, something I haven't felt in a long time. Not normal in my life, but normal in that I'm not insane. KWIM?
Hefty: I've been reading your posts. I think you're being too hard on yourself. How can you possible sort out all of your emotions when your w has not been completely remorseful and forthcoming. 5 days is a good start but far from a commitment on her part. I agree with the others on the 180. So you fall off the 180 horse so to speak, get right back on until it takes. First, you'll start feeling more in control and secondly, your w might see that if she's not careful she just may lose her h.
You don't have to decide whether you can stay married to her right now or even if you still have love for her. The only thing you have to do is set the boudaries and stick to them.
My h was completely remorseful from day 1 and for the next 3 months I could hardly function. So it's important to follow the advice of others and take care of yourself, your needs. Find a way to release the rage, anger and sadness. Exercise, read, do whatever it takes to keep you thinking clearly.
I wish you well. Keep posting, we're all here for you.
((Zanny)) sending more hugs and prayers today.