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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs. So sorry you’re feeling like this. But be assured, it is normal. You have PTSD. You are out of the initial shock, you are still in one piece and now you are questioning your survival, your marriage and the man you are married to. You are standing amongst the debris and wondering how and why all this destruction happened. He has given you no reason for you to believe anything he says. I kept getting whacked with revelations on a regular basis, (mine’s truth trickle, not the same as you have had) so five months after my DDay I had all his explicit love poetry about her to read (fingers down throat) and deal with. I started getting angry and seriously questioning my marriage after last Christmas – guess what? That’s six mths after the last “revelation”. You have questions? Ask them. Are you angry? Be angry. If the sex has changed between DDay and now, it could be related to your natural apprehension and lack of belief in him. And don’t feel you have to say “I love you” back if you feel it’s forced. When he says “I love you”, just say “thank you” and let him hold you.

Gotta get ready for MC. Mum’s still in cardiac IC, but has come round and Dad is with her. Thanks to everyone and your prayers and support. Love you all. (((((LTA tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 yrs, perfectly understandable reactions, feelings. I would wonder all kinds of things... was he with her instead of Christmas shopping was one. The first Christmas after Dday he took me with him, this year he called me 22 times, telling me when he was leaving one store and going to another, talking about his purchases, etc.

Ask him if you wonder. I can guarantee the answer won't help either way. If he did, it will hurt like hell, if he says no, you'll wonder if he did and doesn't want to hurt you. That's why I stopped asking questions.

As for I love you. He noticed that I didn't say it back a lot of the time. And he would press me sometimes for a response. When I couldn't tell him that I would just say "I'm working on it" or "Do you?" I also told him that I was having trouble sorting that out and I would say it only when I could really mean it. He said that was ok. My H was willing to take all the punishment I dished out as long as I didn't ask him about "then".


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies,
UKgirl, prayers are w/ you and your Mum.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May not get back here until tomorrow, but needed to get something off my chest and you guys (lucky you) are getting the brunt of it...

I hate tax time. It signals to me that I can get rid of another year's bank, credit card, medical, etc. records. Part of the project I'm supposed to be working on while home is cleaning out our back storage room -- the one where all the boxes of records are.

So I'm shredding checks and they're ones from "those years". I see the emergency room checks when he was sick and the hospital checks when I had a flare up of my gall bladder. And all I can think is why did I care? Why did he pretend to care? Washe with her while I was laid up? Checks to the school for the kids' soccer physicals... did he even know they played? He was so disconnected from us. Checks to the camps I sent them to... away, overnight camps to try and spend some quality time with H... wasted money, weeks upon weeks without intimacy. Checks for Christmas gifts that I worked and worried about and he didn't even care about us at all.

I texted him. Told him I needed some TLC when he got home that I was triggering over shredding the stuff from those years. He told me to stop, he'd take care of it. To go have a glass of wine, not to worry about dinner, that he'd take me out if I wanted (yeah with these swollen eyes and red nose). He's doing good. Didn't call it stupid or anything.

Maybe once all those years are shredded and I don't have to look at stuff from then, I can relax. I keep thinking I'm going to run into something that I don't want to see any more. Something that will say HERE, HERE's where you could have picked up on it if you weren't such a stupid cow.

I don't think I've said this for a while...

I hate this.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2years, firstly I am sorry I didnt get to respond to you earlier.I was in "the bad place" , and wouldnt have been much help.

Secondly, get this out of your head:THEY WERE NOT SOULMATES.
Sure they fed off each other and ate up each others souls, but they were not soulmates, as you and I and the rest of the world know the term as.Please get that!

Thirdly, you say R has been going well. What have you guys been doing? More specifically, what have you NOT been doing?
For me, the first few months were a blur. I was a talking zombie, but H was so sweet and nice, and since I had nevr seen that side of him, in oh so so long, I just wanted to stay on his sunny side all the time. So I swallowed my pain, and allowed his blameshifting to wash through me, not putting up much of a fight, because I didnt want to rock the boat. So on the outside, it looked like R was going fine. In fact, I even posted on SI what a wonderful FWH I had, and how hard he was trying, and how grateful I was for this second chance.
Boy did that come back to bite me!
What I am trying to say 2 years, is that have you been trying NOT to rock the boat, and thus letting all your feelings gather up?

You have heard of the rollercoaster right? When we are on that high, it feels like everything is right with the world, that this family is going to be A-ok! But when we went slide down to the lows, it can be a dark and lonely place, and simple things feel so overwhelming. The thing to do is to hold tight, try to think of the positives, and if you need to get the toxins out, then do so. Otherwise, you will end up poisoned.

5 months out is still very fresh 2Y.And you will go through the many phases you would have read up on in the library a few times over.
Dont put yourself under pressure. You have had alot to assimilate over the last few months.Just the fact that you only recently discovered that you had a few ddays, must have been heartrending. You must be feeling so many mixed emotions.

It will get better, if not, easier to deal with in time, but not for a long time. Do you know what I noticed here? If you have a S who is 100% remorseful, working hard at R, willing to put you first above all else, willing to do what it takes...man the battle is half won!
If anything, tell him that. Intoduce him to SI WF if you havent already. Even if he doesnt want to post, just reading there from WS and FWS, will help open his eyes to so much.

And regarding the ILYs. Ukgirl had a good suggestion of saying, "Thank you" and letting him hold you. Dont say it just to say it. So when the day comes when you do say it, it will mean so much. I know they (WS) have it dripping from their mouth, so who knows when they mean it. Mine said it to his 2OW but said he may have meant it at the time, but not now. Riiigghht.
I digress...
So dont say it if you dont want to. Dont do anything you dont want to. Heck, dont vacuum either!

Hang in there 2Y.Its a long bumpy road, but from what I hear from the Oldies here ( )its worth it.

Take care.

((((2Y)))

And Zanny, you are still in my thoughts.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, my turn.

Tribe, I had a bad day today.Ended with a meltdown, told H to leave.

To be honest, it has been building up over the last few weeks. Something hasnt been right with him, and I did post here. He said he was depressed etc.and for some reason that was making me incredibly angry. If you know me, you would know that I am quite empathetic (to my detriment),and I couldnt understand why I wasnt with him.

Last Mon, after an argument, he told me that he wanted to install a keylogger on my laptop. First I laughed it off, when I saw he was serious, I asked why, did he think I was doing something dodgy, to which he replied "Who knows?"
Where the heck did that come from?
So using his tactic, I said I will let him know in 3 weeks, hoping by then I would find out whats going on with him. He replied that I was buying time so i could delete anything dodgy. I actually giggled, because the idea was so stupid, but told him he could check it right then. He didnt.

So for the past 1.weeks, he has been working from home, as there was some company dispute with the client. He has been so grumpy and snappy with us. He said he was depressed and his life was a mess etc. But he was also v angry and aggressive. I suggested IC, antideps etc. Nope.

So yesterday he went to work, and comes home on top form. Smiling, laughing etc.
This morning, I check his work mails with him, and find this name I havent seen before. He said that he hardly had interactions with her, so thats why he didnt mention her. So after questioning and him giving me answers with attitude, it went from "we only met at large meetings, and I have never spoken to her" to after seeing a meeting with 3 of them, "we did meet a few times and talked work only but there was always someone else there". I didnt have the energy to go through all the mails and calendars to check further. I was just so angry and upset.
He did nothing to console me, and was in fact angry, saying that if I didnt trust him by now, then we might as well call it quits.
After a crying session, I went to him with "feeling"statements like "I feel upset and anxious. I feel that you will make unhealthy choices because you need this validation from other women. I am sad that what we (kids and I) give you, has never and is never enough for you"
And he blew up.
And it went downhill from there.

Later on I checked his keylogger, and 2 days after he asked to put in a keylogger on mine, his keylogger stopped recording. I dont check that that often anymore, or esle I would have picked it upsooner.

He denies changing anything.
We had a massive argument with my BIL as witness.My BIL asked him outright if he had someone else which he denied. BIl adviced we stay away from each other until we each cooled down.

I told him that if he was interested in someone, thengo. I wouldnt fight him on anything. I just dont want to live a life of lies anymore.

I figured out what was upsetting me about himbeing depressed. He used to behave the same way thoughout the M,more esp during LTA2. I kept trying at the time to help him, never realising what he was doing to us in the meantime.
And him being depressed this last week, reminded me so much of those times.

The thing is that he could be on the verge of making a bad choice, or already did so.
Then again, he could truly be despressed as well.

I dont have concrete proof either way. And I dont know how to handle this.
All I know is that I cant count on him to protect me or the kids. I cant count on him to put us first. I cant count on him to do the right thing.
Am I being unfair?
He says yes. He says he has made many changes in the past year and has proven trustworthy. Yes he has maintained NC, I will give him that.. But that alone doesnt prove his character. He has on many occassions (and you guys are my witnesses) only thought of himself and his needs.

The thought of spending the rest of my life like this, always worrying, always checking, always wondering what I missed.

I know its a quiet day here and the chances of anyone being around are slim.But if you are, spare me a second. Since God and I are on polite curt terms, could you ask Him to please guide me? Please. Thank you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodnight all.
Stay safe.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((Lost Heart))

I'm sorry things are rough. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Brooke


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Lost Heart)))))

Thinking of you tonight, sweetie. Take care of yourself, okay?


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart, I am so sorry for what has happened. With his history, of course you are NOT being unfair. Your coversation went from I dont know her to Ive seen her at meetings to we met a couple of times.
Huge red flag. Sounds like he is in a fog again. Let us know what your next step will be and take care.


OH yeah, i used the "soulmate" w/ tongue in cheek. I know the soulmate term is a bunch of Bull and it reminds me of teenagers in goofy love. I think u might be right, I dont want to rock the boat. But he has been trying really hard, and if I do bring something up, he will respond. Of course I keep my guard up, cuz I dont know how much of it is true.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,
I'm new to post but a longtime reader here, and i already know enough about you to know there's no way you could ever be unfair.
You've earned every one of your stripes. Thinking of you tonight.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he was depressed etc.and for some reason that was making me incredibly angry

I understand LH. H did the same thing here too. Urged him to get a hobby or something to brighten his mood. Little did I know....

I have only a brief moment here. H came home with a beautiful card and candle. Big hug, no rush for dinner, just held me on the couch and talked.

And 2yrs, he kept saying over and over "I love you". My response was "I know."

He knew why I was upset, figured out a way to help me from being involved in something that would upset me and then was gentle with me because I was sad about those years. I have to give him an A on this one.

LH, I hope he's not going through the same angry phase as mine did. Feeling trapped, confined, watched.

What helped me was going 180 and focusing on me. Focusing on the fact that I can't control him, trusting is another issue. But whatever, I'll be fine and so will you.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I have class in 20 mins, but I wanted to tell you to trust yourself. Trust what your ears and eyes tell you. Believe in that good brain of yours.

I'll be back and try to write something more meaningful in about three hours.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy- wow- your H seemed to actually get it today. I'm so glad he didn't diminish your feelings or brush them off. I hope you are doing better now.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart --

Have to jump in here and agree with Borrow Trouble. Trust yourself. Trust your gut.

You asked for God's guidance. Find your quiet spot and listen. The answers to the questions you have are there -- inside you.

((((((((LostHeart)))))))))

Standing beside you my friend.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang, I've had a bad busy day today. I come on and try to catch up but only had time to scan, there was just too much.

(((((Lost Heart))))) Shit!!!! Hate that you're having such a bad time. What can I do??? I'm not an advise giver, but I'm a listener. Sorry I wasn't around today. This was my busiest day of the month at work, then came home and was busy. Can I come over to your house and straighten your H out for you? After I get through me and you will go take a leisurely day around London Town. I would love that. I'm sorry I'm just not sure what to say. I'll check in with you as soon as I get up in the morning. "See" ya around 5:00 or 5:30. And me and God have been on great terms lately, I'll be sure to have a little talk with him about you, but you make sure you talk with him also.
(((((((((((((((Lost Heart))))))))))


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will you be my Valentine, numb?

Absolutely, run.

We'll go to a spa and spend the day getting pampered...like the goddesses we are.

((((Lost Heart)))))

Oh friend...as BT said....trust in "you" right now.
It is SOOOOOOOO hard to find that space of "trust"....so hard to let go of the "what ifs".....especially when something doesn't look/feel right.
And so hard to tamp down that anger when their defense is "But look at all the changes I have made."

They bail out on life as a normal H and father..and then, when it is "do or die", they do begin to do "normal" things..things like any H or dad should be doing all along....and expect awards of excellence for them.
The unfairness of it is instant fodder for anger.

Lost, let some time pass. Do your homework if you are unsure of his reply.
Talk it out here....you have shoulders and ears that get it and care.

And yes....LTA cheaters are validation junkies....all of them.

Still looking at that full moon......

Zanny.....Sending Light and calm.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 9:51 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Lost))))) I'm with the rest of the tribe - listen to your gut. Listen to what your higher self is saying. We all have that incredibly wise part of ourselves but we need to be really still to hear it's voice. We have all watched you get stronger and stronger over the months. You are a bright, caring and STRONG woman. You will find your way in this hon. Just be still and listen. ((((Lost)))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

It would seriously bother me that he lied about his interactions with this woman. That would be the biggest red flag to me.

I think perhaps your H is like mine and believes that he simply has not done anything wrong in this instance. And technically, at this point, that is probably true (with the exception of the lie to you.) I think the idea of a slippery slope is just not understandable to them. They don't see how one thing leads to another to another.

I had a similar thing with my H about 18 months into reconciliation. We were at a Christmas party and this unbelievable vain, flirty girl that works with him came bustling up to me to tell me how great H was and that he buys her and her office mate these special cookies that they all love.

If there would have been a few less people around I would have stabbed him with a fucking plastic fork right then and there.

At that point I had the same reaction you did -- that this could be the start of something really bad all over again and I wasn't going to go through this for the rest of my life.

What we did was write up a set of boundaries for us both to govern behavior around people of the opposite sex. I mean very specific dos and don'ts. He actually wrote them, and they were so incredibly strict I actually lightened them up some. But we both agreed to abide by them.

At least it gave us a standard to judge our behavior against. Perhaps something like that would help you two, if you have not decisively called it quits.

Whatever you think at this point, we will back you all the way. I know you must be feeling really lousy about everything just now. I want you to remember that this crap didn't start with you, it started with him and the really heinous shit that he's pulled for all these years. He's got a nasty tongue and a viscious streak, as you have documented here so often. So don't turn this around to be your fault or let him do the same. These issues are primarily his, not yours.

You may be reacting badly, but if he didn't pull such stupid shit to begin with, you wouldn't have much to react to now would you?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One other thing that struck me was the keystroke logger thing. I just have to wonder if that wasn't his subconscious trying to get you to check up on him. To save him from himself.

Or perhaps it was just projection -- him fearing that you were going to in fact do what he was actually wanting to do, ie cheat or at least flirt.

I think its bizarre and certainly means something important, I am just not sure what it is.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
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