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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA – enjoy your bracelet (was it the one you wanted?) and enjoy the rest of your day.

Zolotas, don’t blame you for not being there to looks after his family. The business trip will be miles better and miles away from the! These days, if I don’t want to do something or see someone or go somewhere, I just say NO. I don’t do accommodating anymore.

LostH – Hey, your H’s family must be the same ones as mine!! I remembered his brother’s family and bought presents etc. I had my fourth child and all horrid cheap and nasty presents from them stopped. I kind of didn’t mind, but my H reaction was just the same as your H. The years I’ve put up with his brother and family ripping into us ALL (including my H) due to some unjustified jealousy. She called me “Mrs Goody-Two-Shoes” and her favourite phrase was “It’s alright for YOU”, whatever that meant. So now? Don’t talk to them. His family, not mine. Good job they’re hundreds of miles away. I love his parents though. They are not impressed with either of their sons and seem perplexed by it all. His Dad’s b’day was last Sunday. He forgot, even though I had reminded him, and sent him an ecard. Hmmm. BTW, I’m waiting on my Mum’s heart op to see if I can make it lastminute.com to the CG gig in Feb.

How else have I changed? I no longer try to do everything or be a perfect bloody Stepford Wife, I’m one f*cking angry woman a lot of the time. I think I went slightly mad. In fact, I think I was hanging by a thread for over a year. Three days after DDay, H went to work (v worried about me) and, to keep me occupied, I took #4 son shopping for his new uniform to start senior school. I drove like a lunatic across the moors at 100mph until the adrenalin made me see spots in front of my eyes. And I still do it from time to time, but only when it’s just me in the car. There are only sheep and a few scrubby bushes up there. And I know exactly how long it takes to get to OW’s house. It’s surprising how everyone gets out of the way when you are going at 100+mph down the motorway with full beam on. A bit of me wanted to get pulled over just so I could scream at someone. Still drive like a woman possessed, can’t seem to slow down.

I’m trying to get back the essential “me” he robbed me of.

Oh, LostSuol. For goodness sake, what’s the matter with him? No Contact is called that b/c it means NO CONTACT. Which bit “no contact” doesn’t he understand? I’m with the others, red flag time. Don’t let it go.

Weepy – My H never kept OW’s numbers in his phone. He just hit the reply button. But when I said I wanted to send her a text that said “F*ck off and leave us alone”, he knew the number off by heart. As I do even now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday Snaggletooth kiss my asssss and I still look better than your sorry skanky asssssss
Happy Birthday to meeeeeee

O.K. carry on ladies


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Zolotas
♀ Member
Member # 15271
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YIKES!!!! I am at work and it didn't start out good!! Slut Monkey followed me to my office - For 21 miles I couldn't get rid of her.

I'll check in later - sorry, just freaking here a bit!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: On my chair
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slut Monkey followed me to my office - For 21 miles I couldn't get rid of her.
WHAT????


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA Happy b-day :-)

Everyone is right. I am being too hard. I just wish smurfette would step up and help me. I am still inside a mess and oh so hurt. I do not cry for fun or to make her feel bad. I cry becuase I am hurt. The crying is about me and my pain. I could instantly cry right now if I think about the affair deeply.

I keep telling myself patience. She can do what I need to heal. She loves me and I believe in her!


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,

Happy, happy birthday to you

UKgirl,

I too used to be the stepford wife and am no mor. I also used to never turn him down for sex, now I do on occasions where I am too tired or preoccupied. I don't do it often but I no longer see it as my obligation to always to be at his beck and call.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, thank you but I know Brooke is just trying to build me up. I threatened FSA that one of these fine days, I am going to go a bit loopy and post my pic. For 5 minutes!
Hey dont knock weetbix! That with a handful of bran is my staple breakfast diet, you know!

Zolotas, are you ok?
I cant believe she followed you.

Ukgirl, I am also trying for the CG do.
I think we all went a bit mad after dday..and some of us (cough cough)still are there. But please be careful with driving. I also love driving a bit fast with the music blasting so loud it knocks all the thoughts out of your head (not that we can do that much in London), but its easy to get distracted, and one wrong move...
Ok done preaching.

Fnf, where are you? Are you ok, friend?

FSA, the bracelet sounds beautiful! May it share you many many happy memories with you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA - HAPPY “21ST” BIRTHDAY!!!!

In my book, anything heartfelt is a wonderful gift and his sounds like it is.

Okay, Tribe you are going to have to slow down. I just spent 1.5 hours reading the 8 Pages (!!!!) you have posted in the last couple of days as I was trying to shake this darned disease! I will try to post what I can to what I have missed so might be long.

I try to think of it the way our first MC said it--it's different after the entire thing comes crashing down and the two lives he led aren't compartmentalized anymore, and as she said, the "narcissistic fantasy is now broken"--I think that was true of my H--the fantasy he knew all along was just a fantasy but was so irresistible to him was out in the open, and he says it did change his feelings somewhat--and he chose the reality of a R with me. He's still figuring out how to deal with his own issues which allowed him to choose to stay in it for so long.

25W – that is it exactly. Just to give you all some idea of the “fog”. My H’s last LTA ended in mid-2001. He did not confess until 8/07. What is amazing is that he was STILL in the fog about what he had done. He STILL had it all compartmentalized. He STILL could not see the women for what they were. It has taken months of IC and MC for him to finally understand that he was literally addicted to a fantasy. He was addicted to the false adoration of the A. He was addicted to the false self-esteem boost but didn’t understand why he was getting more and more depressed. And, he has just recently realized what skanks these women were. I think he honestly still thought they were “nice people” until I asked him what he would think of me if I came to him and told him I was fucking other men for years, getting pregnant, having abortions behind his back. It hit him like a ton of bricks what nasty, low-class whores these women were.

H has been in IC twice/week since he confessed and he is still working out the whys but some more insight. He admits that at some level he was trying to hurt me. H understands that his guilt was completely overwhelmed by his selfishness. He had essentially zero empathy for anyone elses situation – it was all about him. He was lying to everyone, including himself, about essentially everything in his life. He says now that when someone would ask him the innocent question that he would start answering it immediately and not know whether he was telling the truth or not. He punishment for all this: he was a “passenger” in life. He never really lived his life. He never felt any real emotion. He was bound and gagged inside the mask of himself.

Whew! Sorry to run on but I thought by sharing some of what we have discovered it would help others make sense of their situation. Also, as hopeful as I am – I am still waiting to see if this is just another mask.

Its come to the point that I have finally drawn a line in the sand and I won't allow his family to cross it again. I am done with them. Done trying to be a nice daughter inlaw, a nice sister inlaw...I'm just done. He can't seem to understand this and keeps trying to drag me back in.

Zolotas – my Hs family did everything in their power to undermine me our entire marriage. Well, guess what that earned them a free “get the fuck out of my life” card. I will not allow them to visit MY home. My H can go visit them if he pleases but the girls and I are NOT going with him. I have told him that if they want to bad mouth me I will not be there to hear it. For the first time, H is finally standing up to them and we are getting the same denial shit “I don’t know what you are talking about”, “You must have misunderstood”, blah, blah, blah….if I can’t hear them, it can’t affect me.

"IT" followed you for 20+ miles??!!!
WTF is that about?

lostsoul - I would be completely freaked out if my H did that. First of all, NC is NC there is any room for grey in this - it is completely a black and white issue. I say have him send another NC letter explaining how he messed up by having any contact with her at all, even work related, and then resume NC. Deleting them puts my radar on high alert. Finally, the hour of day is a HUGE red flag. Unless she is in Asia on business, there is no reason for a "business" call at that hour! As others have said, keep your eyes and ears open and go through his cell log while he is in the shower.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, forgot to welcome MIG and 2yrs. Sorry you have found yourself here but there is so much support and insight that be happy you found this place. (MIG you are right - this is like another IC session).

Mrs. Smurf, do go over to wayward and read there. You will learn much. One thing my H realized is that confessing was the best thing that happened to him. He is dealing with issues he has had his whole life that, left untreated, would have caused him to some degree to waste his whole life searching for something that could only be found inside himself. Get yourself into IC for YOU. And, please help take care of Mr Smurf - he deserves it.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he was a “passenger” in life. He never really lived his life. He never felt any real emotion. He was bound and gagged inside the mask of himself.

i hope i did that right!
anyway that's my husband too.

oh well this is why i don't post often

[This message edited by up2me at 12:30 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, while I am thread-hogging can I get some hugs-in-advance. H is going on his first week long business trip since dday and I am a nervous wreck about it. Not only are there all the triggers of his work-based As that I have to worry about (luckily the HOs are there); but also, I have become accustomed to having him around actually helping after 20+ years of not helping. His has been taking on quite a bit and I have enjoyed not having to be supermom. Just a word of warning if I am a mess next week.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ruthie
♀ Member
Member # 5476
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wish I was a woman. In many cases I think a WS man just goes "aw shucks, I lost my piece of ass, oh well, let me work on the marraige as she was the one I really loved anyways". For a woman it is "I lost my soulmate, my true love". Way stronger emmotional attachment. The thing is it is a house of cards and a total lie. No caring for kids, bills, diapers, anything. All fun.

Hefty, That is not always the case. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was the infatuation and that the infatuation had worn off soon after we were married, That OW was the love of his life, etc. Let me tell you It took almost a year for NC to stick, so that emotional bond musta been pretty damn strong.


What is amazing now though, is it has taken 3 years (2 years with NC) but he doesn't seem to have such fond memories anymore. Go figure


All that to say is I don't think we of the LTA tribe can really take for gospel anything our WS says for a good long time after NC has been maintained. On the otherhand if the story never changes....


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain-

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Ontario
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh man, how do you turn down sex when he only comes at you like once a month?

And then gets his widdle feelings hurt?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it can work both ways. I would only call mine a general rule of thumb. It sucks that you were dealt the same cards as me :-(

I give you credit in waiting a year for no contact. My spouse was so close to missing the boat after two months of violations i was almost done. She did enough for me to continue to try for R.

I think I am doing the biggest mestake. Not letting go. I just am so desperate for her to come around and understand what she has done. I think that is the start of true R and us both healing.

I will be patient and live my life right now and hope she sees the wonderful person I am and comes to me. Time is ticking!


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Ruthie
♀ Member
Member # 5476
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya!

I rarely come into this forum because it moves so darned fast and I have a hard time keeping up with what is going on. (I tried when we first moved here in Long Term Affairs I and the Sequel Long Term Affairs II but started to lose it after that, plus the fact that I’m usually reading at home in the evenings and one of my kids is usually sitting next to me... so...)

But....

I wanted to ask you all if you have encountered the following situation.

This past weekend H was hovering around and I couldn’t figure out why so my guard was up (an automatic response for me it seems). The kids were busy with their things so he took my hand and asked if we could go up to my room. I figured he wanted to talk and not be overheard. So we went.

Well we got up there and he said down on my bed and asked me to join him. Then he said he just wanted to spend some quiet time with me. No interruptions, no nothing just being together. So I got comfy with a pillow and curled up facing him. He reached over and just held my hand. And it was nice. It was quiet and pleasant.

Then he tells me he has missed that. And that he misses me. (We used to just sit together sometimes listening to the world go by or watching the kids but whatever the reason we would do it and sometimes spend an hour or so just sitting close and together)

So I lay there and just looked at him. I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean for almost 7 years I was marginalised for 5 of those years he was screwing around. So of course I wanted to say something like So? I’ve been here the whole time. But I didn’t

But really I don’t know what to think about this. And of course if I brought it up in MC I will be asked “How did you feel when you heard this?” and really I felt nothing.

Zip.

Nada

Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. I felt nothing.

I would have done anything to have heard that 3 years ago. I would have wanted to believe it so much. Now… nothing.

Do you guys think that this is a function of the fact that it was an LTA? Because it took so long for him to get out of the fog? Or combination of both?

Anyway I’m at work right now so I might not be able to get back here right away I will check in though as soon as I can


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain-

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Ontario
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ruthie - I totally understand your feelings. I would not know how to react. Sometimes you cannot help to feel nothing after being hurt so bad.

I would also LOVE my wife do do anything like that at all. Even if I did not feel a lot from it it would help at least a little.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. I felt nothing.

Hi Ruthie, I can totally relate to what you are feeling (or not feeling). My IC tells me this is my "protector self." We have been so deeply hurt by their LTA and for our own protection we have put up walls. Until we can feel safe, until there is some sense of belief in our M's security, we cannot allow ourselves to "feel" IMHO. Who wants to suffer this kind of pain ever again.
Having said this, I think it is wonderful that your H needed to reconnect in this way. I read this and found it so touching. So, yes, if you need to keep up some protective walls, do that but enjoy these moments. They are the moments that keep up fighting for our M.
(((Ruthie)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never really lived his life. He never felt any real emotion. He was bound and gagged inside the mask of himself
.

Shirley, we had the same breakthrough with H when we went to MC last year. He admitted to always (starting from when he was a child) being on the outside, always a passenger, never the driver. I wonder if they felt like that during the A as well, or did they feel a little more in control?

HeftyS, I dont think both the OW in our sitch thought that my H was really their soulmate. Both were very aware that he was their piece on the side, not for sex, but for the attention and the romance.Sex was their currency.

Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. I felt nothing

Ruthie, I read your profile, and jeez, it made my heart ache for you. I cant see how you could respond to what he said, any different to how you did. He has systematically destroyed the love in your heart. IMHO, you have built a wall around it now (to protect you), and that wall seems impervious to his words.

up2me...dont let the stupid quotey thingy stop you from joining in. Come on!

(((hurtshirley)))In advance.

Isnt it just so darn nice not being the Stepford wife anymore?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then he tells me he has missed that. And that he misses me. (We used to just sit together sometimes listening to the world go by or watching the kids but whatever the reason we would do it and sometimes spend an hour or so just sitting close and together)

So I lay there and just looked at him. I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean for almost 7 years I was marginalised for 5 of those years he was screwing around. So of course I wanted to say something like So? I’ve been here the whole time. But I didn’t

Ruthie and all,

This is yet another facet of post LTA-world that is so damn difficult.
Once they get their heads out of their asses, and start feeling these Ah,Ha moments....does it, would it... ever occur to them that "Geez, how will she take this little pearl of verbal intimacy, when I denied her (us) moments like this for so long. Had them offered to me but either declined or never even responded...while I so was busy pretending to be someone else."

Do they ever think of that...and how much restraint we must use not to look in their eyes and say the obvious..."You say you missed what you willingly chose not to cherish...??"
"Tell me, how does that work...??"

There had better be a special place in heaven for BS who take on Recon with a LTA cheater.

It's like having to be patient with a clueless, self-centered toddler at times.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 2:22 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H did something like that 2 months ago and how did I react? I cried at first where he couldn't see me. When I got home, I put up that plexiglass shield so I could watch and see if it was real and not react if it wasn't. I was scared to death to feel anything because I didn't want to grieve what was lost in front of him.

That's what I feel when we hav these moments, loss. What could have been, what could be, but never will. Grief over the death of a love affair. I guess I'm still in the fog about the relationship with my own husband.

z - ???? WTF?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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