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User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Say hi to my WS as she has been checking my posts here.

So lost - I feel your pain so badly. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could hug you right now.

I admire you all for the strength and encouragement you have shown me. Thanks LTA Tribe!

This affair BS hurts soo bad. On d-day what really hurt me was the lies and the physical affair. I actually did not care about the emmotional attachment. After d-day the emmotional attachment generated a ton of new hurts. Her contacting him asking how he felt, emails saying she loved him and didn't want me, and her actions going out etc. It was a whole new world of hurt. This went on till 1/5. Super fog!

At one point on the infamous why question she said "because it made me happy". That scares the hell out of me. Are my wifes thoughts so simple that anything that is "fun" and spur of the moment require no additional thinking about what it will do to the one's that love her? I feel at points she was ready to sacrifice mine and our daughters happiness for her own. WOW!

We have been together a long time and will not lie. On a couple of occasions I was tempted and could have cheated. I looked at my ring and thought of my daughter and her and stopped dead in my tracks. I understood how much this would hurt them and ruin everything. I could never do it to somebody I love.

This brings me to remorse. I believe if a WS spouse can do an LTA and than after discovery not really try to make a mends and realize the total pain and destruction it causes to the BS and family what would ever prevent it from happening again? The other night I cried and cried and basically got "you are destroying my good day". WTF you destoyed my life. You broke my heart.

I wish I was a woman. In many cases I think a WS man just goes "aw shucks, I lost my piece of ass, oh well, let me work on the marraige as she was the one I really loved anyways". For a woman it is "I lost my soulmate, my true love". Way stronger emmotional attachment. The thing is it is a house of cards and a total lie. No caring for kids, bills, diapers, anything. All fun.

The affair while it is occuring has nothing to do with us. It is all them. After d-day a WS that is truely commited to R needs to realize NOW it is all us. You destoyed the one that loved you. Can you remember the look in their eyes on d-d-day? The pain and sorrow?Do you not want to fix us and show that you understand the pain and cry with us. Are they unable to have empathy? Another scary thought.

So Lost - Right now I feel as if our WS are not even putting us into a position to move on with them. They are not willing to share our pain. They are not willing to heal us. I would love our spouses to cry and when we ask why they said "Because of how bad I hurt you, I cannot believe I would hurt you, the one I love and loves me so badly, I wish I could take your pain and make it mine".

I am trying to be patient and seeing if IC and a bit more time will make her understand what she has really done and that it is so not OK to do things because they were "fun" for her when it hurts the one's that love her so much.

Will she "get it"? I do not know and everyday she does not we are moving farther and farther away from staying together. Does she understand what she is so close to losing? Their is a time limit and that clock is ticking.

I think true love involves carrying the person with you. My wife was always "with me" when I was away from her. I was not "with her" or she NEVER would have had the affair.

We are both beginning IC soon. We are nowhere near MC which we have gone to 6 or 7 times and brought nothing.

What I have come to realize is that we ourselves must move on. Think of us and our children. Be the best person we can be. This point is beyond hard because underneath the surface I could cry and cry for days. Choose yourself! They can come for the journey or sit their and lose us. I will NEVER go back to waht we had before. I want more. I want a real wife and life partner. Somebody who does not yell and mistreat me. Somebody who at all times and always thinks of me and my happiness.

Damn I LOVED HER SO MUCH! All the things I did for her through the years was because she was the only one I wanted and loved. I love her now but it is not the same at this point. She could earn it back. Show remorse and feel my pain! Up to her and her actions. We could have the most wonderful NEW life together and I feel as if she is letting it slip away.

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 7:31 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi LTA people,

I always feel bad when I come by here because I'm not sure I have anything useful to contribute. The board also moves so fast, I'm always about three days behind.

But I did want to stop by and say that I met LostHeart yesterday, and she's funny and articulate and loving and gorgeous (do not believe anything she says about need to lose weight--she's a stick).

It felt awful to be meeting someone so lovely because we were bonded by such a horrific topic, but at the same time I feel lucky to have met her. We talked and talked and talked (I was starting to worry that the cafe was going to ask us to vacate our table!). She's like a butterfly getting ready to emerge from the wreckage of this, and I hope very much that her H wakes up and sees that.

I'm sorry to see that there are new people on this thread, but welcome.

((LTAers))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1481 | Registered: Feb 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Mrs Heftysmurf. Id say take a look at the wayward posts for your help in finding a way out of this mess. Were all messed up here, but others knowing just what you are going through is a huge help. You are not alone. However bad your situation, someone on this site has been there. I really hope you get the support you need. It is early days for you both. Know what I said? Id give it a year. I told others Id give it a year so that I could call on their support when I needed it. My FWH? He just sits back and waits. He only talks to me and to our MC. He brushes off questions about him and us from his bf and his mum. Good days and bad days is what he generally says.

You can move into MC once Mrs HS has gone over everything in her IC. I hope you have found the right counsellor(s) to help you get onto the road to recovery. And please hefty, dont be so hard. Theres a long way to go before you can even think of moving on. Be patient. The first thing you have to do is get over the initial trauma and sense of disbelief. And that goes for both of you.

Hi Brooke, glad you had a good time!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well H did good!! I got a bracelet made of hearts with some tiny little diamonds. I had asked that he make it casual enough so that I could wear it daily to work. It's a little dressy, but I'll still wear it everyday. I wanted something to be able to look at and touch when the LTA kicks me in the gut. Something that I can look at and say his love is real. The A was not real (I mean it happened, but what they had was not real).

Today should not be one of my busy days. I might just blow off what my boss thinks and play on SI all day. Catch up later.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LTA hugs))) to all.

Suffering still today. Just can't seem to shake the "this may just have broken me, broken us, beyond repair."

You know how you see someone smile, and the smile doesn't reach their eyes, so you know it's insincere? Well, I think my H says the right things, but they never really reach his heart. They never flow from there, just his mouth. I don't know if it's residual A lying that is keeping me from hearing him or it's just not there.

Listening to him remain so calm and so detached while I was ranting yesterday, him "not caring" enough to hear the pain, just broke my heart all over again.

So, I get to IC tonight and hear how I need more meds if I'm going to continue to live in this hell. And yet that doesn't bother him either, whatever keeps Weepy on an even keel and off his back is OK by him.

SO, I make good soup and stromboli, so what? I spent hundreds of dollars in therapy to get myself to a place where I can see myself as a better person than a whore and in his reality, I'm just "different". No better, no worse. HE's just not fucking whores right now, so he's good.

I'm blowing off the gym today. Giving the muscles a rest. Going to drink my tea, read the paper and figure out the day from there.

Happy birthday FSA.

hefty, I know where you are. I told our MC a few weeks ago, that on the other side of this wall is a great life, but he appears happy right where we are. Why? Because he's never been to that other side like i was. Full of love and joy and security. He's never felt that, he was always on guard with me, with everyone and he refuses to work on us any further. No more changes, he's good.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday, FSA. Hope you get to spend it doing exactly what YOU want to do.

Mrs, Smurf,

Hello. I am sure reading here is difficult but hopefully you can see your guy's, reaction to the situation is not over the top or out of the norms.

I also encourage you to read in Wayward. There are good people there who have been, or are, just where you may feel you are.

It really is early days for you both in this.....it takes time to sort through all the immediate thoughts and gut reactions.

Communication is key, even if it goes awry at times...and it will at this early stage.

zolotas,
Good to see you.
Are you still in therapy?
His family's treatment of you is terrible and surely keeps wounds open.
But if he is truly passive/aggressive....his need for therapy may be the important issue here.

Brooke and LostHeart,
Glad to hear you too have experienced the pure relief of meeting someone face to face who understands it all. When no mor and I first met, neither one of us wanted to stop talking and leave the table..and we were getting those "looks" from the staff too....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, folks, he just realized he left his cell at home today....

What evil can I do?

Yeah, I know.

TTFN - Off to the bank.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to catch up again.

Zolotas, I say definately go for the Hilton. If his family can't treat you with respect, then by all means steer clear of them. Let them cook their own meals and clean up their own messes. Personally I hope they have to take their plates to some dark stairwell to eat. Mad, I'm just kind of mad at that one. I know it's easy for me to say to stay clear of them, I hope that you are able to do that. You deserve to be treated with respect.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday FSA!!!!

Feeling So Adored
Fantasticly Sweet Angel
Funny Sunny Apple of our eye

We love ya hon!
OTC

Glad to hear your H did right by you!!! How nice!!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday, FSA!!!

Zolatas, I too have had a horrible experience with my H's family. We spent many years while he sat back and said/did nothing when they said/did unbelievable things to me and our child. He was so emotionally void when we were around them that he actually would just "check out" and not even notice.

I used to have a pretty strong personality, so he just thought I would take care of myself. But when it comes to their family, it's just not that easy. Plus, I always wanted to know he gave a damn! You know?

I used to get so upset because there isn't one time that my family would get away with doing something like that to him. And they know it.

I finally reached a point where the straw broke the camel's back (OK, it wasn't a straw--more like a ton of bricks, but...) and I said "No more." Dr. Phil had a wonderful episode where he said that it is not a "right" for people to be in your life; it is a priviledge, and if they abuse that privilege, it's gone. Period. Relatives or not.

I've decided that I will no longer waste my time on toxic people. It's not like I won't give you a chance...but I refuse to continue to poison myself with people like that anymore.

What is sad is that after all of this, your H still doesn't seem to "get" it with regard to you/your feelings/his family. He needs to protect you and cherish you and keep you from harm. He needs to "plug in" purposely when around his family and watch for any bashes and step up!

I think it's easy to get reduced to what you've always been and do what you've always done, especially with regard to your family. But this is where all of the changes need to start taking effect. He needs to do what is not comfortable in order to grow.

Is he still in counseling? Because it looks like he may still have some things to work on.

Hi all. Say hi to my WS as she has been checking my posts here.

Hefty, could that be a good thing? It looks like she could be interested in your healing after all, otherwise she wouldn't bother. And reading here sure can't hurt. It displays the pain of what affairs do to spouses right out in plain sight for her.

((((((((((brooke and Lost)))))))))))

Lucky, lucky girls! I would have loved to meet you both!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zolotas,
Glad to hear you're no longer taking any more from that family from hell! I don't see this as bitterness (not sure if you were making the connection with this or not). Instead, I see it as self love and self worth! These people are beasts! Enough already! And if you're H is still wallowing in his dysfunction to the point where he can't see his FOO's incredible dysfunction and rudeness then it's time to hire an IC for him! Really Z, the day I'd let anyone insult me in my own home would be the day hell froze over. I don't care who it is. Out the door with ye! And don't let it hit you in the arse on your way out!

Hi Mrs. Smurf,
I'm sure it's hard to see the truth of the pain caused by infidelity here but until you can allow real feelings without distortion and fantasy to cloud your vision true healing cannot occur. And no matter where you go in life it will always follow you. It's better to remove the scales from your eyes with one who loves you, is real and will support you than to do it with someone who will cast you aside when you're no longer supporting the fantasy and trying to have a real life. What you have with Mr. Smurf is real. If you don't believe me take some time in Wayward. They too have walked the same path as you have and can hold a light on yours for you as you find your way. You have a good man who loves you and your family. If you think you want freedom to be with him the OM remember, freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose. "Nothing left" That's the part to remember. It's a stark reality to live with for the rest of your life. I wish the best for both of you.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday FSA.

Welcome new tribe members and lurkers. I don't post often... seems I don't have answers for anyone, just supportive hugs {{{LTA}}}... but I read daily. And I really appreciate the responses I've received when I do post.

The holiday season was actually a good one (H's gifts were from the heart and we celebrated NYE with friends-unlike the past 2 yrs) but also difficult in other ways and I had a meltdown the first week of January. Nightmares and little restorative sleep are the norm right now. Someone (sorry can't recall who so can't quote directly) said something about the reason for the nightmares is the suppression of feelings and "putting on the happy face" for everyone. The subconscious reacts in our sleep. I believe this is true, in my case at least. Trying to create new Christmas memories for my widowed s-i-l as well as myself (while triggering over thoughts of my own Christmas Past) while hosting newlyweds for 2 wks (love my new d-i-l) was more than my mind and body could handle.

Last week H went out of town on business and I visited my best friend from HS who lives 4 hrs away now. Reconnecting was great fun but I still had horrific nightmares. H joined me on Saturday and all seemed fine until his cell phone rang twice (15 min. apart) just before midnight. H answered the 2nd time (slept thru the first call) but missed the caller. Said it was someone he'd spoken to earlier in the day. In the morning I checked the call history and both calls were deleted. MAJOR TRIGGER as he hasn't done this for months. Scrolling down I found that he had called OW's current workplace (she works seasonally for him now) and her home earlier in the week. He hadn't mentioned these calls to me and I felt he broke NC. We'd agreed in the spring that another employee would contact OW if she was needed to work. When confronted, H said he thought nothing of it! He'd called to verify her evening availability when the subject came up during his business dinner. I guess my reaction woke him up and he apologized but I now feel like I'm back at JFO stage and our Dday anti-versary is less than a month away (Feb.7). Monday evg, to put it mildly, was Dday revisited (can't begin to describe my emotional outbreak/vent).

H is remorseful now but I'm feeling betrayed all over again that he doesn't get it... doesn't think about the effect of his actions beforehand... something so vital to my healing didn't faze him at all! I don't know how to express myself to him so it stays with him. Printing from the Healing Library hasn't done much in the past but maybe I need to re-visit the library and other self-help resources again...

Thanks for listening. You are all in my prayers.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is remorseful now but I'm feeling betrayed all over again that he doesn't get it... doesn't think about the effect of his actions beforehand... something so vital to my healing didn't faze him at all! I don't know how to express myself to him so it stays with him.
lostsoul, I hate that this has happened. But you could send him into our little Tribe here, maybe we could express this for you. What he did was a major major no no. It's very understandable that you triggered. Ground rules must be lain down and followed. This has to be a NC ground rule. NC for ANY reason. And no deleting calls for ANY reason. (((lostsoul)))

O.K. I've read so much this morning Im a little lost. Was it Z talking about what LTA has made of us. The new person since LTA. Me, I don't take much off of anybody anymore. Take for instance me playing on SI while at work. If my boss doesn't like it..... so what. If I dont clean or cook at home and family doesn't like it.... so what. If I casually meet someone and accidentally do something that offends them.... so what. My life if what is important to me. If someone doesn't like something about it, they can walk the other way. All the little things just don't matter much anymore.

Hi Mrs Smurf,
Just know that your H is in deep pain right now, and NEEDS you, all of you. He doesn't not need you to do ANYTHING but be supportive of him and his feelings. That means taking whatever he dishes out, b/c what he is dishing out is beyond his control. As a woman, kind of like PMS, you know that's what it is but you can't seem to control it, make any sense?. His pain is all consuming. At times it is unbearable, you just don't know what to do with it. At times you don't know how you will survive this day to live another one. And this is not an exageration, we all live this over and over again. I hope you also can find some help, maybe in Wayward. We are not against you, we are here to help anyone that we can. If we can help you help him, we will.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Still trying to zip in and out and stay caught up. This LTA Tribe has just grown and moves too fast for little ole me here lately.

Later
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((lostsoul))))) This is a huge breach of NC and being insensitive to it sends up a red flag. You have every right to be in melt down. I am so sorry this has happen. Is coming to an understanding enough? Or is it time to insist he does the work in IC and/or MC to gain understanding of the devastation and pain he has caused you? Where are you at now? Are you thinking he has started back up with OW again or is this truly a slip up? Let us know. (((((Lostsoul)))))) We all know how deep this cuts. We're all feeling with you.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally reached a point where the straw broke the camel's back (OK, it wasn't a straw--more like a ton of bricks, but...) and I said "No more." Dr. Phil had a wonderful episode where he said that it is not a "right" for people to be in your life; it is a priviledge, and if they abuse that privilege, it's gone. Period. Relatives or not.

I've decided that I will no longer waste my time on toxic people. It's not like I won't give you a chance...but I refuse to continue to poison myself with people like that anymore.

Run,

Not only do I relate and appreciate your wise words here....
It made me remember a piece I have had in my files for a long time....don't remember where it came from, but it fits here after what you wrote.

Life is a theater so invite your audiences carefully.
Not everyone is whole enough and healthy enough to have a FRONT ROW seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships and family!

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.

The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life.

Remember that FRONT ROW
seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.


Hugs to all, n&s

[This message edited by numb and scared at 10:15 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooke, you are too kind..and obviously shortsighted!
When mum gets back, we'll have to do it again. Ukgirl, get your butt down here!

LostS, something isnt sitting right with me, with the calls. I dont want to alarm you, but please be vigilant. Of course you triggered. You have made the groundrules.HE HAS to stick to them.(((LostS)))

Zolotas, re. the changes. Yes definitely!
I have become less tolerant of the "weeds" in my life. Like ROBT said, I have trimmed the toxic people from my life, and the ones I cant trim (like IL's and F)I just limit my involvement with them,and make them aware of when they have "crossed" me, something I would have let go before.

For eg.apart from my FIL, nobody else in his family remembers mine or the kids bdays, and when he passed away, it became even more apparent. I, on the other hand, would not only remember everyones' bdays, but buy them presents too.And I would keep reminding H to follow up with a call. Younger SIL would also send out reminders before everyones bday, except for mine and our kids. OKAY. And I never confronted her, even though it hurt alot. H never understood why.
After dday, I stopped. I let them go. And it was so darn freeing. Not only did I find I was less stressed, I was also less grieved by SIL's lack of consideration.

However in December, she reminded me (not H)about MIL's and niece's bdays...and then I commented that she had missed my youngest DD's in October.She was a little stunned that I had actually retorted, and then said that she never did remember any of them (she only has 5 nieces and nephews of which 3 are mine), and that I should email the dates to her. Riiight. At least I made my point. H was v upset with me for speaking to her like that, and felt that I was taking potshots at his family.

Him not defencding me to his family is such an OLD OLD topic, that I cant even remember when it began. He doesnt see the need to, I should fight my own battles; I take everything too seriously; they didnt mean it like that etc.

We have both cut down contact with his family after dday 2. I know what my reasons are, but am unsure what his are.

So Zolotas, book into a hotel, and only allow H one call a day. Let them wrestle it out, whilst you are chilled out! Good for you.

FSA, hope your day is going well.

(((SVS)))
I was thinking of you last night, and hope that you are finding your quiet place and looking after yourself.

Ditto to Zanny.

Weepy, use this anger. My IC told me that I shouldnt fight this anger, but use it to push me to the next place. Btw, what happened with that phone number you found (lady who works in the same centre as him in a charity shop?)?

Fnf, how are you dear friend?



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you numb. That was really nice. I'm keeping it too!

Lostsuol, be very careful. Saying things like, "I thought nothing of it" at this point? Uh-uh.<<shaking head>>

You know this, so there's no sense beating it into you. But also...the calls in the middle of the night??? And then he deletes them???

Be careful.

I'd keep my eyes WIDE open. Remember what gaslighting looks like.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart, nothing came of that number. It hasn't appeared again. I'm assuming it was a mis-dial. Looks like she called him first. The calls initiated from his cell were after retrieving voice mail. Her # showed up in his "Missed Calls" register. I've let that go.

Besides, he had a cell before and swears he used pay phones to contact OW just in case I got suspicious and checked his cell. Which I never did because I trusted him duh. Plus he says he gave her his pager number for contact and a code in case I saw a number there I didn't recognize.

H was very clever, played his very close to the vest. Either because he was invested there and didn't want me "spoiling" it or he was invested here and didn't want me to know about it so I wouldn't leave him. Who cares anyway.

It's current behavior that's getting to me now.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, just look out for and after yourself. He is obviously not going to do it consistently.

Wishing you buckets of strength.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA:

Diamond bracelet. Very nice. I hope you have a nice, nice day.

Lostsoul,

I have to agree those calls don't add up. Keep your eyes open.


LostH, I had the feeling you were likely as gorgeous on the outside as we know you are on the inside. Now we just have to get your image of yourself to match the LostHeart that the rest of the world sees.

BTW, I actually ate weetbix this a.m. because we were out of everything else. That is some nasty stuff.


Speaking of in-laws, I actually ended up with two sets of them for the same H.

We found out my H was adopted about five years ago after his mother died. We searched and found his birth family, which is a big, blended family.

Both sets of parents are/were pieces of work, but at least the second set came with several nice sisters-in-law, which is cool. H was the only kid in his adopted family.


D-day 7/29/04.

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