Oh and OTC, cant you just make a OW Ho-Bitch/Bastard vaporiser??
PS. I Got some e-books if anybody is interested. PM me your email address and I will send them to you.
Just wanted to say hi again before I go home to take off for more work work there too!!!
Loved the ho bitch stuff OTC. When I get a chance I'll try and add some to it.
Sorry to the ones hurting. Hang in there, it always gets better.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Hefty, you do NOT need to meet her needs. Right now, still so soon in, you need to meet yours. By meeting your needs and looking after yourself, you will then be able to look to hers. But not yet. She did this betrayal, not you. She chose to go outside the marriage rather than come to you. Sorry, I forget, are you in IC yet? If not, I would strongly say get some, it helps. Truly, it does. And if your WW isn’t seeking counselling or some other therapy, she should too. You will know the right one for you within seconds of speaking to them.
You are better than this. I hope she is better than this. Moving on may be a little too soon for you, you are still dealing with the fall out, the fogging and the devastation. Please hefty, be kind to yourself. One day at a time. If you are angry today, give yourself some time out tomorrow.
Is she doing NC? What about the OM sitch? Are you still doing the 180 and, if so, how is she reacting? Where are you both now, emotionally and any other way? And no, I don’t know which one your WW would be. I thought they were all male? And blue.
Will your H read anything in the healing library, especially the stuff by WS? They are a fountain of info and support.
One thing my H says, and still says after all these months, is that when I get really emotional or angry or whatever, he freezes inside, literally can't talk sometimes--he takes my rants but as time goes on, I see it's counterproductive.
Now, that's not to say you have every right to emote, share your horrible feelings and worries and despair. But it's true that if the WS don't feel at least a little bit safe exposing all their shit, they never will. It comes out little by little sometimes--even with my situation, I got a lot of info right away, but there's always more. Plus who remembers everything you heard the first or second or third time around, especially in the beginning--no I take that back--my memory still sucks about all this emotional stuff. So I ask again if I need to.
Only you can decide what you need to know--at a minimum, I found a timeline was really helpful for me--maybe he could do it in writing. That worked for us, especially in the beginning of disclosures.
I too haven't told anyone, except my IC and our MC when we were going. It's hard, but was my choice, but it is a relief to talk to someone about it, no holds barred, no worry about how you're coming across, no problem being careful how you say something. It's not fair we have to do that with our WS, but if we decide to reconcile, we have to do it to some extent.
Just my 2 cents.
Sometimes i don't know who i'm more angry with, him for doing this or myself for staying.
P.S. Sorry to all about my typos and stupidos in my posts lately. I'm trying to do it on the fly and I'm hopeless without spell check and grammar check.
All I can say is read through these posts (if you have the time!!)--some of the threads address that indirectly at least. My H says he was guilty throughout, the remorse came after the shit hit the fan and he saw the devastation he had caused, his feelings for OW were real to him at the time and he still has some "concern" for her (he says now as the mother of the OC--who knows, really?)--
I try to think of it the way our first MC said it--it's different after the entire thing comes crashing down and the two lives he led aren't compartmentalized anymore, and as she said, the "narcissistic fantasy is now broken"--I think that was true of my H--the fantasy he knew all along was just a fantasy but was so irresistible to him was out in the open, and he says it did change his feelings somewhat--and he chose the reality of a R with me. He's still figuring out how to deal with his own issues which allowed him to choose to stay in it for so long.
Never will get a satisfactory answer--none of us who wouldn't have chosen a LTA will--but we are all working with the cards we were dealt. Sucks. Even when it's going okay, it sucks. Part of our lives now.
Toay I feel like I am done. I have handled everythig I am capable of handling and I am simply done. I can't do it naymore. I want to crawl in a hole and die. Only moms don't get that option. So I walk around and feel like a zombie and just wish I could crawl up in a hole.
There is a certain person in this group who likes to talk about herself in a less than flattering way from time to time. I won't mention any names (FSA )
heftysmurf, I could hear the pain in your vent. So sorry that you are having to feel that. Those days really suck. The only bright part of those days are knowing that sooner or later you will pick up and have some more good days. Hope tomorrow will bring one.
Never will get a satisfactory answer--none of us who wouldn't have chosen a LTA will--
Hey, tomorrow is my birthday, I think I'm going to be 21 again. (don't look at my tag lines, someone lied about my age down there). I led H to the gift that I wanted, somewhat. I told him that I wanted a casual piece of jewelry, (ring or maybe an engraved bracelet) that I could wear everyday. Something that when I was struggling with how he could have done this to me, that I can look at and touch, something that is real, and that hopefully will show some meaning of love to me. Kind of like a string around my finger kind of thing. Or the rubber band bracelet that you snap. But... he better not get me a string or a rubber band or he's gonna be in deep shit. But I do know that he went shopping today and has DD hiding a package. I'll let ya'll know tomorrow how he did. Me, I am hoping for an engraved bracelet with something that will bring tears to my eyes.
Job has been busy, busy, busy. Boss has been kind of hovering. I don't mind much if he knows I'm playing around in SI, just makes it kind of hard to read and post when he's close at hand. Kind of feels like posting with him standing over my shoulder reading.
H has been doing a fairly good job lately. I still struggle with the feeling of not knowing everything that's out there. But I truly think that he could tell me every little detail that ever happened and I would still think that there was more. Too many lies, to have any faith in his words. Actions, that's what I'm trying to focus on. Actions now, not past actions. If I focus on the past actions, I'd probably kill him. Ugh.
O.K. enough rambling for me for now. Time to chill out for the night.
Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
I think, Run, that you are right. This is good for me to allow myself to ask these questions - feel anger. You hit that for me a while back when you asked me -- what are H and I doing about our R? B/c in our sitch -- it would be very easy to only focus on the hell the HO Bitch has created.
Heftysmurf -- I have been here at SI for a while. Our last Dday was Aug 13, 2006. My H had an LTA that lasted approximately 3 years and resulted in 2 OC. The HO B@#*h stole his identity, ran up $35,000 in debt, has committed mail fraud, insurance fraud and forgery -- in the very least. For most of 2007 she collected -- through lies -- more than 55% of H's income. We have 3 COM who were barely considered in the proceedings - and it was as if I didn't exist at all.
The LTA tribe has been there for me through everything. And there has been alot. I am glad you - and all of the other newbies have found us. We are tight - give you a hug, a 2x4 or just let you vent. We are the Green Berets.
Can't go into details of the latest in the HO B*#@h saga, but suffice it to say -- I've no doubt we will be back in court very soon.
Our strategy? Keep holding the HO B*#@h's feet to the fire and stand firm. It occurred to me this morning that she seems to thrive on her need for Cash, Control and Criminal Chaos. And we are slowly taking all of that away.
((((((((Zanny))))))))) I am holding you in my heart friend.
Thank you for the laughter. I needed that.
Not much strength to post. Two hours sleep, back at work even though I have a temp & my entire family is sick. BLECH.
But I'm reading and keeping an eye on everyone
Who was it that said moms don't get the option to just lay down and give it up? Yep, hit the nail on the head.
So, you've been lurking for two years......well then, you are already family.
2yrs, welcome...so sorry you too are one of us. Hope I haven't missed anyone else new.
Your stories hurt to read.....but here in LTA-land, whose doesn't...???.
Seems like a shitty week for most ..and not even a full moon to blame it on.
With our 2nd remember/regurgitate day fast approaching (Valentine's Day, nice huh?)...I am thinking of life before I knew about the LTA.
Was it any better than now?
Doubtful, since I now know only half of him was "there" then... and sadly, the other half wasn't really vested with the POS "BJ" queen either, except for services and ego/phone calls......his other half was strictly all about him.
So at least now, he is all about trying to disprove his own image that he spent so many years creating.
A work in progress....but it is progressing.
As hard as it is for women to cope with their H's physical and emotional self-serving and betrayal...I think men have an even harder time attempting to accept this.
And in your case, you really need to see some semblance of love and caring....and of course, remorse.
SVS, whimsey.......your OC situations make me want to not ever whine about my own.
I have such respect for you both.
OTC, loved you Ho ideas.
I'll throw just a good old fashioned voodoo doll...... And lots of large, sharp pins........
Portable and reusable anytime desired. BIG- SHARP- PINS........
Hope those not feeling well, recover fast..but in the meantime, rest your weary heads and hearts.
Hugs to all.
Zanny..special hugs to you......
Have a lovely day, and may this year bring you some of the joy and peace that you so deserve.You are a good person...and we love you.
Now to my rant: Another of those titchy snippets came out last night. After his 14hr day, he was not switched on enough to keeping the info away from me. He has always minimised the amount of time he spent with OW. And one time he said he never stayed consecutive nights with her. I found out that wasn’t true and when I put the dates to him that I had discovered, it was a case of, “oh, yes, but they were the only times”. I’ve never believed him. Well, He has a London trip next week and he was debating which station to go from. I mentioned one he had tried and then he added a few other places to the list, including XXX. He knew as soon as he had said it that my mind had gone “ping!!” I turned and said “XXX station? In the city?” He tried to say he meant the one just before (wrong side for OW). I mean, REALLY! Even after all this time he’s still lying. So I said YOU SAID XXX STATION. He just closed his eyes. He would have stayed at hers, got a lift to the station in the city where she works, she will have picked him up again to go back to her house for the night. Again. Or maybe a hotel. Does it matter? So, another of those oh so few consecutive nights.
He also had a response to mindisgone’s first post, which I’d printed off to read while I was cooking. I can’t remember what he said about it, it was something about mig’s H feeling guilty. My response was and that doesn’t apply to you? No. What you’ve done is not the same? While he was with her, he didn’t feel guilty, only afterwards. WTF does that mean? Was this another “if I shut my eyes, stick my fingers in my ears, shout lah, lah, lah” it wasn’t really happening? Back to the compartmentalising again. Little boxes in the brain. The biggest, most important box being his A. Twat.
You sound like you have a tendency and pattern to be very hard on yourself MIG
While he was with her, he didn’t feel guilty, only afterwards.
Welcome to the new members - reading your stories and the mental pain you're in brings me back mentally to where I was 30 months ago. Hugs to all of you. Keep reading here, keep posting - the members here will most certainly embrace you, hold you up, give you good advice and send true loving hugs when you need them. Honestly, the tribe members here are truly the only people in real life that really understand where an LTA takes you, what it does to your head, your heart and your spirit.
Thanks and my appreciation to all that have gotten me through almost 3 yrs of this LTA crap....I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you.
Now, after almost 3 yrs since d-day, I am able to realize what this has done to me and how much it has changed me as a person. While I read many times that a BS will write that "they won't allow this LTA define who they are". I can't say that. It has defined me and who I am today.
Now, I'd like to ask any of you...do you find that you are somewhat 'bitter', bitter to life, bitter to people around you, non tolerant of anyone that might step on your toes, even accidently?
I had always been the 'out there' woman..I laughed at everything, I made light of everything, I let the assbites of the world be assbites and I ignored them. Today, I am on guard with everyone and every situation. I don't allow anyone cross my boundary of kindness and deceny. It kind of makes me sad to realize this about myself. I bite back really hard now.
I will say that my marriage is better, stronger and communication within is more than I had ever hoped it would be. My fwh has done everything, kept is word, supported me physically and emotionally from the moment he confessed. He's told me details of the details. I just had to ask - even if it was the same question 35 times. He even allowed me to meet the Slut Monkey face to face a few weeks after d-day to shred her to pieces. Something that is always advised not to do. It did however provide some relief within myself.
Things are good except for one thing...and it's a major trigger, causes me to spiral to that deep dark place, hard to crawl back out and causes me so much mental pain that I want many times to walk away from the marriage. It just keeps repeating, over and over like a bad movie.
I'm wondering if any of you have this same problem??? A passive agressive fwh? I believe that's what allowed him to get in the LTA, its what allowed him to continue it for as long as he did, and it's what prevented him from telling me so that he could stop it all.
This issue with him is absolutely making me insane. I believe it's how he was raised - just brush your shit under the rug and it will go away attitude. Which we know doesn't work.
For 26 yrs of marriage, his family has treated me like complete garbage - when I bring this up, he has excuses for them, or says I am reading it all wrong. Last summer while at their home, he saw, he heard and he realized exactly what I have been saying for 26 yrs. His sister bashed me for 4 days straight. He never said a word to her until we were home again. She then denied it and cried, and he said 'well, maybe it was a misunderstanding" WTF? he saw it...how could it be a misunderstanding?
Its come to the point that I have finally drawn a line in the sand and I won't allow his family to cross it again. I am done with them. Done trying to be a nice daughter inlaw, a nice sister inlaw...I'm just done. He can't seem to understand this and keeps trying to drag me back in.
The newest idiotic idea was for me to fly to last week to a city that he is currently doing a project in, he's been gone for almost 2 weeks. I flew up this weekend, and he invited a cousin to meet us for dinner - since of course his cousin lives there and hasn't seen us in 20 yrs.. during dinner she raked me over the coals about being a clingy mom - (like she even knows me?). I am not even sure what prompted her comments, I just know that instead of my husb defending me, he sat there and let this cousin kick me in the gut. Really hurtful things she said about me and my mothering skills - I might add, I have one child and have had NO problems whatsoever with this kid, hes 21 and doing great.
In the past he has allowed his mother to do things like 'forget to set a place for me at the Thanksgiving table' - I ended up having dinner on the basement steps alone and nobody missed me until my 9 yr old asked where his mom was. I flew home the next day alone...my husb still didn't get it. I could write a book on the nasty things his family has done to me...things I wouldn't even do to Slut Monkey.
As I said, now I am biting back when someone crosses that boundary, however, I am not biting back with his family, out of respect for my fwh - I have made a boundary and I expect him to honor it and protect me from his family. While he can't stop them or predict what they do or say to me, he can however stand up and stay enough is enough.
He just won't do it - this is causing me so much grief, hurt and pain - I want to let loose on his family. He just doesn't get this at all...or is he choosing to ignore it?
Last night he told me that his parents are coming here for 2 weeks in May. OMG, last time I had to replace linens, toilets, and furniture. They are complete slobs - my bathrooms looked like gas station restrooms when they left. I did nothing but cook, clean and keep my mouth shut while they were here and listen to them complain about everything (mostly me). I worked fulltime too. Not once did they initiate conversation with me other than to ask what they were eating. I told him that I was going to be on a business trip when they came - a long trip to the Hilton. He now realizes that indeed, I won't stay here when they will be here, and I expect my home to be in the same condition as when I checked into the Hilton...he is starting to panic... - he knows he won't be able to do it all, entertain, feed and clean and go to work...oh well!
I just can't figure out why he can't hold his ground, why he can't protect me and stand up for me in this issue. He sees clearly what it does to me, it causes us to fight, which we never do, even during his LTA.
Sorry this is so long and rambling - and off topic somewhat. Its stressing me out, its scaring me to realize that all we have been through, worked for and I will walk away because of his family and his lack of stamina to stand up to them for me.
Just want to say also, its good to see all the regulars here..some with progress, some with set backs, but all moving in the forward direction. It's a really tough journey.
Hugs to all of you -and thanks for letting me vent this off my shoulders..I don't know how to deal with this issue.
Have a good day to all of you.
I'm going to catch up on all the posts...hopefully I'll be back soon to post.
Happy 21st birthday FSA I hope your day is special!