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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read Men are from Mars and another book called Why Men Don’t Iron. Ladies here, please note that it says “don’t” not “can’t”. They don’t because we do. They can, they just choose to not do it. Which brings me to the asking for things without appearing needy. In one of those books, it suggests how to ask for something and says you should begin with the word “would”. “Would you please find time to put air in my tyres (or tires!!)” If you say the word “could”, it sounds more of a command and he may reply “no, I can’t”. However, to reply to “would”, which sounds like a request, he would have to say “no, I won’t”, which just makes him sound like a stroppy jerk. Apparently it works. I remember trying it for a few weeks back in the dark days of 2004, and I was astonished that he would help out and be more involved. Then he had another outburst, but was before I knew.

I have MC tonight. I think I’ll put need and nurture back on the agenda. And here’s a quote for you to consider: Immature love says "I love you because I need you". Mature love says "I need you because I love you" Maybe that’s the difference between the W and OW’s.

I overheard my H on the phone to a business friend. He said that his exboss had blatantly lied to him, so how could he believe anything he said now or ever again? Hmmm. And he wants me to believe and have trust after five f*cking years of lying to me? He felt betrayed by his boss? It’s only a f*cking job!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, your H reminds me so much of my F..it makes my blood boil!

SoL, I know you must get tired of hearing this, but I will say it anyway. Your dday is so very recent. and you are doing incredibly well.
Its hard to tell if they have really gone NC at this stage, but believe me, the time will come when you just know. You cant monitor his workplace, so I guess you will have to take his word and look at his actions. and take the usual precautions like keyloggers, access to the cellphone etc. Is it possible at all that he can change workplaces?

Hbh, I know you are coming up to your 1 year mark? How are you doing with that? Have you and H discussed your POA?

Ukgirl, I cant tell you how many times I said this after dday!

I WANT WHAT SHE HAD

Now I wouldnt wish that on anyone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trouble is LostH, I did want it and I do want it. I wrote this sad poem a few months after DDay:

Perhaps, if we were to lead separate lives
In separate homes,
Close, but far enough apart,
You could come to me and then
You would not have to deal
With the everydayness of us and me.

There would be no wet washing
Only full drawers.
There would be no ironing board
Only pressed shirts,
There would be no unmade beds
Only smooth linen.
Only us

There would be no supermarket shop
Only smart delicatessens.
There would be no messy kitchen
Only small bistros,
There would be no warm beers
Only cold lagers.
Only us.

There would be no complaints
Only complements.
There would be no rushing
Only relaxation.
There would be no children
Only us.

There would be no tears of despair
Only tears of happiness.
There would be no anger
Only fiery passion.
There would be no distance
Only close intimacy.
Only us.

There would be time for you.
There would be time for me.
There would be time for us.
Time would be a good mistress.
Then I would be your mistress,
You would be my lover,
If we were to lead separate lives.

That’s what they had, kwim?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do Ukgirl.

Do you think that its possible for you guys to get that back?

Strange as it sounds, I know H and I are closer, more intimate, more passionate, more connected than we ever were before...and definetly way more than they ever were.

Ukgirl, dont romanticise their relationship. I know I was guilty of that. It was what it was...cheap, sordid, hidden, dirty and robbed them of their souls. Yes, they had good sex. Yes, the time they spend together was precious because they knew it was shortlived and a break from their real lives. Yes, they probably felt that what they had was special. But what did they really truely have Ukgirl?
In my case, I know they didnt get to do regular stuff in public and daylight like eating out, going to the movies. They had to hide and sneak into the backseat and hotels, parks and underground parking lots.

Yes, she got cards and beautiful documents and gifts and sexy sms's. My H said he didnt know how else to give her back something (read pay!)..he felt like he was using her. Now he recognises they used each other.

I know housework sucks now.Before I felt proud to keep a good home. Now I cant really be bothered. Also H helps alot more than he did before. Thats one of his love languages.

Can your H help out more?

And if its time alone you want, how about scheduling date nights? Take turns to plan the dates,and surprise each other.

Hope I helped in my roundabout way.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Tribe,
I am posting on behalf of Zanny. She has asked me to let all of you know that last Saturday she had Dday #2 and discovered her H has been having an emotional A with a completely different woman since three months before Dday #1. I don’t even have to tell you how she’s feeling. I know each and every one of you understands. Both Run and I have been in touch with her daily. We are both supporting her as best we can. She will be posting all the details when she’s ready. Right now she is just trying to make it through the day and so it’s important to give her space and so no PM’s for now please. Please pray for her as much and as often as you can. She needs the strength of prayer and faith right now more than ever. If you want to say something to her say it here. She will be reading when she can.

I know this is all of our worst nightmares but we have to remember it’s Zanny who is living it. This will evoke the fear mechanism in many of you as it has both Run and I, but please don’t go there if you can help it. Save your emotions and strength for our dear tribal sister who is living it minute by minute.

I would like to propose at 4:00 pm EST today we all pause and take a minute to send Zanny collective love and strength in force from the tribe. I know she will feel it. Here is the breakdown for all time zones:
9 pm UK / 4 pm EST / 3 pm CST / 2 pm MST / 1 pm PST


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've set an alarm for 4 PM.

We're here zanny, when you're ready. I'll keep the hot toddy warm


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny wish I had a hugging smiley. Run please find one.

I'll be sure to be there at 4:00, but I'll also be thinking of you non-stop.

Please take care. And know that I care sooooo much.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am posting on behalf of Zanny.



Cowgirl, Thanks so much for telling us. I know how hard it was to do.

But Zanny.....

Oh my friend.....our friend....

No words will do except to say that you know..you surely know.... We all understand right down to our souls.

I am crying and disbelieving with you.

But....we all also know that when a WS is still fucked up..and still hiding out in dysfunction ...and still afraid to come out and face reality...they go back (or maybe never even left, really) to those patterns that support the illusion and delusions.
It is a cowardice and denial that allows no integrity....and feeds the addiction to "not being real" as sure as if it came with a hypodermic syringe or crack pipe.

Zanny.....just know my thoughts are hugging you....tightly.

Bless you, Run and cowgirl.. Hugs for being there for her.

Adding I will be there with the tribe at the appointed hour today.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 1:31 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting here trying to breathe.

You guys know I check his cell phone records. It started because I wanted to check his story about the "office girl" calling him 15 times a day interrupting his work,etc. Found out tha wasn't true. Turned out it wasn't just the office girl, it was other management, just checking up on the new guy. That has settled down, but I still check anyway.

There's been a number. Three calls out, three calls in. Either ON his way to work on ON his way home.

Didn't think anything of it, they were only a minute and there wasn't a "pattern" until today. I realized the call this weekend was made while I was sleeping. He came up after checking with the foreman of the job and it was raining up there, so he crawled back into bed and we made love. The skies cleared and he went up only to find out the materials weren't there, so he SAYS he stopped for breakfast and then came home. He was with me the whole day, the whole night, all of Sunday.

Then a call from and a call back to the same number at 7 AM yesterday morning. None so far today.

I googled the number, it belongs to a woman who runs a homeless shelter in a county were his shop is located.

I'm going to try to keep it together to see if there are any other calls. If there are, I don't know what to do... just hold onto the info until there's more "evidence" or bring her up at MC this week. I called the number from home and a woman did answer, I made up a name and she said I had the wrong number.

Maybe the stuff with zanny has me on edge, I don't know. But I am wound up tigher than a drum right now.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny,

My prayers for strength to get through the upcoming days go out to you in full force. Your tribe is here for you, as little or as much as you need.

Also, remember, I am probably about a two hour drive tops from you....let me know if you feel you could use a "shoulder to cry on" or a cup of tea or coffee away from your home for a few hours.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

I'm going to try to keep it together to see if there are any other calls. If there are, I don't know what to do... just hold onto the info until there's more "evidence" or bring her up at MC this week

Oh No, you must be so anxious. I am so impatient I always end up confronting right away, BUT the wise advice always has been to document and get the facts beforehand.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also not very good at hiding my emotions. He picks up on the slightest twitch.

If I see it again, what does everyone think about me calling that number from his phone? See if she knows who it's "supposed" to be? But then I'll have to confront him before he hears from her.

OK. I need to wait a little. I think I'll go take a nice long shower.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((zanny))))))

I am so so sorry. I will be there at my 9pm.

Thanks robt and OTC.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy,

Don't do anthing yet...

Can you get the time to drive to where she is located and check it out?

I would continue to watch the phone patterns. Because the truth is..if you tip your hand too soon......he will only go deeper into stealth. We all know how that goes.

And.... mybe it is "nothing"

Zanny's situation is terrible...but it is hers, unfortunately.

Breath and wait, weepy....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm good, the shower helped. I checked the previous month's calls and nothing. The calls on Saturday morning actually both came from her. Now I'm hoping it's a mis-dial.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you Zanny. I hope and pray that your h is remorseful and that his ea was not too deep and that it was more of a left over behavior pattern. Sometimes, maybe more often than not, the ws takes several steps forward only to slide back. Some don't slide too far before getting back on track. Others are so dysfunctional and dishonest that they never intended to be exclusive.

I hope and pray that all turns out well, with or without your spouse. I will be there at 4:00.

Weepy, keep cool and check this all out.

Blessings and prayers,

NMS


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Zanny. I'm holding you in my heart, my friend.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Zanny)))

Saying a prayer for you. Wish I could do more. Please take care.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Zanny))) - my thoughts and prayers are with you. Giving you much strength. Take care of yourself. hs


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Zanny)))))

Prayers and Lifting Hugs.....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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