hefty, I LONGED for a sincere "I'm sorry". I got "I wish I'd stuck with the whores." (when I seemed more obsessed on his LTAP.
I got "I TOLD you I was sorry. What do you want me to do?" screamed at me.
He threatened to leave ME if I didn't stop pestering him with questions.
He said the worst, most awful things to me the first 6 mo. after Dday. When I asked him why he'd never said "thank you" for giving him a second chance, he said "it's your choice.".
What Im saying is that one of the posters here called that his "stupid" period. A time of complete and total incapacity to do anything right, worthwhile or healing.
You need to step back. Don't even let her close enough to "bump" you. You have to create some distance either emotionally or physically to center yourself.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I find his own self-punishment gets in the way of our R sometimes--he gets paralyzed by whatever pain or changes in personality or whatever he sees in me, and though I don't stop talking about our R because of it, it does affect me. But those feelings of mine do co-exist with whatever positive stuff might be going on, and I refuse to stifle the more negative stuff just cuz it makes him feel bad. But it's a dilemma--probably not solvable, so we slog through that as well as through all the other stuff.
I've gone through not wanting to dump my negative stuff on him when he was already so down too. The funny thing is that last time I was in an I'll never get past this, I'm clearly one of those people who can't forgive phase, my H talked to his IC about it. His IC asked how we were discussing my negative emotions, triggers, etc. My H said that in recent months that had kind of phased out.
His C said that part of the healing now needed to consist of us integrating my negative feelings about him and the A into our relationship--that while in time they would be overshadowed by more positive developments, they were never going to go away entirely and were much better off out there. We both started making an effort to acknowledge them and be open about them, and the funny thing is I haven't had an I can't do this phase since.
[This message edited by hearbroken at 9:04 PM, January 11th (Friday)]
I have to venture off topic and say.....
I'VE GAINED 5 POUNDS BACK SINCE FSA STOPPED BEING DRILL SARGE!!! Love you FSA...
This is not intended to make any one person feel guilty, but.... anyone else want to step and beat my butt for this horrible offense. I've got about 40 pounds to lose now...BLECH.
<stepping back out of the room ever so slowly in embarassment>
[This message edited by hearbroken at 9:03 PM, January 11th (Friday)]
Want to buddy up and keep each other on track? I need to lose about 20 pounds and I want to do it by exercise and eating right. I don't want packaged meals or any other non-nutricious meals.
Let me know if you are game?
I'd love to buddy up!I lost 35 pounds last year with diet and excercise, then gained back 5 between November and now. The new job and stresses haven't helped any!!!!
Anyway, I'd love to keep each other motivated at least weekly. Sound good?
How about every Mon. we post our goals and on Fri, we post how we did.
We can do it via pm's or on the open forum.
Maybe if we do it openly, we can inspire others.
One last weekend to live it up & then we crack the whip Monday! "See" you then
OK. This weekend is the last hurrah...
Of course that might put a crimp in the gourmet cooking lessons I'm giving myself. Chili and cornbread for dinner tonight and boy was it good. My first attempt at scratch cooking for both.
"See" you on Monday.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 9:58 PM, January 11th (Friday)]
HB, no mor, nas and weepy, count me in too!
I lost 10kg on the Infid diet and managed to keep them off for a year. However, I have gained a few since November, and I am feeling really flabby and saggy.
I NEED to join a gym, and am looking into that,but going for physio first to get me healthy to get to gym.
So see you all on Monday!
Reading the last posts since I logged off last night, I realised that WS's seem to fall into 2 groups, the ones like Brookes and Shirley's who are instantly remorseful and willing to do everything possible to heal and recover.
Then there are those like mine and Weepy's, who are more "challenged". Am I wrong in this?
Thanks Brooke for joining in. I hope you visit more often. You know what I took from your posts? Hope. Hope that there are WSs that are genuine in their effort to help their spouse and family, but also to help themselves. Thank you for that.
His C said that part of the healing now needed to consist of us integrating my negative feelings about him and the A into our relationship--that while in time they would be overshadowed by more positive developments, they were never going to go away entirely and were much better off out there
That makes alot of sense. In my IC session, I told her about how I havent been able to sleep properly in the last 2 weeks, as I have been having nightmares. And now I feel like I am ready to explode, like no matter how hard I try, the toxins are leaking out. She said that its most def due to the fact that I have been coasting through the holiday period, not bringing anything negative up, and all that suppressing has been coming out in my dreams. And as my mind cant suppress anymore, its leaking out.
On a positive note, she said that now we are back to our weekly sessions, I wont be suppressing anymore, and sleep should return to normal.However, how to get H to understand that I need to talk to him too about this stuff?
He feels that when I vent/trigger etc, and dont behave appropriately, then its counterproductive. He says he goes into defence mode, and cant help me, so I am left out in the cold alone. His idea of appropriate behaviour is this:
Me: H, I am triggering. When you did X, I felt Y, and it reminded me of Z.
Him: I am sorry you are feeling that way. What can I do to help?
Me: Can you give me a hug please?
Him: Of course! Get over here.
However, IRL, this is what usually happens. Yes, I hope I am making someone smile today!
Him: Whats wrong now?Sigh.
Me: When you did X, it reminded me of Y, and I feel so angry with you.
Him: I am sorry ok?
Me: That doesnt help me now. How could you be so X,Y and Z?? I cant believe that you did that! All that time you told me that I was crazy and paraniod!
Him: But you did act crazy. I never did anything right with you.
Me: You didnt do anythign period! I had to do everything..you would just sleep or play on the pc or go to work...on the weekend! Remember how he kids used to cry for you to stay home?
Him: God that again! Thats over ok? Just move on now. Do you have to bring back everything? You are going to destroy this marriage.
Me: Me destroy it? what about you?
Him: Oh thats right! Bring up the A card whenever you have nothing else to say!
Blah blah blah blah blah....
Ok things have improved somewhat. We are not as bad now, but its all there, just under the surface.
Just last week, he told me that things have been so good with us, he feels so positive about the future. And there I am thinking..we have spent the last few weekd delib avoiding anything contentious..how can he think that that was how it is for real?
Ok, I am going to shut up now. Thank you for letting me hog/vent.
He did come home nd tell me right away. Said she said....
Hi, it's me. I'm at 'blank'. I hope BS knows that it was a 5 year thing, not just a 1 year thing. I hope you're having a good life. I'm having a good life. Bye.
Atleast that's what he remembers. Who the hell knows. And he did tell me it was 1 year in the beginning, how did she know that?? He says they never talked about tat and he has not talked to her.
He came right home and told me, was very proud of himself and a bit defensive when I was mad that he had deleted it. I wanted him to repeat it and he got all irritated so I told him to just leave me alone. And he did! I cried and cried and then went downstairs. We talked for a couple hours.
He was irritatted he had just said it and wanted to know why we couldn't ocmpromise. Umm, b/c you did this and as far as that is concerned, there is no compromising, I get to ask whatever I want. He didn't say much.
I asked a bunch more questions and a couple subtle things chaged. Said he never talked in front of the kids but now says, well, they were in the other room so I wasn't in front of them. Said he never saw her at kung fu but now says a hand ful of times she met him in the parking lot there.
They had sex at her house in her van and outside. I am physically sick.
He sayswhat he should. He's sorry, he hates himself for doing it, he wishes it never happened, he doesn't rknow why he let it go on so long, blah blah. I am just beat down. I can't handle anything else.
He pleaded with me to tell someone. Says it's hurting me so much by pretending everything is great. But of course doesn't really want family to know (although I don't either). Wants me to tell one of my friends so I have someone to talk to. Makes me wonder if he just wants me to talk to soeon other than him. I don't think so, I do think he means well in that area. He and the MC have talked about it several times. That I hav isolated myself and need someone to share with. I told himI woudl think about it.
I jut don' know if I can do it anymore. I just feel defeated. Says he knows now he shoudl have saved it. Said he woudl email a NC letter or just do noting, it was totally up to me. Not sure whether I want to kill her with silence or let her know to leave us alone. From him of course. I told him it woudln't be nice.
I love my wife, I don't love you. You were a mistake. Do not contact me again.
He called her dday. She called 3 weeks later a dn now 6 weeks or so after that she calls again. Drunk he said. he also said when he woudl break it off she woudl end up a month or more later calling drunk adn they woudl get back toegther. But then says she doesn't really drink. Had 1 drink when they went out.
I hate this all. I know have way more picturesin my head-sex in a van. sex on the grass by her house.
I just want to cry and cry bt I have to take care of my kids and of course he goes back to work tonight. Cheerleading today adn then a friends party that all of us are suppoe to go to. I don't know if I can handle it.
Your discovery date is still very recent. IMHO, all that is happening with you and h is all part of the learning and recovery curve. Ofcourse your h should have saved the message but that is higher level morals. A man who can have a lta does not get it over night. Hopefully, now he realises that saving any voice message is part of transperancy which is necessary for trust to develope.
When our fmow contacted my h, he told me and I sent her an e mail saying that anytime she contacted him, I would be the one to respond. This tatic was effective.
He f**ked up. HE shouldnt have deleted it. You just have to take his word that she said what he said she did. But the onconsistencies do stand out, for eg. how did she know that he had said 1 year initially, if they hadnt any contact. Doesnt make sense.
When you lie and lie about the lie, you get so bound up, its hard to keep track. Know what...keep a log of all the stuff you know. And watch how the stories change as the fog lifts. If I hadnt written details down, I would have been convinced he told me the truth from the beginning...
So now what happens?
He drafts the NC letter, you proof it, then you send it together, offering retaliation if she breaks it again, for eg, telling her H, or get a RO, or whatever.Do that asap please.
As for today, get him to take the kids out to the park or mall, whilst you get into bed and have a good cry if you want. Let him sort out the lunches and dinner. As for tonight, sometimes its good to get out, but sometimes you just want to be, not face anyone with the fake face. If you cant handle tonight, dont torture yourself.Call in sick to your friends, plop the kids in front of the TV and just lie down.
Every time something like this happens, it tears a piece of our heart out. Dont put too much pressure on yourself SoL. You dont have to be supermum 24/7. We are allowed a break now and then, you know.
Please take care.
As no mor stated..in the world of LTA.....you are in the very early stages with regard to "awareness" and instinctive integrity manifesting for the WS.
They spent years lying and covering-up....it is so ingrained to say "anything" to move past a moment where they could be held accountable.
Each time you show them the mirror of duplicity on their part...they run from it.
Yes, it is maddening and debilitating for you. And so unfair to you the BS.
I agree that a clearly defined NC letter drafted by him and proofed by you is necessary. Not just to close the door on the POS who is still hoping for a toe-hold of response from him....but for him to do something blatantly pro-active for himself and his M.
This is a painful process and exhausting process, so lost...
And as we say here, over and over....take care of YOUR needs.
Whatever it takes, no matter how small or fleeting. You must get some relief from the mind chatter.
Hugs of understanding