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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
annben
♀ Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

False reconciliation definitely hurt "us." But I think it destroyed "me."

After first D-day, I was sad and angry.

After each successive bs R, my self-loathing grew.

What is wrong with me that I can't:

a)keep my husband?
b)LEAVE my husband?
c)just not give a shit instead of letting this eat me alive?

And why, why, WHY did it take me actually getting to the point of where I truly did not give a shit for him to "think he's ready to come around?"


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone a few posts back said something along the lines of a false R being like having your fingers broken after they've already broken your arm.

I so agree! An interesting way to explain/phrase it and totally dead-on.

I guess the thing that really devestates me the most about my situation is that he just stopped contact totally and even now, months later, I have no idea what happened, why it happened, what he's doing, etc. No closure whatsoever. I would think that after 9 years with a person, they'd be worth enough to not do something like that to. I mean I definitely pondered the idea of having my husband come home to an empty house one day suddenly, but I decided I just couldn't do that to someone I shared so much of my life with- that even though he disrespected me, I had enough respect for him (and myself) to never want to end things in that sort of way.

False R hurts so badly, that's all I've got to say.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've had an insight breakthrough.
After all the stuff from the last couple of days this occurred to me.
I think that it's possible that during an A our So vilifies us to be a bad guy to excuse their behaviour.
And possibly during a FR they continue to see us that way so on some level internally they aren't able to make a true R.
I'm wondering right now if that's what's going on with my daft.

I think he sees me as someone so evil, he can't see me any other way.
Need to do some more thinking on this and some input from y'all.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I know what you mean, HB. I often felt like I was cast in a few "roles":

1) mommy

2) cop

3) wicked witch/bitch

4) nurse

All negatives. WH could thus justify his FR/behaviors & thus obtain *relief*.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just keep going back to the thought "why bother if it isn't real?"


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, with a rational person & in a rational world view or situation...yes, why bother indeed?
I was reading a book on Predators/Sociopaths who enjoy
*fooling* people.
The term is "duping delight".
My SIL confirmed that her brother enjoyed 'pulling the wool over people's eyes'...so I think this FITS, in my sitch.
Some get a vicarious thrill...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a good day hanging out with a friend today and we discussed this.
She knew someone that was M and their W had decided she wanted to be D.

She was nice to her H but you know how that's not enough.
He asked her one time why and she told him that it was to make him feel better.
He told her it wasn't making him feel better at all.

So that got me to wondering if that's why some R's are false.
because a WS is trying to make us feel better.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As in...she was trying to "spare his hurt feelings", hmmm?

I'd rather have complete honesty & bite the bullet, but I know what you mean, HB.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that's what I don't understand.
Was this to also make herself feel better like she was doing him this great wonderful fantabulous favor?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not quite sure I follow you, HB...could you elaborate, please?
My depression is making me a bit brain dead.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamy, I don't know if I fully understand it myself.
Maybe it's a case of
"if I treat my BS nice maybe I'm not hurting them so bad and I'm not such a bad person".

Does that make any sense?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmm...HB, if you say so.

I never felt bad or guilt with the POS.

Every FR felt *heavier* & more crushing than the next is all I know. It was: CUMMULATIVE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard dealing w/ the FR's.
When I was in the hospital, I was wishing he could be there by my side so much.
Then it would hit me that he wasn't because of his choices.
That really hurt.I guess it's all part of that being their "option" "thang".

I still don't know how to deal with the FR's.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does a WS even bother to keep up the charade of a FR?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge hugs, HB.

Why? In my case, I feel its called *duping delight*.

As in: 'hehe, fooled her, again'!

Seriously, I think psycho really gets OFF on it!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayal
♀ Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does a WS even bother to keep up the charade of a FR?
(((Hugs))) My sit is a bit different b/c of the npd but 2 yrs after the first d-day and a year after filing and being seperated stbx wanted to "try", that only lasted about 2 weeks thank god for me. I truly think that because i "exposed" him and people saw him w/out his mask he had to do something to prove he was not the bad guy, and also i think he thought he could have his cake and eat it too, but because of my renewed self respect and expectations he could no longer get the N supply from me as well as be able to compartmentalize. Even ws's without personality disorders find it easier to do the compartmentilizing and we/they do seek out what is familiar it's all we/they know..IC/MC-or faith based counseling on a consistent basis for a min of a year is really the only way to tell if a ws is serious about R, imo.. Again, i think that ws do the false R so they aren't the "bad" guy.


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a "low warmth" sociopathic type who sooo enjoys "pulling the wool" over everyone's eyes.
His sister, a nurse, has told me this, & I have witnessed it many times, myself.
So it would stand to reason that in MY sitch, he thoroughly enjoys doing the FR.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only realizing recently how isolated I am from his family.
They tell me nothing about him or what he's doing.
I don't really care about that so much except I would like to know when he's going to pull some shitty deed on me and the kids.
Whenever he was home off the road was the only time they called here.

So now, the only one that calls is SIL who is the siste and daughter of his OW's.
I think she's just fishing for info to feed him about what I'm doing or what's going on in my day to day life.
Which should be pretty obvious anyway because she and I work at the same place.

I'm beginning to feel double teamed by them.
And I don't like it.
I think I'm going to tell her off very soon.
I just need to figure out a classy way to do it.
Any ideas?

Again, i think that ws do the false R so they aren't the "bad" guy.

Betrayal, can you explain?
I don't understand, because if it's a FR and they get busted doing more crap, how can they NOT be the bad guy?
I feel so trying to figure this one out.
Did fucktard not think I would eventually find out or figure it out?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Sad  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to talk to daft last night about when he's going to be here to get the kids.

It was so weird.He was nice and friendly.
I guess he can afford to be after screwing me out of so much and screwing up the final court date.

How can he be nice (relative term) to me after the last FR?
I've been feeling thrown away really bad lately.
I feel like he threw away a sure thing(me) for a maybe thing(internet dating).
That is really a hard blow to my self esteem.
Is it that I wasn't important enough to him to be honest with me?
Isn't that how all his A crap w/ 2 women(that I know of) started?
Did I mean so little to him that he didn't care how I felt when I found him signed up on AFF during our last FR?

I really need help understanding all of this.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
HeartOfGlass
♀ Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry HB :( I know how much these FR's freaking hurt & kill us, tiny bits of our soul every time it feels like anyway.

Hang in there- all i know to do is keep talking to my ic, taking AD & anxiety meds to survive this horrible mess. at least I guess - if theres SOMETHING positive it would be no more false r's for me. ever. he's with the MOW for good, building a brand new beautiful life together as we speak. that hurts like HELL but you know it STILL hurts less than his false R's and lies I guess..


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
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