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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the time of year that is the hardest. Since FOW is not going anywhere it is a constant reminder. I never thought of it before as a reminder of the pain. That is it. How did you come to terms with them working together? I know I have days where it isn't a big deal. This time of the year just gets bad.


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you come to terms with them working together?

You might want to post this question on the General forum.

I try to keep the most important things that are going in my life right now, in my thoughts.

The A starts too seem as small as the om does to me.

Take care.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
♀ Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wonder how you can do it, go through several false R's ,wash , rinse and do it all over again. What is gained ? what is lost? I find after last false R ,I am so depressed,so hopeless about us, I don't have the energy to go through the abuse again. I'm gone 180 for now, I just can't take the lies anymore.I am drained. NC ...No more hurts.

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wonder how you can do it,

I wonder the same thing. I don't have a simple answer for you. I chose to stay because I loved her.

Because she chose to continue the A just made it harder to deal with. Probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make, was to continue to try and R after the last time she betrayed me. Not to mention trying to control my anger.

Two years later, the fact that they work together, just makes it harder for the both of us to put it behind us.

Take care.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
♀ Member
Member # 32632
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post so please forgive my lack of short codes, im not quite up to date with those yet and i also apologise if this isnt quite the right place for this.

A brief rundown of my story:
When i was 7 months pregnant i found out that my partner had been having an affair with his ex and mother of his first child, i had suspected for a while but because of my situation tried to convince myself it wasnt happening but the proof was there and on 27th Jan 2010 i confronted him and he admitted to it he swore i was what he wanted and that it was all a big mistake and that it hadnt been going on long. The day after though the other woman got in contact with me and told me the affair had started before i had even gotten pregnant and that he was in love with her. He apologised about it all and swore that she ment nothing and that he felt trapped in the affair because she had the power to stop him seing his son. We reconciled 2 days later with the understanding that all contact apart from in regards to his son were to stop and that i would have all passwords for all his accounts.
Unfortunatly between our reconciliation date and our break up on 30th May 2010 the longest that the affair stopped was for 2 weeks. I kicked him out when our baby was 5 weeks old after finding him drunk and fast asleep infront of the laptop with a full 3 hour long conversation to her on it and he spent the next week groveling so i let him home again and less than a week later he was back to old tricks and i kicked him out again.
He went straight to her and they were together for 2 months before he left her and told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and he wanted to come back and in Aug 2010 we reconciled again.
This time has been much more sucessful and our relationship has improved greatly unfortunatly i have struggled to put the past behind me, esp after the anniversery of first finding out. i had a really rough time between Feb and April with all the "1 year ago today" memories but the past two months i have really improved, until yesterday.

I was on his FB and there was a conversation with her still open that they had had earlier when i wasnt there and at first it was all innocent but then he started talking about poping up to see her before he went work so to get the kids upstairs watching a dvd and then hinting at them having sex and telling her "only if you want me" and "you know you want it" snd she was going along with it all. When i confronted him he told me that it was a joke that they have, that it was "banter" I dont really believe him and i feel like my world is falling apart again and that months of hard work have just gone to pot. I dont understand why he would do that after months of sucess. No matter if its a joke or not its all still hurtful and now i feel like im waiting to find out he is starting an affair with her again, i feel like im waiting to find out this reconcilation has been false too.

BS- Me 24
WH- Him 26
3 kids- 1 each and 1 together
DDay #1 27/01/2010
Rday #1 30/01/2010
DDay #2 30/05/2010
RDay #2 16/08/2010
R going so well i sometimes think i must be dreaming!

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: uk
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, sad to hear that you are having a rough time of it. you are the only person who knows if this is worth it.

No matter if its a joke or not its all still hurtful and now i feel like im waiting to find out he is starting an affair with her again, i feel like im waiting to find out this reconcilation has been false

He needs to have more respect for you than this.
You deserve better. It's up to you find a way to get it.
He needs to know that this is unacceptable to you,

Take care,

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
♀ Member
Member # 34014
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do when Wh says he wants to r but shows you he isn't changing the things he did and decides he rather be single than being a husband or a father.bc he can't deal with your hurt?

M:9 years together 11 years
Kids:10,9,4 (all boys)
D-D : 11/16/11
Status:wish i knew

Posts: 304 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ New Member
Member # 34889
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My questions regarding FR is do you know? My WS has admitted that I do deserve a chance for both of us to work on the M, but I do believe he is still in contact though he has been hiding it well. I have one last place to look and I am waiting for the right moment to check. I hate to be a snoop, but I don't want to be stupid a second time...any suggestions???

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Louisiana
♀ Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Several short false Rs before it collide and wrecked most of our life. He has been good again but I seriously doubt there is another try in me if we don't make it now.

BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad to be here...but i know i am with friends here who understand. my 1st dday was 10 months ago. about a month ago, my husband was out in his mancave...up late until the wee hours of the morning. when i got up, i noticed his phone out...i checked and found a dirty text he sent a said..."emotionally, you know you cant handle this dick that deep inside you." it was sent a 4am. i confronted my was terrible...some woman he met on the internet a year ealier. i called the woman...cussed her out...cussed him out....she sent me a text message saying..."you can have him...i dont want him. get some therapy..real therapy."

i cussed her out again..but it doesnt matter...she is not the problem. he cheated...again. the whole 10 months...i thought he was trying, when really, he was talking to some other woman. he made a big fuss about..."putting it all in the past" by getting a new number after the 1st dday. then he goes and does this.

we are currently separated. i am nc unless he wants to set time to see the baby.

still devastated.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I tell if it's a FR with someone who is a chronic liar?

He's telling me that he wants to be with me, that he's happy with me, and that he loves me.

But I get the sense that he's resentful I am making him give up the OW and forcing him to live this 'boring' life of a 10 year relationship vs. the fantasy.

I saw messages my WH and the OW exchanged, and he sounds so reluctant to give up contact. Perhaps he's trying to let her down easy, or perhaps he is trying to leave the door open.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've not posted in this thread but I belong here.

But I get the sense that he's resentful I am making him give up the OW and forcing him to live this 'boring' life of a 10 year relationship vs. the fantasy.

Decide if these are your feelings or if there are good reasons that you are feeling this way.
It sounds like you have reasons outside from just your own hurt feelings that are pointing you to this idea.

If so, you are likely right about him. If he is really a chronic liar, it's quite possible he hardly knows the truth from a lie any longer as he's probably been lying like this his whole life...and in that case, I think you know the likelihood that he's telling a truth.

The thing is, if he's doing actions that make you feel like he'd rather be doing his thing with OW (and written messages are pretty clear), then he's not in any kind of R with you. It's not false R, it's NO R.
If he's been really on his game for awhile but gradually (or suddenly) begins to slip back into old patterns or distressing new ones, it's false R and in either case, it really hurts so I'm very sorry for your pain.
The only consolation, if he is continuing his wayward thinking and acting, is that he's lying to OW too and that is very little consolation, indeed.

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeautifulEmpty- thanks for your thoughts.

I confronted him about the messages they were exchanging (which were mostly harmless in nature) and told him I was done and she could have him, that I had said absolutely NC... He freaked out and insisted he does not want that, he wants me and our marriage. I told him to write a message to her saying as much, which he did. He said he loves his wife and is doing everything he can to save his marriage, and he can not have contact any longer, asking her not to contact him. Let's see if it sticks I guess, right?

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
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